Before I get started…
Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Mundo. Rey Mundo. I was the TNA Impact recapper for a month and change until I was bitch-slapped by life.
Now, I won’t go into the gory details because, well, it’s depressing. What I can tell you, dear reader, is that things are looking up. But, since I disappeared for over a month, I figure I owe you guys an explanation.
My father retired back in July after he was unceremoniously let go by an evil bitch of a boss. This came at a non non-heinous time, and money has been tight. How tight? So tight that cable and internet got shut the heck off, hence why I couldn’t cover Impact. Sure, I could’ve YouTubed it, but honestly, the clips were so short that the Spoiler Reports had just as much detail as I could’ve put in.
Anyway, a couple of weeks after that, I turned 30. The celebration was cut short because I had to take an emergency trip to Florida. My Mom’s mother has Alzheimer’s, and the trip was of the “I want you guys to see her while she still recognizes you” variety.
Cable was turned back on about a week or two after I returned, and while I caught the Impact that week (the go-home show for the No Surrender PPV), I really wasn’t in any place I could jot notes in my phone and then type them up. Too much stuff happening at home, as my father’s medicaid was denied and his treatment for Prostate Cancer was delayed (still hasn’t started).
So, as it does with us all, real life beat the crap out of me for a while.
However…
This past week saw many, many good things happen to us and to/for me. I got to see Eminem and Jay-Z’s Yankee Stadium show (at which KanYe West came out and I screamed louder than Reneke does when he’s complaining about WWE Instant Replay), I am part of a PodCast team with my friend Dom, some of the social services benefits my father applied for started to come in, and I was the recipient of some new living room furniture courtesy of Hardcore Legend and TNA performer, Mick Foley.
No, seriously.
That being said, life is on an upswing and my father and I are buckling down for the coming Autumn, and preparing for the fight against cancer that will be starting in (we think) January.
Now if I could only get my hot, awesome, fun friend Vanessa to make out with me, THEN life would be super sweet. Mmm…
…
…but I digress.
I might never get the hang of posting my Impact recaps on Thursday nites or Fridays (maybe after we get our friggin’ lap top outta hock–sexy? no. true? yes.), but you can count on the recap either the following Saturday or Sunday, something to keep you entertained during halftime of football games (Go Gators! Go Giants! Go Jets!) or on lonely Saturday nites.
Also, I’d like to thank Matthew Michaels, Pulse Editor Extraordinaire, and Pulse Glazer, omnipresent Pulse content supplier, for their continued support and patience.
I’d also like to thank Dr. TNA and the rest of the folks at Pulse for holding down TNA news and opinion without trying to snag the recap job. I appreciate you guys letting me keep my spot.
Lastly, I’d like to shout out Will Pruett, master of the gratuitous plug (no shots, Willie–your blog keeps me company at work), Mark Allen, and my Pulse man-crush, Andy Wheeler for their continued work. Reading your columns made me miss how much fun this gig can be, and kept my desire to contribute going strong.
So, without further ado, let’s check in with that rag-tag group of rebels comin’ Straight Outta Orlando and see what those crazy MoFos are up to.
Suspension of Disbelief begins…now!
The TNA Impact episode for Thursday, September 16th, 2010 starts off with clips from their “No Surrender” pay-per-view. They open with clips of the epic Jeff Hardy vs Kurt Angle match, blending match highlights with post-match commentary. They had some cool bits with Kurt talking about a rib injury, and Hardy talking about how, after the injury was sustained, he thought he was only one more Swanton Bomb away from winning the match, only to have Kurt kick out of two more.
Gotta admit, I like these “reality” vignettes. Also, I get what they were doing with the No Contest at the end of the match. C’mon son, give them credit for finding an interesting take on “No Contest”. Bit ends with Kurt Angle saying that he wants another shot at Jeff Hardy.
Today’s episode is entitled, “One More Time.”
We are denied fireworks, shots of screaming fans, and homemade signs, because Impact begins with Angle and Hardy already in the ring. Jeff Hardy’s face is only 1/2 painted tonite, and I think that’s cool, but if Jim Carrey comes out in a tight green leotard, I’m changing channels to Jersey Shore and getting my fist pump on.
