For Your Consideration…The Slammy Award Winning Judicial Review for 12/13/10

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For Your Consideration…The Slammy Award Winning Judicial Review for 12/13/10

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive aggressive, fake wrestling award winning sports edjutainment column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your third grade spelling bee champion Andrew Wheeler, and this promises to be one of the best columns I’ll write all week.

And the Slamminees Are…

I’ve admitted it before but I’ll admit it again: I’m a mark for the Slammys. I know that they represent everything that people dislike about the current face of wrestling (unnecessary silliness, manipulated results and less in-ring time), but ever since I got Todd Pettengill’s opening number stuck in my head all those years ago, I’ve had a soft spot for the giant fake plastic trophy. Hell, the graphic for my column is just a ripped off version of the award itself (though when I started writing FYC, the Slammys were a distant memory from a bygone era).

The Slammys have always been a chance for the WWE to let the fans know who or what they should be praising, while at the same time creating genuine heat magnets out of some of the winners. I think we can all agree that Owen Hart is the crown prince of the Slammys, as he not only displayed his trophies (even if he stole one of them) but put them on his trunks. Miz and Morrison also made great use of their Slammy awards, proudly bringing them to the ring at a time when we thought the only gold The Miz would ever hold would be that ridiculous statue.

This year, the WWE has dropped “Match of the Year”. I kinda like that because the winner was probably going to be Michaels/Taker, and with neither of them available for the show, it would have been a build up to a letdown. Thankfully, the rest of the categories are pretty good, with a few surprising nominees that made me think that maybe the WWE wasn’t forgetting all of the awesomeness they put on this year.

