InsidePulse has obtained an exclusive audio tape recorded by the driver of the cab in which Chris Jericho, Hurricane Helms and Matt Hardy were involved in an incident. Here is a transcript of that tape.
MATT HARDY: Boy, am I hungry. Are there any tanning salons that sell fudge around here?
HURRICANE HELMS: Yo! Driver! My boy Matt wants a super orange tan and one of those new Domino pizzas.
DRIVER: You boys settle down.
CHRIS JERICHO: Ugh. Dominos is the worst.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Have you had their new pizza? It’s not bad.
MATT HARDY: I am so hungry.
CHRIS JERICHO: We just ate! We had a 5 course meal!
MATT HARDY: I’m hungry, man. And my tan is wearing off.
CHRIS JERICHO: You’re bright orange!
HURRICANE HELMS: You look like The Thing, but instead of muscle, fat. You’re the Fat Thing.
MATT HARDY: Yeah, well you look like the…
(10 seconds of silence)
HURRICANE HELMS: I can’t believe they won’t let you cut promos.
MATT HARDY: I know! It’s totally bull. I just wish I could eat whatever I want, barely work out, not work on my promo skills, not change my act in a decade and be champion.
CHRIS JERICHO: Yeah. That would be nice.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Champion of what?
CHRIS JERICHO: Don’t worry about it.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I’m curious! What do you mean champion? Are you a competitive eater?
MATT HARDY: No, but that’s a field I’m working on getting into. Right now I work for World Wrestling Entertainment.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh wow! My ex-boyfriend used to watch that. Which one are you?
MATT HARDY: I’m Matt Hardy.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, Jeff.
MATT HARDY: My name is Matt.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, I’ve seen you! You’re the guy with the weird hair who jumps off stuff.
MATT HARDY: That’s my brother.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: He’s great!
MATT HARDY: Well, people would like me more than him if they understood wrestling. I’m much better at it than him.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Okay. Sorry if I offended you.
MATT HARDY: We’re in Kentucky! How hard is it to find a 24/7 tanning salon slash restaurant?!
DRIVER: Settle down back there!
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Are you all involved in wrestling?
CHRIS JERICHO: Yep.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Which one are you?
CHRIS JERICHO: You probably wouldn’t know me. I’m Sex Allure.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oooooh.
CHRIS JERICHO: Yeah, ooooh.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Do you like pretend you have sex with lots of women?
CHRIS JERICHO: No! EWW! No, I knock out and then rape my opponents.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Really?
CHRIS JERICHO: Right in the middle of packed arenas. I was fighting The Green Gaywad over there tonight in fact.
HURRICANE HELMS: Shut up.
CHRIS JERICHO: It was a pretty quick match. I kicked him in the head and then pounded his ass. You should have heard the kids just cheering and clapping. “GO JERICHO GO! GO JERICHO GO!”
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Why were they chanting Jericho?
CHRIS JERICHO: That’s my winning move. The Balls of Jericho.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So you just lie there and take it?
HURRICANE HELMS: No.
CHRIS JERICHO: He struggles around for show, but he loves it.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Wrestling has gotten filthy. I never would have thought that there was anal sex involved in it. So you’re his bitch?
HURRICANE HELMS: I’m nobody’s bitch!
DRIVER: You all calm down back there!
HURRICANE HELMS: I AM A MAN! I am a man! I am not a bitch!
DRIVER: Hey! Leave your shirt on!
HURRICANE HELMS: You see this H? I am a super hero!
CHRIS JERICHO: The H stands for homo. Ow! You punched me!
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Stop it! You two love one another! OW! WHAT THE HELL DUDE? Your boyfriend just weakly hit my boob!
DRIVER: You damn kids! I’m calling the police!
MATT HARDY: PULL OVER! I just saw a half eaten donut in a gutter two blocks back!
(A door is heard opening and brakes screeching)
CHRIS JERICHO: There he goes. Look at him waddle away.
DRIVER: Hello, I need help!
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I can’t believe you hit me!
HURRICANE HELMS: This is awful! I was supposed to be the superstar of the day on Thursday! Woosh!
CHRIS JERICHO: Hey, don’t run Greg! This is no big deal!
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Y’all are going to jail.
We’ll have more on this story as it breaks.
Tags: chris jericho, gregory helms, Hurricane, hurricane helms, Matt Hardy, WWE