TNA iMPACT! Report for 04.09.2009

As a complete departure from the familiar, we have ourselves a Main Event Mafia in-ring interview to start us off. Sting wants to talk to Jarrett. Jarrett comes down. Stings wants to known why Jarrett’s been allowing Foley to run wild lately. Jarrett assures Sting he’s still in charge and thinks it’s just all been one big misunderstanding. Sting disagrees and wants JJ to prove he still runs shit. Sting wants Jarrett to prove it by booking Foley in a match tonight. Jarrett is upset Sting’s calling him out so Sting demands Jarrett make the match, because he said so. Steiner, channeling the toothless homeless man who shouts religious proverbs outside the Bay, tells Sting to back off Jeff. Stenier wants to talk to Jarrett one-on-one in the back.


The Motor City Machineguns have taking time off playing Resident Evil and Street Fighter to volunteer their services in the match with Foley. In a rare display of TNA continuity, Shelley is still pissed that Mick embarrassed him on Thanksgiving last year. Shelley is gold! After some more insinuation that Jarrett has no stroke whatsoever in the company, JJ makes a handicap match. It’s the MCMG vs. Foley in a handicap match.


Foley, backstage in Jeff’s office, is happy Jarrett’s finally taking control. He’s excited for the handicap match but wants to tweak it even further. This new, mentally ill, Foley is horrible.


Back from the break, JB is with both Jarrett and Foley. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen these two. Foley rambles again about “tweaking” his match. Jarrett doesn’t really care what Foley does anymore. JB wants to know if Jarrett is actually considering Steiner’s offer. At that moment, Steiner comes in a boots JB out.


Sheik Abdul Bashir (w/ No Limit and Kiyoshi) vs. TNA X-Division Champion Suicide

Suicide gets a headbutt after a lockup. Whip into the corner and Bashir walks into a hiptoss. Suicide dropkicks Bashir who decides to take a breather outside. Bashir hangs Suicide on the top rope and starts punching and kicking away. Forearm from Suicide and a clothesline in the corner. Suicide with an atomic drop and a leg drop. Suicide gets thrown headfirst into the turnbuckle and Bashir follows it up with a forearm to the back. Suicide falls to the outside and gets beat on by Bashir’s stable. A neckbreaker gets Bashir two. Bashir pounds Suicide down. Bashir with a sleeper. Suicide tries to fight out but gets clubbed on his back. Back suplex on Suicide and Bashir climbs. Suicide stops him and slams him down. Suicide with a clothesline and running knee to the gut. A fireman’s carry slam puts Bashir down. Suicide chases No Limit off the apron. He walks into a Styles Clash variation by Bashir for 2. Bashir gets the belt but runs into a boot. Kiyoshi sneaks into the ring and kicks Suicide in the back. Weapon of Mass Destruction onto the belt gets the three.

Winner – Sheik Abdul Bashir (*Eh. Bashir sucks and the match was short. Can’t go any higher than this)


The lights go out and when they come back on, Suicide is gone.


And for the worst thing I’ve perhaps seen in my life, TNA is exploiting the terrorist attack on the SS Cole to introduce a new wrestler. The best part is that he wants Rhino of all people to train him.


Backstage, the Beautiful People are beating the shit out of Raisha Saeed. They cut a single lock of her hair. Most importantly: Velvet Skye is back in them skirts.


A Rough Cut segment on the Team 3-D Training Academy.


Sting is having a sit-down interview with Mike Tenay. Without makeup, Sting looks like the Crypt Keeper. Sting was shocked Mick hit him with the chair as they’ve been close for 20 years. Sting thinks Mick hit him because he’s the TNA champ and Foley wants to start at the top. I don’t know what that means. Sting doesn’t want to speculate as to what Mick’s going to do next because he would have to be schizophrenic to put any reason. Sting has accepted the possibility that this may be his last match as his body can’t absorb the beatings it used to. He then goes on to recount the incident when Mick lost his ear. With that in mind, Sting is worried about his match at Lockdown.


Lauren is pissed off at Abyss because he let Dr. Stevie whupp on him. She wants to report Stevie to the Board of Health. Abyss thinks Lauren just doesn’t understand the relationship he has with her. Lauren says she’s going to the next session with Abyss.


Cheetah Mick’s atrocious music hits and he walks to the ring. Mick says although MCMG will push him to the limit, he still wants to tweak the match further. Mick wants a first blood match because Mick’s boys, Huey and Dewey, got their hair cut to look like the don himself, Alex Shelley. I guess there are worse reasons to want a match – I just haven’t heard it yet. Mick, obviously craving some guaranteed interference in his match, wants Sting and Jarrett at ringside for the match. After Foley finishes carving up Shelley’s face, no one will want to look like him again.


Booker T is all somber and serious after Joe kidnapped his wife. Joe’s apparently returned her but Book can’t get her to speak. Book promises to mess Joe up tonight. Angle says the match has nothing to do with the Lockdown Challenge, as Joe took it to far by messing with a man’s family. Angle will be at ringside with Book, in case Joe intends to continue his spree of attempted murder/kidnapping/implied rape. So why are we supposed to boo the guy who wants revenge for his wife’s kidnapping and hate the friend who wants to back him up?


