The SmarK 24/7 Rant for WWF World Tour 1996
– This is one of the last Coliseum videos released, from the low point of the promotion, so I’m a bit worried, but at least it’s short. The nebulous theme this month is the lame “Destination Worldwide” one again, which always brings out the worst. I really like the new 24/7 intro screen and ratings screen, though.
– So the idea is that this is a one night tournament in Kuwait, basically a huge bribe from the country to Vince McMahon if I remember the reports at the time correctly.
– Taped from Kuwait.
– Your host is Gorilla Monsoon, with Jim Ross on commentary with him.
Yokozuna & Ahmed Johnson v. The New Rockers
Who booked this crap? Joined in progress with Yoko overpowering the Rockers and clotheslining them to the floor, then slingshotting them back into the ring. Marty rakes Yoko’s eyes, but gets clotheslined and it’s over to Ahmed, who comes in with a forearm off the top. Marty begs off and then dives at him with a crossbody, but Ahmed catches him easily and sets him down, then levels him with a high kick. Marty waits until Ahmed’s back is turned and then hits him with a dropkick, and Leif Cassidy (Al Snow) comes in and pounds Ahmed down. The Rockers try to work the arm, but Ahmed just no-sells it all and tags Yoko back in. Yoko slugs everyone down and it’s BONZO GONZO, which allows Ahmed to kill Cassidy dead with a spinebuster and finish with the tiger bomb and Yoko’s butt splash at 5:09. Total and complete squash. 1/2*
A video package shows us how Ahmed won a tournament and captured the hearts of freedom-loving Kuwaitis everywhere. Well that kind of kills any suspense for later in the tape.
Bret Hart v. Steve Austin
Joined in progress with Austin trying to goad Bret into a test of strength by making chicken gestures at him. Ah, the Marty McFly strategy. So Bret goes for it and Austin immediately boots him down, but Bret escapes with a suplex and starts working the arm. Austin dumps him to escape, and then stomps a mudhole in the corner. He fails to walk it dry, and thus only gets two. Punch punch punch and Bret takes his corner bump, which sets up some choking from Austin, as he might as well be Generic Wrestling Heel #1935 in this match. And we hit the chinlock for good measure. Bret fights out, so Austin clotheslines him down again and it’s more lame choking as they might as well be back at the hotel room and sending this match in by courier. Austin kicks him in the gut and gets two. Bret makes the comeback , having apparently sleepwalked into the appropriate moment to do so, and it’s the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM, providing the only moments of energy in this yawner. Sadly Bret jumps onto Austin’s outstretched foot, but he blocks the sleeper with a small package for two. Sharpshooter finishes at 10:23. For a guy who doesn’t ever give up, Austin gave up pretty quick there. **
British Bulldog v. Duke “The Dumpster” Droese
Bulldog pounds away on Mr. Dumpster and dumps him, then blocks a sunset flip and gets two. And we hit the chinlock. Duke elbows out, but runs into a knee, and Bulldog drops a leg for two. More chinlockery, but Duke fights out and powerslams him. Apparently it’s time to take out the trash, as he hits a sloppy tilt-a-whirl slam and goes up, missing a flying headbutt. Bulldog finishes this crappy match with a powerslam at 6:45. 1/2* Mike Droese should return as a heelish garbageman who’s opposed to recycling and takes out the trash with total disregard for which day of the week it is.
Owen Hart v. Ahmed Johnson
Owen takes him down with a drop toehold and tries working the arm, but Ahmed wrestles him to the mat with a laughable counter hold, which JR diplomatically calls “not as refined as Owen’s”. Ahmed wants the test of strength and that wastes some time that I could be using to do something more entertaining, like emptying the dishwasher or creating flow charts to explain TNA’s booking. Owen runs away and then catches Ahmed on the way in, stomping him down and then choking him out on the ropes, which JR calls “a glorified choke hold”. How is it glorified, exactly? Is Owen thanking Jesus Christ while he’s doing it? Choke choke choke and he hits the leg lariat, which Ahmed turns away from like a moron and thus totally blows the move. That gets two. Ahmed tries a press slam, but Owen falls on top for two, but puts his head down and gets beaten with the tiger bomb at 7:33. See, Owen can dog it just like his brother. *
Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Ahmed Johnson
We’re magically at the finals now, joined in progress with HHH hitting Ahmed with a baseball slide and whipping him into the stairs. Ahmed lays around outside for a while and HHH brings him back in and goes up, dropping an elbow for two. He pounds away in the corner and hits the high knee for two. We hit the chinlock and Gorilla talks about the “concerned looks” of the crowd as the camera cuts to bored kids hamming it up for the TV cameras. Ahmed fights up, but Hunter puts him down with a backdrop suplex and pounds away in the corner, then slugs away as Ahmed just sits there and takes it. Ahmed suddenly comes back with a spinebuster, but Hunter backdrops out of the Plunge. Hunter drops a knee for two and follows up by slugging away in the corner. Thrilling. Ahmed fights back and gets a press slam and axe kick for two. The crowd’s excitement is somewhat tempered by the armed guards at ringside telling the kids to sit down again. But Kuwait loves freedom! Ahmed charges and hits boot and Hunter gets two using the ropes. Neckbreaker gets two. These guys have ZERO chemistry together, as this match is building to nothing and is just all over the place with no logical progression of anything. Hunter puts his head down, however, and it’s the Pearl River Plunge to win the cup at 15:03. Beating HHH in 1996 was about as impressive as beating Al Snow, so this was hardly the glorious moment of triumph you’d want for an event with the history and tradition of the Kuwaiti Cup. Oh wait, never mind. *1/2
Hey, if you’re looking for the worst Bret Hart v. Steve Austin match ever recorded, this is your tape! And if you love Ahmed Johnson, this is your tape! For the rest of us, take a pass.
