Hi, I’m Grut. Some of you know me for my ‘comic’ news bites. Some of you know me for my award winning column A Wrestling Tale. Most of you probably don’t know me. No matter. All you need to know is that I’ve been doing this for a long time and that makes my opinion matter more than most of the idiots on this website, especially those in the gothic metal music section. I enjoy the gothic metal/punk fusion music section, but those morons in the gothic metal music section have no right to say word one about wrestling.
So now that you know my opinion is important, many of you must be wondering exactly what my opinion is. Did you not read the headline? You clicked on it, you must have read it. The only person who clicks on stuff without reading it is Matthew Michaels, and that’s all hit count related. But fine, I think this whole steroid thing is a non-story for the following reasons:
1. What are we, douchebags? Of course Rey Mysterio is taking steroids. We’re not blind. When a guy goes from 140 lbs to 160 lbs, we can tell something is up. (I have around 5 more paragraphs on this subject which will never be published).
2. Randy Orton is 22 or something. You never experimented with drugs when you were in college? You’re so much better than Randy Orton because you did LSD instead of HGH? Hey, drug addicts, don’t throw glass rocks when you’re at home.
3. Edge had sex with Lita. She looks kind of like a dude and he looks kind of like a chick. He needed to make himself as manly as possible if he was going to hit that.
4. I just found out that Stephanie McMahon had to turn down a storyline where Vince was going to say he was f*cking her. She then had to turn down Vince’s second choice, that she was f*cking her brother. Who can care about wrestlers using steroids when you discover that not only is Vince not a creative genius, he’s one of the most disgusting people on the planet. I saw this SNL sketch with Will Ferrel playing Robert Goulet and he was in a play doing a romantic scene with his daughter played by Anya (Ana?) Gasteyer. It was funny in a really creepy way. This would not have been funny. Being that the two people in the storyline are actually related, it would have been just creepy. The very idea of it is one of the creepiest things I’ve ever heard. Come on Vince, think of the stock holders! No, wait, f*ck that. IT’S YOUR DAUGHTER! Forget the fact you wanted to pretend to be banging her, and we really shouldn’t forget that, you also suggested your son should be f*cking his sister. I almost got upset when I heard all of the real sports journalists shitting on WWE because of the steroid story, but then I just thanked God they didn’t study up on the material that I’m writing about. I’m reasonably sure I’d be too embarrassed to write about wrestling ever again if people in the outside world knew about that. Can you PLEASE edit it out of any future copies of the DVD, or if it’s a joke just admit it. Even if it’s not a joke, please claim it’s a joke. You sick f*ck, come on.
5. WWE is different from other sports. It’s a place where a talented athlete can be drug free, alcohol free and tobacco free, become really popular and then watch as a gigantic talentless freak who shoots horse testosterone into his back acne gets a main event push. Even in porn it doesn’t matter how you look. If you can’t f*ck like a rabbit, you’re going to be the bottom in two scenes tops. Wrestling is the only sport where you can be absolutely talentless but get ahead due to having an unnatural amount of muscle. I mean, Barry Bonds had talent before his head expanded 18 inches. I’m not complaining, I’m saying bless the steroids. Without steroids there is no Hulk Hogan and without Hulk Hogan there is no WWE.
6. Just because it happened to Eddy doesn’t mean it’s going to happen to you. I say go for it.
7. There are so many drugs constantly going through Kurt Angle’s system that I bet his steroids are canceled out by the estrogen he mistakingly takes.
In closing, really, who cares? It’s Wrestlemania time bitches! At least we have a completely clean main event when Umaga, who no one could accuse of being on steroids, takes on Bobby Lashley. Sure, Bobby Lashley might have had some very brief liver enzyme problems but he’s a veteran of the Army… wrestling team. And, in a surprising piece of trivia, he was also the entire soprano section of the Army choir. Regardless, when have you heard of an Army vet turning to drugs?
As Vince said himself, it’s in bad taste to discuss steroids right now. America is at war and WWE goes to Iraq once a year. Do you want the enemy to see 50 skinny, stringy, tiny armed, Pepsi tattooed weaklings? It would embolden our enemy, much like the show Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader.
Oh crap. My bracket just went to hell. Everybody pray for Georgetown.