Eric Bischoff comes out with Miss Tessmacher, whom I love more than I love stuff that I love. While Easy-E and Hopefully Easy Miss T make their way out, they show the other half of the TNA World Title Tournament Semi-Finals, with Mr. Anderson defeating “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero. They show clips of a sick Kurt Angle cut, as well as Jeff Hardy in the ankle lock.
Bischoff has the microphone, and he congratulates Mr. Anderson and tells him that he will, indeed, be competing for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Bischoff goes on to say that both Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy have put on the most intense match Bischoff has seen in his 24 years in the wrestling business…and WCW.
Eric says it’s an honor to be in the ring with them and asks for a round of applause for Hardy and Angle. Bischoff says the TNA Championship Committee can’t pick a winner, but after conferring with them and Hulk Hogan, he’s decided that Mr. Anderson will take on both Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle in a Three Way Dance. Also, because I don’t have a joke here, I just put a plastic Hawaiian Lei around my neck. It’s orange, and it really brings out the “I Might Have Too Much Free Time” in my eyes.
Our announcers, Taz “Tazz” Tazington and Mike “This Works For The Both Of Us” Tenay approve of the match choice. Just then, Dixie Carter comes out, all cougariffic and hot. Dixie says she wants to say how proud she was of Angle and Hardy. She says they gave everything they had and never let up, never stopped. A “Thank You Both” chant starts up, and Dixie goes on to say that their No Surrender match was her favorite match in TNA, even tho’ she knows no one was happy with the outcome.
Dixie says she’s going to steal a move from Hulk Hogan, but rather than drop a leg on Bischoff, she says she’s going to overturn a decision. She then, um, overturns the decision Bischoff just made. Dixie says that instead of a three way dance, Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy will face each other tonite in a No Time Limit match, where there must be a winner, who will then face Mr. Anderson for the vacant TNA World Championship on October 10th, 2010, at their next pay-per-view, “Bound For Glory.”
*Rick Moranis voice*
“Everybody got that?”
We cut backstage with “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero, who says he’s gonna talk to Eric Bischoff. He calls the announcements made B.S., and then runs into Sting and Kevin Nash. Pope says he’s gonna talk to Bischoff about what happened in the ring, and then goes off to find Eric.
We are then treated to our first commercial break of the evening. That danged Rhapsody couple is back. I’m less bitter about seeing a dumb guy with a cute chick in a commercial, but I’d still like to Black Hole Slam them.
The broadcast returns, and I take off the plastic orange lei. Tommy Dreamer is at a gas station in *wink, nudge* Yonkers, and a camera man asks, based on last week, where E.V. 2.0 is going to go. Dreamer replies that maybe it’s time to go home, and then drives away. Fun Fact? He was driving a Hyundai. See? It’s in depth reporting like that you were missing while I was gone and Kelly Floyd Brand was yammering on about Superstars.
We’re back in the Impact Zone, and the Wolfpac music hits. Wow, I can’t believe they have the rights to that. Nice touch. Anyway, “Big Sexy” Kevin Nash is out with “The Icon” Sting at his side. His opponent is Samoa Joe, who is out with Jeff Jarrett. There’s a “Joe!” chant, and we get ready fo’…
“Big Sexy” Kevin Nash vs “Slightly Rotund Sexy” Samoa Joe
Nash opens up with some knees, some punches, and some elbows. Nash gets Joe in the corner and lands some more knee strikes. Ya know… All these knees made me think “Sagat from Street Fighter II”, and that made me think that if Kevin Nash and Samoa Joe were combined, and lost an eye, you’d basically have Sagat. We need to get the boys from In-Gen on the phone and make it happen. Ti-ger!
Joe gets tossed into the ropes and Nash misses two clotheslines. Joe lands a kick and a clothesline, and this prompts the TNA Audience to drone on with “Joe’s Gon-Na Kill You!” sing-songy chant. I hates that rabbit. Er, chant. Anyway, Joe tosses Nash into the turnbuckle and follows it up with an elbow and a kick. He stomps Nash to the apron, goes to kick him while he’s down, but Nash rolls to the outside. Nash grabs Joe’s foot, Joe falls to the mat, and Nash smacks Joe’s face against the apron.
