The SmarK Rant for WWE No Way Out 2009
– Live from Seattle, WA
– Your hosts are JR, King, Tazz, Striker, Grisham and Cole.
Smackdown World title, Elimination Chamber: Edge v. Undertaker v. HHH v. Jeff Hardy v. Vladimir Kozlov v. Big Show
Quite the opener. Also a good way to keep the crowd from getting burned out on them at the end of the show. So we have Edge and Jeff Hardy starting as JR stumbles all over explaining the rules. It’s been 7 years, you’d think they would have it down by now. Jeff gets a pair of clotheslines, but Edge puts him down with a big boot for two. A splash on the ropes gets two. Edge smacks Jeff around in the corner and mocks Big Show, but Hardy takes him down with an atomic drop into the low dropkick. Twist of Fate and Jeff goes up already, but misses the swanton. Edge sets up for the spear, but Hardy rolls him up for the pin at 3:05. Huh. Surprised we’ve never seen that finish before. Edge is shocked at losing his title, but given all the title changes I’m sure he’ll get it back soon anyway.
So next in is Kozlov and he pounds away on Hardy in the corner and puts him down with a headbutt. He runs Hardy into the cage a few times in the gentlest manner possible, then tosses him into the ring for two. Headbutts in the corner and he follows with a blockbuster slam for two. Note to Kozlov: Sneering before every move isn’t the same as charisma or ring psychology. Backbreaker gets two. Kozlov bearhugs him on the mat and elbows him down, but Hardy dropkicks him into the corner and follows with the mule kick. Whisper in the Wind and finally it’s time for someone who isn’t awful to come in. Oh, wait, it’s Big Show, never mind. Show and Kozlov double-team Jeff and pound him down, giving us cute series where they each try to abuse Hardy with more impressive stuff. Finally Kozlov takes his moment and puts Show down with the headbutt, and they slug it out. HHH is next in and he fires away on Show and puts Kozlov down with the high knee, then hits the spinebuster on Show. Hardy tries to sneak in with a Twist of Fate, but HHH puts him down again with a clothesline. 3-on-1 is NOTHING to HHH! He runs Kozlov into the cage and tries the Pedigree out there, but Show breaks it up. I agree with JR — why bother stopping him? Back in the ring, Show gets a sideslam for two. Meanwhile, Kozlov drops elbows on Hardy. HHH escapes a chokeslam, but walks into a press slam instead. Show runs him into the cage and splashes him against it, then runs Hardy into HHH as well. Sadly, he misses another charge and puts himself down.
Back in the ring, HHH and Hardy team up with a double-team suplex on Kozlov, and it’s Undertaker time. He drops Kozlov with Snake Eyes and follows with the big boot, then hits Hardy and HHH with corner clotheslines. Show attacks him from behind, however, and Taker comes back with a DDT on the steel outside the ring. Finally Kozlov puts him down with a headbutt and pounds him in the corner with elbows, but it’s Last Ride from there and Vlad is done at 23:00. OK, he’s been pinned, he’s not undefeated, so shut up about it announcers. HHH recovers and tries to Pedigree Show again, but he gets backdropped to the steel. Show tosses Hardy onto HHH for good measure. Hardy climbs to the top of the pod to escape and Show follows, but you have to think that’s a bad idea. And indeed Undertaker brings Show down with a superplex. Show’s still moving, so KICK WHAM PEDIGREE and a swanton from the pod put him out at 26:12.
Hardy misses a Whisper on Undertaker, so HHH and UT slug it out in the corner and HHH bumps to the steel as a result. Taker goes Old School on Hardy, but HHH brings him down to break it up. Hardy catapults himself off the recovering Undertaker and hits HHH with a plancha, but Undertaker is having none of that shit and tombstones Hardy out of it at 28:35. Note to self: Never launch off Undertaker when he’s laying on the mat. Apparently it upsets him. So we’re down to HHH v. Undertaker, which we actually haven’t seen in so long that it’s interesting again. Taker boots him down as JR dubs this match “Satan’s vacation house in Hell.” That’s uh, quite the metaphor. Taker charges and crotches himself in the corner, allowing HHH to ram him into the cage, but Taker comes back with the chokeslam. That gets two. Taker follows with Snake Eyes, but runs into the spinebuster and HHH gets two. HHH sends him into the cage and tries a Pedigree, but Taker catapults him into the cage to counter and they trade tombstone attempts before Taker gets it. But HHH’s foot is on the ropes at two. From a kayfabe perspective, you have to have huge balls to do that. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE gets two. They slug it out in the corner and the crowd doesn’t really know what to do here. Taker puts him down, but HHH fires away in the corner. Don’t people KNOW not to do that? Last Ride, but HHH escapes and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE wins him the title at 35:58. I kinda want to see HHH v. Undertaker at Wrestlemania now. Without the Kozlov stuff it’s an easy Match of the Year, but it’s still excellent even with it, especially once it was down to the last four guys. ****1/2 Enough with the title switches already, though. This is getting almost Russo-like.
