I have had some epic internet problems. I had no internet connection for six days, so this Impact review has been festering on my computer. Hopefully it doesn’t happen again as I was going through crazy wireless withdrawal. Onto Impact.
The same old interview to start the show, this one featuring Jeff Jarrett. The crowd, I must say, is as rabid as I’ve heard it recently. He calls Mick Foley down, to present him with the TNA World Championship. With any luck, Foley’s title win will repel viewers, forcing TNA to start booking coherently. Although I think, at this point, they’ve forgotten how. Mick’s rocking a suit and his hair is quite permed. Mick somewhat sarcastically thanks the crowd and the cameraman. He promises the cameraman a job for life. Foley underhandedly and hilariously buries Sting, calling him an emotionally broken man after Lockdown. Seeing as how Foley has sent Sting into a semi-retirement, he wants the crowd to give Sting a round of applause. Jeff officially awards Mick the title. Jarrett says he never thought he and Foley would be in this position seeing as how Foley promised he only wanted an out-of-ring role. Jarrett books Mick in four-way match at Sacrifice. Alledgedly the other three opponents will have to sacrifice something if they lose. Foley wants to know who booked this match. So do I. Foley deduces that Jarrett must have booked it because he’s “peanut butter and jealous” that Foley is on top. So Foley books Jarrett in a Cactus Jack Smack Attack match where Foley gets to personally select the weapons at ringside. His opponent will be Scott Steiner. Foley will be giving colour commentary.
The crowd was hot for the opener. Let’s see how quickly TNA can kill the heat.
 Lauren is backstage to bear witness to the Beautiful People celebrating Angelina Love’s title win. They threaten to throw the biggest party with boys and booze.
Team 3D is with Don West. Bubba thanks Beer Money for bringing out the best in Team 3D. He calls them the future of tag team wrestling. 3D plans to breathe life into tag team wrestling by hosting a tag team invitational where the winners get a trophy, $100,000 and a title shot at 3D.
3D Tag Team Invitation Quarterfinals
 Beer Money vs. Lethal Consequences
 For the love of God please get Lethal and Creed some new gimmicks.
Storm beats on Lethal to start but is caught coming off the ropes with a hurricanrana. Lethal puts Storm back on his ass with a leg lariat. Tag to Creed. He and Lethal hit a clothesline and a dropkick on Storm in the corner. Springboard bulldog from Creed gets two. Storm punches Creed and tags out. Creed knocks Roode down with his ridiculous Shuck N Jive punches. Storm knees Creed in the back as he comes off the ropes. Lethal takes offense to this and “dives” onto Storm, coming up about six inches short. Creed backdrops Roode to floor and follows it up with a twisting tope. Lethal is apparently impersonating Scott Hall today as a close up camera shot reveals him to be quite hungover, if not still drunk. Creed suplexes Roode back into the ring for 2. Storm with a blind tag, and they hit a spinebuster/back stabber combo for 2. Roode tagged back in. Bodyslam/elbow drop/leg drop combo follows. Lethal breaks the pin at 2. Storm applies a reverse chinlock. Creed fights out and a double crossbody puts both men out. Hot tag to Lethal who flies in with clotheslines and forearms. Dropkick off the top puts Roode down. Pin gets two after Lethal moves, and Storm elbowdrops Roode. Creed randomly saunters in and hits Storm with an enziguiri. Suplex/flying cross body combo on Storm gets him out of the way. Lethal Combination on Roode gets 2 ¾. A handspring/back elbow from Lethal misses, enabling Storm to superkick him in the back of his head. DWI finishes it.
**1/4 – Your typical 5 minute Impact match. It’s mostly just a bunch of strung together spots with no rhyme, reason or story. Nethertheless, both teams are entertaining enough to watch.
Borash is backstage with the Mafia. Angle says the MEM beat themselves. Steiner takes responsibility for the loss because he was the one who tried to convince everyone else to trust Jarrett. Steiner stutters that their 20-year friendship is done after JJ took the side of those “young punks.”
It’s been so long since we’ve last seen Jarrett, let’s see what he’s up to. Jeff doesn’t care that Steiner’s pissed at him. Jarrett says he’ll side with the Frontline everyday of the week. He tells the MEM and Foley to kiss his ass. Eric Young interrupts and asks what he has to do to get a shot. Apparently beating Rocco should have opened up doors for EY. Jarrett’s got bigger issues than Young but if Young wants a chance to shine, he can tag up with Holliday in the tag tournament.
Quad tear alert. Kevin Nash is threatening to “wrestle” AJ tonight. If anyone can speed Nash up past the pace of fossilization it’s Young Styles.
“Cross the Line Cam” shows Foley leaving the arena after beating Sting. The next morning he puts his son on the bus and shows off his belt and stitches to the bus driver.