With that said, I figured I would take a look at what the WWE considered the cream of the crop in 2010 (all while slinging more hackneyed expressions like that) and see if they truly deserve to be considered Slammy-worthy.
Shocker of the Year – I guess with Matt Hardy officially gone, this has nothing to do with his ridiculous hand gesture. Basically this is the moment that single-handedly changed the trajectory of the company, if the nominees are to be taken at face value. Obviously, the shocker of the year has to be something Nexus related, so let’s go to the nominees…
Miz cashes in the MITB contract & becomes WWE Champion: In any other year, this would be the hands down winner. Money in the Bank seems to be the go-to for “shocking” moments, but I’ve said over the past few years that the gimmick needs to have someone cash it in and lose. The Miz winning the title seemed like an inevitability, and with there already being several other wrestlers already cashing it in (Kane and Swangle also used theirs this year), the shock of it wore off. We were all thrilled to see The Miz finally reach that next level and win the MITB and he undoubtedly made the most of the gimmick since Edge with his using the briefcase as a weapon, but in the end his victory seemed to be an afterthought to the Nexus storyline. I’m fine with it, and I’m glad to see him getting a chance to be champion, but it wasn’t the definitive shocker of 2010.
John Cena forced to join Nexus: This one was a nice story arc, with the quickly depleted Nexus roster getting the upper hand on the seemingly invincible champion. The WWE actually set up some truly interesting elements here; Cena unable to attack Barrett, R-Truth questioning his integrity and the suspense of the Orton/Barrett title match. In the end, Cena’s tenure in Nexus was brief, and since he’ll probably get rehired tonight, the entire event may be rendered moot. But for a company lacking in “surprises”, this was a nice little shift in the generic wrestling paradigm.
Nexus takes out Mr. McMahon: While I would have preferred Nexus’s debut to be here instead, them taking out Mr. McMahon was a pretty close second. We all kind of wondered who was behind Nexus (a storyline that seems to have gone the way of mystery Hummers and levitating suitcases), but when Vince as in the ring with them, we figured it was him, Austin, it was him all along. But when Nexus turned around and took out McMahon, the audience was equally shocked and delighted. We had already seen Vince build armies to control the WWE, but at a time when he’s the unquestionable ruler of the company, he doesn’t need any more muscle. Nexus effectively knocked Vince off of television, which was a very daring move for a bunch of rookies. Kudos to Vince for taking that 450 Splash, by the way.
Paul Bearer turns on Undertaker: What an earth-shattering moment. I’ll never forget where I was when I saw this. The year was 1998 and I was but a lad in high school and…wait, what? This happened again? In 2010? Are you serious? Look, I get htat Paul had to turn on The Undertaker because of injuries and the fact that Kane needed that added oomph, but when Paul turned on the urn flashlight and depleted Taker of his strength, I was tempted to hurl my laptop at my television like I was watching a VP candidate’s hypocritical daughter dance. This moment shocked me in how unshocking it was.
Knucklehead Moment of the Year: I wonder which condemned star is going to go 12 rounds to win this award. What man of Marine-like integrity will see no evil and go down as a no holds barred legendary superstar.
Big Show unmasks a bald CM Punk: Punk having his head shaved continued the longstanding tradition of a heel being sheered and then covering it up. Kurt Angle was the unquestioned champion of concealing baldness, but Punk was a close second. His Delirious-esque mask was classic, and somehow the addition of the hood made him even more sinister. Unfortunately, his unmasking at the hands of Big Show was pretty anticlimactic, since I thought for sure it wasn’t coming off until it was a stipulation. Still, Punk selling it like he was being set on fire was classic.
Santino Marella gets outdanced by Vladamir Kozlov: Stop. The. Pain. The only reason I like this is now that I’ve seen Kozlov dance, I’ve noticed that he tends to goosestep. The more chances I get to see someone pull a JBL, the happier I am. It’s just so incredible wrong an insensitive that I’m shocked if the WWE will ever run the risk of him doing it again, but simply for the unintentional politically incorrectness of it, I’m down for one more Kozlov dance.
Beth Phoenix eliminates Great Khali from the Royal Rumble: When I was watching the Rumble this year, I was actually pretty surprised to see the WWE pull that with Khali. It instantly made Beth Phoenix look like a true threat and the unquestioned leader of the Diva division…and then she got injured. Oh well, at least it was a cute bit of sports entertainment done right.
LayCool gets beaten by Mae Young: Mae Young, as much as I hate to say it, you’re getting to that age where you can’t be out there anymore. She was so confused and so over-her-head that I’m shocked the WWE would even want to remind us that it happened in the first place. Layla and Michelle tried their best to sell it, and the rest of the Divas maneuvered her around like an airplane, but ultimately the disjointed nature of the event robbed it of any of the “hilarity” it was meant to inspire.
Despicable Me Award: Another award named after a movie? Can we have the Social Network Tag Team of the Year? We probably would have had this one if there were actual teams left in the WWE. Anyway, this award is basically anything to elicit a “How dare you!” from the fat hippo lady in “Rocko’s Modern Life.”
CM Punk sings Happy Birthday to Rey Mysterio’s daughter: Hands down, this was the creepiest thing I have ever seen. It was probably my favorite non-Piper promo of the year, and one of the few things I clearly remember from the first part of 2010. Punk singlehandedly carried the promo part of this feud, and nothing was better than his insanely terrifying rendition of Mildred and Patty Hill’s tune (it took two people to write that song?).
Sheamus attacks HHH while he talked about Shawn Michaels: My hat goes off to Triple H. He did everything humanly possible to get Sheamus over, including sacrificing his heartfelt tribute to Shawn Michaels. It makes you wonder what Hunter could have done years ago to help get people over. Oh well, at least he’s making up for it somewhat here. Sheamus is now a bona-fide main event talent, thanks in no small part to actions like this.
Nexus attacks Ricky Steamboat & other legends: So we have Nexus attacking Vince AND Nexus attacking the Legends. This was an admittedly cool moment, with the wily old veterans making one last stand before being destroyed. Since Nexus at this time was not allowed to attack any actual Superstar at that point, this was a great way to get more heat on the rookies while making use of the cache guys like Steamboat and Anderson have.
Kane buries Undertaker alive: This literally just happened and I already forgot about it. Much like the rest of the Taker/Kane feud, we’ve seen this all done before and done better.
Holy %&^*%&* Move of the Year – Holy William Shatner Sitcom Move of the Year consists of those moments where, despite knowing this is all scripted, we can’t help ourselves but yell out “Holy William Shatner Sitcom!”. Or shit. You could just yell shit.
Kofi Kingston hits Drew McIntyre with a leg drop off ladder through announce table: Hey, remember when Kofi did that amazing and revolutionary leg drop through a table? Okay, well do you remember the time when he did it to Drew instead of Orton? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
John Cena sends Batista onto a car and through the stage with two Attitude Adjustments: “Oh mah gawd, they killed Davey!” We’ve seen the whole “off the stage, off the table, through the floor…nothing but net” before, but when it works, it works. Cena and Batista had an incredible little feud, and this was one of the high points. Too bad Dave’s gone and there’s little chance of him being honored.
Randy Orton delivers RKO to a flying Evan Bourne: This was such a great spot. Too bad they tried to replicate it, because it became less of a once-in-a-lifetime moment and more of an, “Oh yeah, I remember that.” Still, this RKO was pretty damn impressive.
John Morrison dives off set onto Daniel Bryan and The Miz: Like the majority of his career, this Morrison nomination seems forced and unmemorable.