Meanwhile, Edge seeks consolation from his loving wife Vickie, but she notes that it was his own fault for losing and there’s nothing she can do. They’re like a Valentine’s Day inspiration for us all.
Meanwhile, Randy Orton lets us know that the carnage will not stop until he’s destroyed the entire McMahon family. And I’m supposed to boo him?
No Holds Barred: Shane McMahon v. Randy Orton
It’s kind of off-putting for this to be presented as a super-serious grudge match, and then have Shane’s goofy entrance music and dancing. And a graphic introducing him as “Executive Vice President” no less. Nothing strikes fear into opponents like someone being introduced as Executive VP! Shane slugs away to start, but Orton pounds him into the corner. Shane fires back again and puts Orton on the floor, following with a baseball slide. And the plunder comes early, as Shane brings out a table and garbage can, but Orton puts him down with a neckbreaker. Back in the ring, Orton with a backdrop suplex and he pulls a turnbuckle pad off and whips Shane into the corner. Shane finds his kendo stick and fires away with it, sending Orton to the floor again. Shane preps the Smackdown announce table (good thing he’s considerate enough to use the one that won’t be used again tonight), then nails Orton with the monitor. TO THE TOP, but the Legacy runs in and beats on Shane. Luckily Shane is able to fight them off using VICE PRESIDENTIAL POWER while Orton bleeds on the floor. Shane gives Rhodes the Shane Terminator, which looks completely ridiculous here because obviously the can absorbed all the impact and didn’t even move towards Cody’s face. At least when RVD does it, he uses a chair so that there’s SOME suspension of disbelief. Shane tries to drop the elbow on Orton, but misses and goes through the table instead. Orton brings Shane back in with the DDT, for two. Orton sets up the table and puts Shane on top, and that gives us a superplex through the table. That gets two. You can’t beat an Executive Vice President with a wuss move like that! Come on, be serious. Orton Stomp gets two. He sets up for the punt, but Shane blocks with a spear and uses a chair to come back. This turns into Shane’s version of the Garvin Stomp, as he uses a chair instead of a stomp. That’s pretty smart, actually. And certainly more effective. Shane sets up for his own version of the punt, but the RKO finishes at 18:14. Who’s dumb enough to run at Orton when he’s coiled like a viper? That’s what he DOES! Usual Shane garbage match, and I’m over it. Too much laying around selling the devastating garbage cans. ***
ECW World title: Jack Swagger v. Finlay
Finlay takes him down and works the leg to start, but charges into the corner and misses. Swagger pounds him with knees and works on the arm, and a shoulderbreaker gets two. Swagger stays on the arm and Striker notes that the last major title change in Seattle was Wrestlemania 19. He of course doesn’t say who that was (Brock Lesnar over Kurt Angle) which is kind of disappointing because I thought they were over that stuff. Finlay gets a rollup for two, but Swagger takes it to the top, which goes nowhere. Finlay slugs him down and goes up with a bodypress for two. Finlay with three clothesline and a butt splash for two. Swagger runs Finlay into Hornswoggle, however, and finishes with the doctor bomb at 7:51. These guys have zero chemistry. *1/2 The talk from the announcers about how Hornswoggle was a detriment lead to me think a heel turn is coming for Finlay.
