The SmarK DVD Rant for Rocky: The Undisputed Collection (Blu-Ray)

Blu-ray Reviews, Columns, Reviews

The SmarK DVD Rant for Rocky: The Undisputed Collection (Blu-Ray)

rockyundisputedblu

OK, let’s call a spade a spade here. If you’re the kind of crazed Rocky Balboa fan who’s buying this set, you’re not buying it for Rocky or Rocky II. Both of those are great films that I’ve seen a million times and many people have as well, but they’re not the raison d’etre of a set like this. No, the type of person who is willing to drop $80 on a set containing all six Rocky movies is the person who can easily sit down on a Saturday afternoon and blow through ALL SIX MOVIES, and enjoy the hell out of it. Any pansy can watch Rocky again, but I’m the kind of guy who gets more out of the later movies, so that’s what I’m going to talk about.

Rocky III

So this is the ultimate example of batshit crazy ’80s excess in all its glory. Rocky III sees our hero ascend from the underdog role in the first two movies, into elite World heavyweight champion boxer, suddenly living the high life and beating up hand-picked opponents. He even fights Thunderlips (The Ultimate Male!), played with over-the-top zeal by young Hulk Hogan, in the role that made him a star. And it’s for good reason, as you can really see him out there chewing the scenery with every frame of film he gets. That one of course goes much differently than UFC’s boxer v. wrestler matches would go. But on the horizon is #1 contender and knockout artist Clubber Lang (another star-making performance, this time by Mr. T), roughly equivalent to a young Mike Tyson. Pretty impressive considering Tyson was still a few years away from rising prominence. The subtext is pretty blatant, as Rocky has upgraded to training in star-studded celebrity gyms while Lang trains in dirty basements because he has the EYE OF THE TIGER. Lang’s heel promos, by the way, are something to behold, and if he had any interest or talent at pro wrestling he could have been as big a star as Hulk Hogan with them. Clubber, to the surprise of no one, wins the title from Rocky (and manages to induce a fatal heart attack in Mickey to boot), but this is an 80s movie so there’s no comeback that can’t be made with a MONTAGE! I did find it a tad unbelievable that Apollo Creed, who would have just lost the World title a few months previously, would retire and become Rocky’s new trainer, but this isn’t the type of movie where you can criticize plot points like that. Yeah, the beats are predictable (they dedicate a STATUE to him and he’s training at the Rolling Stones’ Rock N Roll Circus, is there any doubt that a crushing loss is coming?), but the whole movie is such cartoonish excess and completely exuberant in its desire to entertain the living fuck out of the audience that you have to love it. Just watch the final fight between newly retrained Rocky and Clubber and tell me you wouldn’t be cheering at the end. A million billion stars!

Rocky IV

So now Rocky is fighting FOR AMERICA. Russians are invading American professional sports, and their name is DRAGO. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s another star-making performance, this time in the form of Dolph Lundgren as roided Russian boxer Ivan Drago. Yeah, those Russians, taking steroids, not like wholesome American athletes. So anyway, Apollo Creed isn’t gonna stand for somebody somewhere saying America is whack, and he’s got James Brown to prove it. Say what you will about this movie, but that James Brown performance made for one hell of an entrance for Creed. The batshit insanity of this series only gets ramped up when Drago literally KILLS Creed during a "friendly exhibition" match, and cuts a heel promo over the man’s lifeless body! Now here’s where you get into a bit of a continuity problem, as Rocky is presented as the next logical step for Drago, but in the previous movie he was complaining that his fights were a series of tomato can setups and he really wasn’t as good as he was supposed to be. At any rate, it’s off to COMMUNIST RUSSIA for Rocky v. Drago, and of course Adrian is a bitch who won’t support her husband. I hope she gets cancer in the sixth movie and dies. But Rocky’s underdog status is OK, because this is the ’80s and there’s no problem that can’t be solved with a MONTAGE! The montage will never let him down. Your theme of the movie: Technology is bad, running in the snow is good. Oh, and did I mention that the montages are all set to crappy ’80s synth rock? Because Stallone REALLY loves them. Unfortunately the training portion of the movie is WAY too long, as the big fight is signed something like 45 minutes into the movie and they have to fill more than 30 minutes with Rocky In Russia as a result. And of course we now know that Russian fighters look like Fedor, not Ivan Drago. Even the FIGHT is turned into a montage! That’s the 80s , man! Sadly, the series didn’t end here, because if it had it would be the most awesome movie series in history.