Nash hits punches outside, Joe answers back wtih some elbows and then goes to throw Nash into the stairs. Sting stops Joe and then Joe hits Sting. Jarrett and Nash start fighting, and the referee calls for a No Contest. All four men are brawling and it’s BERMIT KERMIT or BOZZIE FOZZIE! or whatever it is Scott Keith says when all hell breaks loose.
The fighting continues, and Tenay says Nash and Sting should spill it. If they have something to say, they should say it. Jarrett hits Nash’s face into the railing, and then chokes Big Sexy. Security comes out and separates them, but Jarrett goes after Sting, then Nash. Joe does the same, and Sting chokes Jarrett. Security has men separated but Nash and Sting punch Jarrett. Jarrett breaks free, hops up to the apron, and then jumps on top of sting.
*exhale*
We then cut backstage, to the locker room, where Lacey Von Erich is in a towel by her locker. Madison Rayne walks in whilst talking to Tara, and says they get title matches because they’re hot. Tara says it’s because they kick ass. Mad-Ray greets Lacey and tells her to get dressed because they have a knockouts title match. Lacey says she hasn’t made up her mind about who she’s siding with–Angelina Love and Velvet Sky or Madison Rayne and Tara. Madison, incredulous, says that she wasn’t the one who laid out Lacey a couple of weeks ago. She says there shouldn’t be any “decisioN” (hear that, LeBron??).
Lacey says the out-laying was an accident. Madison says there are no accidents. Tara and Madison Rayne tell Lacey to get dressed, to stop thinking and not hurt herself. On their way out, Tara says to not think, and just do. Right Said Fred says to don’t talk, just kiss, and Lacey Von Erich looks hurt, conflicted, and hot.
Still to come: Jeff Hardy vs Kurt Angle for the spot in the matcha against Mr. Anderson at Bound For Glory, and an X-Division Title Match between Jay Lethal (yay!) and the champion, Douglas Williams.
We are then treated to our second commercial break of the evening, which I use to prune the hedges of many small villages.
Impact, much like Jafar, has returned. Nash and Sting are backstage and yelling at the camera. Nash says they’re just starting, and that if Jarrett and Samoa Joe thought it was gonna be a match, they were wrong. Nash says it’s gonna be a war. Nash says they might not even make it to 10/10/10 alive. Sting says he told them he’d take the gloves off and he did. He says he’s glad Nash took the gloves off. Sting says he’s just getting started, that they’re having some fun now, and that now it’s starting to get fun. So, to recap: Nash and Sting’s hands are completely uncovered, but Jeff Jarrett and Samoa Joe might die before the next pay-per-view. There’s an OJ Simpson joke in here somewhere…
It’s time for the X-Divison Title Match: (c) Doug Williams vs Jay Lethal!
Lethal is out first, and then they show a recap of TNA Xplosion (why the intentional misspelling? does Vince own every “E”?). Apparently, Lethal got a non-title pinfall on Williams, who, back on the Live-ish Impact, is headed down to the ring.
They trade punches to start, bodyslam by Williams, knee-drop to follow, but Lethal kicks out at almost-one. Williams whips Lethal to the corner and Lethal hits a kick thru the ropes. Williams recovers, nails a gutwrench that gets a 2 count. Williams then clamps on the most dangerous move in the history of our sport, the Polynesian Face Grab. Hold is broken, Williams punches Lethal, follows it up with a European Uppercut, and receives another 2 count for his trouble. Williams sends Lethal into the turnbuckle, tries another pin, gets another 2 count, and then traps Lethal in the Royal Octopus Hold!
Lethal powers out of the RoyOctoHold (if i ever make a cable-movie about a fictional 1930s baseball player, his name will be Roy Octohold, and he’ll play for the Sioux City Squids–Go Fightin’ Inkies!) and hits a punch and a kick before Williams catches him with an elbow. Williams lands a snap suplex because he’s got the power (wait for it… wait for it…). Lethal kicks out at two after the Rhythm is a Dancer-plex, and the crowd busts out a U.S.A. chant.
