For Your Consideration…The IMPACTful Judicial Review for 11/25/10

For Your Consideration…The IMPACTful Judicial Review for 11/25/10

Welcome back to the longest running, action-adventure, passive-aggressive, TNAwful experimenting column on the pretaped web. I am your brave explorer Andrew Wheeler, and thanks to having Black Friday off, I decided to check out IMPACT and see what’s going on with the Distinguished Competition. It may not be pretty, but since I felt bad about missing two weeks of RAW, the least I can do is throw Glazer, Widro and Mathews a bone and give them some extra content. Remember, you can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook or just post your comments down below.

Without further ado…

The IMPACTful Judicial Review for 11/25/10

We open with a Matt Morgan video recap, where we find out that Ric Flair is going to be his referee in his match against Jeff Hardy. Morgan then faced Flair, as Ric I guess decided to upgrade from wrestling a broom to wrestling a Swiffer. At the end of the match, Doug Williams turned on Fortune as I see what looks like blood. Blood in wrestling? Crazy.

We’re “live” at 8:35 with the Immortals hosting Thanksgiving. Bischoff calls Thanksgiving one of his favorite holidays and that everyone in that room has what to be thankful for. Yeah, it’s called guaranteed contracts. Eric says that he regrets some things have gone during the past year. He says tonight he’s going to make amends and invite Dixie Carter.

Hogan shows some “Thunder in Paradise” acting as he gets all upset about Dixie Carter coming to dinner. In fact, the tension is so high that they have no choice but to cut to…

The opening video. It looks like it’s pretty much just Immortal.

Matt Morgan opens the show and he’s dressed like a giant Michael Cole. Morgan calls for a microphone as he gets a polite reaction from the theme parkers. Matt says that he’s beaten Flair’s merry midgets to face Jeff Hardy. He then beat Ric Flair, which makes him the man, if I remember the Pythagorean Theorem correctly. Matt says that what happened at the last PPV won’t happen at the next PPV because there won’t be referee shenanigans. He says shit happens, but it gets bleeped. Ooh, edgy. Like a CBS sitcom.

Morgan says he should have annihilated Hardy’s ass so badly that he won’t be able to move his shoulders. So I guess he really can’t tell the difference between his asshole and his elbow. Matt says he needs a man that will stand up. Not stand up for the WWE, just stand up. Morgan needs a man and reads off his laundry list. He’s starting to sound like Cathy. Ack.

Matt says that there’s nothing Jeff Hardy can blame as it will be one on one. When all is said and done, he will prove to these people…whoa, what does he mean by these people? Morgan says that the fans will have a TNA Champion they can be proud of.

This brings out Doug Williams, who looks like a castoff from the old GWF. I half-expect to see The Handsome Stranger and The Patriot make entrances. Doug Williams and his frosted tips say that Morgan doesn’t need to look further for a referee. He talks about Fortune and says shit, but for some reason his bleep has a British accent. Williams tells AJ Styles to lose his virginity. Um…was that an offer? Williams mocks Kaz and Beer Money for looking like models, drinking and dressing well. Wow, sick burn. Williams finishes by saying that Ric Flair lives for yesterday. No Doug, he lives to pay off yesterday. It’s called alimony. It’s why he wasn’t happy with a WWE Legends contract.

Matt Morgan talks about Doug’s balls before calling a spade a spade and saying that Williams could be the referee. Matt says he has to make this decision quickly…only 10 days. Ten days?! Are you serious? How hard is it to pick a referee?

Flair and Fortune come out to the ring and kudos to AJ for wearing a tie. Ric says that the problem with them is that they’re a Staind song, because they’re on the outside and they’re looking in. Ric starts turning beat red and takes off his jacket but Kaz says that it is Thanksgiving (and not taped weeks earlier) and that this means there’s going to be live pro wrestling. He promises to keep this tradition going by wrestling in a taped match. He calls Doug Williams a queen and Matt Morgan the Green Print, because as you know, he likes to recycle.

Wait, what’s that? Oh, he meant because Morgan is inexperienced. Good thing he’s the #1 Contender.

Kaz reveals the gameplan like a bad Bond villain before coming up with truly lame insults. He sounds like a very nervous version of Christian.

We get highlights of EV2.0 and Fortune. Sabu was fired and freed from TNA. Raven was fired and freed from TNA. Rhino says that his contract expired and the only one who cared was Bischoff. Dreamer says that he sold them out for the all ighty ollar. Nothing says ECW like wrestling without getting paid.

