The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – February 1 1988
Man Scott, no Primetime rant? I remember you used to do them, i’d always come here and find out how long the match was because you time it, plus i like to hear your views on them. And since your cable company is taking it away at the end of April, Could you do one last rant of Primetime? thanks in advance, keep up the good work.
Sure, I rarely get feedback on what you guys like/dislike with the 24/7 rants so I kind of assumed that the general silence on Prime Time meant that people weren’t reading them. But to close out the series, here’s one final Prime Time Wrestling rant!
– Hosted byâ€¦Vince McMahon and Bobby Heenan? That ain’t right. They’re got a slightly bigger set than I’m used to as well.
– They discuss Royal Rumble from the previous night and we’re offâ€¦
Magnificent Muraco v. Sika
Nick Bockwinkel, on commentary, notes that Muraco’s increased size must mean he’s "pushing the iron". Are steroid needles made of iron now? By the way, whoever thought of putting Nick Bockwinkel, the guy who tells how to make a watch if you ask him for the time, on color commentary is asking for a new career. Sika was done with his run as Hulk Hogan’s opponent of the week and was just riding out the string as a jobber to the stars at this point. Sika throws chops in the corner to start, but Muraco comes back with the sunset flip out of the corner for two. Muraco goes to work on the leg and that’s nothing exciting. Speaking of not exciting, NICK BOCKWINKEL ON COLOR COMMENTARY. Sika headbutts Muraco down and chokes away on the ropes while Bockwinkel recaps the history of barefoot Samoans like the world’s most boring human Wikipedia. Muraco fights back and slugs away in the corner and Sika misses a terrible blind charge, allowing Muraco to finish with a falling knee to the head off the top at 8:23. Weak sauce, awesome finisher. Someone should swipe that one, it’s due for a comeback. 1/2*
King Harley Race v. Koko B. Ware
Hey, a clash of Hall of Fame wrestlers! Funny exchange between Gorilla and Brain here on commentary, as Gorilla notes that they should listen to Koko singing on "Piledriver" while he makes his entrance. Bobby listens and goes "Oh, that was really Koko singing?" Gorilla proudly replies "Yes it was!" and Brain continues "It’s just that he really stinks." Classic stuff. Koko works a headlock to start and dropkicks him down, but King headbutts him out of the ring. So for those keeping the spreadsheets updated on this stuff, steel plate in head > black jobber’s skull. Race tries a suplex back into the ring, but Koko falls on top for two. Then Race tries another headbutt and neither man budges. Hmm, I guess steel plate in head = black jobber’s skull. Koko punches him in the nose instead. Koko gets another dropkick for two, but Race headbutts him in the gut and hits a belly to belly for two. Butterfly suplex gets two. Gorilla actually makes a good point within kayfabe about that move, since physics would dictate that it’s pretty ludicrous: Race is not actually powering Koko over with the double-underhook, but rather it puts so much on the shoulders that you either go with the move or suffer two broken arms. See, I like when they used to explain things like that. Race goes to the chinlock and then tosses Koko to the ramp, but misses a headbutt and hits the wood instead. They slug it out on the ramp and Koko slams him out there, but Race comes back with a suplex on the ramp as I’m pretty sure we’ve exceeded the 10 count by about a minute. Koko with a sunset flip back into the ring for two, but Race pounds him down again. Koko comes back with a clothesline and they collide for the double KO, and we take a break. Back with Race hitting a neckbreaker and going up, but a headbutt misses and Koko gets two. Race comes back and drops an elbow for two and a knee for two, then tosses Koko as this has gotta be going to a draw given how long they’ve gone so far. King rams Koko into the bell (and it DINGS!) but Koko sends Race into the post. They fight on the apron and Koko brings Race back in before dropping fists on him. Race gets a suplex and drops an elbow for two, then follows with a necksnap on the top rope before going to a camel clutch. Could they BE any more obvious about stretching this out? Koko powers out, so Race rams him into the turnbuckles and follows with a backdrop suplex for two. Kneedrop gets two. Koko blocks Race’s attacks , but Race clotheslines him down for two. Koko with a small package for two. Race with his own for two. Koko bails to catch his breath, so Race follows him and hits him with the microphone while Heenan distracts the ref. Koko fights back in with an elbow off the top, but the bell rings for the draw at 23:00. This was pretty boring and didn’t particularly go anywhere. **1/2
– UPDATE! With Craig DeGeorge! Craig gives us the rundown on the upcoming Main Event show on NBC. This was quite the week for historic events, no?
