After getting heat for canceling Idol Gives Back last season, they’re bringing it back. Guess Fox has decided the recession is over. This is the third time they’ve held the telethon. Ryan lets us know this is a very special night since President Obama and the First Lady are introducing the show. Always remarkable when the President appears with the Fox logo. Michelle warns Simon to be nice. Ryan reminds us that times are tough, but together we can make a difference in lives. Of course one of tonight’s kids will have their life changed for the worse. The sponsors for the night’s even appear to be the usual sponsors except for ExxonMobil. That company made a profit of $18 billion. How come they don’t just cut a check for $60 million that is expected to be raised and save us the hassle of sending them our credit card number? Not like part of those billions came from us filling up the Hummer.
Ryan introduces Queen Latifah at a theater in Pasadena. Where’s Brian Dunkleman? Reports have it that Brian was not happy at Ryan joking about his return last week.
The Top 12 come out to sing in all white outfits. It’s another pathetic and lethargic lip sync job. The choreography looks like was done by Kate Gosselin. I’m fighting to stay awake already. Maybe No-Doz should have sponsored.
Jennifer Garner visits a mountain community in Kentucky. This looks like the location for Justified. Kentucky must feel really proud knowing this broadcast will get more viewers than the Derby. Save the Children is the focus of this donation moment. Victoria Beckham spent three days in Eastern Kentucky. The photos of make it look liek she spent more on her outfit than the price of the books she gave away. Can people learn to dress properly for a charity mission? She refuses to uncross her legs while we’re supposed to listen to two kids who are helped by the program. Will someone inform Posh Spice that this a poverty plea and not a Vogue cover shoot.
Capt. “Sully” Sullenberger gives out the phone number. Since he’s retired, I don’t feel so safe when flying. Jonah Hill and Russell Brand are brought out to kill time with a phone bank joke. Did Jonah Hill eat Drew Carey? Brand lies about who is on their celebrity phone bank. This piece is dying as fast as Casey James doing his tribute to Mariah Carey. The phone bank is empty cause Jonah’s email address has Viagra in it. He’s the victim of filters. Hahahaha…..pfffffft.
Ryan takes us to the 7 finalists on the sofa. There’s a rumor they won’t cut anyone like they did during the first charity episode when eventual winner Jordin Sparks was voted off, but given a reprieve. The second time they hinted they’d wouldn’t eliminate anyone, but Australian heartthrob Michael Johns was given the ax. Will there be hope at the end of tonight’s show?
The Black Eye Peas come out to do “Rock that Body.” They want to rock right now, but it sounds like they just want to give me directions to their mailbox. They have female dancers looking like robot women on Lost In Space. If they want to rock right now – then shut up and do it. Ryan takes us to a Malaria hospital in Uganda, We watch a pregnant women die in the hospital when she couldn’t make it in time. The clash of the crass Peas with this heartbreaking woman’s death is rubbing me wrong.
Ryan talks about an online auction with the prize being the winner getting to announce the results. He announces the winner. Don’t believe the hype. It’s George Lopez. George is funny when he sends Ryan away to host one of his other four shows. George has the kids stand up. He has them sit down and announce that he’s going to judge the judges. He grills Randy for his over use of pitchiness. He tells Kara to think and formulate her own thoughts. Randy’s safe since he’s the only brother on the show. He gets Kara for her mantra of “I wanted you to make it your own.” He praises her nude photo layout while calling her Klara. Ellen gets reduced to the Kourtney Kardashian of the panel. Simon gets told to wear a large t-shirt. America has voted to send him back to England, but the volcano in Iceland has grounded the flight. George gives way to the Ford music video. The kids are on the New York backlot causing accidents with the Matrix bullet time effect.
Turns out the kids weren’t really safe. Ryan will be eliminating. Crystal Bowersox and Casey James are brought out the middle of the stage. One of them will be in the bottom three. Casey James is on the bar stools of doom! Aaron Kelly and Lee DeWyze are next to face off on the stage. Aaron Kelly is also sent off to the bar stool of doom. We won’t know of the other three’s fate since Jeff Beck and Joss Stone must perform “I Put a Spell on You.” Jeff has metal cuffs around his arm that make him look he’s been doing a Keith Richards workout tape. Jeff Beck is one of the greatest guitarists alive. Dig out your father’s copy of Blow By Blow or Beckology. He really needs a better stylist. He wears the clothes Duran Duran rejected during the ‘80s. Joss matches up with Jeff’s notes.
We return to Africa where we meet a newborn whose mother died during child birth. Kara is amongst them giving bottled water to a baby.
The kids go nuts for Morgan Freeman. He talks about improving the education system by putting PE back in schools. Randy Jackson takes us to Mississippi. Save the Children has been helping the depressed area with education and nutritional programs. He gets to hang with Morgan in the area. This shows Morgan is still in touch with his greatest character: The Electric Company‘s Easy Reader.