Rocky V

First one not to be directed by Stallone. This one takes place the day after the fourth one, but his kid has magically gone from 10 to 14. And Drago was the one on steroids? Rocky wants to retire after his Russian adventure, but literally the minute after he steps off the plane a Don King promoter is offering millions to fight flavor of the week Union Cane (a million bonus dollars to whoever thinks up those names). And sure enough, as soon as Rocky declares how terrific it is to have millions of dollars and be retired, he loses everything to a crooked accountant and he’s broke. And brain damaged. Now I understand the purpose of building dramatic tension and giving the characters obstacles to overcome and such, but as someone who is reasonably invested in the characters (except for bitchy Adrian) I don’t want to see bad things happen to them in order to drive the plot. It’s not FUN. So it’s back to the mean streets of Philly and Adrian’s still an unsupportive hag, but there’s hope in the form of angry young boxer Tommy Gunn. And he’s REALLY angry because this series is such a cartoon now. Another point that bugged me here was that they go to great lengths to create tension by making Rocky blind to Tommy’s obvious character faults and treat him like a son, while ignoring his own son. I don’t WANT to dislike Rocky, that’s why I’m watching all these movies and enjoying them so much up until now. Rocky is supposed to be the hero, not the flawed one. There’s movies for that, and they’re called GOOD movies. Even worse, they even give Rocky Jr. a whole shitty character arc, where he swings wildly between bullied new kid and earring-wearing street tough. Even worse than THAT, the montages set to shitty synth rock have been replaced by wussy C-level hip hop. Considering MC Hammer was too heavy for most white people when this movie was released, it makes the choice of musical accompaniment all the stranger. Tommy Gunn rises up the ranks as a surrogate Rocky, but the movie takes great pains to point out how he has no heart and he’s just Rocky’s robot. So who the fuck am I supposed to be cheering for here, then? When he gets his World title, even his own promoter admits that he’s a joke and a paper champion, but the movie still needs a big Rocky fight scene for the climax. So we get a street fight between Rocky and Tommy instead, and even that doesn’t go right. When Rocky gets beat down by the heel and you hear the horns swelling up, you expect him to pop up and finish the asshole for good, but instead Gunn keeps popping up like a movie villain. I saw what they were trying for, but this was a movie that should not have been made and didn’t feel like a satisfying conclusion to anything.

Rocky Balboa

So 17 years later, another sequel, and having never seen this one before I came in with an open mind and ended up enjoying the hell out of it. Adrian is dead and gone (probably still nagging him from the grave), and nearly 60 Rocky is long retired. The first part of the movie sees Rocky meeting Little Marie from the very first movie, now all grown up and raising a son. Their platonic and very sweet relationship is some wonderful acting from both of them, and since Rocky’s own son is being a bit of a douche here he’s free to mentor young Steps without worrying about alienating anyone this time. And everyone just gets along right away! Hallelujah! The main plot from the boxing end of things centers on pampered heavyweight champion Mason Dixon (I know, these guys should come up with wrestling names) as art imitates life and he’s sitting on top of a division full of nobodies with PPV buyrates falling. A rather dated-looking computer simulation says that Rocky in his prime would knock out Dixon, so money-starved promoters try to set it up, awakening the beast in Rocky as a result and driving him to get his license back. The courtroom scene really didn’t work for me, and it was one of the few moments that took me out of the movie, in fact. I was kind of enjoying the whole "Rocky finds new love in the old neighborhood" stuff so much that it almost disappointed me when the movie suddenly shifts to Vegas for his training and big comeback fight against Mason Dixon. But man, that fight WORKS, and you have to be a machine not to be moved by the sense of mythology that this series has now established for Rocky. It almost feels like a real athlete trying for one last moment of glory, and everyone gets what they need out of it. It’s an idea that shouldn’t work because it’s so silly, but it does, because Rocky IS a larger-than-life character and you’ll accept this preposterous comeback. Plus in all fairness, he’s more ripped than any 60 year old you’ll see outside of Vince McMahon. Not the best of the series, but it’s way better than 5, and that’s something.

Audio & Video

Since this is Blu-Ray, I’ll chat for a moment about the video quality, and in short it’s not great. The first movie is just a straight dump of the previous release and it’s still really grainy and DVD-like for a Blu-Ray. I know it’s an older movie, but restoration can work wonders and the first Rocky is a movie well worth taking the time to restore to pristine condition again. The second and third movies are similar, looking better in some ways, but a couple of times I paused III and was pretty shocked by all the dirt and grain I could see on the screen. The fourth and fifth movies look better yet with more vibrant colors as we get closer to the modern era, but it’s the last movie that of course blows them all away. Rocky Balboa is reference-quality on Blu-Ray, especially the final fight, which looks like something out of an HD broadcast today. Audio on the first five movies is about the same, which is to say mono converted into DTS 5.1 to no great effect, aside from some awesome usage of the surrounds for the theme song. And of course Rocky Balboa makes full use of the uncompressed audio track, especially again during the big fight, giving it a true arena feeling.

There’s a seventh disc filled with extra features (mostly on the first movie) but I’ve had enough Rocky for one day. Does anyone watch these things anyway?

The Pulse

I think you have to be of a certain era to fully appreciate what’s going on with the entire set, but I am and I do, so highest recommendation from this end. If you’re someone who’s into quality, just get the first movie (there’s tons of good editions available) and maybe the second one (even though it’s basically the same movie).