Lethal comes back with some punches, but Williams catches him in a bow and arrow type submission, followed by a knee to Lethal’s back. The crowd claps rhythmically to get Lethal back into it. Williams heads to the top rope, but Lethal hits a dropkick as Williams was on his way down. Lethal is to his feet first, hits a punch, a chop, and a handspring right into Williams arms. Williams rolls up Lethal, but Lethal turns that into the Lethal Combination which gets a two count. Lethal heads to the top rope but takes his sweet ass time, so when he drops the Macho Man Elbow, Williams moves out of the way.
Williams positions Lethal for the tornado DDT, but Lethal moves. Jay Lethal hits the Lethal Injection outta nowhere, covers Doug Williams, and gets the pin! Jay Lethal is the new X-Divison champion! Confetti fills the Impact ZOne! I give a celebratory “Woo!” and my dog F.R.E.D. looks at me and says, “I thought it was fake…”
Crowd chants “Le-thal! Le-thal!” and Jay goes into the audience to celenrate with the crowd. This is great to see. Happy for Jay Lethal, and it really was a feel good moment.
We go from the sublime to the sinister, as we’re brought backstage to see Abyss dragging someone thru the hallways. This… is creepy.
We are then treated to our third commercial break of the evening. As I see the umpteenth advert for a horror film, it looks like we’re starting Creepy Halloween Movie Season early. I didn’t write down the name of the flick this break, but it looked neat enough, except the villain’s voice sounds like Super Shredders. No thanks!
The show be all kindsa back on, and a plug for “Bound For Glory” is shown. I kinda wish I could go to this.
We’re backstage with Kurt Angle. He says Jeff Hardy went the distance and proved that he was a great wrestler. Angle says that even tho’ he has dislocated ribs he’s ready to go and that he’s a champion. He says Hardy isn’t a champion. Angle says he’s going to win and go onto “Bound For Glory” because he *is* TNA. It’s Real, It’s Damn Real.
It’s now time for the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship match! (c) Hamada and Taylor Wilde vs Madison Rayne and Angelina Love!
Madison Ray makes her way out on the back of Tara’s cycle. Um, MOTORcycle, with Lacey Von Erich walking behind them. Lacey jumps into the ring, looking hot while doing so. Madison Rayne shakes her booty whilst getting into the ring. Tara takes it upon herself to smack said booty, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. That’s just good wholesome family booty smacking. Tara then gives Madison Rayne a peck on the lips, and I love it. That’s just good wholesome family sapphic entertainment.
Out next are the champions, Taylor Wilde and Hamada. Taylor Wilde is hot in a non-trashy way, and Hamada… Um… Hamada has a great personality.
Taylor Wilde and Lacey Von Erich start up the match and a quick roll-up by Wilde gets a two count. Hammer locks are exchanged, then Wilde gets a headlock on Von Erich. Hamada gets tagged in and goes for a top rope sunset flip. Flippy Dippy gets a two count, and Lacey tags in Madison Rayne. Mad-Ray lands some forearms, punches, and kicks to Hamada, and then tags Lacey back in.
Lacey hits a back handspring into an elbow but misses when she goes for a second one. Hamada takes over with a bodyslam, then travels to the top rope where she executes a picture-perfect moonsault on Lacey. Moonsault only get a two count. Hamada tags Wilde in, who jumps off the top rope into a high cross body on Lacey. Wilde only gets a 2 count, and Mad-Ray is then tagged in by Wilde.
Mad-Ray punches Wilde, hits some knees, and a “Tay-lor!” chant breaks out. Just then, KanYe West runs out and interrupts the chant to say that the “Joe’s Gon-Na Kill You” chant was the greatest chant of all time. OF ALL TIME!
(i’m not proud of that joke, but it had to be made. IT HAD TO BE MADE!!)
Anyhoo, Rayne hits a clothesline on Wilde, and then Von Erich tags in for a doubleteam suplex on Taylor. Lacey gets a 2 count, then follows it up with a chinlock, but Wilde lands a jaw-jacker to break up the hold. Hamada gets tagged in, kicks Lacey twice, follows it up with a headbutt, and this chick can flat out Go in the ring. Wilde knocks Rayne out of the ring, and then Wilde and Hamada hit a combination samoan drop blockbuster kinda double team move for the pin. Taylor Wilde and Hamada retain their TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship(s).
