Making Movie History: I Can't Drive…FIFTY-FIVE!

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Yet another Fast And Furious film is opening today and I am not really sure I can even take any more of that crap. Whether it’s something dealing with racing, cross country driving, or just street cars; movies about vehicles just never end up being that successful or more so…that good. Some of them have been known to be decent or even pretty damn good, but the majority end up sucking for one reason or another. And just let many of you know…movies about NASCAR just plain bllloooowwww!

When it comes to cars, I’ll admit that they are not really something I know an entirely lot about just because the interest was never there. That’s not to say that I’m not impressed by nice vehicles or even a cool car chase and the occasional race, but that isn’t something that happens too often. So when it comes to devoting an entire film or more so an entire film franchise to vehicles, then call me crazy but I find it hard to pay much attention at all unless there is something else going on. Throw in some really good comedy or at least a compelling storyline and you’ll get me to keep my eyes on the screen…but if you make it all about the cars then you’re just asking me to take a shot at you.

I’m going to touch a tiny bit more on my teaser paragraph for this column by stating that I was mistaken when saying that movies about NASCAR blow. Please accept my apologies for saying something that doesn’t tell the entire story behind my feelings. Anything and everything associated with NASCAR blows including the “sport” itself. Moving on…

Movies about cars and racing and all that aren’t exactly new because they go back decades. Hell, there was even one I liked from the eighties entitled Six Pack that starred Kenny Rogers as a car driver taking control of six delinquent kids. I decided not to touch on that film though simply because not many people have ever heard of it and it’s been so long since I’ve seen it myself that my description or discussion of it couldn’t do it justice. But I do know that there was much more to it then just racing cars and chances are it would still make for some pleasing time spent watching it. It’s way too bad that there are not many other movies dealing with cars that can say that.

fastfurious
The Fast And The Furious Franchise



You care about these movies? Really?

Come on…Paul Walker is in three of the four; Vin Diesel is in two of them (and one more as a cameo). Those two names right there do not a good franchise make. These people are doing street racing and driving around in ass-ugly cars that are painted fifteen different colors, sound like the engine is about to fall out, have horrendous fluorescent lights glowing from underneath them, and have spoilers the size of the St. Louis arch. Those types of colors are just incredibly stupid looking and serve no purpose being on the road. Why the hell do you want to ride in a vehicle where you can’t even hear yourself speaking to someone in the passenger seat? I thought you didn’t want to hear any kind of engine noise from your car? At least that’s what I’ve always believed, and I have that same frame of mind for those big ass trucks that are loud as hell too but that’s not the topic at hand here.

Besides the fact that they are about retarded street racing; the films just aren’t any good either. The scripts almost sound like they were written by Helen Keller before she realized her potential. And sometimes you can have a shitty script if you have decent actors in that know how to act but that wasn’t really the case throughout any of these movies except for Cole Hauser in the second one. Tokyo Drift is just a complete and utter joke because making an entire one minute plus movie about drifting is just plain idiotic. I’m not quite sure I can bitch about these horrendous movies much more.

Oh wait wait…I almost forgot the brilliance that must be in the minds of those who name these movies. The second and third films can kind of be forgiven because they are awful…but from the first film (The Fast And The Furious) to the fourth film (Fast & Furious), all you change is taking out a couple “the”s and an ampersand? Get your uncreative shitty asses back into your closet. You are not allowed back into the light anymore.


cannonballrun
The Cannonball Run Franchise



A race across the country for money. That is essentially what we’re working with here as an overall plot. Right there would be a description for the first Cannonball Run. The second film is a race across the country for money with a kidnapping thrown into the middle of it. Not much variety, but it was unnecessary because it was the bevy of stars that were in both movies which made it so good. It may be corny and cheesy comedy, but it’s still some side-splitting stuff to be honest with you and I’d laugh at it just as much now as I did during my much younger days.

“Where’s he gonna sit? Where?”

One can say easily that The Cannonball Run series is about a car race across the country and that it shouldn’t be entertaining because it goes against everything else I talk about in this column. Sure that may sound true, but this is a franchise that did something to make the films more about just the race and more about who was cast and the lines they have to deliver. Tons of humor and a lot of small side plots keep these films overly funny and also do a damn good job of keeping things from getting stale. Scenes are split up between teams giving us five minutes here with one team and then five minutes there with another before bringing them all together for the grand finale that leads to hilarious outtakes during the credits.

