Forget the denial of death. Four contestants will deny their fate at the end of this results show. They’ll deny the harsh moment when Ryan Seacrest informs them it’s time to sing one last time. They’ll blame this failure on Simon, the sound mixer and the lighting director. They’ll swear their fans were given busy signals or dialed the wrong number. But in a few months, they’ll go to iTunes, download their last performance and realize they had no business on the show. They were chum and not sushi.
The group song is the Black Eye Pea’s “I Got a Feeling.” I got a feeling that this performance is on Memorex. This is the kind of song that if it was part of a telethon, people would be asking for their contributions returned. They’d be rooting for the disease to ravage these kids. Four of these contestants will have a feeling that they’re packing their bags and going home. No tour this summer. Just a lot of friends and strangers asking, “Why’d you pick that song?”
Time for the first guy to be sent home. Todrick Hall somehow finds himself as safe. Guess his munchkin controversy hasn’t hit critical for the producers. Tim Urban is safe. That’s right, the Vote for the Worst crowd has come through. John Park is given the sad news that he’s being returned to his college career. One second you got Shania Twain wanting to lick the sweat off your throat and now you got Ryan making you sing goodnight to America. Think he can get Shania’s cell number from Randy?
The second row of boys comes down to Jermaine Sellers and Andrew Garcia. Jermaine swore he wasn’t going home last night because he knows God. Unfortunately God didn’t call his number enough. He’s sent packing. Does this mean he won’t be taking Simon to church? My wife thinks America became stunned by him dancing around in his adult onesie. It was as creepy of an image as Jame Gumb dancing in Silence of the Lambs. John and Jermaine were the right folks to send packing.
Danny Gokey breaks up the night with “Best Days Are Ahead of Me.” It’s rather country with a steel pedal guitar. He’s got a fun vibe to him with this up tune. After the song, Danny tells Ryan that he misses the judges. He begs Ellen to let him dance on her show. Why the genre shift from pop ballads? Randy Travis inspired him to do country after he was a mentor on an episode. He’s going on tour with Sugarland. He’s looking good even though he finished third last season.
Lily Scott gets all the praise from the judges. She’s safe. Paige Miles is reminded that she didn’t have enough anger for Kara’s song. But it doesn’t matter. She sits back down. Katie Stevens gets that dentist office diss, but there’s no root canal for her. She’s coming back next week. Didi Benami and Michelle Delamor stand next to each other in this Highlander battle. There will be only one. Ryan asks Kara who should stay. Kara thinks Michelle wasn’t good on TV versus in the room. Didi is safe. Michelle Delamor is gone. What? Guess Didi’s crying game after Simon slammed her brought in the pity phone calls. This is another case of America wanting to keep the worst going in Simon’s final season. It’s so tragic that her last moment on the show must be marked by Creed’s “Arms Wide Open.” Not an improvement over last night.
The next row stands up. Katelyn Epperly gets the safe call. Crystal Bowersox is safe, too. She just needs to take care of herself. Siobhan Magnus will continue as our flakey punky goddess on the stage. Haely Vaughn and Lacey Brown are brought to the front of the stage. Who can it be? Haely Vaughn is cut! Oh no. The first Vote for the Worst defeat of the season. Haely and Lacey hug and can’t separate because their jewelry has locked.
They give us the montage of all four losers. They had such great aspirations. Now their dreams have been dashed. All four lock arms and watch the highlights. It’s like a scene is a disaster film when the doomed secondary characters look brave before the tornado sucks them into oblivion. Haely gets to butcher Miley Cyrus one more time. She’s hitting every note like a dragster nailing a speed bump. Tears in the audience are from ear pain. Where could she go after this slaughter? She peaked in her badness too fast.
The foursome that won’t be mutilating music next week are John Park, Jermaine Sellers, Michelle Delamor and Haely Vaughn. Now according to the Fox schedule for next week: The girls will perform Tuesday at 8 p.m. The guy take the stage Wednesday at 9 p.m. The results show is Thursday at 8 p.m. Each episode is only an hour long. Why can’t they run everything at 8 p.m.?
