TNA iMPACT Report for 4.30.2009

Live-ish from the Impact Zone

 

Surprise, surprise, Impact begins with an in-ring interview. I have no way of knowing if I’m watching a replay until about five minutes into each show.

 

Kurt, the Godfather, vows revenge on Foley for hitting him with a chair last week. Kurt puts his spot up as Godfather of the main Event mafia for the Sacrifice main event.  Kurt threatens to go backstage and stage a hostile takeover on Mick’s office. He then offers a rose to Foley. Aw, Kurt.

In the back, JB wants to know what Foley thinks of Kurt coming to take over Mick’s office. Mick asks why. So do I. Jarrett comes in and says he wants to beat Foley but won’t. Jeff’s such a chump. Foley wants Jarrett to have his back when Angle comes back to commandeer his office. Jarrett won’t do it.

 

We’re back to Kurt. Again. He starts blathering on about everything we just heard two minutes ago: Sacrifice, taking Foley’s office, etc. Steiner is still mad at Jarrett. Kurt wants Steiner to wait until after Jarrett allows Angle into the Sacrifice main event to kill him. Steiner agrees.

 

3D TAG TEAM INVITATIONAL

Motor City Machine Guns vs. Amazing Red and Suicide (X-Division Champion)

 

Shelley starts by knocking Red down with a shoulderblock. A flippy, counter sequence ends in a Red springboard armdrag. Shelley tries for a couple pins which Red escapes before kicking Shelley in the face. Shelley counters a horrid looking flying headscissors by tying Red into a pretzel or something. Sabin tags in and poses with his foot on the prone Red’s ass. Heh. Red catches Sabin in a long spinning headscissors and tags in Suicide. Suicide with some headbutts, an atomic drop and a legdrop. Suicide press slams Sabin and Red comes in so Suicide can press slam him onto Sabin. It get two. Sabin reverses a whip in the corner but his charge meets turnbuckle. Red charges but is lifted and dropped onto the top turnbuckle. Both Shelly and Sabin hit him with double kicks. Tag to Shelley. The Guns double hip toss Red clear across the f*cking ring. Shelley hangs Red in the Tree of Woe and stomps on his crotch. Sabin tags in and the Guns double dropkick the helpless Red. Suicide breaks up the pin. Sabin slows things down momentarily with an octopus Abdominal Stretch. Tag to Shelley but both Guns run into boot. Red rolls over Sabin’s back and kicks Shelley. A Sabin tilt-a-whirl attempted is countered into a lightning quick Russian Legsweep. Hot tag to Suicide who cleans house. Suicide with a rolling fireman’s slam and poses, looking Suicidal. Suicide tries to ram Sabin’s head into the middle turnbuckle but it’s blocked. Suicide flips out of a back suplex and eats two kicks before Shelley hits Sliced Bread #2. Suicide kicks out at two. Sabin springs off Shelley’s back and kicks Red down on the apron. ASCS Rush is interrupted when Red enters the ring with a superkick to Shelley’s face. Red’s hurricanrana on Sabin sends him to the floor. A Suicide-assisted Code Red puts Shelley . down. Red jumps onto Sabin with a spinning plancha. The Suicide Solution gets the three.

Winners: The Amazing Red and Suicide (**3/4 – They got longer than they usually do but I am hoping one of these days TNA will scrap just one Main Event Mafia interview and devote the extra time to match like this.)

 

Backstage, Lauren doesn’t think Madison Rayne stands a chance against Awesome Kong in a stretcher match. Angelina says she’s not scared of Kong and actually welcomes a stretcher match. I’d like to stretch her out all right. Thumbs up. Rayne, however, is terrified.

 

Backstage, Lauren is reaming Abyss out because he’s let Stevie put him in a match where his opponent can use weapons but Abyss can’t. Abyss says Stevie’s thinking is that if he gets hit with enough weapons he’ll be too scared to use them again. Cody Deaner comes through and starts trash talking. He thinks Abyss is scared of him. Abyss loses his shit and lifts Cody by his shirt, growling unintelligible nonsense.

 

Foley goes to enlist the help of the Motor City Machine Guns. He needs some guys with “pizzaz” and “spunk” to watch his back. Shelley thinks Foley wanting spunk is gross and inappropriate. Heh. Sabin says they have problems of their own – namely Suicide. Shelley wants to know who Suicide is. Foley tells them it’s Al Snow. They agree to help Foley if he can come up with definitive proof as to who Suicide is.

