Maple Leaf Gardens – December 15 1985

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The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Maple Leaf Gardens – December 15 1985

– Taped from Toronto, ON

– Your hosts are Gorilla & Jesse.

Tony Parisi v. Johnny K-9

They fight over a headlock to start and K-9 pounds away in the corner until Parisi backdrops him out. K-9 goes a little nuts and retreats to the ramp to talk it over, but Parisi snaps him back in and goes back to the headlock. K-9 escapes and goes up, but Parisi slams him off for two. He goes to work on the leg, but takes so long that Gorilla notes he probably forgot which was the bad one. Jesse and Gorilla could be pretty droll when faced with such a crappy match. They exchange boots and Parisi gets a sunset flip for two before firing away and into a backdrop. Flying butt splash finishes at 7:50. This was definitely not a scientific classic. 1/2*

Hercules Hernandez v. Bob Marcus

I don’t give Marcus much of a chance here. Jesse gives him 3:1 odds. Hercules pounds away for a couple of minutes and drops an elbow for two, then hits a suplex for two, picking him up. Herc argues with the ref about his right to be a jerk, and the jobber rolls him up for two and makes his comeback. Herc casually destroys him with a clothesline out of the corner and finishes with the torture rack at 5:00. Total squash in Herc’s debut. 1/2*

Rene Goulet v. Ron Shaw

Jesse and Gorilla swap stories about SASKATOON! My year is complete. Goulet works for the hammerlock, but Shaw takes him down with a top wristlock. Goulet goes to a chinlock and locks in the clawhold as Gorilla and Jesse casually bust on Goulet’s lack of success with the hold as of late. And indeed, Shaw fights up, but misses a blind charge. Goulet gets two off that. Goulet drops a fist for two. And it’s back to the “scorpion clawhold”, but Shaw fights up again and whips Goulet into the corner and out. Back in, Rene catches him with a cheapshot but only gets one. Shaw finishes with a sunset flip at 7:00. How about that. 1/2* Goulet attacks him and then runs away when challenged.

Canadian Heavyweight title: Dino Bravo v. Tiger Chung Lee

This is late 85 and by early 87 Bravo had ballooned to at least 70 pounds of muscle heavier. That can’t be healthy, even with the esteemed Dr. George Zahorian carefully supervising. Bravo takes Lee down with a headscissors to start and holds onto that until Lee escapes. He switches to a top wristlock and goes to work on the arm. Lee finally breaks out of that with a superkick in the corner, then goes to a chinlock. Jesse notes that he wouldn’t want to face Bravo for the Canadian title because there’s not enough sun up here to support his Hollywood tan, but he’d consider winning the belt if Bravo’s Mountie-themed coat was on the line as well. What interesting conversations you used to get when they were bored. Lee chokes Bravo out on the ropes and drops a fist for two. And we’re back to the chinlock, which Jesse actually calls a “resthold” for the first time I can recall on a WWF TV show. Tiger with a clothesline for two and then back to the chinlock. Bravo makes the comeback and slugs him down, and a backdrop gets two. Lee blocks another attempt, but Bravo hits a backdrop suplex to retain at 8:50 for a big pop. Pretty dull stuff. *

The Hart Foundation v. Hillbilly Jim & Uncle Elmer

Rare red tights for the Harts tonight. The overdubbing of the hillbilly music is pretty obnoxious here, leaving me wondering what music they were using that needed to be recorded over. Jim starts with the Anvil and works on his arm, and it’s over to Elmer for more of the same. Jim gets too close to the heel corner and some double-teaming turns the tide, as Anvil goes to the chinlock and Bret chokes him out in the corner. Anvil pounds him down as the heat for this is ridiculously off the charts for such a crap match. Hillbilly tries to slug back, but Anvil cuts off the ring with a facelock and we do the false tag. Anvil accidentally dropkicks Bret on the double-team, however, and it’s HOT tag to Elmer. Bret even takes the railing bump because the crowd is so apeshit for this, and Elmer splashes Anvil in the corner. Bret smartly trips him up, however, and Anvil covers for the pin at 8:28. Uncle Elmer was some kind of awful but this had heat like you wouldn’t believe. And then the ref changes his mind and restarts the match, counting out the Harts instead. OK, that’s pretty lame. *1/2

