Junk News, Huzzah!

DSketch is horrible. HORRIBLE. Just… I don’t know if I can put it into words. You have an older “cool guy” in your town? He used to be really funny and score all the time? Then he found out he had a 7 year old kid and started taking him everywhere, and every time he made a joke it was for the 7 year old? And now he was the super corny guy who used to be cool but still thought he was cool so he tried to command the same amount of attention he was used to? That’s DX. Old, super corny, spotlight hogs. Also, every time I look at Shawn Michaels’ eyes I’m shocked they let him in the ring. The guy is obviously seriously brain damaged.

Seriously. When Shawn Michaels dies in the middle of the ring, Vince and Hunter are going to say that no one could see this brain injury coming. Well I just did, so shut up.

“Me and the cacti are gettin acquainted out here on the 15. Ooh look – a tumble weed!” Ooh look – a douchebag named Tyler Reks twittering about NOTHING! You know, maybe I’m wrong about this wrestling surfer. Maybe he’s not the worst human being on the planet. But I think we can all agree he would make the perfect human toilet, as all would enjoy pissing and crapping in his mouth till he exploded from the amount of human waste inside him.

The PWI 500 came out a little while ago, and whoever’s job it is at TNA to pay off the editors of PWI must have forgotten to send the check this year. TNA had only 3 wrestlers in the top 20 with Sting being the highest ranked at 9. I can’t believe they would have the nerve to do that. I mean, Sting is worse than nut sweat.

I have an idea! Just to shake things up a bit, lets pick a number below 100 out of a hat and find out as much as we can about that wrestler. I think that any little publicity helps, and it would be an honor to give an up and coming wrestler a little plug. Let’s see… 154! Okay! So prepare for a little description of number 154, the up and coming pro wrestler… Tyler Reks. Great. Okay. Hey, I made a promise, let’s do this.

Tyler Reks was born to a hermaphrodite mother/father named Horatio. Mocked for his strange family, Tyler Reks grew dreadlocks and took up surfing because he was a natural douchebag. His favorite song is The Macarena and he loves sexually molesting animals. His best match… oh, my apologies. He has yet to have a good match. He loves to twitter about flying on planes and cacti, and seems to be married. His wife is probably a much older, gigantically fat former prostitute with no other options and probably not all her limbs. Tyler Reks has said that if he enjoys one thing in this life, it’s when people who recognize him spit on him, so you know what to do if you ever see Tyler Reks.

Shockwave The Robot came in at 500. You can see his devotion to Christ here. So that’s what it has come to. I’m writing for free about a grown man who dresses up like a robot and break dances and wrestles and believes in Jesus as his savior. Well.

Floyd Mayweather hosted just an awful Raw on Monday night a few scant hours after shooting 8 people.

Big fun during Raw as future TNA star Carlito was knocked out by Vince McMahon in another of the hilarious DX comedy sketches. Vince McMahon then pinned WWE champion Randy Orton. Then Vince bitch slapped the Undertaker, who ran away crying and screaming. “I’m 64,” Vince said like Molly Shannon. “64 years old!”

Speaking of The Undertaker, Smackdown has been an amazing mix of adult promos, well developed feud, built up young stars and excellent matches and now Undertaker’s back and it doesn’t look like they’re just dumping him in the Kane-Khali thing so he gets to no sell for all of the new stars! Yay!

Ultra conservative Joey Styles defended the WWE Divas against derogatory comments by guitarist Slash. He wrote something about how the Divas and sexy, smart and powerful, except for the ones who had abortions. They’re hell bound whores. He then went on about how Obama’s health care plan would cause old people to have their dicks cut off or their vaginas mutilated. Then, just cause he can, he had JBL make and bring him a sandwich.

HUGE NEWS! WWE developmental Diva Liviana was charged with a DUI a few weeks ago. How will this affect her appearing in bikini contests in FPW or whatever it’s called? Tune in and find out!

Samoa Joe gave an interview to Penthouse magazine where he talked about pranks that wrestlers play on one another. When asked if he’d ever had a prank played on him, he responded, “I think so. I was one of the top wrestlers in TNA and then one of the creative members said it would be badass if I got a face tattoo and walked around with a big knife. Then after beating up my enemies for a few months, the same creative guy told me I should turn and work for them. Then they suggested I job a lot and return to a subsection of the company. I’m reasonably sure I’m being ribbed.”

Jeremy Borash ripped WWE for airing a Rise and Fall of WCW commercial right after showing the horrible Hornswoggle vs. Chavo match. Then he remembered the face of his promotion recently got caught with HGH and Cody Deaner claims to be the women’s champion and Matt Morgan was wrestling in main events and shut up.

You know what? I’m gonna take a moment and help TNA. I’m feeling charitable.

