The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Maple Leaf Gardens – April 23 1989
– Taped from Toronto, ON.
– Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred
Greg Valentine v. The Blue Blazer
Hammer takes Blazer down with a hairpull to start and they do a quick wrestling sequence on the mat, and Blazer gets a crossbody for two before going to the arm. Hammer bails and Jimmy helps him work out the arm problems as Gorilla sums up the new team of Valentine & Honky Tonk Man: “One sings and the other beats you to death. Kind of a rough combination, I’d say.” Hammer tries some chops in the corner, but Blazer takes him down and works the arm while Gorilla speculates on the identity, with Heenan’s theory being that it’s Lanny Poffo. Valentine dumps him to escape while Gorilla goes off on Heenan even when Bobby’s not even in the building, which is a funny moment and very true to their relationship. Valentine pounds away while Blazer gets stuck on the apron, and back in for an elbowdrop that gets two. Hammer works on the leg in the corner, but Blazer fights out with a dropkick and an elbow for two. Another dropkick misses and Hammer gets two. Hammer just clubs the Blazer down and starts working on the legs, then sets up for the figure-four, forcing Blazer to fight him off and then cradle for two. Hammer clubs him down again, but Blazer kicks him out of the ring this time. Hammer tries to come back in from the top rope, but Blazer catches him coming down and gets a backbreaker for two. Backdrop and legdrop get two. Valentine gets rammed into the turnbuckle the requisite 10 times and Blazer goes up and drops the elbow for two. Blazer goes up with the missile dropkick for two. Suplex and he goes up again, but he gets distracted by Jimmy and Valentine catches him with a slam and then hooks the tights for the pin at 12:30. Slow start, but the crowd was really getting into Blazer’s comebacks, even if the whole match was pretty lethargic overall. Finish looked messed up, though, as it seemed like Valentine was supposed to roll through a bodypress and someone missed the cue. ***
Dino Bravo v. Hercules
They fight for the lockup to start and Herc grabs the headlock, and they try to shoulderblock each other. Gorilla and Alfred discuss how Bobby Heenan essentially swindled Ted Dibiase out of a huge chunk of money — Dibiase paid Heenan what is assumed to be into six figures for the services of Hercules and got nothing for it — which once again shows why the character of Bobby Heenan was the true smartest man in wrestling. In fact, he got one over on Dibiase TWICE, as he had previously sold Andre for $1,000,000 and then bought him back for $100,000, thus making a $900,000 profit. So really, Dibiase had a lot of money, but little financial acumen. He should have hired JBL as his advisor. They spend forever fighting over the stupid headlock and Herc hits a series of hiptosses before going for the full nelson, but Bravo makes the ropes and bails. More stalling and Bravo heads back in for the slugfest and then gets an atomic drop for two. And of course, we hit the chinlock. Hercules fights up and gets put down with a clothesline, and he wastes more time before going back to the chinlock again. Slam and elbow get two. And we’re back to the chinlock again before Herc fights up and into the slugfest…and Bravo catches him with the bearhug. This match is LITERALLY putting me to sleep. The soothing dulcet tones of Gorilla Monsoon and the boring match are a bad combination for a lazy Saturday afternoon, lemme tell you. Herc fights out and Bravo goes back to it again, and then powerslams him. Melodramatic elbow misses and Herc makes the comeback, hitting the kneelift and his shitty clotheslines. He actually gets the torture rack, but changes his mind and throws him down for two. Elbowdrop gets two. Bravo dumps him to the ramp to escape this offensive onslaught, and then blocks a sunset flip for the pin at 15:46. Yeah, it was THAT long. 1/2*
The Honky Tonk Man v. Hillbilly Jim
Honky brutalizes Jim with the megaphone right away and that’s apparently the whole match, as Honky gets DQ’d. OK then.
