Live from Minneapolis, MN
Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Matt Striker
Dolph Ziggler v. Daniel Bryan
This is champion v. Champion, but neither title is on the line. Why? BRAGGING RIGHTS, of course. Vickie Guerrero points out in the pre-match promo that “[Dolph] could choose any woman in the world, but instead he chose me!” You have to love someone willing to make themselves look so stupid for their artform. Why Striker does it eludes me, however. Bryan immediately goes for a leglock, but Ziggler gets into the ropes. He grapples Bryan for two, but almost falls into a Lebell Lock before escaping the ring. He hides behind Vickie, but Bryan leaps right over her and hits Dolph with a high knee from the apron in a nice spot. Back in, Bryan with a dropkick into the corner, but Dolph necksnaps him and adds a neckbreaker for two while we get a bunch of pointless replays. The directors really need to learn what a transition move is and lay off the coke, or some combination therein. Ziggler grabs a hold and goes for another neckbreaker, but Bryan counters to a backslide for two. Ziggler comes back with an inverted powerslam (slamming Bryan face-first, basically) and that gets two, and we hit the chinlock. Ziggler follows with a Perfect necksnap for two, and drops the elbow for two. Back to the chinlock, but Bryan fights out, only to miss a blind charge into the corner. I wish Bryan would do less sometimes. It’s great that he takes a crazy flat-back bump on a minor spot like that, but just running into the corner and falling back for the normal bump works just as well and is a bit less scary. Ziggler misses his own charge and Bryan kicks the shit out of him with his awesome combo, making the comeback. Flying enzuigiri gets two. And yet THAT they don’t show a replay of, even with dead space following it? Bryan with another high kick into a springboard missile dropkick for two. Ziggler ducks a kick and rolls him up for two. Dolph goes for the Zig Zag, but Bryan blocks it for two. Bryan goes up and gets brought down, but Dolph follows him up and suffers the same fate. Bryan tries a superplex, but Dolph reverses in mid-air for two, and Bryan reverses THAT on the mat for two. Love that sequence, people need to steal that one more. Dolph goes for the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, but Bryan escapes and they collide for the double count. They slug it out on the mat and Bryan gets a great high kick, but Dolph falls into a rollup and gets two. They reverse the pinfalls until Dolph hits a fameasser out of nowhere for the apparent pin…but the foot was on the ropes. Sleeper attempt #2 is countered by Bryan, but Dolph hangs on until Bryan is forced to get the ropes. Dolph stops to reveal his evil plan like a Bond villain, and Bryan sucks him into the Lebell Lock at 16:16 as a result. Great match, as Dolph hung with him all the way and they maintained a fast pace throughout. Plus Dolph looked like a legitimate threat, even in losing. God bless Daniel Bryan and his string of great openers thus far! ***3/4
Meanwhile, Team RAW argues about who the captain is. Santino tries to redirect the conversation to snacks and beverages, but to no avail.
Dashing Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre, the tag champions for about 5 seconds, do the usual “We’ve beaten everyone and we have no competition” speech, prompting an e-mail from the anonymous RAW GM. Once they reveal Cole as the GM, they should just go all Fight Club with it and have Cole be totally unaware of his own alter ego. So anyway, the orders tonight: the champions must defend against Nexus, which in this case is David Otunga and John Cena. What a horrible punishment for Cena, having to receive a tag title shot against a couple of midcard schlubs. Stuff like this is why no one gives a shit about the tag belts. Otunga insists on starting, so the champs double-team him immediately in the corner and pound on him. Drew gets two off that. Double suplex, but Otunga tags Cena in. Dashing Cody Rhodes pounds away in the corner, but Cena no-sells it and suplexes him for two. Delayed suplex on Dashing Cody gets two. Otunga demands a tag, but that distraction allows Drew to attack Cena from behind for two. Dashing Cody with a Goldust sliding punch for two. Cena fights back on Drew, but he gets faceplanted for two. Cena comes back with his usual routine on Drew, but Dashing Cody tags himself back in. Crossroads is reversed to the STF and Nexus is the tag champions at 6:35. Otunga celebrates like he just ended Undertaker’s WM streak, but Cena’s too cool for that and gives Otunga the FU. That’s some pretty poor sportsmanship there. Otunga gave Cena a belt and everything! Total throwaway tag match. *1/2
Ted Dibiase v. Goldust
Holy god do I feel old considering that I can remember their fathers feuding with each other in 1990. But then at work I felt even older when a very young new employee was watching Family Guy with me and actually asked me what the deal with the giant chicken was. I am saddened and yet not surprised that the Million Dollar Belt is now the Million Dollar Championship. What championship exactly is it representative of? It’s not an actual title or abstract concept, it’s just a BELT. Vince McMahon and his OCD drives me a bit nuts. Goldust dumps Dibiase, but Dibiase catches him coming in and hammers away on the mat. Dropkick gets two. Dibiase goes to the chinlock and stomps him down for two. And back to the chinlock again. Goldust escapes that predicament with a backdrop suplex and makes the comeback, but gets dropkicked coming off the top rope. Dibiase gets two off that. Goldust with a powerslam for two. Dream Street is countered by Goldust, but Dibiase gets a spinebuster instead for two. They collide in the corner while the chicks brawl outside. Goldust of course gets distracted and clobbered for the pin at 7:28. Another catfight allows Goldust to steal the belt again, which is really the only way that particular “championship” changes hands anyway. This would have been fine for, like, Superstars, but not a PPV match. ** Pro wrestling is of course unique in that someone can assault an opponent and steal their personal property, on worldwide pay-per-view television mind you, and yet still be considered the good guy despite facing no legal ramifications whatsoever.