1. Alex Shelley is Chris Jericho. NO! Don’t dispute this, don’t talk about his attitude backstage. I don’t care. Alex Shelley can cut an effortless promo and wrestle. That is very rare. He is your Chris Jericho and gets pushed into the main event. I don’t particularly care what happens to Chris Sabin.
2. Samoa Joe is your Stone Cold. Or was. I don’t know if you can build him up after what you did to him, but he should have been and should be the focal point of your company. Give him a make up white, get that silly tattoo off his face and let him go back to making your company money.
3. James Storm, Robert Roode or Hernandez should be world champion now. The hardcore fans who follow your product have associated all of your world champions with another company. Only AJ Styles and Abyss were creations of TNA, and Abyss won the world title on a fluke. You need to create your own history using your own stars, and having wrestlers be the representative for the company who don’t suck that we associate with being TNA originals is essential.
4. No more D-List celebrities. It seriously harms the product.
5. Matt Morgan is not great at cutting a promo. He is not too impressive in the ring. He is booked to look like a moron, which he probably is in real life. Why would you reward him with a main event push? What kind of message does that send to the other wrestlers? I bet he’s a real sweetheart backstage who tries very hard. You need to reward people on talent in the ring and on the microphone.
6. Recognize opportunities to make history. If Kevin Nash or Booker T become a world champion, you can say you have the only person to hold a world title in WCW, WWE and TNA. I don’t know why you would have either of these wrestlers and not want to create history.
7. Kurt Angle should not have been driving around with HGH in his car. I understand that you’re afraid if you take the title off him he’ll leave you, if you don’t do everything to support him now that your star will go to Japan or quit the business. Up until this point, every steroid related death in pro wrestling was the fault of Vince McMahon encouraging and participating in that culture in the 80s. But now that a wrestler in your company has been caught using steroids and you’ve done nothing, the blame for wrestlers who use steroids and die after working for your company will fall at your doorstep. The shell of Kurt Angle is not worth the ghosts.
8. Don’t be afraid to let everyone drop a catchphrase. Wrestling isn’t art. It’s there to make money. People with catchphrases will make far more money than people without them. I can’t think of an Abyss catchphrase. None for Eric Young. None for Samoa Joe. Holy crap! He can just say, “Joe’s gonna kill you.” How hard is that? Give the fans something to chant along and I swear to you, they will. They’ve been parroting the Miz’s “I’M THE MIZ AND I’M AWESOME” despite it being a really crappy catchphrase. They do this because it’s fun to participate. WWE has been getting away from this, it’s time for you to pick it up and run with it. This, more than any other point here, will take you to the next level. Just write it and repeat it over and over.
9. Finally, have fun with it! You have a lot of young great wrestlers. You have most of the best women’s wrestlers in the world. You have a solid core of veterans, a few home grown stars and a lot of tag teams. There is no reason your show should be unwatchable.

Well, that took longer than I thought. You don’t need Paul Heyman. You just need some really basic principles in place. Now, let’s spoil Smackdown.

Jeff Hardy and CM Punk start out the show by cutting a promo about how hurt they both are from the TLC match. CM Punk challenges Jeff Hardy to a loser leaves WWE match. Hardy accepts, saying, “Yeah, sure, I was going to leave anyway. The timing of this match is almost perfect. You know what? I might just throw it so I can leave.”

Teddy Long comes out and announces that the winner of the steel cage loser leaves town match will fight Undertaker at a submission match at Breaking Point. John Morrison responded, “Well! So much for that push.”

JoMo and MaHa fight HaDy in a TaTe match.

Drew McIntrye comes out, attacks R Truth, cuts a promo and leaves. No word on what’s in the promo, but my guess is he has a gimmick about how much he hates black people and keeps tossing the c word around.

Melina whines about Dolph Ziggler. Maria silences her with a kiss. Neither can believe what just happened, the passion flowing through them both drives them over the edge. Taking Melina’s vag in her hand, Maria jumps up and down with glee. She finally knows her place in the world, and though it might be as the face that Melina will do her splits onto, thank God it’s not as CM Punk’s cum rag. That guy was so annoying. “Sorry baby, I don’t go to bars. I go to straight edge websites and post in the forums about how I don’t go to bars.” What a tool.

Melina fights Layla and assaults Michelle McCool, who was on crutches. Undertaker comes roaring out of the locker room and demands that Melina be fired.

Josh Matthews interviews Mike Knox, but their talk is interrupted by Finlay. Finlay wants to know why Knox attacked him last week. Knox silences him with a kiss. Neither can believe what just happened, the passion flowing through them both drives them over the edge. Taking Knox’s dick in his hand, Finlay jumps up and down with glee. He finally knows his place in the world, and though it might be as the face Knox will do his splits onto, thank God it’s not as CM Punk’s cum rag. That guy was so annoying. “Sorry baby, I don’t go to bars. I go to straight edge websites and post in the forums about how I don’t go to bars.” What a tool.

Jericho was supposed to fight Shad in a one on one match but nobody wants Shad to wrestle by himself cause he doesn’t have that quality that Khali has so it’s made a tag match.

Kane was disqualified for a dumb reason versus Rey Mysterio and then both their respective feuds continue. Wow. I can’t wait to see Kane versus Khali in a submission match.

CM Punk fought Jeff Hardy in a loser leaves WWE steel cage match. You’ll NEVER guess who wins.

Yay! We’re finished!