Guest Star Shining Moment of the Year: While the greatest Guest Star moment of all time is still Jeremy Piven’s christening of the SummerFest PPV, there have been some segments featuring the guests that didn’t feel completely out of place.
Mike Tyson punches out Chris Jericho: Jericho sold it like a champ here as Tyson was used to once again further a great angle. I loved the fact that this was a callback to the original Tyson knockout of Shawn Michaels, which was a great bit of continuity.
Pee-wee Herman vs. The Miz: Yeah, this was cute for a few seconds but the fans didn’t buy Big Show at all and the thing fell flat.
Florence Henderson kisses The Great Khali: It was cutesy, it was inoffensive and it’s the second nomination for someone kissing Khali (with the first going to Beth).
William Shatner sings WWE Entrances: Instant classic and one of the best ideas Creative came up with all year.
“Oh Snap” Meltdown of the Year: Oh snap? We’re making that a thing again? Were the nominees picked solely by stereotypical inner city high school kids from the late 90’s? Maybe Biz Markie will present it.
Big Show destroys Jack Swagger’s trophies: As per pro wrestling guidelines, whenever a trophy or food appears in a ring, it must be destroyed. This was just Big Show doing his civic duty. Even worse, this feud absolutely murdered Swangle’s push.
Alberto Del Rio injures Rey Mysterio’s arm with a steel chair: Well they’re about to go into a Chairs match, so I guess it makes sense to remind the audience that this happened. But come on, a Rey Mysterio injury? We’ve seen him hurt a million times, and nothing tops the insanity of him being launched like a lawn dart by Nash or him being used as a baseball bat by Big Show.
Edge destroys the Raw GM’s computer: Edge was stagnant and going nowhere at this point, and his match with the computer was his bid at the Flair/Broomstick reputation. In the end, it got Edge off of RAW and turned him face, but the computer was back next week without any lasting implications for the GMail.
Batista quits WWE: When Dave decided to leave the WWE, he was willing to “do the right thing”. He put over Cena in their feud, was willing to be made to look weak and wound up turning in one of the best heel performances in recent memory. His hissy fit in his wheelchair worked on every level, even if he had to hold up a seemingly off-his-game Bret Hart.
WWE Moment of the Year: Ugh, why do they have to make these category names so vague?
Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels shake hands: This was probably the moment of the year for a lot of people, and it will have a prominent place on my end of the year recap. Who the hell would have thought in a million years that we would have seen this actually happen? And, like any greedy wrestling fan, I can now move on to the next wish on my “never gonna happen” list: Randy Savage.
The Nexus debuts and attacks John Cena: This was THE definitive moment of 2010. Period. It made RAW unpredictable again, led to Daniel Bryan getting fired and becoming this generation’s Matt Hardy (only he can actually wrestle), and elevated Wade Barrett to main event levels while reestablishing John Cena as the definitive babyface of the company.
The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels in Michaels’ final match: I went back recently and reread my Judicial Review of Wrestlemania, and I just buried this moment. I didn’t for a second think that Shawn was really gone, as this was one of the few instances where leaking that this was “it” would have helped the match. I found his long goodbye at the end of Mania manipulative, because I thought for sure he’d return. Well, he hasn’t yet, so I guess this was an actual “moment” and not a manufactured Sports Entertainment moment. My bad.
Kane wins Money in Bank, cashes in on same night: This move reestablished Kane as a legitimate monster and the face of Smackdown, so don’t immediately bury it. Sure, his feuds since being champion have been lackluster (to be polite), but unlike Swangle, he made the most of his suitcase win. He also showed that the MITB briefcase can be used to reestablish a star just as effectively as it can be used to make a new one.
Superstar of the Year: The award given out to the best technical wrestler in the industry who produces five-star matches and elevates any opponent…is not this award. This is the WWE Superstar of the Year, so we know what we’re getting. Live with it.
Randy Orton: Randy started the year in questionable territory. He was a heel that the fans wanted to cheer for, but he had a killer stable and a dastardly character. His Wrestlemania triple-threat match was dull and borderline awful (it was slow and plodding and, for me, outright bad). Randy’s face turn worked like gangbusters when it started, but his title run was uneventful and he just kinda seems…there. Face Randy doesn’t work for me because the WWE has turned him too far towards being a regular face. His RKO of Cole was great, and his willingness to attack Cena is fine, but there’s just something about him now that seems too much like a generic babyface and not the edgy tweener he needs to be.
Edge: Edge had a triumphant and surprising return at the Rumble, followed by a disastrous run as Smackdown’s top babyface. If you would have told me that Edge/Jericho wouldn’t be feud of the year, I would have laughed in your face (because I’m an asshole, apparently). However, face Edge trying to establish “Spear” as a catchphrase combined with his Mania loss killed his momentum. Like they always do, the WWE turned him heel and switched his brand, and while on RAW he was more than serviceable. Now he’s back on Smackdown as a face, which was working well until the whole “I kidnapped and potentially killed Paul Bearer” storyline.
Rey Mysterio: I just don’t like Rey anymore. He is useful in the WWE, but I don’t think he’s a main event draw anymore. I dug his feud with Punk, and he and CM put on some great matches, but every feud he’s in seems to be exactly the same: heel threatens Rey, heel overpowers Rey, heel takes Rey out, Rey makes triumphant return, Rey gives generic promo about having heart, Rey wins. He has quickly become the short version of Kane: a guy who can be plugged into the title picture one week and open the show the next week. It’s beneficial having a versatile wrestler, but just like no one’s excited about Kane, there isn’t much excitement about Rey.
John Cena: He got Nexus over. He got Sheamus over. He had an incredible feud with Batista. John Cena has donw a lot over the course of the past twelve months, proving once again that he is the most valuable commodity in wrestling. No one has been more consistent in the ring (wrestling that maligned WWE-Style about as good as anyone can) and on the microphone (with promos that are still too comedic and scripted but elicit a reaction from the fans), and at a time when business is down, he’s still a draw. The hottest storyline of the year has been Nexus, and John Cena’s been the man at the forefront.
Kane: I couldn’t be happier for Kane getting one final run at the top. He has been a consistent workhorse in the WWE for 15 years, doing any stupid gimmick and idea they throw at him. He’s not terrible in the ring and he can cut a menacing promo, which is justification enough to include him on this list. On the other hand, his feud with Taker has been incredibly dull and there’s nothing “fresh” about him, but for one final time, he’s a main event talent.
The Miz: Miz’s push at legitimacy started when he had a one-sided feud with John Cena. That feud showed that he could get it done on the microphone and once he was finally allowed to show what he could do in the ring, demonstrated that he isn’t just a reality television flunky. The Miz had an incredible 2010; he helped get over Daniel Bryan and the NXT concept, made the most of the MITB gimmick and is now WWE Champion. His victory was covered by mainstream media, which makes him incredibly valuable. If he can avoid injury, there’s no doubt that 2011 will be Miz’s year.
Diva of the Year: At this point, this award is like being the World’s Tallest Midget. Seriously, it’s a battle royal? It’ll probably be Beth Phoenix in that case, which is fine by me.
To be determined in a Divas Battle Royal on Raw
That’ll do it, and I haven’t even gotten to the actual show! Don’t forget you can follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316), friend me on Facebook or just post in the comment section down below. Without further ado…