Ted Dibiase v. Jake Roberts
They fight for the lockup and Jake blocks all of Dibiase’s punches in the corner, so Ted takes a powder. Back in, Jake slugs away and Dibiase runs again. Back in and they do the test of strength, leading to Jake trying to sneak in the DDT, but Dibiase slips away and runs again. Back in, Jake starts working on the arm, but Dibiase makes the ropes and we get another stall. Back to the arm and Dibiase puts his head down, but Jake can’t get the DDT, as Dibiase heads to the floor again. Jake rams Dibiase into Virgil. Finally, Dibiase catches Jake with the fistdrop on way in and the match can start for real. Clothesline gets two. Dibiase hits the chinlock and drops another fist for two. Jake beaks at Virgil, allowing Ted to hit his middle rope elbow, and we go back to the chinlock again. Jake fights up, but walks into a knee and it’s Million Dollar Dream time. Jake smartly falls onto the ropes, forcing the break, but Dibiase gets two. Chinlock, but Jake escapes with a jawbreaker and wins a slugfest. Short clothesline and he set up for the DDT, but Virgil trips him up and Dibiase escapes. They slug it out and Jake rolls him up and uses the tights for the pin at 15:00. Pretty dull, chinlock-heavy match. ** And what is WITH all the cheap finishes tonight?
Boris Zhukov v. Paul Roma
Truly a main event in any arena in the country. For some reason the graphics here have it spelled “Boris Zhukoff”, not that it really matters in the grand scheme of things. Boris starts with a slam and a clothesline, and the crowd is ALREADY on the match with the “boring” chant. Geez, I know Paul Roma sucks, but let’s give the guy a chance to redeem himself for his awful career, at least! Or maybe it was just “Boris” and they’re mispronouncing it. Was anyone in the crowd who can confirm? They slug it out and Boris shoulderblocks him down, but Roma comes back with his own slam and hiptoss, before putting him on the floor with a dropkick. Fans start the “boring” chant again as Roma takes Zhukov down and starts working the leg while Gorilla and Alfred start having a bizarre and totally related conversation about the Toronto Blue Jays and how they were terrible that year. They actually went on to win the American League East that year, but lost to the A’s in the ALCS, so THERE, Gorilla. Anyway, the crowd is just totally bored with this thing and Zhukov chops away in the corner and hits him with a headbutt, but Roma reverses a slam for two. He tries a Boston crab, but Boris makes the ropes and gets a cheapshot to take over again. Roma tries a crossbody out of the corner but misses, and Boris gets two. Knee to the gut gets two. God, just give it up and go home already. But no, Zhukov uses a bearhug instead. Backbreaker gets two, but a splash misses and Roma makes the comeback for the enthralled masses. Roma slugs away and comes off the middle rope with…another punch. Dig that moveset! He goes up to finish with the missile dropkick after what feels like a month and a half. I suppose that it could have been worse — Jim Powers v. Nikolai Volkoff or something. *
– BILLY RED LYONS~! brings out Hillbilly Jim to comment on his earlier problems with Honky Tonk Man, but Hillbilly wants Honky back out here NOW. Sadly, Honky has left the building, but they’ll have a rematch next time. Darn.
WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Randy Savage
Savage evades him to start and gets some advice from Sherri, allowing him to jump Hogan from behind and pop up with the double axehandle. He drapes his robe on Hogan and hits him with another axehandle, but Hulk immediately pops up and hits Savage with an atomic drop. Hulk slugs away and follows with a running elbow in the corner, then tosses him and follows him out. Savage hides behind Sherri, but Hulk waits him out and then rams him into the table and we head back in. Running elbow and then he intentionally puts his head down, but catches Savage’s foot in a smart move and takes him down again. Sherri argues with him and allows Savage to hit him from behind again, this time with a high knee that puts him on the floor. Clothesline gets two and Savage chokes him out. Gorilla notes this would mark the first time the World title had changed hands in Toronto, should Macho win it here. Although he didn’t, of course Hulk’s reign DID come to an end in Toronto a little under a year later via the Ultimate Warrior. So Gorilla was close. Savage goes to a sleeper, but Hulk fights up and drops an elbow. Sherri gets involved again and Savage hits him from behind again as a result. Geez, you’d think the guy would catch on by now. Savage gets something out of Sherri’s pants and nails Hogan with it (eww….) but it’s time for the hulk up. Big boot puts Savage on the floor and they brawl, but Hogan gets wrapped up with Sherri again and counted out at 10:00. God, another awful finish. Very toned down match between them, mainly kicking and punching. **1/4