Emancipation match: Shawn Michaels v. JBL
The threat here: If JBL wins, he will exploit Shawn’s name and likeness for personal gain in perpetuity. That’s actually how they presented the stakes here, like it was written by Jerry McDevitt and his team of copyright lawyers and as if that’s the worst thing one human being can do to another. Man, this angle really went down the crapper after a good start. JBL gets all in Shawn’s face in the corner, but Shawn fires back and JBL runs away. Back in, Shawn tries a sunset flip and JBL counters for two. Shawn with a backslide for one, but JBL clotheslines him down and drops the sloppy elbow for two. Shawn goes to the knee and quickly gets a figure-four, but JBL is in the ropes. Shawn with the crossface, but JBL rolls it over for two. Shawn gets whipped into the corner and out, and JBL sends him back in and drops more of his shitty elbows. That gets two. Short-arm clothesline gets two. JBL slugs away in the corner and it’s time for the bearhug. Shawn fights out and gets a neckbreaker and a pair of atomic drops. JBL fires back and puts Shawn on top, but Shawn blocks the superplex and slugs him down again. Big elbow misses and JBL hits the Clothesline from Hell for two. Another one puts Shawn on the floor, but he beats the count at nine. JBL tosses him out again and goes to have words with Rebecca Michaels, but she slaps him, and that’s all Shawn needs to see. Back in, he makes the comeback with the flying forearm, flying elbow, and the superkick ends this stupid feud at 13:17. Slow and dull, with Shawn having to take it down 80 notches to sell the storyline and allow JBL to keep up. **1/2
Elimination Chamber, RAW World title: John Cena v. Chris Jericho v. Rey Mysterio v. Kane v. Mike Knox v. Edge
Edge attacked Kofi Kingston and took his place during the ring entrance, which actually draws a good reaction from the fans. Probably because he’s smarter and cooler than everyone else right now. So the match starts with Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio. Jericho takes Rey down with a headlock, but Rey monkey-flips him and sets up for the 619. Jericho escapes that, but Rey somersaults into him and they go into the cage. Rey slugs away in the corner, but misses a blind charge and hits the post. Jericho with a suplex for two and goes to a chinlock, but Rey fights up. Jericho tries to catapult him into the cage, but Rey grabs on in the Spider-Man spot and hits Jericho with a rana from there. Butt splash gets two. Bulldog and Kane is the next man in. Kane puts both guys down and hits Rey with a sideslam for two. Low dropkick gets two. Kane goes after Jericho and clotheslines him to the steel outside, then rams his knee into the floor. Rey attacks Kane from behind and baseball slides him, but Kane pounds him down again. Rey fights off both Kane and Jericho, but Kane sets up for a chokeslam on Rey. Rey reverses that to a 619 on Kane and Jericho hits Kane with the Codebreaker, allowing Rey to hit the flying butt splash and pin him at 9:47.
Next in, Mike Knox. He goes after both Jericho and Rey and drops a knee on Jericho for two. Jericho backdrops him out of the ring, but tries a bodypress and gets rammed into the cage as a result. Rey sneaks up and dives at Knox, but he goes into the cage too. Back into the ring and Knox uses the clubbing forearms on Rey, but walks into a Codebreaker to thankfully get rid of him at 14:40. So next in is Edge, and Rey attacks him before he can even leave the pod. Rey with the high kicks, but he runs into a Jericho clothesline. Jericho puts Edge down with a bulldog and elbows Rey down, but Lionsault misses. Edge-o-Matic gets two on Jericho. Edge tries the spear on Rey, but misses, and Jericho’s attempt at another sneak Codebreaker misses this time. Rey and Jericho fight to the top, and Edge follows, giving us a Tower of Doom spot that doesn’t get over as well as they were probably hoping. And finally John Cena is the last man in and he hits Edge with a belly to belly suplex and Jericho with a fisherman’s suplex. Backdrop suplex for Edge sets up the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but a Codebreaker breaks up the FU, and Edge pins Cena with a spear at 22:22. HUGE face pop for that.
Rey fights off both heels and gets a rana on Jericho, then hits a 619 on Jericho and runs Edge into the post. West Coast Pop is blocked by the Walls, but Rey rolls up Jericho for the pin at 23:55. So it’s Edge v. Rey Rey, and Rey dodges a spear and gets a rollup for two. Bodypress gets two. Low kick gets two. Tornado DDT gets two. Edge puts him down with a big boot and tries a powerbomb on the steel, but Rey reverses to a facebuster and gets a rare inverted 619, hitting the move on the back of Edge’s head. He charges again, however, and Edge launches him into the pod, and that should about do it. Spear, new champion at 29:45. So Smackdown has both titles for the moment and I have no earthly idea what the feature matches at Wrestlemania are supposed to be now. First 20 minutes were shit, but everything past Cena’s entrance made up for it. ****
The Pulse:
Really this was a two-match show and both of them delivered, so it’s a strong thumbs up based solely on the Elimination Chambers, but everything in the middle can be skipped without missing anything.
