Satires have existed long before films. Knight of the Burning Pestle by Francis Beaumont, first performed in 1607, is cited as being the first whole parody play in English. This play mocked the upper class, the middle class, and other plays themes of the time. The point is that parodies are nothing new, especially nowadays with the emergence and success of the Scary Movie franchise a decade ago. Since then, theatres have been filled with these (mostly mediocre) films from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, including Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and so on. Vampires Suck is the latest of these parody films from Friedberg and Seltzer, and they continue to struggle to capture the humor and fun of the series that catapulted this genre: Scary Movie.
Vampires Suck has a specific target audience, and anyone who hasn’t seen (or read) the Twilight series will be completely lost as the plot is reliant on the viewer knowing the story of the Stephenie Meyer novels. However, with movies like these, usually the more the viewer knows about the source material, the funnier the film is. In this case, the opposite is true: I know the Twilight series thanks to my girlfriend’s obsession. I have seen the movies multiple times, and know the story well. In the case of Vampires Suck, the more the viewer knows of the original material, the more they will feel the need to throw his or her Blu-ray Disc in the trash.
Vampires Suck is the story of an emo girl, Becca Crane (Jenn Proske), and her love affair with the vampire, Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter – Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Disaster Movie). In Twilight, the obvious battle is whether Bella will choose the vampire Edward or the werewolf Jacob as her lover; that is not really a dilemma here, which leaves me scratching my head. How does a Twilight parody leave out that the Bella character is torn between two lovers? In Vampires Suck, Becca presumably has a relationship with Edward Sullen, though this is never actually shown, and instead, is implied. Edward decides to leave Becca for her own safety, but when he fears she might be dead, he decides to expose himself as a vampire, which will get him killed by the elder vampires. Again, anyone who hasn’t seen Twilight will find it near impossible to follow this plot.
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer – the duo that wrote and directed Vampires Suck – have managed to fit just about every pop-culture reference into the 82-minute time frame as humanly possible, including “the douchebags from Jersey Shore” (their quote, not mine). The Jonas Brothers, The Wizards of Waverly Place, Taylor Swift, Chris Brown, and purity rings are all included, but not one reference manages to be funny or creative. In fact, the only time I laughed out loud was when Jacob’s wolf pack came out and started doing something I genuinely didn’t expect. Excepting this one moment of humor, the parody tried too hard to be funny, which never works.
The acting is difficult to judge in a film like this as it is supposed to be over-the-top and unrealistic. The cast had potential to be hilarious, with the likes of Ken Joeng (The Hangover, Knocked Up, Role Models), Diedrich Bader (The Drew Carey Show, Office Space), Ike Barinholtz (Mad TV), and Dave Foley (The Kids in the Hall, Newsradio), but these actors were almost all underutilized by the directors. The only actor above who was used well was Deidrich Bader (who played Becca’s father). This is not the actors’ fault, obviously, but the directors’.
One character that stands out is Jennifer, played by Anneliese van der Pol (That’s So Raven). She was overacting her ass off, but it managed to work for her more so than the others. She managed to make me smile the most thanks to her commitment to the absurdities that were happening around her. Jenn Proske, playing Becca, was beautiful, but underwhelming as a Bella parody. Anyone who knows anything about Kristin Stewart knows how often she bites and/or licks her lips. Proske only bit her lip one time throughout the entire film. This shows a disregard to the source material that I have respected Friedberg and Seltzer for in the past. In fact, this film suffers from this fact throughout: the filmmakers could have watched the Twilight series once and gotten everything they needed out of it to produce this movie, which is a disappointment. When watching a parody film, I want to feel like the filmmakers have studied the source material extensively. That isn’t the case at all with Vampires Suck.
I’m not one to shun a movie easily because I understand how difficult the process is, and respect the commitment by the actors, directors, writers, and so on, greatly, but Vampires Suck would have been more aptly named Vampire Parodies Suck. I know that is a terrible “joke”, but that is what Vampires Suck is: one bad “joke” after another, for nearly an hour and a half. With a nonsensical plot, stupid humor that rarely manages to be funny, and little respect paid to the source material, Vampires Suck is an obvious cash grab attempt that fails miserably.
The comedy is given a widescreen presentation with a 1.85:1 contrast ratio. The movie looks good on a high definition television, but is not the best I’ve seen. There are no “wow” moments, but that could be said for the entire film, not just the visual aspects.
As for the audio, Vampires Suck offers English 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio, and French 5.1 Dolby Digital. Again, there are no noteworthy moments in the film where the audio stands out, and it is perfectly acceptable. It also offers English SDH and Spanish subtitle options.
Digital Copy of Vampires Suck – Theatrical Version (1:22:07): To note, the theatrical version is less than two minutes shorter than the unrated version. This is a standard digital copy of the theatrical version of the movie.
Deleted Scenes (12:34): This contains nine deleted scenes. Some of them were actually extended scenes while others were completely deleted. A couple of these deleted scenes would have helped to add some plot points in, but were executed terribly, which is probably why they were cut. There is one scene that was deleted that gives Ken Joeng more dialogue, and lets him do his thing. There is a moment in the scene where Matt Lanter starts laughing out of character, so this may be why it was cut. Joeng was the best thing going for this film coming in, but he was underutilized at every turn. This scene would have brought him to the forefront, where he deserved to be. Aside from this one scene, I’m glad these were cut because they only would have added to the stupidity of the film.
Gag Reel (3:51): I love gag reels because they give a glimpse into who the actors really are. This gag reel, though, was underwhelming. In a movie with Ken Joeng, Diedrich Bader, Ike Barinholtz, and Dave Foley, one would have to believe there are far funnier outtakes than what is presented here, which are mostly of train horns or airplanes overtaking a scene.
Sneak Peek (4:47): These are trailers for Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps and Cyrus. Cyrus stars John C. Reilly, Jonah Hill, and Marisa Tomei and looks hilarious.
Exclusive: Who Makes a Better Lover? Vampires or Werewolves: (2:34): This is one of the BD Live Features that one can stream (for fastest viewing) or download (for highest quality). It features the cast debating who is the better lover, a werewolf or a vampire. Another feature that most could live without. Note that your Blu-ray player needs to be connected to the internet to take advantage of this feature.
Theatrical Trailer (1:37)
This Blu-ray release has little going for it: the movie is terrible, the special features are pointless, and the audio and visual quality is merely average for a Blu-ray. Though the target audience is “Twi-hards”, even my girlfriend – an absolute “Twi-hard” who will laugh at almost anything – agreed that this movie was rubbish. By all means, avoid this movie.
Fox Home Entertainment presents Vampires Suck. Directed by: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer. Starring: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Chris Riggi, & Diedrich Bader. Written by: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer. Running time: 82 minutes. Rating: PG-13. Released on Blu-ray & DVD: November 30, 2010.
