Bad Movies Done Right — Horat

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Every day Robert Saucedo shines a spotlight on a movie either so bad it’s good or just downright terrible. Today: Make liquid explosion in your pants!

There are few things as in life as pointless as watching a soft-core version of a hard-core porno — especially one that bills itself as a parody of Sacha Baron Cohen’s 2006 comedy Borat.

The soft-core version of Horat: The Sexual Learnings of America for Make Benefit Beautiful Nation of Kaksuckistan serves one great function (well, besides the obvious) — it was a great summary of everything I hate about most modern porno films.

Filled with trashy people who I wouldn’t spit on for fear of splashback spittle infecting me with hepatitis, cheaply shot footage unworthy of a local public access television station, and an unimaginative script that thinks all you need is a glue-on mustache and a half-hearted attempt to ape an accent to qualify as a parody, the movie uses the occasional unfunny Borat parody as a means for moving the movie along its paint-by-numbers sexual recipe. There’s the lesbian scene, the bit with the black prostitute, sexy utilization of mental retardation, and of course the bear-rape scene.

Wait, what?

That’s right. Do you remember in Borat when the pair of clueless Kazakhstani reporters bought a bear? Well, in Horat there are a few scenes in which a man in a Bear-gimp costume comes out of nowhere to simulate-rape young nubile girls.  Or at least that’s what I think I remembered happening because truth be told, I kind of zoned out a bit during the film’s hour and a half running time.

With the world of Internet making porn available in bite-sized, consumption-ready bits, filmmakers who attempt a full-length pornographic cinematic adventure are challenged into doing something unique with its structure — inviting audiences to sit through the entire movie instead of just flipping to the chapters they want to masturbate to at that particular time.

Horat fails because the structure of the film linking the soft-core sex scenes are just not that funny or entertaining — unless you are into pretty, if trashy, girls squatting on the ground and pretending to poop. And I know there are quite a few of you out there who fit this bill.

For those of you who may not be experts in the pornographic arts, many studios release soft-core versions of their more noteworthy pornos because they can be sold or rented in mainstream stores like Best Buy or Blockbuster. These soft-core pornos take the original, hardcore versions and edit out any penetration shot or close-ups of genitals.

So, in movies like Horat, what you’re getting is basically plenty of shots of boobs and men’s asses as they pound away at their dates. It’s basically like watching an action movie but whenever something exciting happens, you see the explosions from a helicopter 40 miles away.

In the world of Horat, sororities travel across the country in their Wannabangos, picking up homeless-looking foreign correspondents. One at a time, they will take turns having sex with him as he cracks lame jokes in a horrendous accent. The sisters not partaking in the carnal pleasures will watch with joy. The audience, unless their hands are shoved deep into their pants, will watch with growing boredom.

Robert Saucedo isn’t a monk. He’s just not a fan of bad pornos. Follow Robert on Twitter @robsaucedo2500.

Robert Saucedo is an avid movie watcher with seriously poor sleeping habits. The Mikey from Life cereal of film fans, Robert will watch just about anything — good, bad or ugly. He has written about film for newspapers, radio and online for the last 10 years. This has taken a toll on his sanity — of that you can be sure. Follow him on Twitter at @robsaucedo2500.