Mistress: And where do you think you’re going…
Me: I’m going to Smackdown!
Mistress: You get one every night.
Me: No, no, no…not getting a smackdown….going to Smackdown!
Mistress: An what pray tell…is a Smackdown….
Me: It’s a WWE show!
Mistress: Wrestling? Professional Wrestling?
Me: Yup!
Mistress: You spent money on this….
Me: Yup!
Mistress: Why?
Me: Because wrestling is COOL!!
Mistress: No, wrestling is not cool……and neither are you.
Me: Honey, I’m home!
Mistress: How was you’re wrestl….oh my god! What the HELL is THAT!!!
Me: Relax baby, it’s just a t-shirt!
Mistress: What the hell is on it? Scarface? You bought a Scarface shirt?
Me: Nooooo….it’s Eddie Guerrero cause I’m addicted to the Heeeeeeeeeeeeat.
Mistress: huh?
Me: EDD-IE EDD-IE EDD-IE! Look…it even says Latino Heeeeeeeeeeeat.
Mistress: You’re not Latino. You’re not even close to Latino.
Me: When Eddie wrestles…we’re ALL Latino! EDD-IE EDD-IE EDD-IE!
Mistress: You’re such a loser…..
Hi everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! For this issue, I was going to a MEGA issue including the NBA, NHL, MLB, NFL, MLS, USA, Reagan, lacrosse, curling, NCAA softball, the spelling bee, movies, music, games, and alcohol. But unfortunately I’m going to have to stick to three topics, and three topics only! Why three? Because the lord spoke to me and said……
God: Slayer!
Me: What’s up G?
God: “For this column thou shalt write about only three topics and only three topics for the number of topics you will write will be three. No More then three. No Less then three. Only three. Four topics thou shalt not write, neither shall thou write two topics, excepting that thou will then proceed to the third topic. Five topics is right out. Once the third topic has been written, then the column shalt and must be done.
Me: Can I plug the next column after the third topic?
God: Yes, thou may plug the next column as long as thou does not turn thy plugging into an actual shameless topic itself as thou did during The Complete Sopranos Season Review.
Me: Wow God! Thanks for the link!
God: It’s why they pay me the big bucks.
Me: Hey, God. That whole thing with the three topics…isn’t that from a movie…sounds vaguely familiar.
God: uh……NO….I am the Lord your God, all my bitching is original material.
Me: I don’t know…I think I saw a movie with something like what you said.
God: Thou did not! Even if thou hast, I am God, creator of all, including screenwriters. If
they hath wrote, it is because I willed them too!
Me: Seems like a bit of a stretch to me, I think you just ripped it off.
God: For the love of myself! Have not thou ever heard of a writer’s spiritual epiphany?
Me: Yeah! I had one during my first edition! I had this crazy writer’s block, just looking at a blank screen. I prayed to you and with your help, I wrote my first column!
God: Oh no you don’t. You’re not getting Me involved in your nonsense.
Me: Nonsense? I’m not the one ripping of British comedies!!!!!
God: Shut up or when you die, I’ll reincarnate you into a f*cking dandelion.
Me: Okay, okay….sheesh.
So let’s get to it…and the first topic will be……..
HOCKEY
Congratulations to the 2004 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS: THE TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING!!!!. There is not much I can say that this guy hasn’t said already. All I know is that Florida took another one. First baseball, now this. I’m not going to be one of those ‘evil reporters’ that questions whether Tampa deserved the cup because I know they packed that arena every night during the playoffs. But still, one has to wonder if they really wanted it, or even deserved it. Shouldn’t one suffer for a decade or so before getting the cup? The only other team to not go through 20 years of hell before winning it was the Dallas Stars…..wait a minute! Texas! Florida! Stealing things!!!! My god, THEY have now taken over hockey too. Sign o’ the times I guess. And in truth, Tampa didn’t steal a thing. They were the best team all year around and if one likes to judge fanbases by their championship parade, they had an estimate of 33 thousand people. As for poor old Canada, what can you say, maybe next year. Then again, there may not be a next year…..
Which brings us to our next point. We may not see NHL hockey for a loooooooooong time. And if we don’t, we just saw the greatest Stanley Cup playoffs series for series that I know of. If it was going to go out, this was the way to do it. But just in case you really really want to see hockey next year, Bobby Hull’s WHA version 2 is ready to kick off, October 29th to be exact. The league will have no red line, automatic icing, and 3 on 3 overtime followed by a shootout. The ‘original six’ will be Dallas, Orlando, Jacksonville, Detroit, Quebec, and Halifax. Toronto and Hamilton may be added to the mix if they can secure their arena leases.