Tommy Dreamer is in the back and he is walking towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Fortune are recapping their promo. Flair then promises to go get hookers. They ask for salad, but you don’t make friends with salad. Ric Flair then chugs a Smirnoff Ice, thus continuing to piss on his legacy. Bischoff interrupts to say that Dixie Carter is on her way, but Hogan needs to talk about this. Pussy.

The Last Street Fight: Chun-Rhino v. Tomm E. Dreamer

Rhino comes out first and it’s a shame that he can’t figure out how to grow his arms. Dreamer comes out next and he looks disgusted. I’m gonna assume that’s due to disgust with Rhino and not the booking of this feud.

Rhino jumps Dreamer and wails away on him before asking who the man is. I’m pretty sure it’s Flair. Tommy fights back and hits a baseball slide. He rams Rhino’s arm into the barricade before digging under the ring and finding a table. Rhino fires back right the wrist that was just driven into the security rail. Continuity, thy name is Rhyno.

Dreamer gets suplexed on the entrance ramp and hits Tommy in the head with a trash can. He then flicks off the non-paying customers before again punching Dreamer. Tommy gets rammed into a traffic barricade and now he’s bleeding. Here’s why I’m kinda glad the WWE doesn’t do blood. That move was hardly rough enough to warrant a blade job and he’s now bleeding just to bleed.

Tommy comes back with a baking pan to the head, which often happens in a street fight. Can’t tell you how many gang members have been killed by cooking sheets to the skull. Tragic. Rhino takes control and sets up a table in the corner but Tommy fires back with punches and a low blow. Dreamer goes for a DVD but eats a belly-to-belly. Don’t do that, his stomach is probably full of turkey.

Rhino goes for a Gore but gets cracked in the skull with the baking sheet and that’s it. Wait, really?

Tommy has a microphone and says that this is what it’s all about. If Rhino went down, he went down with a fight and to entertain the fans. If EV2.0 is over, we’re over as friends. Wait, what? Dreamer then says that they shouldn’t forget about their friendship. I thought he just said it was over. How hard did Rhino hit him? The fans chant for them to man up, so they hug. Rhino then turns on Dreamer and drives him through a table before waving around his stumpy arms like he just don’t care. RVD (complete with theme music) makes the save. Rob says Rhino isn’t doing right by his family because he’s going to bust Rhino open. He makes it first blood, so I guess the blade job Dreamer did kinda had a point.

Kinda.

Commercial.

We’re back with Samoa Joe talking with Matt Morgan. The camera guy is shooting this like he’s hiding, which I actually kinda like. It bugs me when we get “invisible” camera in the locker room. Williams calls Joe a mad man, and Samoa Belushi says he’ll see them out there tonight.

Flair comes up to the Beautiful People and promises to give them food in exchange for being whores. Ric hits on Mickie James but Tara shows up and now they’re shoving each other. This turns into a brawl. If this were the WWE, someone would have been hit with a pie. Mickie accidentally nails Angelina Love, so she should probably get tested for Hepatitis. More women show up to attack the Beautiful People as Sarita hits her with a plate but Katie Lea Burchill shows up to say that Love is with her now. I’ve seen this one, I’ve seen this one. This is a classic. This is where Ralph dresses up as the man from space and becomes a lesbian stalker obsessed with Trish Stratus.

Commercial.

We’re back watching wrestlers continue to eat and drink. Bischoff says that Thanksgiving is a time to reflect and that there is one person responsible for them being there. Hogan gets all pissy. Instead of Dixie Carter, it’s Jeff Hardy with a giant burst of purple smoke. What the fuck? Is he Prince?

Jeff Hardy has the WWE Diva Tramp Stamp title over his shoulder as he rips off Jesus Christ and proclaims that he’s going to eat.

Mike “Aging Gracefully” Tenay and Taz “Leather Jacket” Z throw us to a highlight of MCMG/Generation Me empty arena brawl. Coming up next on Memphis wrestling, Jerry Lawler wrestles a bear.

Sabin and Shelley say that it was indescribable to beat up Generation Me, but they have Full Metal Mayhem coming up soon. Well at least there’ll be one great match on the PPV. Good to see that the WCW Cruiserweight Division is alive and well. Madison runs by and asks where Sarita is and they debate whether or not they’d fuck her. Guess the turkey isn’t the only thing getting stuffed.

Commercial.