On his way to the ring, Joe is intercepted by A.J. Styles who wants to accompany Joe to ring. Joe tells him to piss off.


Lethal Lockdown Challenge: Booker T (w/ Kurt Angle) vs. Samoa Joe


Joe now hails from the Nation of Violence. That’s the place with the amusement park, right? Joe comes in with punches while Book covers up. Joe blatantly chokes Booker. Book fights back with knees but gets laid out by an Enzuiguiri. Joe gets tripped up by Angle. Booker goes back to the knees which puts Joe down. Angle hands Booker a chair. AJ runs down and takes it away. He and Angle brawl on the floor. Booker goes for the Axe Kick but Joe counters with a powerslam for the 3. What?! Booker’s jobbing to a powerslam?


Winner – Samoa Joe (1/2* A punchy-kicky affair that didn’t last long and ended weird)


And we arrive on one of the bigger wastes of time in recent memory. Cody and O.D.B. go to Universal Studios.


Another Team 3-D Rough Cuts.


During the break, the Geritol Man himself Kevin Nash continued his seduction of the Survivor chick.


Alex Shelley thinks Mick Foley’s legacy has been inflated the same way legends tend to snowball. Shelley is so confident he puts up their IWGP Junior Tag Team titles. Sabin says they will win without a shadow of a doubt. Sabin said they will make a name for themselves on Foley.


Scott Steiner (w/ Kevin Nash) vs. James Storm (w/Robert Roode)

3-D are on commentary for this match. I have no real idea why these two are fighting each other but oh well. Steiner starts by clubbing away. Steiner with chops in the corner. Bodyslam puts Storm down for a minute. Storm slides between Steiner’s legs off the ropes and connects with a swinging neckbreaker. Cover gets two. Steiner catches Storm with the belly-to-belly. Storm ducks a clothesline but runs into a clubbing shot from Steiner. A clothesline sets up the Steiner flex elbowdrop. Steiner does some pushups. Storm starts coming back with punches but runs into a reverse STO. Cover gets two and a half. Steiner goes to the sleeper but Storm fights back. Storm hits Steiner with an enzuiguiri from the ring apron. Storm backstabber gets two and a half. Steiner runs into a boot but catches a Storm charge. Steiner goes for the STO again but Storm elbows out and hits a suplex. Storm warms up the Superkick but Nash hits Storm in the leg with a pipe. The ref calls for the bell. Steiner starts beating down Beer Money with the pipe. Nash, probably, should be helping him with the beatdown at this point but he’s too lazy to climb the ring steps. Team 3-D leave the broadcast table to make the save.

Winner – James Storm by DQ (*1/4 Was a slightly below average TV match. It looks like Steiner has a lot of trouble moving around these days)


Borash has some inside news on a former superstar defecting to TNA.


Angelina Love babbles on about their mission to rid TNA of ugly people. Tonight, they’re going to give Awesome Kong a long overdue makeover. Moving on…


TNA Women’s Champion Awesome Kong vs. Madison Rayne and Velvet Skye


Both girls start beating on Kong. The double team Kong and lay the stomps to her. Skye tries a DDT from the top rope but Kong grabs her by the throat. Skye elbows out and Kong walks into a flying dropkick. Kong bounces up and clotheslines the girls down. Kong goes for the Awesome Bomb but Rayne pushes them through and Skye lands on Kong for the two. Kong reverses the pin into one of her own for the three. Love joins the beatdown. As Love pulls out the scissors Taylor Wilde runs down for the save.


Winner – Awesome Kong (1/4* Terrible match)


JB wants to know what happened with Jarrett and Steiner earlier. Jarrett doesn’t want to talk about that. He says the fourth member of Jarrett’s lockdown team will be revealed and he will take on Kevin Nash for the tie-breaking Lockdown Challenge match.


Motor City Machine Guns vs. Mick Foley


The match starts with a sizeable Shelley chant. Mick throws Shelley to get out of a headlock and knocks him down with a shoulderblock. Mick starts choking Shelley across the middle rope. A Foley suplex is countered with a go-behind, so Foley gets rid of Shelley by throwing both of them through the ropes to the outside. Sabin nails Foley with a dropkick off the apron. The Guns hit a double suicide dive onto Foley. We come back with Foley back in control. Mick misses a charge and goes into the ring post. Sabin tags to Shelley and they double team Mick in the corner. Sabin hits a flying dropkick on Foley into a Shelley STO. MCMG blast Foley with the ASCS Rush. Sabin mocks Sting which brings him out of his chair. Sting Scorpion Death Drops Sabin onto the floor. In the ring, Mick gets the Double-Armed DDT. Foley applies Socko, which busts Shelley’s mouth. The ref goes to stop the match but Mick won’t let him. Foley follows Shelley to the floor and suplex Shelley. Mick takes the mic and says he promised blood and the little amount he’s extracted from Shelley is not good enough. Mick pulls out the barbwire bat and gently rests it on Shelley’s forehead. Sting takes the opportunity to crack Mick over the head with the bat. This bust Mick open.


Winners – Motor City Machineguns (** Foley might not be able to move, and his stamina is embarrassing but he still sells like a champ and can tell a decent enough story)


The show ends with a Sting Foley pull-apart brawl.

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