Now with more entertainment!
Welcome to Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time Coverage of WWE RAW!  I’ll be here tonight for the next two hours bringing you updates from tonight’s show.  Tonight, Cedric the Entertainer is YOUR guest host.  We have a contract signing for Cena v. Orton: The Rematch!
We get footage of Cedric the Entertainer and his entourage leaving the limo. There has to be 100 people inside and a goat.
Music. Showtime.
Are You Ready? No? Too bad, because we’re kicking things off with a match? What? you mean we’re doing the WHOLE ENTRANCE? Fine. They talk about how Hell in a Cell is their playground. They promise that it will be the end of Legacy at Hell in a Cell.
Triple H (w/Shawn Michaels) v. Cody Rhodes (w/Ted DiBiase)
The bell sounds and Dibiase distracts Trips to allow Rhodes to get the upperhand. Sadly, Trips isn’t the man you want to go toe to toe against. Cody keeps on the assault and I can see that Trips is toying with him. Mistake made and Cody gets sent to the steel ringpost. Everything else is academic as Trips works the arm and locks on the Crossface. Rhodes hits the ropes and he takes a powder. Trips takes care of Legacy as we go to break.
Commercials.
We’re back and Trips tries to get back in the match. However Cody decides to hit a neckbreaker and get a two count. Rhodes tees off on Trips and DiBiase gets involved. We get another two count. Suckerpunch by Trips and Cody gets a Russian Leg Sweep for two. Trips wills his way up, but Cody decides to hit a moonsault for another two count. Who did Trips piss off this week? Trips fights back again and both men go for it. Trips ELEVATES RHODES OUT OF THE RING. Cody slaps Michaels and he chases away. DiBiase flapjacks Michaels on the announce table and clothesline him down. Back inside, Trips looks for the Pedigree, but DiBiase causes a DQ and beats Trips up with the chair. Rhodes nails the CrossRhodes on Trips and DiBiase drops Trips with the Dream Street. DiBiase has the chair and we’re going to pilmanize Trips’ neck. Shawn comes to and he grabs a sledgehammer to chase Legacy away.
Winner: Triple H via DQ
Grade: C
Kofi Kingston v. Jack Swagger is signed tonight with the U.S. Title on the line!
Commercials.
We’re welcomed by Cedric the Entertainer with the Bella Twins on loan from ECW. He immediately goes on with the Big Show jokes, which guarantees fun and games. Now he pokes fun of Legacy. Yay for Miz jokes. This can’t go good as Santino makes his way out to the stage. Santino wants to do stand up comedy and Cedric is game. Santino does just as good as you can expect. Cedric pulls a Kayne and tells Santino to stick to wrestling. Chavo Guerrero comes out and we get some more jokes. Chavo goes nuts on the celebrity hosts from the past few weeks. Cedric says that it was funny when Bob Barker karate chopped him last week. Actually it was two weeks ago. Chavo wants to challenge Cedric to a match and he loses his mic. Cedric doesn’t want to wrestle tonight, but Santino accepts for Cedric. This can’t go well.
We recap last week where Miz walks off with Kofi’s U.S. Title. Josh Matthews is with Miz right now. He wants Miz to explain why he stole the U.S. Title. Miz is unpredictable and he gets punked out like a bitch from Kofi Kingston. Miz just got neutered…again.
Commercials.
Did You Know: We won’t admit that we lost to Monday Night Football, so we’ll say that we’re better than CBS, ABC, FOX, & CW.
Evan Bourne v. The Miz
Bourne mocks Miz a bit before Miz takes him to the corner. Another lock up and Bourne is the aggressor. Miz comes back and the ref has to restrain him. This allows Bourne to hit a dropkick. Miz comes back and he hangs Bourne out to dry. Kick to the head connects and that gets two. Miz has the arms locked, but Bourne comes back with the kicks. Miz’s kicks are more effective. Bourne with a rollup gets two. Neckbreaker by Miz…TWO COUNT ONLY! Miz chokes out Bourne at the ropes and he hits a suplex for two. Miz works the arms a bit in a submission move and Miz follows with a modified curb stomp. Miz drags Bourne to the apron and he kicks him in the head for two. He goes back to the arms and Evan is in pain. Bourne gets out of it and he scores with the kicks. Miz sends Bourne in the corner and he connects with the charge. He goes up top and Bourne crotches him! Hurrancurana connects and he goes opposite corner for the Shooting Star Press…MISSES! Miz with the Skull Crushing Finale and he wins!
Winner: The Miz
Grade: C
Backstage, Legacy have a discussion. Orton gives Rhodes and DiBiase the rest of the night off since they have done a good deed tonight.
Commercials.
Backstage, Legacy have a discussion. Orton gives Rhodes and DiBiase the rest of the night off since they have done a good deed tonight.
Commercials.
Time for the contract signing and Jerry Lawler is in the ring to run things. Remember folks, Lawler is running for Mayor of Memphis, so if you want to see him off WWE TV, vote him in!
We got the party in the ring and Orton looks perplexed. Jerry Lawler imposes a “no physicality rule” for the signing, so no one goes through the table. Trish Stratus stated that if Orton didn’t want to go through Hell in a Cell, he could waive his rematch clause. He signs it and takes the microphone. He asks Lawler to leave the ring. He tells Cena that he is more dangerous than he has ever been and he will do what it takes to win. Orton has the advantage factor in Hell in a Cell. Cena stands up and he grabs the mic. He wasn’t really listening. We get a recap of Orton quitting at Breaking Point. Cena makes this sound like a joke. He signs the contract. He then makes gay jokes and I’m afraid to say that Cena is a tool. He tells Orton that he has no idea what he is capable of. Orton wants to RKO Cena through the table, but he can’t. He has someone that can and will put Cena through hell right now. Chris Jericho & Big Show make their way to the ring and Cena is ready. Show throws the table out of the ring and Cena goes to attack. Two-on-one ensues until Mark Henry and MVP come out to save him. Cedric the Entertainer shows up and he makes a six man tag.