Alicia Keys comes out to do Empire State of Mind Part 2. Another sequel arrives in time for the summer. She’s pitchy, dawg. She’d be bottom three if she did this last night. Her outfit looks like it was picked by Jeff Beck’s stylist. Halfway through her sound guy turns on the autotune. The song resorts to telling the audience to put their hands in the air. Now she sings about New York as a concrete jungle that will inspire you. My trip to New York inspired me to fear people since I know they all expect to be tipped. Did you know you’re supposed to tip your mugger twenty percent?
Jonah Hill and Russell Brand are brought back to kill more time. They have a bunch of celebrity impersonators. They really do have Slash from Guns ‘N Roses. Tatiana Del Toro and the Octomom also work the phone bank. Jim Carrey arrives in goofy glasses. He bolts when he sees the D-List crew. It’s not surprising to see Slash there since he’s the Steve Allen of his generation. He’ll appear at kid birthday parties and kindergarten graduations. Did you know you have to hire his hat separately for live appearances? Carrie Underwood sings. The song is about donating to children charities that advertise on TV. At least it ties in with the theme of the evening.
Ellen goes to Monrovia to visit with David Arquette at a food bank for Feeding America. One of the families using the service is a math teacher who can’t make ends meet. This does say something weird about our economy where we talk about education being the key to success in America. Yet here’s an employed teacher who needs help to put food on his table.
Ryan has warned us that this show is going to go late. I blame it on Jonah Hill and Russell Brand’s terminal unfunniness.
Ryan interviews Bill and Melinda Gates. Turns out Melinda is the smoother talker of the couple. How comes Bill Gates didn’t focus his charity’s resources on a cure for Windows Vista? Think how many kids could have been saved with nets and vaccines if he hadn’t burned millions on that confusing ad campaign with Jerry Seinfeld. What was the point of the clown shoes? Why no talk about people scarred by Windows ME? When will they get relief from their flashbacks of the blue screen of death?
Wanda Sykes is dressed in white as if she’s the 13th Finalist. She rags on Simon for being bored and playing with his chest. She’s copying my riff about the final song after they kick a kid off the show. She talks about why they sing the song America didn’t like in the first place. Is she secretly Carlos Mencia?
Siobhan Magnus, Michael Lynche and Tim Urban are brought out to the front of the stage. Who of the trio will be sent to the last bar stool of doom. Tim smiles during the negative reviews. Siobhan is sent back to the sofa. Michael Lynche is safe. Tim Urban is in the bottom three with Casey James and Aaron Kelly.
David Cook comes out with a haircut that looks like he survived a Flo-Bee. He paid money to be attacked by clippers? He takes us to Ethiopia where girls get married at five years old to survive. It’s a sex trade heaven. He visits a school supported by the United Nations to help these girls get out.
In a heart breaking segment, we meet a seven year old African girl. Her battle with AID has left her with the same weight as a one year old. Annie Lennox is with her. She does her best to comfort the kid. There’s a break in the footage. Annie takes us back to meet the child. Her drug treatment has worked. She’s put on weight. This is a semi-happy story. Annie is stuck in England because of the Icelandic volcano shutting own European air travel. They run footage of Annie singing. She knows how to tug on the heart.
Mary J. Blige leads an onslaught of musicians who have popped up this season for “Stairway to Heaven.” Why is this inspirational? Why do go from the honest and sincere moment of Annie Lennox to this rock star moment? Randy Jackson is on bass. This really blows the sentiment of the night with the bombast. Kids are dying and this is what they want to unload on us now? Way to just undercut the emotion, Simon Fuller.
Simon Cowell goes to Douglas, Arizona which is one of the poorest places in America. A pediatrician drives around in a giant RV so that he can visit several communities. He treats 5,000 kids thanks to the Children’s Health Project. How much of Simon’s cash is getting donated to the fine doctor? He’s barely been doing any work this season.
Sir Elton closes out the night with a message about his AIDS foundation. He sits down at the piano to give us “Your Song.” Less said about Queen Latifah at this point is best.
They just ran an ad for Get Him to the Greek with Sean Combs, Jonah Hill and Russell Brand. It looks worse than the telethon sketch.
Now after all the human suffering, we’re back to wondering if Tim Urban will survive another round. Shania Twain will be the mentor and her catalog the theme. Ryan will send Aaron Kelly to the sofa first. Casey and Tim stand shoulder to shoulder. Ryan gives us the hard news: Tim Urban’s run is over. It was fun while it lasted. We’ll miss Tim. Guess they could call this Idol Pays Back. Are they not going to let Tim have one final serenade to America? He gets his goodbye clip and the show ends. No farewell? The judges got their wish of eliminating Tim. They’re still stuck with Aaron and Casey. We’ll be missing Tim until he returns for the final show. Maybe one of the Idol Gives Back charities should be Tim Urban Renewal?
