Live from Chicago, IL.
Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Matt Striker.
Intercontinental title: Dolph Ziggler v. Kofi Kingston
The DQ and countout rules are waived here. They trade headlocks to start, and Kofi clotheslines him out of the ring. Back in, Kofi rolls him up for two and gets a nice dropkick, but misses a blind charge. Dolph gets two off that. Neckbreaker gets two. Dolph hits the chinlock while Striker drifts in and out of his heel commentator role, sometimes sticking up for Vickie Guerrero and sometimes being the history geek who praises every WWE superstar equally. Dolph with a big boot for two and he goes back to the chinlock and gets two. Necksnap gets two. Fameasser gets two. Elbow gets two while the announcers go on a completely inane run about how Dolph Ziggler is the athlete of the future and totally different from “the superstars that your parents grew up on”. FUTURISTIC chinlocks! Kofi fights back and slugs away in the corner, then goes up with a high cross for two. Dolph jumping up to catch him is the kind of thing that they usually don’t catch on camera, and it really takes you out of the match. Kofi with some ground and pound and the Boomdrop. Striker calls his fans “the Boom Squad” and even Cole no-sells that one. They brawl out of the ring, and Kofi gets two back in the ring. He tries for his wacky DDT thing, but Dolph reverses to THE SLEEPER OF THE FUTURE! That’s not a sleeper like your parents grew up on! Kofi breaks out and gets his own, but runs afoul of Vickie. Dolph stops her from interfering so as to prevent a DQ, and then Kofi misses his big kick and the Zig Zag finishes at 12:42. That was kind of a weird finish, and made Kofi look like a total punk. Nothing wrong with the actual match, which was Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling. ***1/4
CM Punk v. Big Show
Show pounds Punk, and uses the Nash choke in the corner. Punk hits the floor, but hits Show with a knee to the head from the apron, and follows with a slingshot senton to the floor. Back in, Punk works Show over on the mat and goes up, but Show spears him on the way down. Knockout punk finishes at 4:41. * Why did they even bother having this match on here? It goes against the concept and added nothing.
US title: The Miz v. Daniel Bryan
Miz grabs a headlock after running away a bit, but Bryan goes for the Lebell Lock and Miz bails. Back in, Bryan with an armdrag for two, but Miz sends him into the corner and works on the arm. Hammerlock slam gets two. Miz surfboards him, but Bryan reverses to a backslide for two. Miz pounds him down again, and Alex Riley gets some shots in from the outside. Miz goes back to the arm, but Bryan slugs back, so Miz gets a shoulderbreaker for two. Back with an armbar, but Bryan tosses him and follows with a tope suicida. Back in, Bryan goes up with a missile dropkick for two. Shining Wizard gets two. Leg lariat gets two. They slug it out and Bryan pounds the shit out of him with kicks in the corner, then follows with a dropkick and high kick to the face for two. Bryan puts him on top and slugs away, but Miz clotheslines him off the top for two. Miz goes back to the injured arm with a standing armbar, but Bryan gets to the ropes. Miz sets up to finish, but Bryan rolls him up for two. Bryan goes for his finish, but gets distracted by Riley, then recovers with a rollup on Miz for two. Good hot near-fall there. Miz dumps him to buy time, but Bryan tosses Riley into the post and heads back in. Miz cradles him for two on the way in, and pounds away on the mat in frustration. That’s not gonna end well for him. And indeed he gets too sloppy and Bryan catches him with the LeBell Lock, winning the US title at 12:26. Big pop for that one, actually. They really sucked the crowd into this one well, paying off their storyline as it should have been. Good stuff, and it really shows how far Miz has come in the business. ***1/2
Divas & Women’s title: Melina v. Michelle McCool
This is a unification match, with “lumberjills” around the ring. They do the lockup battle to start and fall out of the ring, giving us the first chance for them to get thrown in again. So of course it doesn’t happen. Back in, Melina pounds away in the corner, but gets tossed out by McCool. And again no one throws her back in. McCool with a neckbreaker for two, and she chokes away on the ropes. Headscissors and McCool tries for a powerbomb, but Melina escapes ala Kidman. McCool keeps coming with a belly to belly suplex, but gets tangled up with the lumberjacks. Back in, Melina makes the comeback and bridges away from a high kick, but McCool beats on her in the corner anyway. They fall out of the ring and McCool gets beaten up again, but back in she puts Melina down with the big boot for the pin and titles at 6:50. WTF? I don’t get the dynamic here at all, as McCool is supposed to be the heel, but she was at a giant disadvantage for the entire match and then came back and won clean out of nowhere. The babyface women console Melina afterwards, but she lost clean! If anything, McCool was the one who deserved props for winning the match after fighting off 20 people at a time! *
Smackdown World title: Kane v. The Undertaker
This is no holds barred, the THIRD gimmick match on this show already. No wonder no one cares about them any longer. They waste no time brawling by the entrance, as Undertaker tosses him into a column and then pounds away. Back to ringside, Kane sends UT into the stairs and then the post, and adds a shot with the belt. Ironically, there’s a fan standing in the front row with a replica belt that would have worked just as well, and been a cooler spot. Back in, a clothesline gets two for Kane. Corner clothesline gets two. They head to the floor again and Kane hits him with a piece of the announce table, but Taker finally fights back and whips him into the stairs. Guillotine on the apron and Kane bails to the timekeeper’s area, so UT hits him with a dive. And now it moves into the crowd for more slow brawling. Kane wins that thrilling battle and we head back in for more slugging from Kane. Finally UT fights back with the slugfest, and gets a clothesline. Corner clothesline and he fires away in the corner to set up Snake Eyes and the big boot. Legdrop gets two. Chokeslam prompts Striker to think up another 6 ridiculous nicknames for Undertaker, and meanwhile Kane reverses a tombstone into his own, for the clean pin at 18:38 to retain. Major snoozefest. ** Keep in mind that the first time they had a full-on feud was 1998, 12 years ago, and even with them that much younger and faster the matches weren’t any good. Gimmick or not, Undertaker looked slow and beat up here.