King Tonga v. Bob Orton

Now the crowd’s getting good and revved up. Orton swears up and down that the cast is totally clean. Honest. Tonga wisely goes after the “broken” arm to start and wrestles him to the mat. Orton sneaks out and jaws with the fans, allowing Tonga to dropkick him for two. Back to the arm, but Orton unwinds some tape and chokes Tonga out with it. He claims innocence, then does it again, hiding the offending weapon in his cast. He slugs away in the corner and drops an elaborate elbow before hitting an atomic drop and knee for two. Orton tries a piledriver, but Tonga backdrops out of it and makes the comeback, slugging him down until Orton begs off. Tonga makes the giant mistake of putting his head down, however, and Orton clobbers him with the cast for the DQ at 8:08. Orton celebrates, oblivious to the actual decision rendered. Bob Orton kind of ruled, man. This was pretty disappointing, as I was hoping for Orton bumping around for Tonga’s chops and headbutts, but again had really good heat. **

Paul Orndorff v. Ted Grizzly

Who the FUCK is Ted Grizzly that Orndorff should be so pissed off at him? Orndorff just destroys the poor Moondog-looking bastard and finishes with the piledriver at 0:45. DUD

WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Terry Funk

The crowd is just totally ape for this, as I’m shocked they didn’t get more mileage out of this feud. Funk threatens to smack Gorilla around, because he’s awesome. They reverse each other into the corner in a neat spot and Hogan wins that one, hitting the corner clothesline to follow up. Funk bails and re-channels his crazy, grabbing the megaphone, but Hulk dumps him and Funk does the rocking horse spot in the ropes. Back in, Hulk slugs away and follows with a backdrop suplex for two. Funk goes low pretty blatantly to take over and tosses Hogan, dropping an axehandle from the apron. Back in, he chokes away with the tape and then adds a piledriver for two. Hulk fights back on the ramp and slams Funk into the ring, making the comeback. Clothesline and elbowdrop sets up the big boot, but Terry bumps to the apron to foil the legdrop. Hulk suplexes him in, but Hart hooks the leg and Funk gets the PIN?!? Nope, Hogan has his foot on the ropes, and he steals Jimmy Hart’s boot and KO’s Funk to retain at 9:09. What a sportsman. Tons of fun Terry bumps here make this a win. ***

WWF tag team titles: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs

Dynamite starts with Valentine and works on a headlock, then shoulderblocks him to the apron. Back in, Valentine with a slam, but Kid does it harder and then adds one for Beefcake as well. Over to Davey Boy with a headlock on Beefcake, and the Bulldogs team up for a double headbutt on him before Kid adds a snap suplex and drops a knee. Back to Davey with a hammerlock, but Beefcake takes him down and makes the tag to Hammer. Davey goes to the headlock again, into a hiptoss and standing dropkick, and we hit the chinlock. Valentine fights up and clobbers Davey with a clothesline, allowing Brutus to come in and pound away. He goes to a sleeper, as does Hammer, and they use some ref manipulation for the double-team. Beefcake throws a SUPERKICK of all things and chokes Davey out on the top rope, which has Jesse all proud. Beefer with the spinning toehold, although he’s working the right leg for some bizarre reason. Is Canada like Mexico where you have to switch from left to right? Anyway, Davey fights off a figure-four attempt by Valentine and makes the tag to Dynamite, as noggins are knocked and I’m sensing a curfew draw here given that this isn’t really going anywhere. Kid with the snap suplex for two. The Dream Team gets a cheapshot in their corner and Beefcake drops a knee on Dynamite for two. They work him over, but Kid fights back on Beefcake and makes a hot tag to Davey Boy. Running powerslam on Beefcake and he puts Hammer on his shoulders, allowing Dynamite to climb on TOP of Hammer and dive off with the headbutt on Beefcake! WOW! Davey then hits a death valley driver on Valentine and Kid goes up with a missile dropkick on him, and that gets the apparent pin, although the ref waves it off for being in the ropes. Davey with a delayed suplex, but Beefcake tags in and gets the high knee for two. Davey with a small package for two. Spike piledriver (!!!) on Beefcake, but the bell rings for curfew at 13:38 just as this was getting mind-blowing. This was some kind of finish to a pretty crappy show overall. ***3/4