 

 

3D TAG TEAM INVITATIONAL

LAX vs. The British Invasion

 

LAX’s music cues but they are nowhere to be found. It appears Hernandez has been beaten unconscious by the blokes backstage. They even go so far as to steal his briefcase. Homicide will go at it alone.

 

He comes out and beats down Rob Terry with the briefcase. Homicide flies out with a Tope Con Hilo as the British are re-grouping outside. Back in the ring, Homicide hits a spinning neckbreaker on Williams. Homicide runs into boot and gets caught with a back elbow. Magnus tags in but runs into a back elbow. Williams enters the ring without a tag and they double team Homicide for a instant before Homicide hits both with a double flying dropkick. A distraction from Williams allows Magnus to clothesline Homicide down. Magnus lays some gentle boots and tags in Williams. Williams connects with a running knee to the face and a suplex. It gets two. Magnus tags back in and they hit a double neckbreaker variation. Cover gets one. Magnus with a standing powerslam but misses a splash from the top. Williams takes a tag but runs into an overhead suplex. Magnus comes in a gets DDTed. Gringo Cutter on Williams! Terry interferes allowing the Williams to hit a spinning back elbow from the top rope. Pin gets the three.

 

Winners: The British Invasion (*3/4 – The match was pretty good, per se but for some reason I just wasn’t all that into it.)

 

Stretcher Match

Madison Rayne w/The Beautiful People vs. Awesome Kong w/Raisha Saeed

Kong comes to the ring carrying the Angelina trading card. Rayne is terrified. For whatever reason, the winner has to fasten the loser onto the stretcher for 10 seconds. The Beautiful People are sent to the back by the referee.

 

Kong immediately goes to work in the ring. She clubs on Rayne and plants her with a vicious chokeslam. A short-arm clothesline hits and Rayne is already dead. Kong tosses Rayne on the stretcher but not happy with the beating thus far, picks her up. Implant Buster and Rayne is back on the stretcher. Again, Kong picks her up and Awesome Bombs the shit out of her. Kong again deems the beating insufficient and Awesome Bombs Rayne again. Rayne is dead and takes the ten count on the stretcher.

Winner: Awesome Kong (*1/2 An extra star for the brutality in which Kong dispatched the young maiden)

The Motor City Machine Guns come to the ring and call out Christopher Daniels or Suicide or “whatever you want to call yourself.” Daniels comes down and Shelley rips him for languishing in “indy purgatory” in BFW halls for pizza and Japanese wrestling shirts, begging TNA for his job back. Shelley is f*cking hilarious. I love this guy. Sabin asks why Daniels and Suicide have the exact same build (ass included) and moveset in the ring. Sabin accuses Daniels of using a loophole to getting re-hired and stealing Shelley’s title. He demands Daniels admit that he is Suicide. The best part of this show comes when Sabin thrusts the microphone hard into Daniels’ chest and Shelley informs Sabin that Daniels already has a mic. “I just wanted to hit him.” Daniels doesn’t think he owes either of them an explanation. All Daniels wants to do is wrestle. He doesn’t care who Suicide is. They keep pressuring Daniels so he kicks their ass. The Guns scurry out of the ring as Daniels goes up for the Best Moonsault Ever.

 

Backstage, Foley tries to enlist Samoa Joe’s help against Angle. Foley thinks Joe might owe him after all Foley’s talked Joe up during his indy days. Joe, catching sight of the hot dog vendor, walks off without answering.

 

Cody Deaner (w/ ODB) vs. Abyss

So the sticking point in this match is that Deaner can use weapons but Abyss can’t. Cody blasts Abyss with a cookie sheet but Abyss doesn’t flinch. A shot with a trash can lid draws blood on Abyss but he still doesn’t register the shot. Abyss simply takes Cody’s kendo stick, thinks about hitting him with it but slaps him down instead. Deaner spits whiskey in Abyss’ eyes and beats him with more weapons while Abyss is blinded. A chair shot finally puts Abyss down as Cody celebrates. Cody pulls a wrench from his fanny pack but runs right into an obscene Black Hole Slam for the three count.