Lauren, backstage, asks Nash if ring rust will affect his performance against AJ later. Nash says Jenna whatever has kept him limber enough to compete. We all know that women can’t be in the same room for five minutes with getting catty so Sharmell and the Survivor chick start bickering. Why? Who knows. Book starts to trip while Nash chills everything out. Sharmell is “sick of this mess.”
Back to Foley, who decides to grace a deli with his presence. Foley makes the owner say he’s the first champ to ever come in. He then takes the phone from a girl in line and wants to be the first champion to talk to her husband. It’s actually some hilarious shit.
Back to f*cking Jarrett!!! You’ve got to be kidding me. AJ intrudes and apologizes for doubting him last week. Daniels butts in and says he owes Jarrett for life for re-hiring him.
Knockouts No. 1 Contender Ladder Match
Sojo Bolt vs. Taylor Wilde
Sojo’s weave is ridiculous. Whatever happened to Rhaka Khan, I miss her weekly barrage of botches. Hopefully Sojo can keep Rhaka’s spirit alive; she is more than capable.
Both women climb and trade shots at the top. Sojo’s the first to fall so she casually pushes over the ladder. Taylor lands on her feet. They brawl with punches and chops. Sojo folds up the ladder and props it in the corner. Whip is reversed, sending Bolt “crashing” into the ladder. Wilde tries climbing again but is stopped. Back body drop off the second rung leaves both ladies in AGONY. Bolt’s climb is stopped with an electric chair. Sojo slips on some brass knucks before both ladies try climbing again. After trading punches at the top, Bolt knocks Wilde off the ladder with the knucks and retrieves the contract.
½* – This may endure as the worst ladder match ever. I’m loaning it a quarter star based on the fact that a woman’s ladder match is unique. No let’s never do it again.
Once more we go back to Jarrett and I’m ready to turn this shit off. Slick Johnson comes in and tells Jarrett there’s a problem with his daughter. Sigh.
Velvet is in the ring to shill some trading cards, formally induct Madison Rayne into Mi Pi Sexy and introduce the new Knockouts champion, Angelina Love. Angelina thanks all the fans for supporting her despite going through hard times with all the burger joints going out of business. Heh. “They like me. They really like me!” Skye introduces the wackest male stippers of all time. Not that I’d know anything about that. They writhe around uncomfortably (one guy has multiple seizures) until Kong gets tired of this nonsense and Awesome Bombs one of the dancers.
 Mick Foley goes to see a blind masseuse and tries to rip her off with a one dollar bill. She sniffs it out, so he’s forced to give her a $100 bill.
Legends Championship: AJ Styles vs. Kevin Nash
Nash knees AJ and elbows him to the mat. Big Sleepy with some kneelifts in the corner. To mix things up, Nash hits some slow motion elbows in the corner with his Casey Jones elbow brace. AJ’s off the ropes with a low dropkick to Nash’s shin. Enziguiri to Nash’s back takes the big man down. AJ drops some elbows on Nash’s knee who, to his credit, sells like a champ. AJ gets kicked clear across the ring. AJ goes to the top rope but gets elbow off and onto the floor, hitting the apron on his way down. Ouch. Back in the ring, a sidewalk slam gets 2. Short-arm clothesline gets another 2. AJ slugs back but runs into a knee that sends him across the ring and nearly to the floor. AJ flies in with a springboard forearm. A dropkick to Nash’s chest as he struggles to his feet gets 2. AJ blocks the chokeslam and hits the Pele. Pin gets 2 and a half. AJ tries a springboard 450 but misses. Booker swaggers out with Sharmell, who looks quite recovered from her abduction and insinuated rape. Booker Axe Kick’s AJ. Nash goes for Jackknife powerbomb but the referee picks that moment to stop the match for Booker’s Axe Kick 15 seconds earlier.
 *1/4 – Both guys sold their asses off for one another, which brought this match into decent territory. I didn’t expect a Nash match to crack the one star mark but he did. I’m surprised – pleasantly so.
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No Limit vs. Jethro Holliday and Eric Young
Am I the only one who really dislikes Eric Young? To the point I want to turn the channel when I see him. By the way “Jethro” is Trevor Murdock. Can’t say I’m surprised to see him as he fits the bill of every TNA signee.
