Live from the Impact Zone in Orlando, Florida. Mike Tenay and Taz are calling the action.
MATCH #1: Jay Lethal vs. Robbie E w/ Cookie
This is the first of three title bouts for this evening. They start off with some fast paced back and forth, with Lethal maintaining the upper hand. They take it to the floor and Lethal throws Robbie around a bit. Back in the ring Lethal hits a springboard dropkick for two. He goes for the Lethal Combination but Robbie avoids it and hits a Hotshot. Now Robbie takes control and wears Lethal down. After a few minutes Lethal strings together a series of offense, including the handspring back elbow. Lethal gets a sunset flip but Cookie has referee Earl Hebner distracted. Tenay thinks Lethal could have at least gotten a four or five off that, as if matches are often (or ever) won with a sunset flip. Anyway, Lethal dumps Robbie to the floor and wipes him out with a dive. Back in the ring Cookie tries to interfere but it backfires. Lethal hits th Lethal Combination and goes up top but Cookie grabs his leg. That allows Robbie to knock Lethal down and hit a Hangman’s Neckbreaker to get the pin and win the title. THAT’S his finsher?
WINNER, and NEW TNA X-DIVISION CHAMPION – Robbie E
Tenay and West run down the card, and then throw it backstage where Christy Hemme gets words with Mickie James.
MATCH #2: Tara vs. Mickie James
Taz should learn how to talk if he wants to be a wrestling commentator. Mickie is fired up and takes first advantage, knocking Tara to the floor. Back in the ring Tara takes control now, wearing Mickie down with strikes. Mickie comes back with a half crab but Tara reaches the ropes and rolls to the floor. This time Tara pulls Mickie to the floor and beats her up some more. Back in the ring Tara throws Mickie around and taunts her. Mickie fights back and throws Tara to the floor, and then follows her out with a Thesz Press off the apron. Once again back in the ring Tara resumes control. Mickie comes back and goes for the DDT but Tara blocks it and sets Mickie on the top turnbuckle. Tara joins her up there and Tenay and Taz make some lewd comments as the women tumble to the floor and pull each other’s hair. Thrilling. They fight down the aisle and into the crowd. Eventually the referee calls for the bell but the fight continues. Tara breaks a brook on Mickie’s back, and then stands there and lets Mickie hit her with a trash can. Taz tries to put over the brutality or something. Mickie makes her way back to the ring, drops an F-bomb, and then Tara joins her. They start ripping each other’s clothes off while Tenay and Taz really make this feel serious by chuckling and making inappropriate comments. Yeah, that was worth paying for.
WINNER – NO CONTEST, double disqualification
MATCH #3: TNA World Tag Team Title Match – The Motor City Machineguns vs. Team 3D
This is allegedly Team 3D’s last match ever, win or lose. Here’s the breakdown of their 23 World Tag Team Titles – 8x ECW Tag Team Champions, 2x IWGP Tag Team Champions, 1x NWA Tag Team Champions, 2x TNA Tag Team Champions, 1x WCW Tag Team Champions, 1x WWE Tag Team Champions, and 8x World Tag Team Champions.
Alex Shelley and Brother Devon start it off. They go back and forth and Devon hits the spinning back elbow for two. Shelley comes back and goes after the knee. He tags Chrs Sabin and they go for Skull & Bones but Devon avoids it and tags Brother Ray. Team 3D go for the 3D but Sabin avoids it and the Guns regroup on the floor. Back in the ring Sabin hits a springboard cross body block for two. Ray looks like he’s trying really hard tonight. Team 3D hits a modified Sidewinder for two. Sabin makes a blind tag and the Guns go to work on Devon. Shelley tries a move off the top rope but misses and appears to have injured his knee. Ray goes right after it. That doesn’t last too long, and Shelley shows no ill effects on the knee, hitting a poetry in motion and then a dive to the floor. Sabin tries a slingshot dive on Ray but misses and lands with a splat. Ray charges but Sabin moves and he runs into the ring post. For some reason Ray climbs under the ring and when he comes out he’s bleeding. Way to be obvious there Bubba. Back in the ring the Guns go to work on him, focusing on the bloody forehead. Shelley goes for a springboard something or other, and Ray catches him with a Bubba Cutter. Devon gets the tag and he’s a house afire. He goes up top and hits a diving headbutt on Sabin but Shelley makes the save. Ray blind tags himself in and takes both Guns down with simultaneous Northern Lariats. 3D hits the double team neckbreaker often calle dthe 3D but it’s not and it gets two. They hit the What’s Up. It might be fun to see all the signature Dudley spots if they hadn’t been doing them in every single match since they’ve been in TNA. They get a table and try to whip Sabin into it, but he flips off it and Bubba charges into the table instead! The Guns hit Devon with a double superkick for two and then the Skull & Bones but it only gets two. Devon avoids a running Mafia Kick and then they hit the 3D on Sabin, but be kicks out at two! Team 3D is discombobulated and the Guns take advantage. The Guns hit the Skull & Bones on Ray to get the win and retain the titles.