Post-Match, Madison Rayne comes in and screams at Lacey Von Erich. Lacey apologizes but Mad-Ray just keeps screaming. Lacey shoves Madison down, but Tara jumps her from behind and then hits mounted punches. Just then, Angelina Love and Velvet Sky run down for the rescue. Wow, Sky’s rack is looking extra out-there tonite. Staredown between Tara’n’Madison and Love’n’Sky’n’Von Erich, as well as between me and the enhanced bosom of one Velvet Sky. Love and Sky embrace in the ring, and despite my shouts of “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!”, TNA cuts to a graphic.
Still to come is Angle vs Hardy in a No Time Limit match. Next up is E.V. 2.0’s Tommy Dreamer, walkin’ down to the ring. Tommy walks past the camera man and says “Another personal message from Tommy Dreamer.”
We are then treated to our fourth commercial break of the evening. An advert for that Axe ball cleaning brush or something is shown. That commercial is great. Sophomoric? Certainly, but it’s still funny. Plus, Jamie Pressley is hot, as evidenced in her performances in two of my all time favorite flicks, Can’t Hardly Wait and Not Another Teen Movie. Of course, she did have fake boobs put in, but I’m okay with it.
Bienvenidos al Shotgun Falls! Which is spanish for “Impact is back!” Jeff Hardy is talking to the camera and says that while he was happy with the three way dance, the boss said work, so he’s gotta work. He says he’s gonna do everything in his God-given power to beat Angle and go on to “Bound For Glory.”
Tommy Dreamer is out and while he makes his way down to the ring they show clips from No Surrender. Apparently, A.J. Styles made Dreamer quit by JABBING A FORK IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING EYE. Let me just say: Eww.
Tommy grabs the mic and says that E.v. 2.0 isn’t there. He then asks Fourtune to come out to the ring. Fourtune’s theme song isn’t bad, it just needs higher quality instrumentation. I mean, it’s not done by twanging rubber bands and a recorder, but still. Fourtune comes out and holds up their goofy “Shocker’n’The Thumb” hand symbol, but Ric holds up the Four Horseman “4.”
Beer Money, “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles, Ric Flair, The Blueprint Matt MOrgan and Kazarian are all out there. Dreamer thanks them for coming out. He repeats that E.V. 2.0 isn’t there. He says he’s sick of seeing his friends getting hurt and calls a truce and says it’s over. Tommy says he tried to make a difference, and that TNA is special. He says he’s seen his own company go away and he realizes that Fourtune IS the future of TNA. Tommy says this is his last chance, that he’s just happy to be there and is just looking for a place to call home. I say he goes to America, where there are no cats, and the streets are lined with cheese.
Tommy Dreamer then addresses each member of Fourtune individually. He says Storm had success with America’s Most Wanted, and now with Beer Money. He says his beer bottle gimmick is similar to The Sandman’s, only Storm is better than The Sandman, who is one of Dreamer’s best friends.
Dreamer says he got Kazarian his first job in WWE, but Kaz left because he wasn’t happy. He says the WWE’s loss was TNA’s gain, and that Kaz lucked out because he met his wife in TNA.
(this is a money promo so far, so getcha YouTube on and find it.)
Dreamer moves on to The Blueprint Matt MOrgan. Tommy says he remembers when Morgan was a bouncer. He says he was humble, and then when he was in WWE they said he could be the next Undertaker or Kane. He says that when Morgan came to TNA he made it so that one day someone will be called “The Next Matt Morgan.”
Next up is Robert Roode. He says Roode’s WWE tryout was against Dreamer, and post-match Dreamer offered him a deal with WWE. He says that Roode turned it down to stay in TNA because he believed in it and could help build, and he’s done that. He says that Roode’s two favorites were “Ravishing” Rick Rude and “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig, and if those two were alive they’d say that Roode has got “it.”
Tommy addresses Ric Flair and says that he remembers watching Flair vs Steamboat with his father. He says that Flair was hardcore for bleeing buckets, for wrestling his ass off even though he was missing his family. A “Thank You, Ric!” chant breaks out, and Tommy says that Ric isn’t just the dirtiest player in this business. He says Ric Flair IS this business. He says the day Ric Flair doesn’t walk down that ramp is going to be a sad day and then thanks Ric again.
