The SmarK 24/7 Rant for WWF RAW is WAR – August 11 1997
– I wasn’t really planning on doing this one, but then I read about George Carlin’s death and got really bummed out, and I just needed something to cheer me up.
– Live from Biloxi, MS
– Your hosts are Jim Ross, Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler.
– We start with Shawn Michaels, quickly changing from Sexy Boy to degenerate, and he’s pissed off at authority figures, specifically Sgt. Slaughter. He gets a great line early, as fans chant "Shawn is gay" and he retorts "Why don’t you ask your sister and mom how gay I am now?" and throws a crotch chop at them. 1997 Shawn was kind of awesome. Slaughter comes out to defend his decision to force Shawn to wrestle Mankind tonight, so Shawn tells him that he always delivers, and tonight he’s got an insurance policy. Oh shit, is this THAT show?
Country whipping match: Hawk v. Henry Godwinn
This has one of the stupider concepts devised by Russo, as the winner has to whip the loser out to the floor. Hawk pounds on Henry to start and clotheslines him with the strap, then chokes him out on the mat. PIG trips up Hawk, however, and Henry chokes Hawk out to take over, then whips him some more. Much more entertaining are Bulldog and Owen on commentary, arguing over who gets to beat up the Patriot tonight. Hawk comes back and clotheslines Henry from the top rope, but Phineas nails Animal with the bucket and comes in for the double-team on Hawk. Animal charges in and knocks them out of the ring with the bucket, which makes Hawk the winner at 3:45. So the match didn’t even end according to the stipulations noted. DUD
Scott Putski v. Tony Williams
Poor Tony is the guy that used to be the teammate of Brian Christopher in the USWA when they were "The New Kids", doing a boy band ripoff, before he got left behind. Putski overpowers Williams to start and suplexes him out of the corner, then a backbreaker gets two. Another suplex and an elbow gets two while we cut to the back for Brian Pillman’s angst about having to wear a dress tonight. Williams comes back with a suplex and pounds away in the corner, then follows with a clothesline that Putski won’t sell. A Russian legsweep gets two. He tries a rana, but Putski turns it into a powerbomb and makes the comeback. Backdrop and he uses the Polish Hammer for the pin at 3:33. And Putski was supposed to be the guy they were building the division around? *
Flash Funk v. Brian Pillman
So Pillman has to wear a dress until he wins on RAW. Pillman chops away on Flash in the corner and rubs his face into the mat, then chokes away. Funk comes back with a spinkick and a corner splash, then follows with a cross body for two. Moonsault hits the knees and Pillman gets a DDT, but Goldust’s music interrupts. Goldust watches from the Titantron and plays the video of Pillman in the dressing room, and that’s enough for Funk to roll him up for the pin at 3:12. The last days of Pillman were pretty sad to watch. 1/2*
– Let us take you back to Summerslam, as Steve Austin suffers a neck injury and wrestling is changed forever. This leads to an interview with Dude Love, and I’m SHOCKED and APPALLED that the little "WWF" logo on the tag belt is unblurred. I’m confusing the brands as we speak! Dude does his usual dorky interview, but Shawn Michaels interrupts because he’s annoyed at what an idiot Mick is. He again promises the insurance policy tonight. Mick is great, but I really hated that character until he went hardcore in 1998 against Steve Austin.
– HOUR #2!
The British Bulldog & Owen Hart v. The Patriot & Ken Shamrock
The Patriot is using Kurt Angle’s music, which I totally forgot about. Shamrock starts with Owen and takes him down with an armdrag, then a fireman’s carry into an armbar. Owen tries a hiptoss, but Shamrock does his rolling cradle for two. Over to Patriot, who elbows Owen down and Bulldog comes in. Patriot hiptosses him and starts to work on the arm, while Bret Hart joins us at the entrance. The Harts take out Shamrock’s knee, and we take a break. Back with Owen getting a gutwrench suplex for two. Backbreaker gets two. Bulldog pounds away with forearms and gets a snapmare for two. Shamrock comes back with a crossbody on both Harts and it’s hot tag Patriot. He clotheslines everyone and noggins are knocked, and a powerslam on Bulldog gets two. Patriot Missile shoulderblock gets two. Shamrock dumps Owen, but Patriot runs into a boot in the corner and they clothesline each other. Shamrock has words for Bret to set up a feud that never got a chance to happen, but Patriot hits Bulldog with Uncle Slam onto a chair brought by Owen, and gets the pin at 8:00. You’d have thought that Patriot would be the perfect foil for Bret Hart, but he just never got over like they wanted. **
– Backstage, the Patriot cuts a promo against Bret, but Bret gets the last laugh when he attacks from behind. Hey, don’t talk the talk if you can’t walk the walk.
Chainz v. Faarooq
You wouldn’t think this would be a match that changes wrestling forever, but that’s wrestling for ya. Chainz attacks to start and clotheslines Faarooq down, then slugs away before getting caught with his head down. Faarooq stomps him down, but Chainz gets a small package for two. Faarooq clotheslines him down again and works on the back, but lands on the knees and allows Chainz to make the comeback. He rams Faarooq into the mat and follows with a big boot, and the ref is bumped. Chainz drops his shitty elbow, but there’s no ref…and Rocky Maivia returns, gets re-dubbed "The Rock" by JR, and delivers the first ever Rock Bottom to Chainz to give Faarooq the pin at 3:03. And with that, people were free to boo the Rock and a star was born. The match was god-awful, of course. 1/4*
– Sable’s interview is quickly interrupted by the Patriot, who is then interrupted by Bret Hart for a beatdown, followed by the Hart Foundation all joining him to really put the boots to Del.
– BRAKUS is coming. And going almost as fast.
Shawn Michaels v. Mankind
Mankind brings a garbage can in, and as usual it backfires on him as Shawn pummels him with it and then puts it on his head and kicks him down. Mankind comes back with the Mandible Claw (while still wearing the garbage bag), but Shawn goes low to break. Mick bails and Shawn tries a baseball slide, but it misses and he gets sent into the stairs and dropped on the railing with a stungun. Mankind charges, so Shawn backdrops him onto the table, and then follows with a BADASS flying elbow off the apron, onto the table. The great thing is that it came out of the frame, so that it looked the cameraman was as shocked as we were. Back in, Shawn goes up and drops his regular flying elbow, and JR gets a shot at Macho Man in, but the superkick misses and it’s another Mandible Claw. They tumble to the floor and Shawn rams Mick’s skull into the post to break, then gives him a backdrop suplex onto the table for good measure. Shawn’s new buddies HHH & Chyna join us at ringside and we take a break. Back with Shawn stealing Mick’s mask and hitting him with it, but missing a charge and hitting the post. Mick misses an elbow and Shawn gets the sleeper, but Mick rams him into the corner to break. He misses a blind charge, however, and Shawn gets two. Mick fights back, but Shawn goes to the eyes and chokes him out in the corner with his boot. I’m guessing that was a shout-out to Big Kev. Mankind takes him down, however, and smashes Shawn’s head into the mat, adding a "Bang Bang" and then following with the running knee in the corner. But then it’s the insurance policy….RAVISHING RICK RUDE. Lemme tell ya kids, I was marking the FUCK out back in 1997 for this. Mick gets two on Shawn, but HHH trips him up and Rude adds a chair to the face, and Sweet Chin Music ends it at 8:31. This match was 15 different flavours of AWESOME, especially for a TV match in 1997. **** And things only got bigger and better from there. Undertaker comes out to look threatening, but Paul Bearer appears to once again deliver the word of Kane.
Tremendous. I feel much better now.