Commercials.
Slam of the Week: Alicia Fox beats Gail Kim to earn a title shot.
Alicia Fox is at ringside to watch the following match.
Mickie James v. Beth Phoenix
Beth comes after Mickie to start, but Mickie responds with a neckbreaker. She follows up with a dropkick. To the top Mickie goes and she takes Beth out. SUPER SERIAL! She and Alicia nearly come to blows, but Beth comes back and he hits the Glam Slam for the three.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Grade: F
Alicia Fox is in the ring and she connects with the Scissors Kick!
Commercials.
United States Championship: Kofi Kingston v. Jack Swagger
The bell sounds and Swagger is on the assault from the get-go. Kofi armdrags himself out of a wristlock, but he gets caught by Swagger. Kofi lands on his feet and Swagger kicks away. The Miz is out and he takes back the U.S. Title. Jack Swagger comes back and he levels Miz on the ramp. He decides to take the title himself. What the F***?
Result: No Contest
Grade: FTS
Wow.
Up next, Chavo continues to take it up the ass without the KY. It’s that predictable.
Commercials.
Did You Know: WWE Television can seen in 465 million homes, more than the NBA, MLB, and NFL combined. Furthermore, the NBA, MLB, and NFL have higher ratings than the WWE.
Special Guest Referee Match: Chavo Guerrero v. Cedric the Entertainer with Santino Marella as Special Referee
Oh God…I wanna barf. Chavo has a laugh and Cedric puts on a mask. That makes it so much better. Chavo toys around a bit. He takes the hat and he drops it on the canvas. He stomps on it and he piefaces Cedric. He heads out of the ring and goes underneath. Chavo is too damned smart for this. He goes on the otherside and he pulls out…someone that isn’t Cedric. He gets leveled and backdropped for his trouble. He gets squashed and the fake Cedric goes back under the ring. Hornswoggle comes out for a Tadpole Splash and the real Cedric pins Chavo. Seriously. F*** this s***.
Winner: Cedric the Entertainer
Grade: Seruously….FTS
Next week’s guest host is the Rev. Al Sharpton. Insert witty joke here.
We recap the RAW side to WWE Hell in a Cell in two weeks.
Kelly Kelly is with Cedric flirting with him. Chris Jericho is not impressed and he needs to talk. Cedric disses Jericho a bit and this time Big Show gets involved.
Jerry Lawler is on the microphone and he gives her a huge send off. She is teary-eyed and she expresses her gratitude.
Commercials.
Batista v. Big Show this Friday on SmackDown!
Jericho, Show, & Orton are already in the ring. Jericho and Show upped the ante to where if they lose, Randy has to face Cena, MVP, and Henry in a Gauntlet match. However, if they win, Cena has to run the gauntlet.
The main event is next!
Commercials.
Chris Jericho, Big Show, & Randy Orton v. MVP, Mark Henry, & John Cena
Cena and Jericho start off and we get a lock up. Cena gets Jericho in the corner, but Jericho hits a cheap shot. Tag to Orton and he nearly gets Attitude Adjusted. He runs away and Cena gets blocked by Big Show. Orton has Cena in the heel corner and Cena is in trouble in the early going. Cena fights back, but Orton hits a snap powerslam. Knee drop connects and Big Show gets tagged in. Headbutt connects and he shows Bobby Lashley and Cody Deaner how to throw a punch. Jericho comes in and he takes Cena down. Tag to Orton and Cena comes back with a belly-to-back suplex. Cena tags to MVP and Orton tags Jericho. Monkey flip connects and MVP evades a corner charge. Jaw jack by MVP and he is goin’ ballin’! TWO COUNT ONLY! Playmaker attempt is countered with a Big Show assist. Big Show tags in and he scoop slams MVP. Headbutt connects and Show is a monster. Tag to Orton and he wrenches MVP’s neck. MVP comes back, but Orton with a drop toe hold keeps him from tagging out. Tag to Jericho and he plays cocky. He chokes MVP out at the ropes and the referee is on him. MVP evades the running knee attack from Jericho! Orton is in and MVP is stopped just before the tag. Galvin stomp by Orton and he adds emphasis on the ribs. MVP blocks a punch but he gets sent to the ropes. Orton sends MVP through the ropes, but Henry gets the tag. HE CLEANs HOUSE! Cena sends Show over the ropes and in all the mess, Orton RKO’s Henry and Cena has to run the gauntlet next week!
Winners: Orton, Jericho, & Show
Grade: C+
Show Over.
The WWE RAW Report Card
Orton, Jericho, & Show d. Cena, Henry, & MVP: C+
Cedric the Entertainer d. Chavo Guerrero: FTS
Jack Swagger v. Kofi Kingston went to a no contest (no official result given on air): FTS
Beth Phoenix d. Mickie James: F
The Miz d. Evan Bourne: C
Triple H d. Cody Rhodes via DQ: C
The Final Grade for WWE RAW 09.21.09: D-
This show was one huge EPIC FAIL tonight. I actually fear next week will be just as bad with the Rev. Al Sharpton being in charge. Sure, the comedy bits were entertaining…but they took up too much time. Beth Phoenix beats Mickie James in less than a minute? We get more Chavo/Guest Host/Hornswoggle after they buried it dead months ago? I began to give RAW the benefit of the doubt as they put on a better show the last couple weeks. One step forward, several steps back.
Thanks for being here tonight and I promise that I’ll be back this week with the fallout of TNA No Surrender. Enjoy your week!
