Junk News, Huzzah!

I’m back again. Matthew Michaels asked me to write a bi-weekly or weekly column, and I said sure. I don’t know why. I honestly can’t remember the last time someone had something nice to say about me on the Internet. I’m close to decade mark since my first column and I’m shocked to discover my writing jokes and stories about wrestling hasn’t resulted in making me a multi-millionaire.

What do I like about wrestling? Umm… I like John Morrison. I like Chris Jericho. I’m enjoying almost all of Smackdown. I think Pretty Ricky is the most racist thing I’ve ever seen. I know Dave Chappelle did the same thing on his show, but somehow it’s so much more racist when it’s produced by Vince McMahon. I’m enjoying the guest host thing on Raw. I really liked Santino, now I despise him. I don’t particularly care for MVP or Jack Swagger. I like Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne and Mark Henry from Raw. That’s pretty much all I like about that show. Really, John Cena and Batista and The Big Show and Randy Orton and Triple H… it’s enough. One of them should have been injured and retired by now. I think on ECW I like Sheamus. That’s pretty much it. I don’t watch TNA anymore except for the PPVs, but don’t worry, I read enough about it to have a conversation.

So, let’s do this again. Always repeating. Always rinse and repeat.

Junk News, Huzzah!

Bobby Lashley has returned to TNA and in previews he’s being referred to as “The God of Thunder”. Yeah, cause that’s what the kids are into. Greek mythology.

He does kinda look like Zeus from No Holds Barred.

Bobby Lashley was a terrible wrestler who cut horrible promos and roided his brains out. He almost single handedly ruined the new ECW. We almost got rid of him and then the morons at TNA probably offered him $400,000 a year for 4 days of a work a month. In the process they probably destroyed any chance of him going to UFC for a few years. I guess that’s just par for the course with TNA’s new motto: All Shall Suffer.

Speaking of TNA, hey Jeff Jarrett, DICK IN PANTS! Jesus. I mean, what the hell? Kurt Angle’s wife? All of the women in Orlando or Memphis or wherever it is you’re from and you pick your star attraction’s wife? I know you’re sad and all, Kurt probably deserved it, but that’s terrible business. Also, guys who sleep with other wrestlers’ wives wind up killing their families and themselves. Don’t do it Jeff. There’s been enough tragedy.

You remember those sad videos TNA showed about Jeff Jarrett being alone and raising his two kids after his wife died? He was having sex with a married woman as they showed those videos. Sicko.

Jenna Morasca wrote a myspace blog defending her wrestling match versus Sharmell, saying it was meant to be entertaining. “I am freaking proud of myself, I had fun, thought it looked good, and no one got hurt. Last I heard some people crying about wrestling should be reserved for ‘legit’ wrestlers and ‘legit’ matches. I have to say to that- PILLOW FIGHT MATCH. I have seen matches where literally all the girls were doing was hitting each other with pillows in lingerie. At least I was doing a cross body, splash, etc.”

Damn right. Way to go Jenna. People can say whatever they want, but at the end of the day you were offered a job and accepted and delivered on it. I’ll admit I thought it was kinda weird how you pinned Sharmell with your pussy in her face but at the end of the day that was your choice. As someone who has seen your nipples and a bit of your bush I’m proud to say that you did exactly as well as you possibly could have in your match. And to anyone who complains about the people who were left off the card so that Jenna could do her stripper crawl into the ring, you spent far more time watching Matt Morgan who was just as bad but he’s the future of TNA. So Jenna, girlfriend, you be proud of yourself. Everyone at Inside Pulse is proud of you. Especially PK.

Next week Jeremy Piven is going to be the guest host of Raw. I’m sure Hornswoggle and Chavo will have a hug it out match or something equally lazily written and retarded.

After Raw on Monday the wrestlers had a birthday party for Triple H. He tried to escape through the crowd but was brought back into the ring by other wrestlers, each holding a small cake. Vince McMahon came out and Triple H covered him in cake and rolled around with him. Then Batista came out and tried to hit Triple H in the face with a cake, but Triple H ducked and Batista hit the Big Show with cake. Enraged and humiliated, the Big Show grabbed Batista by the throat and started to choke him. Batista laughed at first but soon realized the Big Show was not messing around as he gasped for air. It took the other wrestlers a few moments to see that the Big Show was not joking but once they did they leapt on him to restrain him. Big Show threw off the other wrestlers like they were nothing, which was fine until The Brian Kendrick was thrown over the turnbuckles, striking his head against the steel post. Knocked unconscious, he feel to the ground head first immediately breaking his neck. Then everyone started throwing cake at one another as a huge, gay food fight broke out.