Last up, Dreamer addresses A.J. Styles. He says Styles did something no one has ever done: He made Tommy Dreamer say he quits. He said Styles made him say I Quit because he was just plain better than Tommy Dreamer. He says he helped everyone up their game. He calls Styles the best in-ring performer in the business today, and that there are no hard feelings because he’d have tried to rip Styles’ eye out too. Once again: Eww.
Dreamer says that the one thing he wanted to do tonite was shake A.J. Styles’ hand and that A.J. was better than Tommy Dreamer.
A.J. has the microphone. He says he appreciates what Dreamer said about fortune. Says it’s commendable. He says if there’s one thing about Dreamer that can be said is that he’s all heart. The crowd responds with a “Tom-my” chant. A.J. says Dreamer turned a south Philadelphia company into a revolution. He says Dreamer never asked for respect, but he got it. Styles continues by saying that Dreamer has earned his respect, and he’ll shake his hand. They shake hands, embrace, and A.J. says there’s one last thing. He asks how many wrestlers made Dreamer say I Quit? There’s just one, A.J. Styles. Styles says he doesn’t need his praise, his endorsement, or him. A.J. punches Dreamer, stomps him, and then Fourtune jumps in to pummell Mr. Dreamer.
Just then, Brian Kendrick jumps into the ring and uses his body as a shield over Tommy Dreamer. Fourtune then starts wailing on Kendrick and then tosses him out of the ring. Kendrick makes his way back into the ring but Styles nails Dreamer. Kendrick covers him again but is stomped further. Security comes in, and Styles says that if Dreamer wanted a Truce, he’s got it. Styles says it’s only over when *he* says it’s over, and then Fourtune leaves.
Kendrick gets up, grabs a microphone, and cuts a batshit crazy promo. He asks if any of Fourtune are brave enough, bold enough, or courageous enough to fight him. He says that Fourtune thrives on intimidation, but his vibrational frequencies are too high for that. He says Fourtune feeds off fear, but his zero point is too great a distance from fear. He says that what Fourtune is/are are low vibration reptilians.
Kendrick says that what he is is a descended god here to stamp out fear, and then asks which member of Fourtune is brave enough, courageous enough, or bold enough to fight him now.
We are then treated to our fifth (5th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to try to figure out if Kendrick’s rant was crazy, or actually brilliant and inspiring. Gotta admit, I’m on the fence here. Also on this break was a trailer for a movie called The Virginity Hit. This film looks beyond stupid, and that’s damning praise coming from a guy who ended up enjoying Soul Plane.
We’re back in the ring on Impact, and apparently The Blueprint Matt Morgan has answered the challenge of Brian Kendrick. It’s The Blueprint Matt Morgan vs Brian Kendrick!
Morgan turns Kendrick inside out with a clothesline and follows it up with a kick to Kendrick’s face. Morgan lands some mounted punches and then kicks Kendrick’s midsection, or as I like to call it, the stomachal region.
Morgan hits some alternating left’n’right elbows on Kendrick in the corner, and follows that up with a running big man splash in the corner. Fallaway slam on Kendrick with a cover, but Morgan lifts Kendrick’s shoulders off the mat at two. Morgan tosses Kendrick into the corner and calls for the Elevator. Just then, Kendrick hits a huge flying kick to Morgan’s face! Morgan hits the mat stunned, Kendrick covers, and gets the pin! Kendrick runs out of the ring, leaving Morgan fuming.
Matt Morgan has the microphone and says Kendrick’s win doesn’t count. He says he wasn’t ready for a match, and that he was competing in a $7,500 Armani suit. Morgan says he wants the match extracted from the books and demands Kendrick come back out to the ring. Morgan says it’s not done, and screams for Kendrick.
We leave the raving of Matt Morgan and head backstage. “”The Pope”” D’Angelo Dinero is in Eric Bischoff’s office. Dinero asks where Bischoff is, and I immediately start drooling whilst staring at Miss Tessmacher. Pope says he’s “feenin'” and then throws some papers around. Miss Tessmacher disapproves, so Dinero apologizes and says to pencil him in for a 10:45. She says Bischoff will be gone by then, and then Pope says he meant her. She says maybe she can squeeze him in, and I can’t help but think that there was some unspoken agreement to fornicate made there.