The RAW Judicial Review for 12/13/10

“The maker of champions…”

Movies have the Oscars, music has the Grammys (aw, it’s a Grammy) and the WWE has the Slammy. Take THAT, Emmys.

We get a special Slammy Awards opening, which spares us the incessant Nickelback theme. There’s pyro, there’s ballyhoo and there’s a special set to welcome us to The Slammy Awards.

Put on your scuba gear because we are live from New Orleans. Michael “Casual Male” Cole, Jerry “Mystic Tan” Lawler and CM “Too Good For This Shit” Punk welcome us to what should be a pretty long three hours.

Justin Roberts then introduces our host, David Arquette. Apparently he dropped Courtney Cox and picked up a bong. Arquette reminds us that he was WCW Champion before mentioning Bischoff. If Vince had a comically large hook, he’d use it right now. David name-drops “Ready to Rumble” as he reminds us that he is our generation’s Orson Welles.

Shocker of the Year

I already mentioned the nominees up at the top of the column and don’t wanna copy and paste. On the plus side, I love “Teenage Anarchist” by Against Me!, some fine folks from Gainesville. We get a nice little video recap, which seems to include Randy Orton’s punt to Jericho as a late addition.

The Winner is the Debut of Nexus. Yep, no argument here. Wade Barrett and his spiffy shirt comes out to accept the award. Would it have killed Punk to ask why Wade didn’t bother to wear a tie?

The lone Brit accepts the award on behalf of Nexus, minus most of the guys who were actually part of that attack. Wade says that had he not won NXT, they’d all be working in high school gymnasiums. Well, that was kinda implied. He also says that he has the power to rehire John Cena. No one man should have all that powah. Wade says that if he doesn’t rehire John, he’ll be excommunicated. I thought there was a separation between church and wrasslin.

Wade says he hasn’t decided if he’s going to bring back Cena or drop the MidCard All-Stars, but he promises to create more shocking moments in the near future.

This sets off the GMail. Cole is back reading the messages, despite Punk’s pleas. “And I paraphrase…” Barrett has the chance to give us a shocking moment in a match right now against The Big Show. Ugh, really?

Big Show comes out clapping and he steals Barrett’s Slammy. Hey, he stole Owen Hart’s gimmick. This aggression will not stand, man.

Wade Barrett v. The Big Show

Show goes in the ring and tells Wade to come and get that giant cheap plastic statue. Punk wonders if it’s filled with chocolate. Damn him for stealing jokes I didn’t get to make yet. Just keep your mouth shut and drink your diet soda.