TAG TEAM TURMOIL!
The Hart Dynasty v. The Usos
Holy god are those new tag belts ugly. The Usos double-team Kidd to start, and Jimmy misses a charge, giving us Smith running wild for a bit. The Usos bail and Kidd hits them with a springboard plancha, which gets two in the ring. He goes for the Sharpshooter, but Jay breaks it up with a big boot, and Jimmy gets the pin at 2:12. Lame.
The Usos v. Kozlov & Santino
Santino dominates Jimmy and goes to finish with the Cobra, but walks into a samoan drop and gets pinned at 3:16.
The Usos v. Mark Henry & Evan Bourne
Bourne goes after Jimmy with a flying headscissors, then brings in Henry to pound away. The powerslam on Jay sets up Evan’s shooting star press for the pin at 5:10.
WWE Tag titles: Mark Henry & Evan Bourne v. Drew McIntyre & Dashing Cody Rhodes
Drew pounds away on Bourne in the corner, and Rhodes follows with a suplex. Striker’s factoid on Rhodes (“He doesn’t like getting hit in the face”) actually made me laugh for some stupid reason. Drew clotheslines Bourne for two and the heels work him over for two. Drew with a gutbuster for two. Cody, sorry, Dashing Cody, pulls him out and stomps him on the floor. Back in, McIntyre hits the chinlock, but it’s hot tag Henry. Henry pounds on Dashing Cody in the corner and gorilla presses him, setting up Bourne trying a shooting star off Henry’s shoulders. That goes nowhere as Drew breaks it up and Rhodes gets the neckbreaker to win the titles at 11:46. This whole thing was throwaway junk. And wouldn’t it have made more sense for the Dynasty to progress to the finals, thereby making the heels bad people for taking the titles from a team that was tired after they themselves only entered last? Who gives a shit if one thrown-together team beats another thrown-together team? *1/2 for the whole thing.
Meanwhile, Alberto Del Rio just wants us to know that he’s better than us. That’s always an effective heel gimmick.
RAW World title: Sheamus v. Edge v. Randy Orton v. Chris Jericho v. Wade Barrett v. John Cena
Hey, it’s another “we have no direction so let’s stick six guys in one match” special. This is elimination, which I like better at least. Big brawl to start, as the ring gets cleared and Jericho gets two on Orton. Cena saves Orton, but it’s RKO for Jericho and he’s gone at 1:30. Bye Chris, enjoy the tour. Jericho’s incredulous reaction to getting pinned so quick is great stuff. So with Jericho gone, the next target is Wade Barrett, and everyone beats him down in a nice touch. So we’ve got Cena and Orton again, but it turns into another big brawl before the ring gets cleared again. Striker actually calls the heel side “rulebreakers”. Does Bill Apter get royalties from that? Sheamus clears out the deadwood and clotheslines Cena for two. A pair of kneelifts and an elbow out of the corner follow, and Sheamus sets up Cena for the Irish Curse. Thank god that move finally has a name. Cena fights him off and goes up, but Edge breaks things up and helps out with a double superplex on Cena. That gets two. Edge & Sheamus dispose of Barrett outside, and then drag in Orton for two. Sheamus whips Edge into Orton with a spear into the corner, but another try misses and Orton makes the comeback. Edge finally turns on Sheamus to see if we can make this thing any more boring, and Sheamus gets a backbreaker, but Edge spears him. Edge spears Orton, but Cena gets the FU to get rid of Edge at 15:08. Barrett finally gets into the match and beats on Cena, reversing the FU into a DDT for two. Cena comes back with his usual stuff, but Sheamus breaks it up. STFU for Sheamus, but he makes the ropes. And now it’s time for your Nexus run-in, resulting in Barrett eliminating Cena at 18:40 with the Wasteland slam. Nexus beats on Orton next and sends him back in, but Cena the sore loser attacks them with a chair on his way out. Orton comes back on Barrett and finishes him with the RKO at 20:36. So we’ve got Sheamus and Orton left. Sheamus lays him out with the big boot as this crowd is just crazy for Orton for some reason. Sheamus goes to finish, but the RKO finishes at 21:30 to give Orton the title again. Not enough to save the show, but it was a hot finish at least. ***1/4
The Pulse
A totally forgettable, throwaway show, with a couple of good matches and a whole bunch of bad ones. Recommendation to avoid.
