The recap opens in black and white with Michael Lynche getting the save from the judges. That means two shall be sent away on tonight’s episode. It’s like an evil Doublemint Gum commercial. Adam Lambert tells the kids they need to wake up to win the competition. Damn right. There’s too many kids playing it safe and staying completely in their comfort zone which is the size of a walnut. Kraftwerk didn’t become icons by performing safe songs. Ryan announces that 34 million people called last night. Were you able to get through? Tim Urban’s number had busy signals last night. Ryan calls Simon by his new nickname – “Psycho.” Before we can get too excited, the surviving 9 come out to do a lukewarm medley of Elvis hits that have been scrubbed clean of anything that would upset your great grandmother. Elvis is officially dead otherwise he’d be kicking in the door of the control room and beating down Simon Fuller with Evel Knievel’s baseball bat. This is beyond pathetic in it’s lameness. I have to break out a copy of The Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Green Society to scrub my ears of this travesty. Let me take a second to praise Geoff Edger’s Do It Again. The documentary has the guy seeking to reunite the Kinks. He enlists Sting in his quest. It’s a much more musically satisfactory entertainment than that dreadful Elvis tribute.
Ryan brings us back from the commercial to have us see the kids in the Ford Commercial. It’s got them growing trees in the middle of the road. Where exactly is the fun in what killed Marc Bolan?
Casey James is the first to stand up followed by Aaron Kelly and Andrew Garcia. They must follow Ryan to the center of the stage. This was my bottom three from last night. Is this going to be a quick night? Or will they be tortured for the next 47 minutes? They all get to hear the critical barbs one more time. My wife thinks it is dumb that Andrew’s bowtie is the same plaid as his shirt. Andrew Garcia gets eliminated without much teasing. Casey and Aaron are sent back to the couch. They are safe. It’s a quick kill. Andrew gets to sing one more song to entertain America until he’s brought back for the finale to preview the tour. He does the James Morrison’s “You Give Me Something” in his barely half an octave range. I won’t feel too bad next week while he’s hidden backstage. I’ll miss his mom in the audience with the giant eyeglasses. The sad thought is that someone besides the lameness of Casey and Aaron is getting bumped. Did Big Mike prove a crowd unpleaser again? Did they skip Andrew Garcia’s montage? So many questions tonight.
Now we get to see Kara and Elliot Yamin visiting Angola thanks to Exxon Mobil. It’s heartfelt as they visit the site of a new dorm for these school kids that will supposedly keep the mosquitos out. I can’t keep the mosquitos out of my house and I have central air. What’s their secret? I spoke with a pal who just got back from a network news shoot in Liberia. He said he had more shots in his arm than the cast of Sober House during their lost weekend. I don’t envy anyone going to Africa at this point. Ouch. Ryan keep pushing how nobody wants to miss Idol Gives Back. Well one person won’t be getting to go. But we have to wait longer to get that name.
Why have they brought back Brooke White and Justin Gaston are brought out for no real reason to do Elvis’ “I Can Dream” as a duet? This is what is would have sounded like if Dolly Parton had a duet with Kenny Rogers after he’d passed out on too much roasted chicken soaked in Wild Turkey. Is this entertainment or a way to flush out Taliban members from the Pakistan border? Have you watched Afghan Pop on HBO? This is just painful to the point of wishing they’d bring back the Gong Show. Serenity now! This song is available for free on iTunes. Wow. You know you can get classic G.I. Joe commercials on iTunes for free. Those are a lot cooler. Andrew Garcia is lucky he’s backstage at this moment. Hopefully his tears drowned out this pathetic destruction of Elvis’ legacy. Why don’t they just bring out Kenny G to drain the passion from “Clambake?”
Ryan has the lights dimmed and the six remaining contestants are brought to the front of the stage. No bar stools of doomed? Lee DeWyze goes under the spotlight first, but no verdict. Siobhan Magnus gets grilled next. Katie Stevens gets reminded of Ellen calling it “horny.” That’s so funny. Michael Lynche, Crystal Bowersox and Tim Urban also get the evil eye of Ryan. Crystal is sent back to the sofa. She plays a harmonica on her walk back. Siohban is also sent sofaward. The punky goddess won’t be blowing glass anytime soon. Lee DeWyze gets led away by Ryan and has a seat with host on the couch. That looks uncomfortable, but Lee is safe. Tim, Michael and Katie must wait till after Adam Lambert. One of them is marked for rehearsal.
Next week the Top 7 will sing inspirational songs as part of Idol Gives Back. Wouldn’t Blondie’s “Call Me” be an inspiration for viewers to phone the contestant’s number? Adam Lambert sings in a weird laser show. He’s doing the Axl notes. They’ve toned down Adam’s stage fun. He’s barely moving from the waist down. This is like Elvis being shackled by certain TV shows. Where’s the bisexual making out with band members routine? Is this his big “I’m sorry I looked horny on TV” performance? Simon Fuller chemically castrated his runner-up to give him a career boost. Maybe he’ll have Lady Gaga perform in a potato sack burka?
Tim, Michael and Katie stand in a row. Ryan send Tim Urban off to the sofa. Yes!!!! He’s the comeback kid once more. He’s more bulletproof than Andrew Garcia. The duo of Michael and Katie hold hands while Ryan gives the bad news. Turns out Katie Stevens is gone. She sort of broken up, but she knows she’s got to prepare for the tour. She’s costing the show a nice chunk of change as her farewell song is The Beatles’ “Let It Be.” You’d think for the goodbye number, Simon Fuller would have them croon a public domain tune. She should have reminded people of her “prom promise” to the caller who ran up the highest phone bill with text messages. Ryan did say that Michael wasn’t in the bottom three. So who was the next lowest vote getter? They gives us the goodbye montage with Andrew and Katie’s brief history. If there’s tears, it’s because they are now opening for Tim Urban.
They don’t congratulate Rickey Minor for landing the gig as bandleader on The Tonight Show after Idol wraps up. Was Ryan up for the gig? He’s on every other show.