Mr. Perfect v. Bret Hart
They fight for the lockup to start and Bret grabs a headlock, then hiptosses him into the corner. Another go around turns into a criss-cross and Bret takes him down again. Bret with a crossbody for two, and he gets a sunset flip for two and takes him down with the headlock again. Perfect tries the chops, but Bret takes him down with a crucifix for two. Perfect bails and complains about the grease in Bret’s hair, but really what’s the ref gonna do? Recommend a good conditioner? Back to the lockup and Perfect uses a cheapshot to gain the advantage, but Bret catches a kick and takes him down. Hennig slams him, but Bret mule kicks him from the mat and then rams his head into the mat and clotheslines him into the mat. You can tell Curt is feeling the love tonight because he’s bumping like crazy for everything now. Perfect stalls for a while and they start with the lockup again, allowing Perfect to hit him with another cheapshot, and he follows with a kneelift and boots Bret out of the ring. He keeps knocking Bret off the apron and then Bret gets to take his favorite bump into the railing. Always a classic. Back in, Bret gets whipped into the corner for the turnbuckle bump, and that gets two for Perfect. They head out to the ramp and Perfect rams him into it, then goes to a spinning toehold, but Bret kicks him into the corner. Ah, it’s dueling turnbuckle bumps. The shoulder is hurt, so Bret runs it into the corner again and follows with a hammerlock slam before grabbing an armbar on the mat. He pounds on the arm in the corner and puts him down with a headbutt, but another crucifix attempt is blocked with a samoan drop. He follows with a falling headbutt to Bret’s midsection, further knocking the wind out of him, and then punts him in the ribs. They fight for the abdominal stretch and Perfect hiptosses out of it, then follows with a rollup for two. Bret shoves him out of the ring on the kickout and follows with a beautiful pescado, and they head back in. Vertical suplex gets two for Bret. Backbreaker and middle rope elbow get two, but the bell rings for the draw at 20:00. Well shucks. This was like a template for their 1991 match, with Hennig bumping all over the place and Bret refining his babyface act. And for the time, it was EXCELLENT. **** Bret wants five more minutes, but Perfect notes that he couldn’t beat him in 20:00, so 5:00 more won’t help. Then he turns around and jumps Bret and beats the hell out of him, but goes up and gets crotched by Bret. Bret makes the comeback and elbows Perfect out of the ring, and this time he goes back to the dressing room for real. Hell of a deal, but Bret’s singles push got stalled and aborted soon after.
The Brainbusters v. The Bushwhackers
I’ve never seen this particular combination before, oddly enough. Butch starts with Arn and we get some wacky comedy with biting of butts, and AA bails. Back in, Luke pokes him in the eyes, but a cheapshot from Tully on the apron quickly turns the tide. The Wackers clean house, however, and we get the usual endless stalling from them. Tully gives it a try now and he gets pounded in the corner, and runs away, suckering Luke into an attack from Arn. This may be the worst Tully and Arn match in recorded history. Finally the Busters take over and work Luke over in their corner, and the chinlock follows. Arn tosses Luke for some abuse from Tully, but he fights his way back in. Tully puts him in a Boston Crab and gets help from Arn, but Luke fights out and clotheslines him, setting up the hot tag to Butch. Battering ram for Tully gets two, but Arn tosses Luke and the Busters double-team Butch. They set up for the spike piledriver, but Luke pushes Tully onto Arn, and Butch pins them both like that at 11:31. I take it back — it wasn’t the WORST, because Tully & Arn kind of turned it into a standard tag match instead of a comedy match by sheer force of willpower, but that finish was pretty retarded. *1/2 And what is with the Brainbusters doing a clean job to the BUSHWACKERS?
The Pulse
Bret-Perfect is totally worth the two hours this show will eat up, but the finishes are beyond stupid and just a non-stop stream of cheapness, so it’s not a very satisfying show. But then 1989 wasn’t a great year for the WWF anyway, so you can’t expect much here.