Wade starts the match by stalling, which manages to actually slow down a Big Show match more than Show would have on his own. On the plus side, who doesn’t like heel stall tactics?

Barrett bails to the outside as the fans in New Orleans channel early 80’s audiences. I knew there was a reason I loved that city…aside from Mardi Gras. Show kicks Barrett in the stomach, tosses him in the corner and chops him. Well, that just exhausted 2/3rds of his offense. Again, the benefit here is that Wade sells the chop like he’s about to die.

Wade jams a thumb in Big Show’s eye before kicking at his leg. The fans start to chant for Cena, so I guess the drinking has started early. Wade then gets punched in the stomach and gets clobbered a few times before being launched to the outside.

Show throws him against the barricade and chops him. Doing commentary on a Big Show match is like playing MadLibs. Big Show throws ____ into the ___ and chops him. Feel free to play it at home with your friends during this holiday season (even if my holiday has ended).

Wade bails on the match and gets counted out. Big Show is still selling the eye…or he got pulp in it. Pulp can move, baby. Show lumbers out of the ring as we are shown a graphic for Superstar of the Year. I can’t believe Primo didn’t get nominated. I demand a recount.

Commercial.

We are live in New Orleans. Long before the Superdome, where the Saints of Football Play, lived a city that the damned called home, that now hosts the Slammys.

Despicable Me Award

This one’s being presented by Kelly Kelly, Tyson Kid and Natt Norgan. Kelly tries gallantly to read the prompter before we find out that the bodyguard’s name is Jackson Andrews. So he’s New Ironside?

Tyson Kidd says the shocker of the year was Kelly pronouncing treachery properly. I wonder if he can pronounce misogyny. Kelly turns around and buries him for not being able to cut a promo before throwing to the video package.

Again, the previously released nominees have been modified, with Drew being added to the list. Also added was Vince kicking Bret in the…ahem…yam bags. Yeah, I guess I kinda miss Tazz. A little. We also get to relive Punk’s rendition of Happy Birthday, which instantly brings a smile to my face. Give that man the ten thousand dollars.

The winner is CM Punk. Punk and Cole high five as he runs up the ramp like a Price is Right contestant. Punk hoists Kelly into the air before saying that if you work hard and believe in yourself, you can make all your dreams come true. He says that he did what he did to Rey because Rey wronged him. Punk says that there’s someone else who wronged him and there will come a day when he gets even. I guess he’s going to get revenge on Cena for spilling his soda.

Kofi Kingston comes out with the clapping as we get an inter-promotional match. Daniel Bryan is flanked by The Bella Twins, and he’s rocking his new t-shirt. This Saturday is Tribute to the Troops, which is the most patriotic thing ever in the history of America. Take that, Francis Scott Key.

Kofi Kingston & Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler & Teddy DiBiase w/ Vickie Guerrero & Maryse

So we got Dolph from Hollywood and Teddy from West Palm Beach. It’s South Florida in the house as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Ziggler’s already got a resthold on Bryan. Daniel gets to his feet and elbows Dolph but winds up getting caught with a FameButtEr (We are TV-PG after all). Teddy gets tagged in and he chokes Bryan across the second rope for two.

Dolph gets tagged in and he snaps Bryan’s head against the mat for a two. Teddy gets tagged back in and it amazes me that the best tag work is being done by two guys who aren’t a tag team. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time until Borscht Marinara rears it’s ugly head.

Bryan breaks free from the beating and runs the ropes only for him and DiBiase to do the double-cross-body. Bryan makes the tag to Kofi and he charges the illegal Ziggler. Kofi drops him with chops and hits the Boom Boom Boom. That’s ghanna hurt.

Kofi connects with Trouble in Paradise despite Teddy trying to break it up. I don’t remember the last time a partner went in to break up a pin and failed. Interesting twist. Kofi and Bryan celebrate with the Bellas.

Later tonight, Sheamus will face John Slo-Mo-Rrison.

Commercial.

Did you know if you risk your life for our country that you can watch TLC for free?

Shining Moment

And here comes Borscht Marinara. Lawler says we gotta love these guys. I disagree. Santino reminisces about times when Guest Hosts embarrassed Kozlov and ultimately ends with Marella kissing him.

They set this to a little Cage the Elephant, which I wholeheartedly approve of. Speaking of additions, Wayne Brady getting RKOd was a late addition. Oh, and I absolutely popped for William Shatner once again.

The winner was PeeWee Herman. Shatner got robbed. Herman has taped comments. He says he’s overwhelmed and then thanks The Miz and Big Show. He then plugs his show. Classy.

Punk voices the concern of the masses over Shatner being robbed as we go to the Nexus locker-room. Wade gets surrounded by a bunch of shorter guys spelling out the word NNNN. Otunga reminds us that if he doesn’t rehire Cena, he’s outta Nexus. David lawyers him by citing the Show match earlier tonight. Apparently this cleared everything up for Wade and he storms off.