Billy Jack Haynes v. Ron Bass
Joined in progress from Toronto with Haynes working on a headlock. Bass fights out, so Haynes gets a sunset flip for two. The crowd dubs Bass "Basshole", which is really funny and so obvious I’m surprised I’ve never heard a crowd use it before with him. Billy works on the arm, so Bass grabs the whip to entice him to stop. Haynes wins a slugfest and Bass backs off again. He comes back with a clothesline out of the corner and we get a weird sequence where Bass tries to toss him out but Haynes won’t take the bump, choosing to instead clothesline himself on the ropes. And he does this TWICE for some reason. Bass elbows him down and chokes away on the ropes. Finally Haynes allows himself to go out and Bass sends him shoulder-first into the post. Back in, Haynes makes the comeback and drops an elbow for two, but can’t hook the full nelson properly. Bass quickly makes the ropes and gets a cheapshot to the throat, then grabs the whip for the DQ at 8:39. Billy Jack was on the way out and you could tell he didn’t give a shit here. *1/2
Bad News Brown v. Brady Boone
This is Brown’s WWF debut on Superstars. Oddly enough, Brown is wearing white boots here, a strange look for him. Brown hammers away in the corner and drops a leg for one as Jesse and Vince have a bizarre conversation about Harlem and how Vincent J. McMahon was apparently born there. Really? Brown hammers away on the mat and MURDERS him with a lariat for the pin at 1:34. Primo somersault sell from Boone there, too. Now that was a squash! Brown was pretty terrifying to us teenaged marks back in the day.
– Continuing on from the same show, Hulk Hogan is interviewed by Craig DeGeorge, and he notes that unlike Andre, he’d never sell out. Hang on a secondâ€¦
So as I was saying, Hulk promises a win over Andre because he’s the better person and lets his Hulkamaniacs manage his finances. Maybe the Hulkamaniacs were acting as his divorce lawyer, too?
– And now, a special report on the condition of Matilda, who is apparently doing better, but the British Bulldogs note that sending in cards and letters can help her in her recuperation. Bobby Heenan goes off on a hilarious rant in response to this bullshit, about how stupid you have to be to write to a dog. THANK YOU.
– Let us take you back to the Royal Rumble in Hamilton, as Andre and Hulk sign the contract for their rematch.
Intercontinental title: Honky Tonk Man v. Ricky Steamboat
This is a lumberjack match from MSG. Your commentary team: Gorilla Monsoon, Lord Alfred Hayes and Duke Doherty. Seriously. Honky gets a cheapshot to start and tosses Ricky, but he skins the cat back in and dropkicks Honky to the floor. The faces toss him back in, so it’s out the other side and the heels gently lead him back in. Another trip to the floor and everyone brawls, and it’s back in for a chop from Steamboat and a faceplant. We take a break without warning, and return with Steamboat pounding away. He gets two and rams Honky into the turnbuckles ten times, then apparently enjoys it so much that he does it again. That gets two as Honky takes a great melodramatic bump. Honk gets a cheapshot and comes back with an elbowdrop, but Steamboat fights up. The Islanders trip Steamboat up and he takes a GREAT sympathy bump off that, but then George Steele trips up Honky and Steamboat rolls him up for two. What a great little sequence. Steamboat with a backdrop suplex for two and tries a monkey flip in the corner, but Honky blocks it and Steamboat takes another great bump off that. Boy, they’re both feeling it tonight. We take another break as Honky drops a fist off the middle rope and slugs away in the corner. Steamboat tries a charge and ends up taking a crazy bump over the top, and we get another lumberjack battle. Back in the ring, Honky with a neck vice, but he goes up and gets caught coming down. Steamboat fires away and catapults him into the corner, then goes up with the flying chop. The ref is distracted by Jimmy Hart, so George comes in and counts the pin himself. This obviously is too silly to stand, so Honky hits Steamboat with the megaphone and pins him to retain at 12:28. Man, they were just out there trying to one-up each other with crazy bumps for the whole match. Interesting chemistry here as well, as Honky is the world’s biggest heel and Steamboat is the world’s biggest babyface, and it always made for hot crowd reactions. ***1/4
– Dibiase and Andre wrap things up with the hard sell for The Main Event.
And that’s Prime Time Wrestling! Hope you enjoyed the rants on it that I was able to do.