Still to come is–and you’re never gonna believe this–Jeff Hardy vs Kurt Angle in a No Time Limit match to determine who will face Mr. Anderson for the vacant TNA World Championship at Bound For Glory. Up next is RVD with his first comments since he was attacked by Abyss.
We are then treated to our sixth (6th) commercial break of the evening which I use to fit a penny completely inside my bellybutton. Also, they show highlights of their outdoor live event in then plug their future live events. I wish I could catch them, but times is tough. Maybe the next time they’re at the Westbury Music Fair I’ll catch them.
Impact returns with Abyss in a secluded area backstage. Abyss welcomes two tied up dudes to his Den of Eniquity. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Abyss says that after 10-10-10, everyone will feel the wrath of “Them.” He picks up Janice like he was gonna hit one of the tied up dudes. He then says that Janice would never cheat on him, but behind every good woman is a good man. He says there can’t be a Janice without Bob, who is a freakin’ BRANDING IRON. Abyss then brands one of the dudes and then holds up “Bob”, whose mark is “10-10-10.”
We’re back with Mike Tenay and Taz who are wayyy too calm about Abyss and his attempted murders. Speaking of victims of attempted murder at the hands of Abyss, here’s R.V.D., via telephone. Rob says his recover is more than just him trying to improve. He says he’s feeling good. He says he’s gonna be back better than ever.
Rob says he wasn’t happy to be stripped of the title, that he had alot of momentum, but TNA had to do what they had to do. He says he still considers himself champion and that there are a lot of people in the TNA universe (uh oh!) do as well. He says he’s been getting a lot of sympathy but he’s a tough guy and he’ll prove it again. He says that regardless of what the doctors say, he’ll be at Impact next week, and nonody can stop him–not the doctors, the airlines, nobody.
Ramblin’ With Rob comes to an end, and out comes Generation Me, who have more than a coincidental amount of “Hardy Boyz” swag to them. Jeremy Buck asks if anyone saw what happened to R.V.D. He says if someone gets injured and can’t defend in 30 days, the title is forfeit. Max says that after what happened to (tag team champion motor city machine guns’) Alex Shelley, we won’t be seeing him for a very long time. Max says that people have to realize that they are Generation Me, and they represent the Me Generation, and says it’s all about us–“us” meaning “them.”
Max says it took the Motor City Machine Guns five years to just barely win the TNA Tag Team Titles. He says Generation Me isn’t there to pay any dues, that they know what they want, they want what they want, and they always get what they want. He says what they want is for Chris Sabin (shelley’s tag team partner) to hand them the TNA Tag Team belts.
Sabin comes out with his title belt and then punches and clotheslines Generation Me. Generation Me then takes over with punches and stomps. They put Sabins’ legs on the top rope and then DDT him down to the canvas. Max Buck says it’s about them, then holds up the tag belt to showboat, then throws it down.
Next up: Kurt Angle vs Jeff Hardy!
We are then treated to our seventh (7th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to fill my bathtub with 60 gallons of lime green jell-o. Don’t ask why. Sometimes you just have to do shit like that.
TNA be back with a clip for “Shore”, coming 10/7. How much do you wanna bet it’s a bunch of Jersey Shore lookalikes? Any takers? Any?
The recap of Angle-Hardy shown at the beginning of Impact is replayed.
It’s now time for Jeff Hardy vs Kurt Angle in a No Time Limit Match!
Jeff Hardy and his awful theme music are out first. Kurt Angle is out next. We get dueling simultaneous Hardy-Angle chants that carry us into a collar and elbow tie-up. Armdrag into armbar by Angle. Jeff into ropes, but then we get another lock-up. Headlock by Angle, then Angle hits a shoulderblock and then clamps on another side headlock. Hardy is up, Angle also up. Kick and punch to Angle, throwsAngle into the post under the bottom rope. Hardy with a sliding dropkick. Angle is on the outside, then Hardy follows him out.
Hardy hits a couple of forearms, then rolls Angle back in. Hardy punches Angle, then hits a faceplant suplex thing that gets a two count. Forearms to Angle’s chest, then Hardy locks in a rear chinlock/clutch thing. Angle elbows out, whips Hardy into the ropes. Angle sidesteps Hardy, Hardy falls to the flo’. Angle hits a slingshot cross body block over the top rope. Just then, Mr. Anderson heads towards the announce position.
