On tap this week: The Adventures of Beardie McDateRape, The Life of Brian and Monty Python related hijinks, the FCC to allow for more awesomeness and slightly much more!
One of the perks of playing proper football is that sometimes you have to come off the pitch for a breather. And it allows me to impart some of “Magic 8-Ball of Offensively Hilarious Crap” that spews forth. A short while back marked the beginnings of the outdoor season in the greater Chicagoland area; because of the extended fall/winter that gives us six months of the year that make most outdoor sporting events inaccessible, outdoor is a season. As opposed to other places in the country where you can play outdoors all year round. It’s a quirk about this area, I guess. And this year I’m on a new team with the same manager from the past couple years, making it all more interesting.
She was complaining about the team we were currently taking a beating from and pointed to one of their players as being someone she didn’t like. I played against this team many times over the years in different places, so there was a familiarity. The guy she pointed out had grown a beard recently and I found the best/worst way to refer to him:
“You mean Beardie McDateRape over there?”
He looked right out central casting. Not like with “The World’s Most Interesting Man” type of beard (which, for the record, is the most awesome beard ever) but like the guy who’d get cast opposite Candace Cameron in 1995 in a LifeTime film made for television where she gets date-raped. Don’t ask me which one because she made like a half dozen of them starting with Zack Morris as the designated rapist. It’s just like being the designated hitter for the Brewers, but with less sodomy. Her career really crashed once she got into that racket; once you’ve gone from being raped on screen by Mark-Paul Gosellar to Gary Coleman you know the best days of being a child or teen actor are behind you.
It was her or John Stamos, I’m not sure but I remember it being someone from Full House and the guy looked like he wouldn’t have minded raping either. And for a moment I pictured him on the prowl, setting up for his next rape like he was Dexter Morgan. He has the death metal version of “Eye of the Tiger” on his iPod and British government supplied Viagra in his system (in Britain even pedophiles can defeat erectile dysfunction). The “Eye of the Tiger” cover exists by a metal band that does these covers called Ten Masked Men. Don’t believe me?
And then I got an even worse thought in my head. Death metal is inspiring in a totally random way, I’ve found.
Beardie McDateRape sounds like an 18th century pirate, too. Not like an awesome one, or a bad one, but one that was like decent at what he did and a really nice guy to his men, too, but was always a stepping stone to a more lucrative career. It’s like working at a small I.T. company for a while and learning the ropes from a boss who is willing to teach people he works for things they can use for their career and then taking that experience to go work for Microsoft. Like Captain McDateRape had a small pirate vessel that he used to rob small ships in the Caribbean, staying enough off the radar that his crimes were always blamed on more famous pirates but those in the trade would know. And guys would work for him for years to learn how to be a proper pirate and then move to like BlackBeard’s ship for the money. Like if you’re a pirate who’s been around and served for all the major names, it sounds like the guy who may not have paid the best but was probably the nicest guy. I imagine you get a bunch of old, retired pirates together at the retirement home on the docks and they all discuss their old, dead bosses. And there’d be that one guy who worked for EVERYONE and they all gathered around to hear what he thought.
I imagine he’d be all like “You know, Jack Sparrow was a great pirate but he paid poorly and really didn’t have the best ship. And Blackbeard paid the best but he wasn’t the nicest of guys. I tell you, the one who I wish I could serve for again was Captain Beardie McDateRape of the S.S Flunitrazepam, Pay wasn’t the best, but he was such a great boss. Could sack a city like no other, too, and I learned so much about pirating from the man. I wouldn’t have made first mate by 35 with Captain Murderface if I hadn’t spent those three years working for him.”
And you know what? He’d be a great third mic on a local sports talk show, too. I mean I’d totally listen to “Mike, Mike and Beardie in the Morning” as they talk about the Bears’ third round draft pick, Vinny Del Negro’s firing and maybe discuss what they think of Alfonso Soriano’s batting average. Or he’d be like a sidekick for some Glenn Beck wannabe, railing on about how the dirty hippie in the White House is really a filthy Communist and whatnot. I could maybe see Beardie McDateRape as like the wacky guest on Tuesdays for some third rate Howard Stern wannabe, talking about how he used to be a pimp but now he found God and is preaching from the pulpit but still has all these great stories about pimp-slapping a ho for backtalk so hard it left a permanent mark and/or providing hookers and Viagra to Charlie Sheen by the truckload.
And it’s thoughts like that which probably keep me from being a feminist’s best friend and/or kept me out of the good colleges.
Random Thoughts of the Week
The end of movie theaters? Maybe, if you’re one of those doomsayer types, but it opens itself up for a really interesting proposition,
For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, and haven’t heard, the FCC just okayed it for movie studios and distributors to be able to show first run films on home television. So Iron Man 2 could’ve been on my massive 56 inch HDTV on Friday as opposed to having to go to the movie theatre, for example. But instead of predicting gloom and doom, I think this might be one of the best things to happen to American cinema.