Young and Yujiro fight over an armbar. Young flips over the turnbuckle after a whip, slides through Yujiro’s legs and hits a dropkick. Pin gets a quick 2. Tag to Jethro who slows things down with a snap mare. Jethro comes off the ropes with a boot to Yujiro’s face. Elbowdrop gets just short of a 2 count. A Jethro backdrop is stopped by a Yujiro kick who ends up running smack into a full nelson slam. Cover gets 2 ½. Yujiro rakes the eyes and makes the tag. Naito comes in with a flying dropkick. Young meanders in without a tag and gets bodyslammed, legdropped and sentoned for his troubles. Naito backdrops Holliday for 2. Chinlock as Holliday valiantly tries fighting out. Yujiro takes the tag and goes up top after a body slam. He meets Jethro’s boot and Young gets the tag to clean house. A Young powerslam nearly draws the 3 count. Kiyoshi jumps on the apron to distract the ref. While Bashir holds back Young gets the Air Raid Crash on Holliday. Yujiro charges Young, misses and knocks Bashir from the apron. Young wraps him in a crucifix pin for the win.
 *1/4 – Eh. Nothing much to see here.
AJ Styles is chilling in the parking lot when Lauren tries to ask him about his match. AJ spots Joe, standing without real purpose and confronts him. AJ says they’re boys but Joe says all he’s got is his nation of violence.
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In Treatment with Stevie. Lauren asks Stevie if he got his Psycology diploma in ECW. Stevie doesn’t think any sort of paper on the wall would make him anymore capable of helping Chris. Stevie gets up, which causes Abyss to recoil. Stevie whispers to Lauren that he knows exactly where Abyss is coming from but Stevie needs Lauren’s help to heal him. He apologizes to Abyss for whupping his ass. Lauren reluctantly agrees to help.
Tenay sits down with Christopher Daniels. Daniels said that he and AJ both named their kids after each other and that he has no better friend than him. Tenay tells Daniels that he sees him as a wrestler on par with the Angles of the world and wants to know why the general public doesn’t. Daniels doesn’t really answer that question but says that his wife noticed Daniels was acting like he was bigger than the business – just like the Main Event Mafia. He says now is the time to prove to the world that he is on par with the Angles and Guerreros.
Foley is signing autographs at an airport, still carrying his TNA title on his shoulder. The metal detector goes off and he shows airport security his belt. I like swarmy Foley.
 Speaking of Foley, he ambles down to the announce table to call the next match.
 Cactus Jack Smack Attack
 Scott Steiner vs. Jeff Jarrett
Expect a silly match to go along with the silly name. Jarrett has evolved into this generation’s definitive overrated wrestler. He owns the company and still he’s the last person I ever want to see in a main event. Nash and Steiner included. Barely. But I guess there’s no real point in controlling a company if you can’t book yourself at the top of it.
Jarrett blasts Steiner with a Kendo stick a few times after an inverted atomic drop. He then finds a crutch which he rams into Steiner’s stomach. Clothesline over the top rope deposits Steiner on the floor. Jarrett hits Steiner of his back with a geriatric walker and follows it up with a gentle tap from a sign that says “Use Me.” A shot from a roadsign onto Steiner’s shoulder. Steiner whips Jarrett into the guardrail and bodyslams him to the floor. Steiner finds a pogo stick but is clotheslined off it while he’s bouncing on it. Steiner blocks a shot from a mailbox by kicking Jarrett in the gut. Steiner lightly hits Jarrett with a plastic Santa Claus. Steiner suplexes Jarrett onto a garbage can.
After the break, we’re back in the ring. Jarrett rams Steiner face first into a chair and then belts him with a garbage lid. Jarrett plants Steiner with a disjointed Double Armed DDT. Cover gets 2. Jarrett gets caught with a belly-to-belly and takes a lid shot. Steiner locks in a Recliner but Jarrett makes the ropes. Jarrett nails Steiner with the lid and rolls him up for 2. Another garbage can shot to Steiner’s head. A Stroke onto a chair is blocked by Steiner who simply knocks Jarrett’s head into it. Steiner puts a garbage can over Jarrett’s head and waffles it with a crutch. He goes for the Recliner again but Jarrett low-blows him and hits the Stroke. It only gets two. Jarrett grabs a chair and climbs but Steiner stops him a garbage can shot. Steiner meets Jarrett at the top and brings him down with a Samoan Drop. Pin nearly draws a three but Jarrett gets his shoulder up. Steiner Recliner again but Jarrett hits the Electric Chair. JJ finds his Gee-tar and blasts Steiner with it. The Stroke ends this thing.
 *1/2 – The Super Samoan Drop was cool and some of the weapons were creative. But, most of the weapon shots were gentle taps or complete misses. I would really prefer if Jarrett or Steiner didn’t wrestle for a while.
Angle comes down and hits the Angle Slam on Jarrett. He locks in the Ankle Lock while Steiner, recovered, puts JJ in the Recliner. Mick Foley leaves the broadcast table and clears out Steiner and Angle with a chair. And just for fun, he hits Jarrett with it.
Back from the break, Jarrett is mad and threatens to ram a pink slip up Foley’s ass. Bobby Lashley comes out and…well he just stands there for a bit. And we’re out.