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes Mark Hey-Hey Henry. Remember when he was pushed as a main event threat? Yeah, me neither.

Mark Hey-Hey Henry v. Dashing Cody Rhodes

Cody’s magical mirror is a great gimmick. Combined with the mirror on the back of his jacket, this may be the best throwback character in years. Cody demands time to remove his jacket before reminding us that his duck-billed face has been called “pretty”. I cry fowl.

Cody goes for a waistlock into a headlock before being tossed and clotheslined. Henry facepalms him down, which leads Rhodes to yell that it’s his face. Rhodes dropkicks Henry’s leg and drops a few boots to Henry’s body. Cody locks in a resthold and, to borrow some Spade, I can actually hear Henry getting fatter. By the way, 250,000 people have voted so far for Superstar of the Year. So glad we have an information superhighway.

Henry muscles Cody into the corner before hitting a Kool-Aid Splash. Cody moves the second one and hits the Kelly Clarkson Kick. Rhodes comes off the second rope with a knee to the spine for the pin. Cole calls this an upset, which makes sense since Rhodes holds victories over Triple H and Shawn Michaels while Mark Henry’s beaten…um…Chris Masters.

Commercial.

Holy William Shatner Sitcom Moment

Jerry Lawler is presenting the award and he’s in his old get-up. His copresenter is Vickie Guerrero who seems to be wearing a garbage bag. Lawler makes a busted penis joke before fumbling through the banter. Vickie says that she popped when Cole cost him the title. Jerry responds by calling her fat. She yells her catchphrase like Bart on Conan.

“Kofi’s so high.” That line always gets me. Speaking of which, that mid-air RKO is insane.

The winner is John Cena killing Batista. Since John is fired and cannot be there, they accept on his behalf. Wade Barrett comes out (from the back, not in terms of his sexuality…because I’m pretty sure he’s just very, very British) and takes the Slammy. He says that he’s going to announce if he’s rehiring John Cena. Wade’s decision is that John Cena is taking his talents to South Beach. Actually, Wade says he won’t make his decision unless Cena appears and faces him man-to-man.

John Cena appears from the crowd, hugging children and greeting the elderly. Had there been more time, he would have cured the lepers. Wade says he has to think long and hard (that’s what she said) and this decision affects everyone, including The Nexus. This prompts Nexus to parade out to the ring. They surround Cena, so he takes off his shirt. Logical move in a fight, right?

Wade says that Cena is officially rehired on two conditions: 1) he agrees to face Barrett his Sunday in a chair match and 2) he gives the world John Cena versus David Otunga. Um, what world are we talking about? Have we discovered a planet where Otunga can work? Also, wouldn’t you make better conditions like a percentage of his merchandise sales? It’s not exactly like the Nexus shirts are selling like Austin 3:16.

Nexus hops up onto the apron and Nexus all jumps Cena. Wade grabs a chair and delivers what Cole calls a wake-up call. Remind me not to get a Nexus alarm clock. Don’t forget to try the veal.

Commercial.

Next week, Smackdown will air live on Tuesday. Sweet.

We relive Nexus beating down Cena, in case during that commercial break our Alzheimer’s kicked in.

David Arquette is back and he’s dressed like Elvis. Arquette says he’s opening a theater in the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood before introducing the WWE Fan Reaction award.

WWE Fan Reaction Award

It’s a collection of fans over-reacting. This is golden. The winner is of course Angry Miz Girl. We bring out Angry Miz Girl who thanks her dad and the fans actually heckle her. Awesome, The Miz comes out with The Mizfit. He goes on one knee and taunts her. He takes her Slammy Award and Punk asks if he’s going to sing Happy Birthday. Miz asks for her to show the face before he rips off her gimmick like he did Punk’s. The girl walks away crestfallen as Mizfit wanders down to the ring holding that and the brieface.

The Miz calls this year a grand slam. He finds it amazing that this is the Slammys despite there being three more weeks. Miz promises that the moment of the year is going to be him destroying Orton and proving why he is the most Must See Champion. He is the “Mad About You” of champions, the “Wings” of title holders and the “Caroline in the City” of strap holders.

The GMail goes off and announces that Miz and Orton will face former champions tonight. Miz will face…Rey Mysterio.

The Miz versus Rey Mysterio

Rey comes out shirtless, which throws me off a bit. He does hit mystical pyro and I find it odd that he was just standing by to fight since this was an impromptu match. Guess it’s a good thing Miz was already in his ring gear. What a coinkidink.