Divas title: Layla v. Natalya
Layla works the arm, but Natalya gets a delayed suplex for two. Layla dropkicks her out of the ring, but Natalya takes out Michelle McUndertaker. This allows Layla to jump her and get a seated dropkick in the ring for two. Natalya slams out of a bodyscissors and gets a short clothesline for two, and a butterfly suplex. Dropkick gets two. Discus clothesline sets up the Sharpshooter, but Layla bails decides to call it a night. Nat drags her back in, but stops to verbally counsel McCool, resulting in Layla getting the cheap pin at 4:56. THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE. **
Smackdown World title, BURIED ALIVE: Kane v. Undertaker
Taker attacks on the floor and sends Kane into the stairs, and into the ring for a beatdown in the corner. They head back into the crowd again, where Taker assaults Kane with some of the pussiest looking punches I’ve ever seen him throw. C’mon, at least pretend to give a shit. They continue their lazy battle along the floor as Striker says “incapacitated” about a million times. Taker with the guillotine legdrop, and he throws a chair into the ring and chases Kane away with it. And…it’s back into the crowd again. That goes nowhere, so they head back into the ring, where Kane beats him down with some incredibly gentle chairshots. I understand the reasoning, but that just makes it all the sadder. If you book a street fight style match like this and one guy is unable to work at even 10% of what he needs to, then you shouldn’t have booked that match. Kane gets a pair of chokeslams and carries Undertaker out to the floor and over to the grave, where they slug it out. That lasts forever, as they disguise Undertaker’s lack of mobility with whatever stalling and match padding they can think of. Question: When Undertaker leads Kane around on the floor by the head, what exactly is he supposed to be compelling him with? I can understand, kinda, when someone is pulling the hair of an opponent to make them move, but Kane is bald. Is Undertaker glamoring him like he’s on True Blood or something? Is he a Jedi? Taker gets the gogoplata on the grass and chokes Kane out before tossing his lifeless body into the grave (that’s called “murder” in the real world, for those keeping track), but finds it more pressing to beat up Paul Bearer instead of burying Kane and thus winning the match. And then Nexus runs in for no adequately explored reason, beating up Undertaker and allowing Kane to hit him with the URN OF DOOM. Nexus shovels the dirt on Undertaker until Kane chases them away and uses his magic powers to make a backhoe appear out of nowhere to finish the job at 17:03. Oh, and fireworks comes out of the headstone, but that’s peanuts next to the invisible heavy machinery. Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t it, I dunno, a tad impersonal to have some anonymous truck driver doing your dirty work for you? If you really HATE someone, wouldn’t you want to personally shovel the dirt on their grave yourself? What’s the etiquette here? -***
Meanwhile, Randy Orton gives an interview about John Cena, COMPLETELY UNCONCERNED that a man was just MURDERED on live TV. I mean, did anyone actually establish that the loser would be unearthed safely? The Undertaker’s life may be OVER and Josh Matthews just gives a smiling throw to Orton so he can bitch about his petty problems with Nexus. Kane just hit his own brother in the face with an urn and then buried him under six feet of dirt! Isn’t anyone else a bit worried about the well-being of the competitors here? Oh, wait, it’s time for the elimination tag match, never mind.
