Thankfully last night’s episodes was listed as R&B cause there was rarely any soul shown on the stage. The opening of tonight’s show mixes highlights of the performances with scenes from the upcoming remake of Clash of the Titans. Outside of money, what’s the point of this exercise or mingling CGI monsters with pimpled teens? At least they mix footage of the Kraken with Simon. Both are teethy mythological characters that are animated in post-production.
Before the kids can go through the motions of a group song, Ryan brings out Ruben Studdard to sing “Don’t Make ‘Em Like U No More.“ Sounds like a Jeffrey Osborne number. Strange to see Ruben perform without his area code on his suit. Has it really been 7 years since he beat Clay Aiken? How many years since the stories spread that he filed for bankruptcy and was dropped by his American Idol rewarded label? Ruben also got his money stolen by his manager. Hasn’t exactly been one sweet grand prize life for him. Ryan swears the Velvet Teddy Bear has lost weight. He brings over Mike Lynche to talk about workout tips. This footage will be on The Soup since Ryan looks like an albino Smurf between the duo. The big news is that Ruben and Clay are going on tour this summer. The strange thought that this might be the first American Idol nostalgia tour.
The Ford Music video has the kids singing Kung Fu Fighting. They’re all wearing Shaw Brothers wardrobe except Casey. Does this mean we won’t be getting a group song with the lip sync action and bad dancing? Was the rehearsal so bad they just scrapped the segment? Ryan kills time by talking to Andrew’s mom about his non-personality issue. Now we get footage of the Clash of the Titan’s premiere except the kids didn’t go. They saw a preview. The cast of the movie pump up Ryan to pick the bottom three. That was really painfully plugtastic.
They dim the lights. Ryan has Lee DeWyze stand up first. Lee loses energy while talking about being energetic on the stage last night. Luckily the question segment doesn’t factor into the vote. Lee sits down. Casey James can’t stop grinning when he stands up.His rambling answer goes on way too long, but he’s also safe. Aaron Kelly stands up next after Ryan skips over Katie Stevens and Siobhan Magnus. Ryan asks Aaron about not being in love. He turns to Simon about this romance stuff. The banter turns homoerotic. Simon gets snippy to the point where Ryan comes close to dropping an F Bomb on the guy. Ultimately Aaron is safe. Siobhan and Katie finally get told to stand up. Siobhan declares that she’s not defeated by the bad performance. Katie gets dragged into the musical direction argument. Ryan ends the debate with the news that Katie’s in the bottom three. She makes the lonely walk to the stools of doom. Siobhan sits down in tears. Kara shouts out, “That’s not right!” Simon and Ryan get nasty at the judge’s table. I really want to see these two get into a sissy slap fight.
Next week is the Lennon-McCartney songbook. Why no love for George Harrison? What if a kid wants a little Ringo? Michael Jackson’s estate needs their side of the Beatles making a quick buck. Taser guns don’t come cheap. Can’t wait for Tim Urban to crap out on “I Am the Walrus.” Justin Bieber is in the crowd to hang with his pal Usher. Ryan sits next to him. Did the restraining order get yanked? Usher comes out singing into a head microphone with the old school Cylon voice processor. Does he have to pay a royalty to Cher? There is an amazing lack of energy in the camera work. I think it’s will.i.am of Black Eye Peas on the stage. But it could be Wyclef? Nope. It’s the Pea man. There’s a lot of motion, but no much commotion. He should have had Bieber come out to cause the crowd to go nuts.
Now we come to the bottom of the couch to see which two of the five will be heading to the stool of doom. Didi Benami is first to stand up. Ryan asks if she’ll play the guitar if she comes back. Of course she will. She’s told to walk across the stage to join Katie. She was my prediction to be marked for two months of tour rehearsals. Michael Lynche stands up and more time is killed as Ellen jokes about him being Tiny Mike to her. Ryan asks Big Mike to walk. Mike looks shocked. Ryan asks for a high five since Mike is safe. Big Mike picks up Ryan and lowers him for a power slam. Crystal Bowersox gets the good news quick when she’s told to sit down. Tim Urban and Andrew Garcia stand up with arms around each other. The Teflon Twins are glowing. Ryan lets Kara comment on his ever present smile. She thinks he’s not getting it. Tim gives a weird reason why he smiles no matter what. He just doesn’t want to look like a loser. Andrew Garcia is safe. Tim Urban is bottom three once more. Tim, Katie and Didi stand in a row as Ryan sends one back to the sofa. It’s Katie taking a seat. Guess Kara won’t feel screwed by America.
Didi and Tim are facing off. Can Vote for the Worst crowd save Tim’s bacon one more time? Not that defeating Didi is any sort of royal upset. Will the judges care about the save? Before Diddy Dirty Money, there’s a warning that strobe lightning will be used in “Hello Good Morning.” Sean Combs and two back up singers dance around in white leather outfits in smoke. It’s more painful than Usher. Combs is lip syncing as he reminds us why nobody has cared about his musical career in a decade. He needs to stick to putting his name on suit jackets like Robert Hall. He hasn’t been the same since Ma$e went holy roller.
Didi and Tim stand at the front of the stage. Ryan gets straight to the point – Didi Benami is going to practice for the tour since she’ll be the first performer out of the bull shoot. She’s going for the save. I fear the judges will save her just for the hope that next week’s double elimination will take out Tim and Didi. Didi does an extremely tepid cover of Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon.” This does not even come close to being spellbinding. She’s so bad that it better be an obvious no. Simon acts like there’s a tough choice. The crowd cheers save her. Simon gives her the bad news. She’ll be returning for the finale group song tour preview. Tim Urban will give us another week of great headlines from outraged critics that he’s somehow destroying this miserable season. Didi cries through the highlight footage. Why? She’s going on tour and collecting a healthy paycheck. There are no losers from this point forward. Don’t feel bad for any them. You want to cry for losers sent home, watch Jeopardy.
