JunkNews EXCLUSIVE- Transcript From Inside Arrested Wrestlers’ Cab

InsidePulse has obtained an exclusive audio tape recorded by the driver of the cab in which Chris Jericho, Hurricane Helms and Matt Hardy were involved in an incident. Here is a transcript of that tape.

MATT HARDY: Boy, am I hungry. Are there any tanning salons that sell fudge around here?

HURRICANE HELMS: Yo! Driver! My boy Matt wants a super orange tan and one of those new Domino pizzas.

DRIVER: You boys settle down.

CHRIS JERICHO: Ugh. Dominos is the worst.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Have you had their new pizza? It’s not bad.

MATT HARDY: I am so hungry.

CHRIS JERICHO: We just ate! We had a 5 course meal!

MATT HARDY: I’m hungry, man. And my tan is wearing off.

CHRIS JERICHO: You’re bright orange!

HURRICANE HELMS: You look like The Thing, but instead of muscle, fat. You’re the Fat Thing.

MATT HARDY: Yeah, well you look like the…

(10 seconds of silence)

HURRICANE HELMS: I can’t believe they won’t let you cut promos.

MATT HARDY: I know! It’s totally bull. I just wish I could eat whatever I want, barely work out, not work on my promo skills, not change my act in a decade and be champion.

CHRIS JERICHO: Yeah. That would be nice.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Champion of what?

CHRIS JERICHO: Don’t worry about it.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I’m curious! What do you mean champion? Are you a competitive eater?

MATT HARDY: No, but that’s a field I’m working on getting into. Right now I work for World Wrestling Entertainment.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh wow! My ex-boyfriend used to watch that. Which one are you?

MATT HARDY: I’m Matt Hardy.


MATT HARDY: My name is Matt.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, I’ve seen you! You’re the guy with the weird hair who jumps off stuff.

MATT HARDY: That’s my brother.


MATT HARDY: Well, people would like me more than him if they understood wrestling. I’m much better at it than him.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Okay. Sorry if I offended you.

MATT HARDY: We’re in Kentucky! How hard is it to find a 24/7 tanning salon slash restaurant?!

DRIVER: Settle down back there!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Are you all involved in wrestling?


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Which one are you?

CHRIS JERICHO: You probably wouldn’t know me. I’m Sex Allure.


CHRIS JERICHO: Yeah, ooooh.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Do you like pretend you have sex with lots of women?

CHRIS JERICHO: No! EWW! No, I knock out and then rape my opponents.


CHRIS JERICHO: Right in the middle of packed arenas. I was fighting The Green Gaywad over there tonight in fact.


CHRIS JERICHO: It was a pretty quick match. I kicked him in the head and then pounded his ass. You should have heard the kids just cheering and clapping. “GO JERICHO GO! GO JERICHO GO!”

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Why were they chanting Jericho?

CHRIS JERICHO: That’s my winning move. The Balls of Jericho.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So you just lie there and take it?


CHRIS JERICHO: He struggles around for show, but he loves it.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Wrestling has gotten filthy. I never would have thought that there was anal sex involved in it. So you’re his bitch?

HURRICANE HELMS: I’m nobody’s bitch!

DRIVER: You all calm down back there!

HURRICANE HELMS: I AM A MAN! I am a man! I am not a bitch!

DRIVER: Hey! Leave your shirt on!

HURRICANE HELMS: You see this H? I am a super hero!

CHRIS JERICHO: The H stands for homo. Ow! You punched me!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Stop it! You two love one another! OW! WHAT THE HELL DUDE? Your boyfriend just weakly hit my boob!

DRIVER: You damn kids! I’m calling the police!

MATT HARDY: PULL OVER! I just saw a half eaten donut in a gutter two blocks back!

(A door is heard opening and brakes screeching)

CHRIS JERICHO: There he goes. Look at him waddle away.

DRIVER: Hello, I need help!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I can’t believe you hit me!

HURRICANE HELMS: This is awful! I was supposed to be the superstar of the day on Thursday! Woosh!

CHRIS JERICHO: Hey, don’t run Greg! This is no big deal!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Y’all are going to jail.

We’ll have more on this story as it breaks.

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