Williams and Morgan are in the back with Dinero, and they say that they don’t like him and he doesn’t like them, but they should all get along. Da Pope doesn’t trust Samoa Joe or any of them and he has problems with Abyss and a casket, so he gives them the brush-off. Matt says that if he beats Abyss, he’ll face Jarrett. He then needs to feud with Fortune. Finally, he would feud with Jeff Hardy. So I guess Matt Morgan’s best argument is that TNA’s booking is so predictable that he should join them.

Madison Rayne drags Earl Hebner to the ring. See Matt, she found a referee during a commercial break. Not ten days. She screeches about how she wants to face Sarita before burying Xplosion as the B-Show. She then points out that Sarita is Spanish and doesn’t speak English. Holy crap that gal can yell. Sarita comes out and I guess this is a match so…

Denim Brawl: Sarita v. Madison Rayne

So both girls are wrestling in jeans as Taz talks about how their chops could swell their areolas. Guess this is the best use of TV-14. So you have two women in the exact same outfits with the exact same hair and I’m supposed to tell which one’s which. I’d have an easier time writing about a Bella Twins match. The only difference appears to be their shoes, and if you think I’m going to spend the entire match watching shoes, you’re sadly mistaken.

Madison Rayne argues with Hebner before she starts spanking Sarita. She then grabs her hair. Madison tries to roll her up but it gets countered for two. This match is in slow motion as Sarita is not so much good. Then, because she’s Hispanic, she dances. Madison flees to the outside but Sarita leaps over the top rope. Madison moves WAY too early and Sarita looks like an idiot jumping into an empty pool. Madison then dances to mock Sarita and she gets rolled up for the slow pin. Jesus Earl, how lackluster was that count? This match was all kinds of bad and there is no way Vince would have allowed two Divas to wrestle in the exact same costume.

Jeff Jarrett is in the back and he says he needs to make weight so he drinks water. Jeff says that tonight is Thanksgiving (in case you didn’t know) and while he works for his MMA career (zuh?), he has a DVD coming up after a…

Commercial.

Robert Roode calls this the greatest Thanksgiving ever, which doesn’t mean much since he’s Canadian. He and Storm do their Beer Money chant. Kaz is thankful for Fortune, beating RVD and Kennedy and for not having to be Suicide anymore. No, it doesn’t say that. AJ is thankful for Ric Flair. Flair humps the turkey. Abyss is thankful for a board with nails and a coffin. He wood like that. Get it? Wood? Hilarious. Speaking of which, Jarrett says he’s happy Samoa Joe isn’t there because he would have eaten all the food.

Jarrett shows a DVD of him with little kids in a dojo teaching MMA. A kid says that he knows the Ankle Lock, which was created by Angle. Jarrett says it was created by Ken Shamrock but that Jeff perfected it. Jarrett beats up the kids like Kramer did on “Seinfeld”, only with diminished returns.

Hogan stands up and says that on behalf of Flair and Bischoff, he’s thankful for Dixie and wants to tell her how he feels. I guess he was mixing pain pills and wine again.

Jesse Neal is in the back saying that he’s seen some shit and he’s going to show Jarrett what he’s about. I’m going to say he’s about five months from being future endeavored.

Commercial.

MMA Match: Jesse Neal v. Jeff Jarrett

Jesse Neal is out first and apparently he’s going to beat Jeff Jarrett because he survived a terrorist attack. Oh yeah, well Jeff survived a country music gimmick and being torpedoed by The Clique.

Jeff and Jesse circle as the fans say that Jarrett sold out. Yeah, it’s called making a profit. Both guys lock up and go to the ropes. Jesse swings on him but they break. Jarrett gets a waistlock but gets armdragged away. Jeff takes him down and paintbrushes his head before going for Alberto Del Rio’s arm bar (yep, I’ve chosen to call it that). This whole thing smells like the Brawl for it All.

Jeff takes Jesse down and goes for an Ankle Lock. Jesse is trapped but makes it to the ropes. Jarrett hammers away on him but Jesse comes back with punches. Neal charges Jarrett but he misses and flattens Brian Hebner. Jeff goes under the ring and pulls out a guitar. Of course that would be under the ring, since they need that to set up the ring. Jeff then locks him in a rear naked joke to end it.

Commercial.

Bubba Ray is in the ring in a track suit. He says that some of the fans are pissed off that he kicked D-Von in the back of the head. His question is why are they mad. Don’t they realize he had it coming? What is this, Chicago?

