JunkNews EXCLUSIVE- Transcript From Inside Arrested Wrestlers’ Cab

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InsidePulse has obtained an exclusive audio tape recorded by the driver of the cab in which Chris Jericho, Hurricane Helms and Matt Hardy were involved in an incident. Here is a transcript of that tape.

MATT HARDY: Boy, am I hungry. Are there any tanning salons that sell fudge around here?

HURRICANE HELMS: Yo! Driver! My boy Matt wants a super orange tan and one of those new Domino pizzas.

DRIVER: You boys settle down.

CHRIS JERICHO: Ugh. Dominos is the worst.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Have you had their new pizza? It’s not bad.

MATT HARDY: I am so hungry.

CHRIS JERICHO: We just ate! We had a 5 course meal!

MATT HARDY: I’m hungry, man. And my tan is wearing off.

CHRIS JERICHO: You’re bright orange!

HURRICANE HELMS: You look like The Thing, but instead of muscle, fat. You’re the Fat Thing.

MATT HARDY: Yeah, well you look like the…

(10 seconds of silence)

HURRICANE HELMS: I can’t believe they won’t let you cut promos.

MATT HARDY: I know! It’s totally bull. I just wish I could eat whatever I want, barely work out, not work on my promo skills, not change my act in a decade and be champion.

CHRIS JERICHO: Yeah. That would be nice.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Champion of what?

CHRIS JERICHO: Don’t worry about it.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I’m curious! What do you mean champion? Are you a competitive eater?

MATT HARDY: No, but that’s a field I’m working on getting into. Right now I work for World Wrestling Entertainment.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh wow! My ex-boyfriend used to watch that. Which one are you?

MATT HARDY: I’m Matt Hardy.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, Jeff.

MATT HARDY: My name is Matt.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, I’ve seen you! You’re the guy with the weird hair who jumps off stuff.

MATT HARDY: That’s my brother.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: He’s great!

MATT HARDY: Well, people would like me more than him if they understood wrestling. I’m much better at it than him.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Okay. Sorry if I offended you.

MATT HARDY: We’re in Kentucky! How hard is it to find a 24/7 tanning salon slash restaurant?!

DRIVER: Settle down back there!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Are you all involved in wrestling?

CHRIS JERICHO: Yep.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Which one are you?

CHRIS JERICHO: You probably wouldn’t know me. I’m Sex Allure.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oooooh.

CHRIS JERICHO: Yeah, ooooh.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Do you like pretend you have sex with lots of women?

CHRIS JERICHO: No! EWW! No, I knock out and then rape my opponents.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Really?

CHRIS JERICHO: Right in the middle of packed arenas. I was fighting The Green Gaywad over there tonight in fact.

HURRICANE HELMS: Shut up.

CHRIS JERICHO: It was a pretty quick match. I kicked him in the head and then pounded his ass. You should have heard the kids just cheering and clapping. “GO JERICHO GO! GO JERICHO GO!”

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Why were they chanting Jericho?

CHRIS JERICHO: That’s my winning move. The Balls of Jericho.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So you just lie there and take it?

HURRICANE HELMS: No.

CHRIS JERICHO: He struggles around for show, but he loves it.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Wrestling has gotten filthy. I never would have thought that there was anal sex involved in it. So you’re his bitch?

HURRICANE HELMS: I’m nobody’s bitch!

DRIVER: You all calm down back there!

HURRICANE HELMS: I AM A MAN! I am a man! I am not a bitch!

DRIVER: Hey! Leave your shirt on!

HURRICANE HELMS: You see this H? I am a super hero!

CHRIS JERICHO: The H stands for homo. Ow! You punched me!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Stop it! You two love one another! OW! WHAT THE HELL DUDE? Your boyfriend just weakly hit my boob!

DRIVER: You damn kids! I’m calling the police!

MATT HARDY: PULL OVER! I just saw a half eaten donut in a gutter two blocks back!

(A door is heard opening and brakes screeching)

CHRIS JERICHO: There he goes. Look at him waddle away.

DRIVER: Hello, I need help!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I can’t believe you hit me!

HURRICANE HELMS: This is awful! I was supposed to be the superstar of the day on Thursday! Woosh!

CHRIS JERICHO: Hey, don’t run Greg! This is no big deal!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Y’all are going to jail.

We’ll have more on this story as it breaks.