Miz hammers away on Mysterio early as we await the inevitable Del Rio run-in. Rey headscissors Miz out of the ring before connecting with knees to the outside as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Miz has Rey in a resthold. Mysterio gets notified that we’re out of commercial so he breaks free. Miz and Mysterio botch Rey’s bulldog twice before dropkicking Miz into the 619 position. This brings out Alberto Del Rio and his talis. Rey runs out of the ring but decides to charge back at Miz, who flips him into the apron.

Miz whips Rey into the ring for a two-count. That seemed like a lot of work for nothing, kinda like Bobby Lashley’s push. Miz hammers away on Rey before setting him up on the second turnbuckle. He goes for a suplex but Rey breaks free. He hits a seated Senton and a crossbody for two. Mysterio gets caught with a boot but he rolls through and kicks Miz in the head for two.

Rey gets kneed in the stomach but drops Miz into the 619 position again. Alberto is on the apron but gets knocked off by Miz. Rey sets Miz up a third time but this time Del Rio takes him out and Miz gets the pin.

From what I can tell based on the amount of his face exposed, Rey seems confused. He chases Del Rio to the back as Miz, Mizfit and David Arquette celebrate. Cole calls this a stable, making this the worst stable since The J.O.B. Squad.

The GMail goes off again. “And I paraphrase…” Orton’s opponent tonight is Randy Orton versus Alex Riley and David Arquette. Do we really need to keep reminding people that Arquette was WCW Champion? David actually celebrates the announcement, which completely buries the entire reveal. Who keeps thinking he’s a good idea?

Commercial.

Oh Snap Meltdown of the Year

Edge is out to present the award and he jokingly reminds us about how Edge nearly killed Kane’s father. Edge says he needs a co-presenter, which brings out Christian. Best. RAW. Ever. Yep, I’m willing to jump to that conclusion that quickly. We’ll just forget that Edge was who turned on him.

Christian says that the pec is fine and he hopes Alberto Del Rio wins because he hasn’t forgotten what Del Rio did to him. Wait, that was all we got for Edge and Christian? Would it have killed them to do a five second pose?

The winner is Edge for destroying the GMail. Edge says that he’s always been calm and rational before saying the GMail is a gutless coward. Christian turns on his cell phone and gets a GMail. Apparently he was just screwing with Edge to calm him down. Edge says that on Sunday he’ll be World Heavyweight Champion, but after all these years one thing remained the same: Michael Cole is still a massive tool. Cole asks how do you win an award for destroying a computer.

Sheamus v. John Slo-Mo-Rrison w/ Beard

Sheamus is still dressed like Loki. This as gotta be a rib…a McRib.

Sheamus muscles Morrison into the corner and unloads on him. Morrison tackles him and they trade blows as the ref tries to separate them. Sheamus jumps Morrison and the ref calls for the bell. They still keep punching one another as the zebras come out. The fans chant “Let them fight”, which sets off the GMail. “And I paraphrase…” Sheamus and Morrison won’t resolve their issue tonight. They will face each other at TLC, with the winner being the #1 Contender in a ladder match. Because nothing settles a bloodfeud like climbing and retrieving. I’ve often faced mortal enemies in chutes and ladders.

Sheamus grabs a ladder and stands there for a good three minutes waiting for Morrison to stand. He then rams the ladder into John’s ribs before kicking him in the head. Sheamus launches Morrison out of the ring and through the ladder. Ouch.

Commercial.

We’re back with JTG and William Regal. I guess this is the “They’re Still Employed” Award.

Knucklehead of the Year Award

JTG asks what’s really hood, which Regal just brushes off. Please just make him the GM. The “winner” is LayCool beating Mae Young, which is impressive since Mae Young won.

LayCool celebrate as they head to the ring for the Battle Royal.

Commercial.

Diva Battle Royal

There are a lot of Divas out there. I miss AJ. Katelyn gets dumped first, followed by Rosa Mendes. Snukette gets dumped third. The announcers take time during this match to just recap everything else that happened.

Kelly gets leg scissors around Michelle and almost dumps her but Layla saves her partner and eliminates Kelly. Beth drops Melina on the top rope and knocks her out of the ring. Gail Kim gets some offense, which might be the first time she’s done anything on RAW in months. Layla rolls up in a ball and gets eliminated. She turns around and tires to eliminate Beth Phoenix, which helps Michelle eliminate her. Our final two are Michelle and Natalya. Michelle dropkicks Nat and wins. So now both members of LayCool have a Slammy. How cute.

The GMail goes off because at TLC they will face Natalya and Beth Phoenix in the first ever Diva Tag Team Tables Match. What a waste of perfectly good furniture.

Commercial.

We’re back with a replay of Edge’s wacky prank that may have killed Paul Bearer.

Edge v. Kurt SwAngle

Edge and Swangle lock up and Swangle takes him down with a great tackle. He muscles Edge to the corner before putting the boots to him. Swangle hammers away on Edge again as he tries to remind the fans that he did in fact win the World Heavyweight Championship.

