Every day Robert Saucedo shines a spotlight on a movie either so bad it’s good or just downright terrible. Today: Now with kung-fu grip!
Last summer G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was unleashed upon unsuspecting moviegoers across the country.
This jingoistic jamboree of cinematic cacophony was an adaptation of the popular toy line and cartoon series about a paramilitary group of solders that protect the world against deformed maniacal would-be world conquerors and other assorted villains that could only be created in a children’s toy line.
While turning a cartoon series into a motion picture is nothing new, this recent trend of transforming popular children’s toys into major Hollywood franchises such as Transformers is a great new advancement in the “selling kids more crap” business.
As much as I love and respect Pixar, its hard not to grow a little jaded when I see commercials for the upcoming Toy Story 3 chock-full of brand-name toys — assembly the byproduct of licensing deals and corporate synergy.
I have to ask, though, why stop at soldiers with kung-fu grip or geometrically confused robots? There is a wide world of toys that would be perfect for making the leap from the playroom to the big screen. Are you listening, Hollywood because it’s me, Robert, and I have some ideas for your next blockbuster.
Hula Hoop: The Motion Picture
James P. Hoopmeister is a man born with a gift — the uncanny ability to swivel his hips in a near-perfect rhythmic fashion. Like the fabled Shakira, Hoopmeister’s hips don’t lie and the tale they are singing out in a chorus of unadulterated truthiness is that the Earth is in dangerous orbit of slipping out of its orbit thanks to the unprecedented rise in obesity within American borders. With the weight of the world on his hips, Hoopmeister must rally the country in a marathon of hip-swerving Hula Hooping in order for the country to shed those all-to-important pounds and right the world’s balance before it tilts its way into the path of an incoming meteor. Will Hoopmeister succeed? Can he save the world before it’s crushed under its own hefty waistline? Watch for Hula Hoop: The Motion Picture — hula hooping into to a theater near you.
My Little Pony: Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Ponies?
All Igneous Appleduke wanted to be when he grew up was a horse jockey. Although his soul was all to willing, his flesh was born much to small — even by horse jockey standards. Too tiny to successfully ride a full-grown horse, Igneous was prepared to give up on his dreams and resign himself to a life as a professional Christmas Elf impersonator when he discovered the underground world of illegal pony rodeos. Lured into the dangerous lifestyle, Igneous becomes a little rebel with even smaller cares — throwing caution to the wind with his reckless pony riding escapades. Will Igneous smarten up before he meets the same lifestyle all pony jockeys encounter (trampled by very small, very cute hooves)? Only time (and a ticket bought for My Little Pony: Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Ponies?) will tell.
Silly Putty: The Theatrical Experience
Pretty much an identical (if slightly stretched and pinkish copy) of the same movie that played right before. Plus, it’ll bounce!
Robert Saucedo can’t wait for Ball in Cup: The Motion Picture. Follow him on Twitter @robsaucedo2500.