WINNERS, and STILL TNA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS – The Motor City Machineguns
MATCH #4: Tommy Dreamer vs. Rob Van Dam
Remember when they did this match on RAW over EIGHT YEARS AGO? They shove each other a little bit to show how much they don’t trust each other right now. They go back and forth a bit and RVD takes a powder. Dreamer follows him out for some slow brawling. RVD drops Dreamer nuts first on the guardrail. I’m going to go get a Dr. Pepper, let me know what I miss. I’m back, looks like Dreamer is in control now. He’s used a chair and a ladder to wear RVD down. RVD makes a brief comeback and tries Rolling Thunder on the ladder but Dreamer moves. Dreamer hits a spinebuster and goes up top for a (sort of) Frog Splash and lands awkwardly on his arm. He still gets a two-count. It looks like Dreamer legit broke his wrist. RVD covers for two as it looks like they’re figuring out what to do. Seriously, just go home guys, that looks nasty. RVD hits a powerslam but then misses the split-legged moonsault. This is so stupid. RVD misses a Five-Star Frog Splash and Dreamer hits a Piledriver for two. He sets up a ladder in the corner and then sets RVD up top for something, but RVD knocks him down. Dreamer’s legs are tied up in the ladder. RVD hits a Van Terminator and misses ANOTHER Five-Star Frog Splash. Dreamer tries the Dreamer Driver but RVD slips out and throws him into the ladder. RVD blocks a DDT and drops Dreamer on the chair, and then finally hits the Fiver-Star Frog Splash to end this abomination. Afterwards they kiss and make up, meaning one of them will turn by the end of the night.
WINNER – Rob Van Dam
Christy Hemme is backstage with Fortune (Ric Flair, Douglas Williams, AJ Styles, Kazarian, and Beer Money, Inc.). They mock EV2.0 and promise victory tonight.
MATCH #5: EV2.0 (Raven, Rhino, Sabu, Stevie Richards & Brian Kendrick) vs. Fortune (Douglas Williams, AJ Styles, Kazarian & Beer Money, Inc.)
If Fortune wins the match, they get to fire someone from EV2.0. If EV2.0 wins, nothing happens. The match starts off as a big brawl both in and out of the ring. Looks like Kendrick got injured somehow and gets taken to the back, so EV2.0 is at a one man disadvantage. Fortune works over Richards in their half of the ring. Taz calls Fortune “more stealth-like.” After several minutes Richards makes the comeback and tags Rhino, who goes to work on Storm. I remember when these two feuded years ago. He sets up for the Gore but Roode breaks it up from the floor. Now Rhino gets worked over in the Fortune half of the ring. After a few minutes of that Rhino tags Sabu, who unleashes a flurry. He hits a triple jump plancha to the floor to wipe out three members of Fortune. Styles goes up top and Raven knocks him down. Sabu goes for a superplex on him but can’t hit it, settling instead for a tornado DDT. The match turns into a big brawl again with everyone hitting their big moves. Why do Beer Money still do the spot that makes the crowd cheer for them when they’re heels? In all the madness Styles hits Sabu with the Styles Clash to pin him and end Sabu’s latest TNA run.
WINNERS – AJ Styles, Kazarian, Douglas Williams, and Beer Money, Inc. (Sabu gets fired)
Sabu tries to fight back as Flair mocks him. EV2.0 says their goodbyes, and Dreamer and RVD come out as well. They cut the usual circle jerk promo. Is Dreamer going to cry?
