The Satire is a fictional piece of writing. None of it, to the knowledge of me or anybody on staff, is true. While the events depicted in this article may sound very true given the knowledge of principles and practices going on in the wrestling world, we must say with an extra sad face that all of this is more make believe than the wrestling itself.
The anonymous Raw General Manager has had his identity revealed as of midnight Monday night when a reporter for the Satire office hacked into the WWE mainframe and stolen the e-mail contact list from the Monday Night Raw e-mail, firstname.lastname@example.org. While our anonymous source was browsing the Contact List (Go Brad!), he discovered one e-mail address that seemed very out of the ordinary.
The source e-mailed the address the following transcript:
“It is safe to talk, I am not an informant. What are the plans for Monday?”
It did not take long for an auto-response to kick in and, just as we thought, it was the person we all expected it to be. The following is the auto-response transcript:
“Dixie Carter will be out of the office for the following week in order to focus more direction on false tweets feigning huge surprises. Vince will never know what hit him *wink, wink* *nudge, nudge* TTYL, the Raw GM and TNA Owner. I mean, forget the Raw GM part as that isn’t me. Dixie”
This response did not surprise neither us or our secret informant Brad. Instead, it makes very much sense as the WWE have been creating a series of unthinkable errors in the weeks past. If we need to document said errors here, our loyal readers must not have been paying very much attention. However, all of the pieces for this being a Dixie Carter debut in World Wrestling Entertainment are there:
1. Hiding behind an electronic device.
2. Claiming to know what the fans want.
3. Create an annoyance inside the building without even being seen by the crowd.
4. Making absolutely no sense.
And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. While we have not contacted Dave Meltzer or that annoying Pulse Glazer fellow to confirm, we believe that Dixie Carter has signed a 10-year, $700 contract with World Wrestling Entertainment in order to infiltrate the organization, steal wrestling superstars, and make her company a wrestling titan. Unfortunately it wasn’t until after the fine-print was signed that she was informed that she can no longer work for Total Nonstop Action, a contractual note that she skimmed across while adding pink hearts and smiley faces to the border of said contract.
For those fans out there wondering why there was not a surprise at Victory Road on Sunday, it is all but confirmed that this is due to the unintentional double cross performed by Dixie Carter against the company that she has ownership of. The Pay-Per-View was able to stand on its own two feet without her though, containing enough letdowns that the eventual letdown she was set to provide was not needed.
Many wrestlers are excited to have her on board. Potential endeavored wrestlers must be seeing this as an opportunity to get to know their future boss firsthand before getting tossed off of the gravy train. This has explained the smiles seen across the faces of Primo Colon, Hornswoggle and Curt Hawkins over the past weeks since the new Raw General Manager took control of the show.
Neither Eric Bischoff or Hulk Hogan could be contacted for comments however an nWo sign was spraypainted across the sign of TNA offices two days ago. This leads the Satire to believe that another failed takeover will ensue, destroying a company from the inside once again while the owner is working for the competition, presumably once again. More on this news as it breaks!
Tags: curt hawkins, Dave Meltzer, dixie carter, Eric Bischoff, Hornswoggle, Hulk Hogan, nWo, primo colon, Raw, TNA, WWE