This year?s VMAs are just bizarre. Maybe it?s the new cinematography style? or maybe it?s just because it?s Michael Jackson?s birthday. Either way, it?s 9pm EDT and I?ve for some reason been inspired to break from my normal writing style? and rip off one of my favorite non-411 columnists (see ESPN.com?s Sports Guy to know what I?m talking about) and do a running diary of the 2002 MTV Video Music Awards.
8:00 to 8:59 PM ? The beginning of this show was just so entertaining and surreal ? and please agree with me that Jimmy Fallon is LEGIT ? that I decided to start this journal at around 9pm. Some random thoughts from the first hour:
– After the Jimmy Fallon singing spectacular, MTV should just pull the plug here, ?cause what can top this? And is that Anna Kournikova with Enrique? Lucky sonofabitch.
– 2 years, 3 months and 2 ? days until the Olsen Twins are legal? And they?ve already been in 48 movies according to www.imdb.com, mostly straight to video. I wonder what kinds of videos they?ll be coming out with in a few years if it turns out they?re not so rich after all.
– Did Nas just say that ?me and Murder Inc. will bring peace to hip-hop? or am I hallucinating?
– Dashboard Confessional just had me rooting for either the Strokes or the Hives to win the M2 award. Wow, now that?s power. Dashboard Fuckin? Confessional? starring front man Freddie Prinze, Jr.
– Now I know why they call the show Jackass.
9:00 ? Best Rapper: Eminem. I think Chris Rock said it best: you know the world?s backwards when the best rapper is white and the best golfer is black.
9:05 ? Way too many commercials. Good thing VH-1?s showing whatever happened to? video babes. Oh, joy. Hey, is that the Cherry Pie Girl?
9:07 ? How can anyone BUT Outkast win a Best Hip-Hop award? No one else out there today is half as good as them. Ja Rule on the other hand is just talentless. I just can?t understand the appeal.
9:08 ? Of course, there he is. Ja Rule. He?s got a great ass, though. Oh wait! That?s J-Lo…. yum.
9:14 ? Jimmy Fallon: “Shakira, wow.” I?ll say.
9:14:01 ? I need a cigarette.
9:23 ? Oh great, the American Idol gang is here. I?m not sure what?s more annoying, Jimmy Fallon?s version of the show?s hosts, Paula Abdul, or Justin?s f*cking hair.
9:25 ? Who?s this Ashanti girl anyway? I like the Avril though, but just one question: When a 17-year-old says that winning this award was something she?s had ?for my whole life,? how exactly am I supposed to react? By being happy for her? Or by feeling reallly old? 9:27 ? You know, it?s probably about time I started watching that Osbourne show. This is the scene that?s making me reconsider my ban: Ozzie says ?What does P.O.D. stand for?? Mrs. Osbourne?s response? ?Pod.? You just can’t script shit as funny as that.
9:28 ? As they go to commercial, footage of Sammy Hagar walking the red carpet is shown, as I wonder which is more accurately a sign of the apocalypse:
(a) The promise of Sammy and David Lee Roth sharing a stage,
(b) The visual of Britney and Michael Jackson at the podium together,
(c) The realization that I?m enjoying the Moon Man ?teasers? that are being shown before the nominees MORE than the nominations themselves, or
(d) The fact that my girlfriend knows that the Bald Guy from Linkin Park?s name is ?Chester.?
9:37 ? Did anyone think that after, say, Wayne?s World 2, Mike Myers? career would be where it is today? That being said, did anyone think that Dana Carvey?s would be so far behind? (Although, we all know I love the turtle segment in the Master of Disguises commercial.)
9:38 ? Mr. Myers then starts to rap Baby Got Back, and it got me thinking about an article in today?s NY Post about the new fad of getting BUTT IMPLANTS. Just sounds asinine to me. Ugh.
