The SmarK 24/7 Rant for WCW Thunder – August 13 1998
– OK, so a bit of background before we start. I’m going to assume that not everyone is a longtime follower of my stuff, so let me just preface this review by noting that way back in 1998, when a bunch of us formed an idealistic young wrestling website called Wrestlemaniacs.com (and later CBS Wrestleline.com), my part in the machine was reviewing the most god-awful show to grace prime-time television, aka WCW Thunder, and it became the bane of my existence over the course of the two years that I recapped it. Apparently a lot of people quite enjoyed my pain because my reviews were popular and I eventually took over RAW when CRZ left the site, but Thunder was always hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles or something. So they pulled this one, seemingly at random, to show as part of the "Gold Rush" month because there’s a title change on it (a rarity for the B-Show to end all B-Shows, believe me), and I figured "Ah, easy review, I’ll just pull up the original review and call it a repost." Well, wouldn’t you know, for whatever reason I skipped that week back in 1998. I bet the guys who pick the shows for this channel are just messing with me now.
– Oh, and the crappy theme for the show is now gone, replaced by generic guitar music.
– Live from Fargo, North Dakota.
– Your hosts are Tony, Bobby and my personal hero and savior, Lee Marshall.
– Later tonight, the biggest return match in Thunder history! That’s a pretty meaningless designation.
Scott Hall v. Konnan
Apparently Scott Hall & The Giant were tag team champs at this point, which I don’t even remember. But I guess it WAS 10 years ago now. Hall and Konnan do their dueling cut-and-paste singalong promos before the match, in case we were wondering which faction of the nWo that everyone was supporting. We get the smack talk to start and they exchange slaps before Hall starts working the arm, but Konnan elbows out. Hall takes him down with a standing armbar, but Konnan escapes with a drop toehold as it’s obviously going to be a mat classic. A well-timed "Who Booked This Crap?" sign sums up my feelings quite succinctly. Hall asks for the test of strength but then just stomps him down, and hits the blockbuster slam for two to take over. Hall throws a couple of lame chops in the corner, and then hits him with an elbow on a blind charge that actually hits for once. That looked messed up. Abdominal stretch, but Konnan breaks free and makes the comeback. Carpet muncher, but Hall goes low. Konnan recovers with a small package for two, but Hall puts him down with a clothesline, seemingly having no interest in selling anything for more than 2 seconds tonight. Outsider Edge finishes clean at 6:37. Man, Mark Curtis looks like hell here, in the midst of his losing battle with cancer. Extended squash for Hall. *1/2
Raven v. Horace Hogan
Raven’s Nirvana ripoff music is intact. Raven had recently fired Horace from the Flock for the usual nebulous reasons, and he attacks to start and gets a leg lariat in the corner. He tries to use a stop sign, but Lodi stops him and Horace kicks it back in Raven’s face for two. Horace goes up with a splash for two. Horace slams him on the sign and goes up again, and another splash gets two. I guess this is supposed to be Horace getting over. He charges and runs into his own stop sign, and Raven tosses him while Lodi starts cheering for Raven again. Even the announcers admit this makes no sense. Raven sends Horace into the railing and then gives Lodi a shot, but Scotty the Pirate and Kidman run in for the DQ at 3:32 and they beat Horace down until Saturn saves. And then Horace turns on him and rejoins the Flock. And then Kanyon makes the save for Saturn, who then turns on him and goes back after Raven again. All this shit went nowhere. 1/2*
– Stevie Ray promises to get the TV title back for his brother.
World TV title: Chris Jericho v. Chavo Guerrero
Jericho’s "Evenflow" ripoff is intact here. Chavo was doing the goofy angle with Pepe the horse at this point, which admittedly wasn’t even the stupidest thing that WCW had him involved in. Jericho won the TV title from Stevie Ray when the Giant chokeslammed him to give Jericho the title, an angle which (like much of the stuff at this point) went nowhere. They trade wristlocks to start, but Chavo stomps him down in the corner. Jericho grabs a headlock, but Chavo takes him down with a drop toehold and then bites him on the ass to send Jericho to the floor. And we take a break and return with Chavo missing a dropkick, as Jericho follows with the Lionsault for two. Suplex and ARROGANT COVER~! get two. Jericho throws the chops in the corner and chokes him out, but runs into a boot before coming back with a leg lariat for two. Chavo comes back with the bulldog, for two, and an atomic drop into the corner, but Jericho beats the crap out of Pepe and rolls up the distressed Chavo for two. Poor stick horse. Jericho dumps Chavo, but Chavo finds a bat with Pepe’s head under the ring and uses it for the DQ at 7:21. Jericho was a lot of fun during this time, but this match was too much "comedy" and had a dumb finish to boot. **
– Bret Hart, apparently a heel, joins us to call us scum and let us know how much he’ll enjoy kicking the crap out of Lex Luger and winning the US title back.