Backstage Christy Hemme is with D’Angelo DINERO, not DENIRO. Learn how to pronounce the wrestlers’ names you Bimbo. Dinero cuts his usual promo and gets interrupted by Tara and Mickie James continuing their brawl from earlier. The Pope’s congregation breaks it up, and then Knockouts Champ Madison Rayne attacks Mickie from behind.
MATCH #6: Lumberjack Match – Pope D’Angelo Dinero vs. Abyss
Pope is entering the match with his ribs taped up. The lumberjacks are of course the members of Pope’s congregation. Dinero takes early advantage and hits a Stinger Splash, which you think would be hard with injured ribs but I guess it’s not. Pope maintains the advantage, aided in no small part by the fact that the lumberjacks are in his back pocket. He clotheslines Abyss to the floor and the lumberjacks throw him right back in. Abyss comes back with a big boot to the face. He then focuses on the injured ribs. He crushes Pope in the corner and then locks on a bearhug. Pope escapes a Black Hole Slam attempt and hits a float over DDT. He hits a couple of strikes and an inverted atomic drop and then “takes the big man down again.” Good cover Tenay. Abyss comes back and hits the Shock Treatment. Pope comes back and sends Abyss to the floor, and then hits a dive. The lumberjacks roll Abyss into the ring and then Pope goes up top for a diving headbutt. This match is still going on. Eric Bischoff comes out and makes the “money” symbol with his hands, and Pope’s congregation turn on him. They throw Pope back in the ring and Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for the win. What a terrible match on a terrible pay-per-view.
WINNER – Abyss
Christy Hemme tries to get a word with Sabu, but Stevie Richards takes that word instead. He challenges AJ Styles to a match on iMPACT! Yes, using the PPV to sell iMPACT!, good job guys.
MATCH #7: Jeff Jarrett vs. Samoa Joe
Jarrett cuts a promo and threatens to leave and shut the show down completely. Of course Joe will not hear of it, and cuts him off at the entrance. They’re so mad at each other they start off with some slow back and forth grappling. Joe tries the Big Joe Combo but Jarrett avoids it and gets a rollup for two. Undaunted, Joe continues on offense, hitting the face wash and a back elbow. Joe traps Jarrett in the corner and unleashes Kobashi chops on him. Jarrett comes back and puts on an ankle lock, and then hits the sliding Boss Man punch. Then Joe comes back, etc. They haven’t really established a strong story for this match yet. Jarrett hits a Stroke but only gets two. Joe comes back and tries the Muscle Buster but Jarrett fights him off and hits a Super Stroke for two. Jarrett goes outside and grabs a chair and the referee tries to talk him out of it. Joe flies out with an elbow suicida and takes out both Jarrett and the referee. Back in the ring Joe goes for the Muscle Buster but Murphy and Gunner (Hogan and Bischoff’s security) come out to attack Joe. That allows Jarrett to gain control and beat on Joe with a nightstick. He uses the stick to choke Joe out. The referee wakes up and Jarrett gets rid of the stick and puts on Joe’s choke, and gets the cheap win. Just when I thought the show couldn’t get any worse, this match happened.
WINNER – Jeff Jarrett
For some reason they show a highlight video of the show so far.
Then we go backstage to Christy Hemme, who is with Eric Bischoff and Pope’s congregation. They shower him with Bling.
MATCH #8: TNA World Heavyweight Title Match – Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Morgan
Morgan overpowers Hardy early on. Hardy comes back by trying to go after the legs, but Morgan shoves him to the floor. The champ stalls a bit and spits in Morgan’s face. He tries to bait Morgan back into the ring but Morgan is too smart for him and maintains the advantage. Hardy is tenacious though and cuts Morgan down by going after the big man’s legs. He also uses a chinlock to wear the challenger down. Morgan makes a comeback and does a pretty good job selling the injured leg. He hits a discuss clothesline for two. Hardy comes back with a jumping DDT (for extra leverage) for two. He jumps off the ropes and Morgan catches him in a Chokeslam for two. Hardy comes back and hits the Twist of Hate but only gets two. He hits the Whisper in the Wind and another Twist of Hate to get the pin and retain the title. Solid match but not really fitting of a main event.
WINNER, and STILL TNA WORLD CHAMPION – Jeff Hardy
Fortune comes out to celebrate. What a terrible show.