Edge fires back with some punches but gets taken down with a gutbuster. Swangle grabs a resthold so that Cole can again remind us what happened tonight. Edge breaks free and connects with a clothesline before dropping Swangle for two. Edge gets caught with a belly-to-belly for two. Swangle goes for the running Vader Bomb but Edge gets the feet up. Swangle tries to turn that into an AngleLock but Edge breaks free. Swangle goes for the Gutwrench Powerbomb but gets caught with an Impaler. Edge connects with a Spear and Swangle is back to being a JTTS.

Miz and Mizfit are in the back, and how embarrassing that they’re wearing the same shirt. Arquette shows up in his karate gear. He says that they both had doubters during their title runs and they are both awesome. Miz says he has one goal in mind: putting Orton through a table. Mizfit has one goal in mind too: walk a straight line.

Commercial.

We’re back with the announce table, complete with Punk’s Slammy. Cole presents the Video Game Moment of the Year award, as this show finds a new low. What is this, Spike?

Well, it’s the Big Show.

WWE Moment

Show says the microphone is too short before talking about memorable moments like Hogan/Andre or Austin 3:16. We get the super serious music for the WWE Moment. Well, the Cena getting fired moment’s kinda lost it’s oomph.

The 2010 Moment of the Year is Undertaker/Michaels. We get a prerecorded Shawn Michaels video. He’s at an undisclosed location because he doesn’t want them to make him come back. He thanks the WWE Universe and says we’ll see him one of these days. You hear that Helms? He’s not through with you yet! Well, I think in that case he is.

Commercial.

I’m hearing voices and since I know the meds are working, that can mean only one thing…Randy Orton.

Randy climbs to the top rope and points to the heavens, obviously channeling the spirits of fallen wrestlers to give him strength as he tries to carry these two goofs.

Randy Orton v. The Mizfit and David Arquette

Orton takes out the Mizfit with uppercuts. Mizfit eats a clothesline before going back to the uppercuts. Mizfit gets whipped into the corner but gets the boots up. Arquette gets tagged in and drops an axe handle. Randy gets up and kicks him before humping the mat. David tags in Riley, who gets his face stepped on. That’ll sober him up.

Cole points out again that Miz is the most “Must See” WWE Champion of all time. He’s the “Veronica’s Closet” of WWE Champions. Mizfit now stomps away on Randy for a bit but gets hit with another clothesline. Randy then pulls out the same scoopslam Patton used on the Axis Powers. Orton then hits the RKO for the pin.

Miz grabs a table and puts it in the ring. Arquette helps set it up as Miz drags Randy towards the pressed table. Randy fires back and tries to powerbomb Miz, but gets hit by Arquette. Orton grabs him and powerbombs David Arquette through the table. In spite of all of this, Arquette may be the most legitimate WCW Champion that the WWE has pushed in years.

Commercial.

We’re back with stock footage of Bourbon Street as the announcers recap the TLC card.

Michael Cole is out to present an award. Super.

And I Quote Award

If this were the 80’s, line of the night would have a totally different meaning.

The winner is Michael Cole. He thanks the Cole-Miners and The Miz before being cut off by Nickelback. Oy.

Commercial.

The final award of the night is being presented by Theodore Long. Why don’t they ever announce him as the former manager of Doom? Begging for a little respect.

WWE Superstar of the Year

The winner of Superstar of the Year is John Cena. Sorry Zach Ryder, maybe next year. Cena says it was amazing to win this award since an hour ago he was unemployed. John talks about partying on Bourbon Street, which I can say is the best time you’ll never remember. He then promises to destroy Nexus. Again. He’s had the job for like 30 seconds and he’s already back to his old shtick.

John Cena v. David Otunga w/ Nexus and a Hoodie

12 Stones are ringside because they wrote the Nexus theme. Wade reminds us that earlier tonight he did a Sinatra impression, which is what he’s going to do at TLC.

Otunga heads out to the ring looking all hood in his hoodie. As soon as he gets in the ring, Nexus peels off one by one until David is left all alone. Cole calls this déjà vu, but I’ll have to check with the kitchen.

Cena slams Otunga before unleashing a chop. Really? ANOTHER guy who relies on chops? I’m begging. Cena slams Otunga again. Cena whips Otunga in the corner but David misses before John can take him out. David seizes the moment to pound away before debuting his awful version of The Pounce. Cena realizes that it’s almost 11:11 so he just locks in the STFU.

After the match, Cena beats Otunga with the chair until he starts yelling “Toby!” John drags David into the middle of the ring and dedicates the next chair shot to Wade Barrett. He then beats Otunga out of the ring. John yells while holding the chair, so Wade holds up his own chair and we fade to black.

This has been for your consideration.