Speaking of Batista, his new 3 disc DVD is coming out. 3 discs of Batista’s best matches. I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m not sure 3 discs are warranted. Maybe 2 with padding. Maybe.

Meanwhile, I can’t wait to see how he handles that King Booker fight where Booker kicked the crap out of him. I heard that Batista had to offer Booker a bj before Booker would stop beating him.

Our national nightmare is over. Terry and Linda Bollea have finalized their divorce. Linda celebrated with an 18 year old… bottle of scotch. Then her 18 year old boyfriend came home and boned her in the bed Hulk Hogan specially ordered for his back.

Hogan is thrilled to be free to continue to have sex with women who look eerily like his daughter.

Hulk Hogan has been in the news lately, talking about how he’s ready for one final run and the crowd are clamoring for it and do you guys have a quarter? Hulk Hogan just needs some change for bus fare. Hey Vince! Vince, Hulk can see you! He’s the one being restrained by your bodyguards! Come on Vince, look at him! Don’t just walk by him… COME ON! VINCE! VINCE! Damnit.

The guys on Around the Horn were pretty cool about Shaq appearing on Raw but everyone else on ESPN was being kinda a dick. They called the writing on Raw lazy, saying they ripped off an old ESPN commercial of Shaq playing Scrabble and having extra Qs. They also said that the main event picture has been stale for some time on Raw and it is time for MVP to be elevated to main event status as well as possibly Carlito. “Carlito is often overlooked, but he has spent a very long time in the midcard and always delivers a few memorable spots. Also, what is Chris Masters doing back when he is a subpar wrestler who has clearly once again been abusing steroids? Don’t those guys go to TNA?” said ESPN.

Ezekiel Jackson recently tweeted that he didn’t think it was okay for “old dudes” to hang around the sauna at the gym. Old dudes replied by taking off their towels and getting way too close to Ezekiel Jackson as they told him about their grandkids.

There’s too much twitter going on these days. Taylor Rekes has 664 followers. Who gives a crap about what Taylor Rekes has to say? I just read what he has to say. He has NOTHING to say. God! Why are people allowed to do things?

Also in ECW news, last night Christian fought Zach Ryder in the main event. Zach Ryder in his wrestlecrap tights with his wrestlecrap catchphrases which started out as a joke. And he’s making it not only work, he’s becoming a star. As someone who has seen his autographed picture in a Glen Clove pizza parlor, I feel like he’s my best friend and I’m so proud of him. I love you Zach Ryder. I love you so much. I am here for you.

Let’s spoil Smackdown and then come back next week.

It opens with new champion Jeff Hardy coming out and cutting a promo about how much he likes being champion. “A lot of people didn’t think I could do it, but I did it, and now I’m a champion. That means I get to walk around with this belt. Look at how shiny my belt is. Yay! I’m the champion!”

Cryme Tyme comes out and dances romantically with Jeff Hardy for a bit. Then they fight the Hart Dynasty for a shot versus The Big Show and Jericho at Summerslam. I lyke how the i can be replaced by a y. Yt remynds me of how they uzed to replace the s wyth a z. Y don’t know how they manage to remayn zo cuttyng edge and hyp.

Eve and Layla fight the incredible Michelle McCool and Layla in a New Hampshire street fight ass eating dance off.

CM Pink (HA! Nailed ya.) cuts an interview about how everyone should be straight edge. Except me. I’m still allowed to sniff ether. You think any sponsors have called Vince yet and been all, “Hey. Why is the drug free guy the bad guy for not doing drugs? Shouldn’t he be the good guy for not doing drugs?”

The match we’ve all been waiting for finally takes place as Rey Mysterio and Finlay join their power together to fight Dolph Ziggler and Mike Knox in a best of five falls match. Mysterio takes the first fall, Ziggler the second, Knox the third, Mysterio the fourth, and we join the match in progress for the fifth and deciding fall.

Jeff Hardy defends the world title versus Johnny Nitro. Will he become the first Tough Enough contestant to hold a world title? More importantly, will he be able to continue to dodge the brain cancer which seeks out Tough Enough contestants? Tune in to find out!

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