The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Primetime Wrestling – December 24 1990
– Your hosts are Bobby and Gorilla, who immediately have a great fight about trimming the tree (“Where should I stick this?”).
The Legion of Doom v. Tony Ulysses & Duane Gill
Great wrestling name on “Tony Ulysses”, but it’s wasted on a jobber. Poor Gill gets press-slammed by Hawk and powerslammed by Animal, then tossed into the corner for the tag. Ulysses gets no offense before Hawk shoulderblocks him. His cartoonish selling looks pretty ridiculous, even by jobber standards. Back to Gill, who gets hit with a nice belly to belly from Animal before the Doomsday Device finishes at 3:02.
SPECIAL REPORT! WITH LORD ALFRED HAYES! Last week, Ted Dibiase buys off Howard Finkel (with very little protest on the Fink’s part, I should note) and takes his place as ring announcer, allowing Mr. Perfect to regain the IC title from Kerry Von Erich. Kerry is ANGRY as a result. Back in the studio, Bobby presents the other side of the story, pointing out that Kerry hit Dibiase first over a comment about Texas, because who cares about Texas anyway?
The Barbarian v. Saba Simba
So glad I decided to watch this show. Pushing and shoving to start, as the centuries-old Polynesia v. Africa rivalry simmers over again, as it’s done so many times in the past. Barbarian chokes away on the ropes, but gets headbutted and clotheslined out by Simba. So on the hard head stereotype chart, apparently being black trumps being Tongan. Good know if I’m ever in a fight and need backup. Barbarian tries to work a headlock, but Simba is SAVAGE and escapes, so Barbarian puts him down with headbutts. Now, this would seem to contradict their earlier exchange, but he actually headbutted the shoulder, so save your angry letters to the WWF. That gets two. Barbarian slugs him down and goes to the bearhug, which must be off-putting for Simba since they don’t have bears in Africa. I can only imagine the confusion going through his head as he wonders “What is this hold squeezing the life out of me, as though by some beast that I’ve never seen before, let alone hugged?” This also begs the question of how Barbarian would learn a bearhug on an island with no bears, but I don’t want to blow anyone’s mind here. Simba gets a pair of headbutts, but his back gives way on a slam and Barbarian gets two. Barbarian goes up, but Simba uses his lion-like reflexes to dodge the move, but then I guess channeling the lion really took it out of him, because he walks into a boot and gets pinned at 8:12. Gorilla, back at the studio, chides Bobby and notes that Simba’s heritage is nothing to be laughed at. I respectfully disagree. -***
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! Royal Rumble comes up next month, you know. Pretty laid back promo from the Warrior here. Also, a rare promo featuring Brother Love as Undertaker’s manager. Andre is also announced as competing here, but obviously that didn’t happen.
Power & Glory v. Pat Armstrong & Kevin Green
Hercules pounds on Green to start, but misses a charge and gets dropkicked. A clothesline out of the corner ends that rally. Roma comes in with a backbreaker into a powerslam for two, and it’s over to Armstrong. Roma dropkicks him off a criss-cross and Hercules adds a clothesline to set up the POWERPLEX~! to finish at 3:52.
EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY! The only event you need to know about is the Royal Rumble. It’s so big that even Shane Douglas gets to cut a promo!
Big Bossman v. Pete Sanchez
Usual Bossman squash here, as he tosses Sanchez around and puts him away with a big boot into the Bossman slam at 1:38.
More from Undertaker, as he and Brother Love are interviewed by Mean Gene. Taker is actually more verbose here than he would be once Paul Bearer started doing the talking for him.
Haku v. Jimmy Snuka
Lord Alfred, ever the source of interesting facts, notes that Fiji and Tonga have canoe races against each other, so there’s some rivalry here. Feel free to use that one at parties. They fight for a lockup to start and Haku gets the cheapshot, but Snuka pounds him down and grabs a headlock. Haku catches him with a knee, however, and uses his island martial arts to take over. They trade headbutts and Snuka chops Haku down, which prompts him to leave and walk back to the dressing room. Luckily for us, he returns. Back in, Snuka pounds away in the corner, but Haku takes him down with an atomic drop and a piledriver. Haku pounds away in the corner and follows with the choke on the ropes. Snuka comes back with a sunset flip for two and throws chops in the corner. Rollup finishes for Snuka at 8:20. Haku’s shoulders were pretty clearly up at two, so blame the ref for that one. *
Brother Love presents Dusty and Dustin Rhodes. Dustin trying to do his dad’s promo style is pretty hilarious.
The British Bulldog v. Buddy Rose
Joined in progress, thank god. Rose tosses Bulldog, but a sunset flip back in gets two. They collide and Rose falls on top for two. Rose goes up and gets slammed off and Bulldog rams him into the turnbuckles for the ten count, then follows with a backdrop and elbow for two. Rose catches him with his head down and goes to the chinlock. He misses a charge, however, and the powerslam ends it at 5:11. *
Let us take you up to Canada, where THE MOUNTIE patrols parking lots and terrorizes Americans. He does make sure to note that he’s not an officer, he’s The Mountie.
The Hart Foundation v. Black Bart & The Demon
Now there’s an evil sounding jobber team. Poor Bart, reduced to this. And his career would actually get WORSE, bottoming out with the Desperadoes in WCW. Neidhart pounds on Bart and dumps him, and it’s over to the Demon (who has EVIL TASSLES on his tights) and the Harts double-team him and finish in short order with the Hart Attack.
Jake Roberts v. Kent Carlson
Carlson tries to throw shoulders in the corner, but gets kneelifted instead, and Jake goes to a chinlock. DDT finishes at 2:00.
Mr. Perfect v. Rico Frederico
Perfect smacks the jobber around to start, but gets dropkicked out of the ring. Back in, Rico catches him with a clothesline in the corner, but Perfect is just pissed now and chops him down. Standing dropkick and now you’re gonna see a Perfectplex.
Bobby and Gorilla exchange gifts to end the show, which sees Bobby accidentally smashing a Rolex with a hammer in a hilarious bit.
Tags: 24/7, bobby heenan, Gorilla Monsoon, royal rumble, SmarK Rants, WWE