And in case you’re wondering, the ratings in America were horrible. For ABC, the lowest network rated Finals since 1998. ESPN’s hockey finals were at their lowest since 1990. So long NHL, I’ll miss you. So will other people. Most won’t even blink though.
RASSLIN
So last Tuesday, I went to Smackdown! at Northern Nazi HQ also known as Long Island. Originally, the plan was to have this column in by Wednesday afternoon sort of having this become a pesudo spoilers thingee with my take on the show match by match. But, my bonus column took the wind out of me plus I did not go directly home after the show…I went elsewhere. So now it’s early Friday morning and there are already like seven different Smackdown! reviews. You don’t need mine so to the trash with plan A. Plan B is to tell you just how a typical night at Smackdown! is like. For me anyway. Don’t worry, I won’t analyze every silly second, just the moments that I think will give you some giggles. The first thing is I live about an hour away and got to the parking lot around 6:30. My friend whom I was meeting who lives about five minutes away of course did not get there until 7:30. He had all types of excuses; work held him up, traffic on the parkway, traffic on the exit ramp, blah, blah, blah, but he’s they type of guy who’s always late. But he’s not late on purpose, I just think he’s one of those people that lives in a different time continuum then the rest of us. So, if you were at the Smackdown! taping, and was wondering who the hell the guy waiting at the corner of the garden patio for an hour was…that was ME! During that hour, I had several conversations. Such as this one….
Scalper: Hey…buying tickets.
Me: Nope…slow night?
Scalper: Hell yeah, everyone’s got tickets.
Me: Well. Wrestling isn’t as big as it used to be. Just the die hards and the families. Nobody is hopping in their car to go to a wrestling show on a whim.
Scalper:
Me: No….
Scalper: 5 bucks off each ticket. I’ll be losing money.
Me: No, what am I going to do with 20 tickets?
Scalper: Yo! I’ll be losing money. You’ll be making the money. Know what I’m saying!
Me: What?
Then a sceond scalper joined in….
Scalper 2: Yo, you guys looking for tickets.
Scalper 1: Fuck man, I can’t get rid of anything.
Scalper 2: Straight! No f*cking buys man. I got no buys.
Me: Wait…you’re looking to buy tickets?
Scalper 2: I got not buys!
Me: Ohhhhhhhhh…..buys means sells…..I get it! So do you guys make alot of money doing this?
Scalper 2: Shit. Look at it this way. You buy 40 tickets for fifty bills a strip….
Slayer: Uh huh…
Scalper 2: That’s 2,000 dollars. You sell each ticket for 70 dollars. That’s like 700 dollars all profit in one night.
Slayer: 800 dollars.
Scalper 2: 800 dollars, 1000 dollars. Whatever man. Some nights, if it’s a hot ticket. You can go over 100 over the print.
Scalper 1: It’s when you have a show or a game that’s the hottest ticket in town. That where the REAL money come in.
Scalper 2: NO, man! That’s not what I’m saying. That’s THE MYTH. If one wants to do this for a living, they gotta do it all; every night there is a big buy. It’s about finding it.
Scalper 1: What are you talking about? Look at tonight. No one’s doing nothing. It was a waste.
Scalper 2: Hey, I’ve been doing this for 10 years, man. Never needed no other job. You work another job?
Scalper 1: Yeah!
Scalper 2: What do you do?
Scalper 1: I got my own business….you know…I’m a businessman.
Scalper 2: Hey brother, you still got things to learn….from me!
They continued talking but at this point, away from me. My second conversation was with a kid that had an “Angle Sucks’†sign. I guess that meant he was a bad guy this week.
Me: What do you mean Angle Sucks?
Kid: Angle Sucks!
Me: He is like the BEST wrestler EVER!.
Kid: Angle Sucks!
Me: Why does he suck?
Kid: He doesn’t even wrestle, every week he just screams at people. He’s always screwing John Cena.
Me: You like Cena?
Kid: Cena is awesome!
Me: Angle is better.
Kid: No….no….no….no he’s not. Angle Sucks!
Me: Please! Cena is the one that sucks. Angle is the best technical wrestler in the history of professional wrestling. What is Cena? He raps? Angle can kick his ass any day.
Kid: Angle Sucks!
So that ended that debate…I think I lost.
After an hour of talking to strangers and chain smoking, my buddy shows up and we go right in. Now I could write a beautiful narrative about my Smackdown! experience but you won’t read it. Don’t try to argue, I know you won’t. But if I exemplify my night using the all mighty LIST….then today’s modern reader becomes attentive. So here is my 10 point highlight.
1) We had great seats and a full view of the production design. It is quite extraordinary.
2) The average age of the audience was 9.
