Things have been crazy busy around here lately. Between laying around time and watching reruns of “House”, I haven’t had time to put together a decent column. (Not that I ever bother writing a decent column anyway.)
As such I have recruited a dear friend of mine, The Furious Gaming Geek, to write this week’s Contradicting Popular Opinion.
So take it away!
It is I who is me who is the Furious Gaming Geek. Because it is me who is the Furious Gaming Geek, it falls under and below my purview to comment on the various and sundry ways of the brother and sister media of Video Games and Movies. And it is because of this blood relation of Video Games and Movies that their offspring are inbred seven toed hillbillies like brothers and sisters would, upon taboo fornication, create such abominations as carnivorous Hill-eyed mutants. Truly it is an infuriating thing that set of movies which were spawned by games, and perhaps and even more infuriating thing to play those games which, like salmon, were spawned by Video Games. Many times during the course of playing a video game, fish have popped out of it. It happens a lot with the old 16 bit cartridges.
Because this is written for a section known as the Popcorn Junkies dot com, we shall focus on the films which were based upon video games, and not the video games which were based upon movies. We will not mention such horrifying NES games like Back to the Future, a game which makes less sense than a drunken Tom Cruise explaining the plots of all three Mission: Impossible movies in Pig Latin, which was not spoken by the ancient Roman pigs at all!
But, because the site is the Popcorn Junkies dot com, we are required, and by we I mean me, who is the Furious Gaming Geek, we and I mean me, who is I, will discuss my crippling popcorn addiction. At one point, I was eating 18 cups of popcorn per day, which is over one gallon per day of delicious popped corn to snack upon; it was a terribly crippling addiction, costing me nearly 16 dollars a week. It was all air-popped unbuttered popcorn, so it only has as many calories as two cans of coke. Come to think of it, that was the best addiction of my life, the life of me who is the Furious Gaming Geek. Chewing all the popcorn contributed and added to the mastication abilities of the Furious Gaming Geek, who is now capable of biting a quarter in half, but not in a true half, per se, as one side is oblate and the other side is crescent shaped.
After years of costly therapy, and rehab, the Furious Gaming Geek has managed to cut down to 16 cups, which is exactly one gallon, per day, which is approximately 24 hours, of wonderful popcorn. If you, who are all not me, squint, the word popcorn looks to be the word “popcom” which is not a real word in the real world at all, but perhaps should be. This new portmanteau word is sort of like romcom with pop in lieu of rom, thus making it the term for a popantic-comedy, one of the Furious Gaming Geek’s fifteen favorite genres of films.
One cannot mention video game films without mentioning Uwe Boll, even if that one is me who is the Furious Gaming Geek. Many people who are not the Furious Gaming Geek criticize those films of Uwe for myriad reasons. These reasons include, but by no means are limited to such things as factual inaccuracies about Desert Eagles, poor continuity, multiple instances of visible equipment, good actors giving bad performances, terrible performances by terrible actors, gratuitous Michael Madsen, scripts that read like fanfic with the gay sex edited out, the strange and redundant final reel of BloodRayne, and the fact that House of the Dead contained no House of the Dead.
But, you haters, hatererizers, and various and sundry drinkers of the Hatorade, which contains no electrolytes, do not realize something! Uwe Boll has produced fourteen movies since 2005! He doesn’t have time for things like continuity, fact checking, art or entertainment! Have you people no decency! You have no right to be livid, fuming, incensed, outraged, irate, angry or beside yourself. Some of his movies get FOUR STARS! Sure this is a four out of ten rating on imdb.com, but it is much higher than any of the Furious Gaming Geek’s films, which have been thoroughly rejected by imdb for having “no artistic merit” and for featuring “gratuitous violence against sparrows”.
The real problem with Video Game films is that there is no Sonic the Hedgehog movie. Sure, there are cartoons, but what is demanded by the movie-going public is a live action movie. It should not be CGI or anything like that either. We take a real hedgehog, spray paint it blue, and put it in red sneakers and teach it to run so fast as to be capable of running upside-down in a loop de loop fashion. Then it is both wise and necessary to have this spray-painted hedgehog fight robots and a mustachioed man, provided that the hedgehog lives long enough and doesn‘t die like those pigs that were spray painted or that Roy‘s childhood turtle from the situational comedy “Wings“.
This has been a message from the Furious Gaming Geek, who is me.
The Furious Gaming Geek.
The Post Script – It should also be noted that the general public demands Pong the movie.