If it weren’t for D-Von, he could have retired a tag champion. Sabin kicked out of the 3D because D-Von was weak and D-Von was the one who got pinned. Bubba says that they’re wrestling fans and aren’t that bright. Hey…wait a minute!

Bubba pulls out a video package that shows that he is the better Dudley. It’s just footage of D-Von taking bumps. Bubba says he’s embarrassed to watch that and that it’s horrible. Was he talking about D-Von losing or was he just talking about the quality of the Dudley’s matches?

We now get footage of Bubba Ray getting offense as the fans say he still sucks. He asks how people can question him. D-Von gets invited to come to the Impact Zone next week but if it weren’t for Bubba, his 15 years would have been 15 minutes. Ah, wordplay. He’s TNA’s Jason Mraz, minus the stupid hats.

Dixie Carter’s limo has arrived. Mike Tenay is giddy. Really?

Commercial.

We’re back at the Neverending Supper as Bischoff asks to hide all the liquor. Jeff asks if she’s his mother, but Eric just calls her a drunk. Hogan says he isn’t responsible for his actions once he sees her. And this is a man who would love to take some frustration out on a middle-aged woman.

Doug Williams, Matt Morgan, D’Angelo Dinero and Samoa Joe v. Fortune

Fortune throws their t-shirts at SoCal Val as they berate her, which is a great old school heel move. Diniero and Styles start out and AJ gets hammered down. Styles chops The Pope in his chest hair before tossing him into the heel’s corner. Storm gets tagged and he hits Dinero in the mouth before putting on his cowboy hat. He hits a running clothesline as Taz accuses him of being drunk. Pope then turns around and pins him.

Roode comes in now to stomp Dinero into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Styles and Kaz double-team Dinero. Taz mentions the referee again, as if that’s ominous. AJ goes for a splash but Pope moves and tags in Morgan. Styles tags in Kaz and Morgan tags in Joe. Joe fires off punches. Kaz goes for a leap off the second rope so Joe just steps backwards. How is it that hard to book this guy?

Doug Williams comes in with uppercuts as Kaz drops him with a sloppy DDT for two. Doug gets triple-teamed in the corner as Pope and Joe argue. Kaz gets Doug up on his shoulders but Doug counters it into Rolling Chaos for the pin.

Williams gets tripped by Roode as Fortune is being made to look like a complete joke. And to think people bitched about Nexus. Roode hammers away on Doug and unleashes some chops before hitting a suplex. He comes off the second rope with the exposed knee for two. Taz over-explains why that hurts as Williams gets tagged in by Joe and Pope. They then get into an argument, which leads to a brawl. They fight up the ramp and all the way to the back.

Williams tries to roll up Roode but Robert breaks free and takes Doug down with a clothesline. Doug clotheslines AJ off the apron but eats a Double-R Spinebuster for the pin.

Morgan steps over the top rope and takes out Roode but eats a flying forearm from AJ. Styles and his stupid tattoo stomps away as we go to…

Another fucking show?

Styles hits the Pele Kick and goes for the 450 but Morgan moves out of the way. Roode gets tagged in and bounces off of Matt. Morgan hits a splash in the corner and connects with a sidewalk slam for two. AJ and Roode double-team Matt until he comes back with a double-clothesline. AJ gets dumped out of the ring and catches Roode off the second rope for a chokeslam attempt. Robert blocks it but gets taken down with a clothesline. Morgan catches Styles off the top rope and hits a fallaway slam. Matt sets up for the carbon footprint but Jeff Hardy runs out and low blows Matt. Jeff then hits the Twist of Fate/Hate/Crate/Corey/Story/Allegory on the ref.

Bischoff welcomes Dixie Carter into their dinner. Eric says he’s grateful for what she started, but it’s time to say the past is the past. Hogan thanks her for the opportunity and asks if she’s seen the numbers. Really? Hulk says that they should all be on the same page. Eric says she can go back and Twitter while Hogan, Bischoff and Jarrett run the show. Dixie wants to toast to the paper in her hand. The board of directors says that Hogan can’t sign talent so Hulk has an injunction. Hulk says she can’t do that but she says his duties are over. I went to law school and even I think this is boring as hell.

They spent two hours teasing her arriving and she comes with legal action?! Are you serious? What’s next? A memorandum of law on a poll match? An appellate court hell in a cell? Res ipsa locrappy ending.

This has been for your consideration.