3) I hope you’re not one of those people who hate the Undertaker, because he has a whole NEW generation of fans. The kids love that Undertaker! Just like we did…remember those days? When we rooted for the wrestler that we liked? Not judge them by what they do backstage or how many moves they sell…Personally, I’m happy for the taker.
4) The kids loooooooove Cena! They were hanging on to every word he was saying. Now I had no clue what the hell the guy was talking about half the time, but they seemed to grasp it.
5) I’m a huge fan of The Book, and myself and my friend seemed to be the only one who cheered for him during his entrance. Long Island Nazis do not like Booker T. Best line from the crowd was when Booker T started to talk: “Shut the hell up! Get out of the ring you-“ he stopped himself in time.. So when he apologized to Kurt Angle, I got up and cheered, “That Booker Man has got respect for his General Manager!â€. Everybody in my section wanted to kill me….it felt wonderful.
6) A man with three 8 year old girls who was sitting behind me kept giving them a guilt trip on how much the night costs. He kept saying “Between seats, gas, and food. This is costing me 500 dollars.†Those poor girls, they ain’t getting anything from this guy until December. They ask for the new toy or video game this summer, they’ll get this night just smeared across their faces. Taking some kids out on a trip and making them feel guilty about it….classless punk.
7) Speaking of girls. The under 12 contingent had an equal number of boys and girls. So WWE is getting the female demographic. Don’t worry wrestling fans, you’re dream of having a wife that loves wrestling too will come true! And they’ll be legal in only seven or eight years.
8) Yeah Right! In Long Island..it makes the Breakfast Club have less teenage social divisions than this freaking island. The minute these girls turn 12, their days as a wrestling fan will be done. As for the guys, most of them will stop watching it, then tune back in college.
9) Bradshaw is very charismatic and funny when he is out of character. After the show ‘ended’ for television, Bradshaw came out and went OFF on the undertaker. It was hilarious. If they allowed that to be his character, he may be a bit more popular.
10) Kids aside, Long Island wrestling crowds are an INSULT to the northeast wrestling fan. They are your typical southern/mid-western cheer for the face/boo the heel crowd. Very disappointing….
11) Oh yeah…Paul Heyman is the man.
All in all…a great show and I was entertained. The IWC may have other opinions of that matter, but…………..whatever.
As for the Bradshaw Scandal in which he pretended to be a Nazi in Germany. I have two slightly conflicting opinions; yet both let him off the hook. One of them is….typical. When someone is in the wrestling business that long, they lose touch with reality due to their continuing exploitation of it. Because of that, they have no psychological foundation on which to base a moral compass. This is why many of the things we find repugnant in a functioning society is considered normal within the confines of the wrestling business. This is also why the hierarchy of the WWE is truly dumbfounded about the negative reaction from the media. They cannot empathize with those who were offended and have no comprehension of why it would create such a stir. The other opinion was that he was the bad guy; and Bradshaw says it best himself in his most recent interview. Why is a wrestling gimmick taken more seriously then a play or movie? Because professional wrestling is at its core the last vaudeville act; and vaudeville is meant to uplift and entertain i.e be an escape from reality; not a reminder of it.
BOBA FETT
Well…despite the fact that the newest movie basically DESTROYED everything that was great about this guy, people still love him (her?). As for myself, I just dismiss it. Boba Fett is still a mystery. I also dismiss the extra scenes. Specifically, the one in Episode IV and the one where he is flirting with the space chicks at Jabba’s Palace. They’re stupid and unnecessary (like my column!). Everything the legend was based on was built on the few key scenes in Episodes V and VI. Nothing less, and more importantly nothing more. Maybe the Star Wars Christmas Special, but that’s another story. Anyway, I realized something…..I’ve seen it a zillion times and I just noticed it. Boba Fett is not all that. I couldn’t believe it when I realized it, but I’ll never see this trilogy the same way again. When Boba Fett was in Jabba’s palace working as a bodyguard….didn’t he notice at least once that Lando was freaking FIVE FEET AWAY!!!!! I mean come on, Boba Fett! Lando’s RIGHT THERE. You and Vader just had dinner with the guy a few months ago. Are you telling me that Fett couldn’t see Lando because he was in disguise??? That’s not a disguise, that’s a BMX face guard. Plus, wasn’t it Fett’s job to know who everyone was at the palace????
Yeah, yeah, I know. Just a plot snafu. But a pretty big one don’t you think?
Ok That’s it! Next week we’ll have a new 2004 NBA champion!!!! More on Vice City!!! And we’ll go back to the weekly roundup of all the important sport’s news and views!
As for Reagan……..blah blah blah blah. Some people liked him, others did not. All I know is that he was a true politician in every sense of the word. Politics is simply the art of compromise and nothing ever great has come from compromise.
Want to remember a great American? Remember Ray Charles.