Alex Wright & Disco Inferno v. The Public Enemy
The Boogie Knights have Tokyo Magnum with them, and there’s a guy who should have turned into a big star but had the misfortune of being a Japanesian from Japania. Rock works the arm of Wright to start, but gets backdropped to the floor. Wright follows with a baseball slide, and back in he goes up but gets crotched. Rock tries a superplex, but gets blocked, and Wright hits a backdrop suplex and stomps away. Wright tries a pump splash and hits knee, and TPE double-team him. Wright escapes and brings Disco in, and Grunge hammers on him with awful looking forearms and it’s more double-teaming from TPE. Disco collides with Rock and they both hit the floor for some reason, and Grunge gets a tilt-a-whirl slam on Wright. The table gets involved, but Tokyo Magnum gets put through it instead, and Wright gets a neckbreaker on Grunge for the pin at 3:30. Just a total trainwreck. 1/2* And then Meng runs in and beats the shit out of everyone. You know, Meng has a certain charm that years of perspective have given him. Barbarian makes the save, but YOU CAN’T STOP THE DEATH GRIP! Given the carnage, I’m guessing they were going to take a shot at Goldberg v. Meng as a program, but likely changed their mind 17 times and forgot about it.
– Kevin Nash joins us to extol the virtues of drinking beer and reinforces that everything is cool with him and Goldberg. Good to know.
Kevin Nash v. Curt Hennig
Nash throws the knees in the corner to start and adds the framed elbow, then gets a horrible hiptoss out of the corner. That one was really Hennig’s fault because he can’t bump with his knee done up like a cyborg. Nash does the boot choke in the corner, but misses the big boot and Hennig takes him down and works the leg. Yeah baby, Kevin Nash selling and Hennig on offense, that’s using your roster to its fullest potential. Nash comes back with the big boot, pretty much at random, and Rude tosses the ref for the Sportz Entertainment Finish at 3:00 or so, leading to the nWo White beatdown with the addition of Scott Hall. Barely even a match. 1/2*
Stevie Ray v. Eddie Guerrero
Stevie overpowers him to start, but Eddie comes back with chops and gets a nice armdrag and dropkick to put him down. He pounds away in the corner, but Stevie puts him down with the two-handed choke. And we cut to Hall and Giant watching from the aisle while Stevie goes to a bearhug. Stevie slugs away, single-handedly killing this match deader by the second, and runs Eddie into the corner. High kick puts Eddie on the floor and Ray suplexes him back in, but Eddie makes the comeback while the camera goes back to the tag champs. Eddie slips on the ropewalk attempt, and Stevie elbows him down and follows with a big boot and finishes with the Slapjack at 4:00. This may have been the worst Eddie Guerrero match I’ve ever seen. Stevie Ray just stunk up the joint something awful. -**
US title: Lex Luger v. Bret Hart
I like how they show highlights from Nitro as still photos, so as not to hurt the buyrate for the replay or something. Lex was in his jeans period here after joining nWo Wolfpac. They fight for the lockup to start and Bret grabs a headlock, but Lex shoulderblocks him down. He goes to a headlock and Bret rolls him over for two, then Bret makes the ropes to break. No clean break, as he beats on Lex in the corner and drops a leg for two. Luger slugs back, but Bret drops him with a stungun and chokes away in the corner. Bret headbutts him down and stomps him, then chokes away on the ropes. Back in, he slingshots Lex under the ropes and drops an elbow. Russian legsweep gets two. He whips Lex into the corner and follows with a backbreaker, but misses the second rope elbow. Lex comes back with his shitty clotheslines and the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DOOM, then dumps Bret. Bret grabs a chair and Luger clotheslines it away from him and wields it menacingly, but the ref gets bumped as a result. Bret DDTs him on the chair and revives the ref, but only gets two. Sharpshooter gives him the US title back at 9:33. Bret was so uninspired during this period, you’d think every match was a house show or something. **1/4
– Note to 24/7: Please never show another episode of Thunder again. I can’t take the endless bad finishes and dull matches anymore.