 

Winner: Abyss (1/2* – Abyss will retire with brain damage. There is no doubt in my mind.)

 

Lauren asks Daffney about Dr. Stevie. Daffney says he’s the best psychiatrist she’s ever been to. Daffney says she and Lauren have something in common. Lauren assumes Daffney thinks Abyss wants her. Daffney simply walks off laughing.

 

JB is backstage with Kevin Nash and Booker T. Naturally, with these two main eventing the show, JB asks them about their feuding women. Mayhem ensues after Sharmell calls Jenna a pit bull. Angle shows up and chills everything out as Booker garbles the English language.

 

Matt Morgan comes out and tells everyone to shut up because he has an announcement. He offers his services to the Main Event Mafia. This bodes ill. Morgan comes up with the worst bluff since Gobius Industries’ coffee shop proposal, by saying his offer is for a limited time only. This is about as exciting as Horace Hogan joining the NWO.

 

Backstage, AJ Styles says Joe is a different person since he got traumed by the Mafia. AJ says he and Joe will have problems if he pulls any of his bullshit tonight.

 

Rhyno is training the Marine to be a mediocre power wrestler. The poor kid pleads for a different trainer with his eyes.

 

Kevin Nash and Booker T vs. Samoa Joe and AJ Styles

Apparently, Joe has passed out in a diabetic coma somewhere in the back, so AJ’s riding solo. Booker and AJ fight over the arm for bit before Booker knees AJ’s gut. AJ with a dropkick after a criss-cross sequence. Pin gets one. Big Sleepy gets tagged in and immediately gets worked over in the corner. Nash reverses a whip but the follow-up elbow meets turnbuckle. AJ’s sunset flip back into the ring is reversed into an I don’t know what. Nash brings the knees and elbows to AJ in the corner. AJ locks in a sleeper but Nash rams him into the corner to break. Booker tags in and knees AJ down. Nash back in but AJ fights off their double team, eventually dumping Booker to the floor. AJ drops the springboard elbow on Nash. The fight spills to the floor as a split screen shows us Bobby Lashley WALKING! AJ flies out onto Book and Nash with a slingshot plancha. Samoa Joe casually wanders out.

 

We come back from the break with Booker in control of AJ. We are shown a Joe/Styles pushing match that occurred during the commercial. Joe runs into the ring and starts cleaning house. Booker takes the same powerslam he jobbed out to a couple weeks back. Joe and Kevin take their fight to the floor as Morasco climbs up onto the apron.Sharmell slides Booker the Legends Title. He blasts AJ over the head with it and picks up the pin.

 

Winners: Booker T and Kevin Nash (3/4* – It’s quite obvious Nash can’t go anymore and Booker barely gives a shit. I guess Joe and AJ are going to have a match against each. I guess you can’t go wrong there)

 

Foley, with his belt propped up on full display, is entreating an off-screen person, someone who’s main evented Wrestlemania, to help him beat up Angle. He says he could do it on any other day but today because of his stitches. He tells the Off-screen Persona to hide in the closet and jump out when Foley gives him the keyword.

 

The Main Event Office Takeover

Angle busts in and Foley tries to hold him off by saying he’s in the process of signing a huge superstar. Foley tries to get whoever he was talking to before the break to come out. Whoever it is misses their cue and Kurt starts choking Foley. Kurt lets Foley go and starts screaming. Foley wants to know if Kurt will forgive his grudge if Kurt can hit Foley with a chair. Kurt agrees but they can’t find a chair so Foley suggest Jarrett’s guitar. Kurt only gets one shot and he has to stay away from Mick’s hurt eye. Foley changes his mind and says he can have a steel chair delivered to the office in 30 seconds for Kurt to hit him with. When Kurt looks away, Foley blasts him with the phone. Foley gets Socko from a cabinet and jams it in Kurt’s mouth. The lights go out and someone gets cracked with a chair. The lights come back on to reveal Sting. There are maybe three or four cheers in the half-asleep crowd.

 

Well, I guess the string of half-decent Impacts has come to screeching halt. The matches were good (aside from the Main Event) but the backstage interviews are getting out of control. The Office Takeover was one of the most perplexing ways I’ve ever seen a company end their show. At least the Motor City Machine Guns got some time to shine. Nevertheless, this Foley stuff is killing me.