Dom DeLuise, Bury Reynolds, Roger Moore, Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin, Jackie Chan, Jack Elam, Jamie Farr, Peter Fonda, Shirley MacLaine, Telly Savales, Farrah Fawcett, Marilu Henner, Tony Danza, Tim Conway, Sid Caesar, Richard Kiel, Don Knotts, Ricardo Montalban, Abe Vigoda, Jim Nabors, Frank Sinatra, and many more. That is the casting list spread throughout the two movies and I’ll let you know that it is almost next to impossible to find another franchise producing so much talent and having it together in one place. Let’s not forget some decent performances from NFL legends Joe Theismann and Terry Bradshaw including one of the greatest lines ever which comes from the first film, “I..can’t..see..shit, can YOU?”


speedzone
Speed Zone



It’s said that this is a sequel or possible third film in The Cannonball Run series, but I find that kind of hard to believe because besides a plot involving a cross country race then there is nothing in common. Yeah so maybe that is a hell of a big similarity, but you can’t even begin to throw Speed Zone into that franchise because it doesn’t fit whatsoever. The race is there but the comedy and star power is not. It’s not funny at all really and it just fails to deliver anything worthwhile and I think I figured out why.

The biggest issue here is that this is a movie that tried to play off a franchise, but be a little different, and they did it only five years after the last sequel. 1982 brought the first Cannonball Run while the sequel hit theatres in 1984. Five years after that comes a movie trying to be the same thing but with a different name and try to claim that they are a part of the same franchise. Let’s not forget that not a soul from either of the first two films even came close to sniffing role in Speed Zone and with good reason because the movie sucks. It’s a pathetic attempt at cashing in on something and failing miserably on every level.

John Candy, Joe Flaherty, Tim Matheson, and the Smothers Brothers are about all you’re going to get as far as big names here, but they couldn’t even attempt to save this train wreck…err car wreck.


daysofthunder
Days Of Thunder



Tom Cruise before he went totally psycho. He wants to be a NASCAR driver. It sucks. There really isn’t much else that needs to be said about it, but you should have been able to tell it sucks just by my short description of the plot.

NEXT!


cars
Cars



Oh my God how can I be so torn over this movie that is nothing but cars and NASCAR and trucks and all kinds of stuff like that? How? Because it’s Disney that’s how and we all know I have a giant crush (not something else you dirty-minded freaks) on all things Disney. Now I may not always love every single thing that comes from the Mouse, but usually there will be something that catches my eye or touches my soul and gets me to enjoy it…somewhat.

Pixar and Disney have done phenomenal jobs of producing movies that not only provide Disney magic but bring about the new edge of comedy and great storytelling that fit right in with Pixar’s brilliant animation. Cars is something that kind of intrigued me at first because of who was releasing it, but then it began to hit me that it was about the animated equivalent of NASCAR which turned me off almost immediately. But I was willing to give it a chance nonetheless. It did a decent job of delivering a pretty good story of self realization along with throwing in some funny jokes and scenes that made me laugh and kind of chuckle, but soon things got under my skin and I’ll tell you why.

Larry The Fucking Cable Guy. Even though my hatred for him will surely spew out a great deal more in future columns, let me fill you in on why he’s useless. He is not funny, he is white trash, he’s not funny, his jokes are stupid and pointless, he’s not funny, the fake country bumpkin crap is retarded, and did I mention he’s not funny? Everything about him is fake and here is proof in case you didn’t know. The guy’s real name is Daniel Lawrence Whitney and look hard white trash because here is your idol:



Yep, that’s your guy who stars as Tow Mater in Cars and continues to be annoying even by just hearing his voice with a fake accent. But there are other things about Cars that bug me like the story is kind of lame, the movie isn’t always entertaining, and never before have I hate Michael Keaton but his vocal performance here made me hate him for at least two hours. I can’t stand the “Ka-Chow” from Lightning McQueen. Ok…I’m done bitching. Lord knows by now that Cars aggravates the hell out of me but I’ll end up watching it at least once or twice this year.

Sad I know.



I’m going to steal a piece of renowned critic Roger Ebert’s 1989 review from Speed Zone to kind of sum up everything I feel about these types of movies.

Cars are not funny. Speeding cars are not funny. It is not funny when a car spins around and speeds in the other direction. It is not funny when a car flies through the air. It is not funny when a truck crashes into a car. It is not funny when cops chase speeding cars. It is not funny when cars crash through roadblocks.

None of those things are funny.

They have never been funny.

Not sure I could have said it any better then that. Sure there are occasional exceptions like The Cannonball Run series, but if you look into it, you’ll see that Ebert despised those films as well. I happen to like them and think they are quite funny but they don’t entertain me due to the race or any of the vehicles included in it. You could have put that cast into a convent and they would have been able to make people laugh their asses off. As for Cars, I love it one second and hate it for the next year but at least it was able to provide me with a little bit of fun and entertainment. The rest of these movies including the tons more I didn’t even touch upon are just downright ridiculous and anyone thinking of making another race or street car or NASCAR or whatever movie…do me and yourself a favor and think of something new to shoot like a flea circus or paint drying.

Now that I would pay money to see over Vin “I talk deep to try to be sexy” Diesel’s untalented self any day. Oh and tricked out Civics suck too!

See you next week pals and gals.