We are then treated to our eighth (8th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to write a letter to my Congressman asking him to incorporate France’s Four Day work week. That’s right, folks. Mr. Mundo is civic-minded.
We’re back and immediately witness to a double clothesline. Both men get back up, and Angle hits a couple of clotheslines and then backdrops Hardy. Belly to Belly on Hardy gets two. Kurt goes for the Angle slam but Jeff Hardy blocks it and nails a Twist of Fate! Angle kicks out at 2.
Angle charges Hardy in the corner, Hardy moves, and Angle goes for a moonsault cross body that only gets 2. Angle then puts Hardy in the Ankle lock, and Kurt is busted wide open. Hardy gets out of the ankle lock and kicks Kurt Angle. Hardy goes to top rope, nails a Swanton Bomb, but only gets a two count.
Hardy climbs back to the top and goes for a Whisper in the Wind, but ends up hitting Brian Hebner, referee, because Angle moved. Angle hits an Angle Slam and substitute referee Earl Hebner makes a count, but Hardy kicks out at two. Kurt hits another Angle slam, and Jeff Hardy kicks out again. Kurt punches Jeff in the corner and then…
…we’re out of time!
But!
The match continues on TNA Reaction!
(I’m glad I recorded this. Fair warning: I only recapped the match. After the conclusion I took my ass to bed.)
We’re back, and Angle has Hardy in a body scissors hold with his legs wrapped around Hardy’s midsection, much to the delight of straight women and confused younger males. Dueling alternating “Let’s Go An-Gle!” and “Let’s Go Har-Dy!” chants break out. Angle gets a chinlock on Hardy, Hardy elbows out and hits the ropes but is kneed by Angle.
Mr. Anderson, in the only bit of newsworthy commentary to come from his stint at the broadcast position this match, says if he had his choice, he’d want to face Angle. He says Angle has stated he’d retire if lost a match, and Mr. Anderson wants to do the honors.
Back in the ring, Angle has a rear clutch chin lock, which Hardy elbows out of. Forearms to Angle are followed up witha clothesline in the corner. Hardy goes for that jumping swinging pendulum kick in the turnbuckle, which Mr. Anderson dubs “The Lung Collapser.” I like it!
Lung Collapser gets 2, and then Hardy clotheslines Angle over the top rope. Hardy slams Angle into the railing, then on the stairs. Hardy rolls Angle back in, but Angle grabs a waist lock and hits four or five German Suplexes. Kurt Angle goes for the pin but Hardy says “Nein!” to zat unt keeks out at two.
Angle goes up top but misses a frog splash. Hardy goes for a Twist of Fate but Angle knocks him down and puts him in the ankle lock again. Angle turns the ankle lock into a leg lock. At this point, Brian Hebner comes back in and there are two refs. Both men have leg holds on the other, both men have their shoulders down, and both refs count a pin.
*sigh*
Earl raises Angle’s hand, Brian raises Jeff’s hand, confusion ensues, and out comes Eric Bischoff, even tho’ it’s after 11pm and he was supposed to leave by 10:45pm. I’m usually not a stickler for that stuff, but the finish of this match bugs me. Bischoff grabs the mic and we gotta wait.
We are then treated to our ninth (9th) commercial break of the evening, which I use to teach F.R.E.D. how to do the Cupid Shuffle.
Impact Reaction is back, and we see Eric Bischoff talking to Dixie Carter. Eric then gets in the ring and says he’s never seen two competitors so intense, and that it’s been proven that both men deserve to be in the main event for “Bound For Glory.” Eric then books the three way dance…again.
The Impact run-over portion of Reaction comes to a close. That was kinda not great. The show overall wasn’t bad. Again, linear follow-ups to the PPV and to the Impact prior to this, but to make the match, then unmake it, then make it again? Mmm. I don’t know about that one. We’ll see how it unfolds next week.
This has been Suspension of Disbelief.
Rey Mundo is new to the Internet Wrestling Community, but he makes up for his newness with moxie, gumption, sass, and a whole buncha other old timey phrases that mean “Takes No Shit.”