9:51 ? As I watch the Lisa ?Left Eye? Lopes memorial, I come to the conclusion that the Carson Daly fella would have made a good priest. Anything but on my television, please. Also, there?s a part in the video clip that shows Prince presenting TLC with an award, which just makes me wonder what ever happened to the artist formerly known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. I know he?s still making music, but even Michael Jackson showed up tonight to his second VMAs in a row. I mean, Michael has two sons named Prince, but still, where’s the love?
9:54 ? I can?t remember where I read it, but whatever columnist was collecting money to send pop stars into outer space, please find me so I can contribute to a few one-way tickets.
10:01 ? You know you watch too much pro wrestling when you start thinking everything?s a work. For example, as soon as they announced that P-Diddy will be performing with a ?special guest? (who, disappointingly, ended up being Usher, Busta Rhymes and someone I?ve never heard of), I start thinking ?could it be that Biggie?s still alive, and how cool would it be if he came out on stage?!?
10:08 ? Is it just me, or is Lisa Marie Presley starting to look a bit like Nicolas Cage? And Pink a bit like Jeff Hardy? I?m too drunk for this.
10:16 ? Lynda Lopez always was the hottie in that family, if you ask me.
10:17 ? RUDY. Nice. For a minute, I feared he?d be getting booed? thankfully, those were ?ROOOOdy? cheers.
10:19 ? Does any female singer have a better mouth than Sheryl Crow? I hope I?m that hot when I?m 40, and recover as well from my butt implant surgery.
10:32 ? What does it mean when I laugh at Triumph the Dog?s jokes?
10:34 ? On what ESPN?s Bill Simmons would call the Unintentional Comedy scale, is there anything that tops the look on Eminem?s face when he realized who was presenting him with his award? Also, in a fight, who do you think would win: Eminem, Christina, Moby, or Triumph?
10:41 ? Of all the Plural Bands (you know, the Hives, the Vines, the Strokes, the White Stripes), the Hives have got to be the least talented. Wow, that was horrendous. The Vines, on the other hand, rock pretty hard for a bunch of 12 year olds. And where do Australians get ?CCCP? and ?Ithaca College? shirts?
10:52 ? ?Pusha? and ?The Patty Cake Man? absolutely MADE the Justin Timberlake performance must-see. Kids, make sure not to miss the replay(s) just for that alone. But no, the sounds coming out of your radio are NOT because there are people inside.
10:57 ? Almost 11, and at this point, I?d be disappointed if the show didn?t run the typical 10 minutes late. And, if anyone?s reading this, PLEASE? Christmas is in four months and I really, really, really need a Swiss Army Moon Man.
10:58 ? You think after those comments about Moby, Eminem has a chance in hell of winning the Viewer?s Choice Award? Yeah, and people are actually still reading this journal!
10:59 ? Did Sammy Hagar design Michele Branch?s dress?
11:00 ? Hmm? So Axl Rose is there? After the commercial, you say? This better not be a bait and switch, Jimmy!
11:08 ? Still no Axl, but instead it?s time for the Video of the Year. Since N SYNC?s video is the worst one nominated, it?s a shoe-in. Wait. No? Don?t say it! Eminem! Now here?s your chance to apologize, Marshall. Good boy.
11:10 ? WELCOME TO THE FUCKIN? JUNGLE. Wow. Wait, who?s this band Axl?s playing with? Buckethead instead of Slash? They bait-and-switched the whole band! Wait ? is that Dizzy? Dizzy, Axl and the Star Wars Cantina Band! This just rocks, though. All I need now is some Chinese Democracy to cap off my night. Wow, perfectly surreal ending to a bizarre show. ROCK!
Okay, so they topped the intro, afterall. Let me know what you think with a quick email to moodspins@moodspins.com, and if Widro asks me back, I?ll debut my regular column format soooon.
Peace. Love. Moe.
– Mm
Till My Head Falls Off was found weekly on 411 Music from 2002-2004, as well as on moodspins and 1-42.