Listen to me now and believe me later.
Why? Well, it gives the indie world a whole new avenue of finding an audience, that’s for sure. Part of the reason why the art house circuit can be frustrating is that you have to be near a major area to be able to experience the small run pictures. One of the perks of Chicago, and one of the reasons why I don’t think I could ever leave, is because there are a handful of art house cinemas around here. Those up in my old stomping grounds in Green Bay, Wisconsin, only get to see the indie films is to drive 100 miles plus to Milwaukee or 150 over the border (even more if you go north to Minneapolis), or wait for it to be released onto DVD if it doesn’t get a release into more markets as part of a platform release.
Imagine that someone in Cheyenne, Wyoming, wants to see Ca$h with Sean Bean because they’re a big fan. Under yesterday’s system they’re screwed because they’d have to pray like hell it’ll open out there in the near future. Since that won’t happen, they have to wait for a DVD release (if it makes its way to DVD) while someone in Barrington, IL, could see it in theatres now. Now, with this ruling, they could spend that same 10$ to see an indie film like Ca$h on their home entertainment system. Instead of having to wait, it’s the immediacy of it that could be a huge boon for smaller films trying to find an audience.
Now the thing people are focusing on is that big first run films (summer blockbusters like Iron Man 2, for example) will find their way onto televisions and thus eradicate the movie theatre business. That’s not going to happen; the movie theatre has its place in Americana. The drive-in disappeared because people wanted more choices, but the multiplex stays afloat because it’s a great social gathering place. Part of the allure of the night out for people everywhere is “dinner and a movie,” and that’ll never go away.
What this will do is eliminate those people who love film but can’t stand the theatre experience from going out. You can spend a night at the movies at home without dealing with the overpriced popcorn, annoying teenagers and people yapping on their mobile phones if you want to sometime in the foreseeable future. All for probably the same ticket price as you’d spend to get into the place.
Radio didn’t die because of television in the same way newspapers didn’t die because of radio. Will this mean that a number of theatres will go out of business? Maybe, but theatres have a way of adapting alternate income streams over the years. Ticket prices can’t be raised over a certain amount for people to come out en masse. But I remember a theatre I used to go to back when I lived in Evanston, IL, that had a full service bar and dining establishment built into the place. And the theatre I went to see a preview of American Gangster had one as well, and this one served food with your movie if you so desired. Business adapts and as such movie theatres will do so as well.
Besides that, people still want to see movies on the large movie screen. There’s a comfort to it that a private screening room or a television just can’t take away. Avatar was never touted as a great film by plenty of people; it was a great experience. And that’s what can’t be duplicated at home. All this is going to do is allow studios to find another revenue stream and find audiences for those who normally would not indulge.
A Movie A Week – The Challenge
This Week’s DVD – The Life of Brian
Three residences ago I picked up the new special edition of The Life of Brian as a celebration of leaving one and moving into another. And I never watched it. I’ve seen the film a ton of times over the years and yet I never found time to sit down and watch the DVD with the revamped a/v and the new fonking extras. Thank God for gimmick column ideas or else I probably never would have, either.
Originally joked around as “Jesus Christ – Lust for Glory,” the film was the follow up to what I’ve always thought to be the funniest film ever made: Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It’s a rather bold undertaking: a Biblical comedy.
Brian (Graham Chapman) is born on the same night as Jesus of Nazareth in the manger next door. The film follows Brian as he goes through life in the shadow of Jesus under Roman occupation, becoming an unwilling messiah of sorts. Life of Brian mainly exists to riff on two things: organized religion and the Biblical epics of yesteryear. Brian rambles his way through the 30 some years of Jesus Christ, ending up crucified and unable to save himself even with one of the great song finales of them all. And it’s gloriously hilarious, riffing on
Strongest recommendation possible.
What Looks Good This Weekend, and I Don’t Mean the $2 Pints of Bass Ale and community college co-eds with low standards at the Alumni Club
Just Wright – A famous basketball player (Common) and his trainer (Queen Latifah) have a romance after he blows his knee out and his trophy wife (the lesbian counselor from Precious) leaves him.
See It – Probably garbage, but it does have two good actors in the lead.
Letters to Juliet – Another Nick Sparks novel come to life.
Skip It – If you’re dragged to this, at least play the Nick Sparks Drinking Game
Robin Hood – Russell Crowe goes “Medieval Maximus” with a bow.
See It – Probably a low-rent Gladiator, but Ridley Scott & Russell Crowe have made a ton of excellent films together already so I presume if anything this will be at least Body of Lies good.
Do you have questions about movies, life, love, or Branigan’s Law? Shoot me an e-mail at Kubryk@Insidepulse.com and you could be featured in the next “Monday Morning Critic.” Include your name and hometown to improve your odds.