Bragging Rights match! Team RAW (The Miz, CM Punk, John Morrison, Ezekiel Jackson, Santino Marella, R-Truth and Sheamus) v. Team Smackdown (Big Show, Rey Mysterio, Jack Swagger, Tyler Reks, Kofi Kingston, Alberto Del Rio and Edge)
I remember Tyler Reks having a really good look during his brief ECW run. What the hell happened to him? Did they actually tell him to grow his hair into dreads until he looked like a reefer-smoking douchebag? Dude was doing just fine ripping of Macho Man, they should have let him be. Reks starts with Morrison and hammers him in the corner, but John fires back and gets a rollup for two. Reks puts him down again with a shoulderblock for two, but Morrison dropkicks him into the corner and brings Santino in. He drops an elbow for two and sets up for the COBRA , but Reks gets a Burning Hammer to eliminate Santino at 2:38. Can’t fault the finisher, regardless of how stupid the hair is. Jackson comes in and wants Big Show, so they oblige. Show pounds away on Jackson in the corner and Rey springboards in for two. Jackson fights off both Rey and Kofi and brings Sheamus in, and he gets a slam on Kingston for two. Kofi comes back with the boomdrop and gets the SOS DDT, but Sheamus is in the ropes. Kofi slugs away in the corner, but Sheamus finishes him with the high cross at 6:50.
Over to Rey, but CM Punk beats him down for two. Powerslam gets two. Sheamus comes in with a short clothesline for two. Rey fights back, but Alberto Del Rio tags himself in and then “accidentally” collides with Rey to knock him off the apron. Then he “accidentally” tosses him into the railing before going back in and covering Punk for two. OK, to be fair, that second one seemed pretty deliberate, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Del Rio with a german suplex on Punk for two as Rey gets escorted out of the match by the crack EMT personnel. So I guess he’s done. But really these are the same medical professionals who let someone with a serious injury go back into the match as long it’s dramatic enough, so you never know. Meanwhile, Morrison hits Swagger with a springboard kick for two. Swagger rolls him up for two. Morrison with a sunset flip for two. Swagger with a powerslam for two. Pump splash hits boot, but Swagger tries the anklelock anyway. Morrison counters him into the corner, and Starship Pain finishes at 13:12.
Reks comes in with a clothesline on Morrison for two, and goes to a neck vice. Sheamus comes in, but gets dominated by the power of, wait, never mind, Brogue Kick finishes at 14:45. Show dumps Sheamus and Sheamus beats up his midget countryman, and that gives us a double countout to get rid of Sheamus and Show at 15:35. What is this, 1988? So Edge and Del Rio are 2-on-5 against RAW, but Edge spears Truth at 16:50 to get rid of him. So there’s 6 guys left in the match, which is coincidentally how many people bought this PPV. Another spear kills Morrison dead at 17:20. Crowd kinda wants a spear on Punk, but not enough to chant for it with any enthusiasm. So Del Rio comes in instead, only to fall victim to a Punk backslide at 18:14. Del Rio totally blows off the loss, but Rey comes out and attacks him, so I guess he’s back in the match. Because, really, who gives a shit about this match anyway. Miz beats Edge down, finally getting into the match, and chokes him out on the ropes for two. Jackson drops an elbow for two. I hate when guys do a pretend elbow drop where they go down with their elbow and then just kind of slap the mat when they land. If you’re gonna do an elbowdrop, do an elbowdrop. Miz with a backbreaker for two, and Punk stomps away in the corner, but Edge gets an electric chair and makes the hot tag to Rey. I guess Smackdown are the babyfaces now. Rey gets a crossbody on Punk for two, and a sunset flip for two. They do the pinfall reversal sequence and Rey gets the 619 to eliminate Punk at 24:17.
Jackson lays out Rey and stomps away, but makes the fatal error of bellowing before a charge and misses. Rey comes back and sets up for the 619, but Zeke completely goes off the rails and forgets the spot. So they do another try of Rey reversing a slam into a DDT, and he finishes with a splash at 26:29 despite slipping off the top rope. UGMO. Over to Miz, but Rey hits both Miz and Riley with a 619, allowing Miz to survive and get two on Rey. Rey rolls out of the Finale, and Edge spears Miz at 27:54 to win the incredibly prestigious trophy for Smackdown for yet another year. This had some fun moments, but we just had a 7-on-7 elimination tag match with much better stakes at Summerslam, so this felt even more pointless as a result. ***
Scary thought: Next year if they do this show again, there might be more people in the arena than watching at home on PPV. Think about THAT.
RAW World title: Randy Orton v. Wade Barrett
Orton slugs away in the corner to start and whips Barrett into the turnbuckles, then drops the knee for two. Orton misses a charge and Barrett stomps him down, but goes to chastise Cena for not adhering to the gameplan. This gives Orton the chance to go to the CHINLOCK OF DEATH, but Barrett reverses to a sleeper. They fight to the floor off that and Orton gets run into the stairs, which gives Barrett two. Wade demonstrates his fisticuffsmanship for two and goes up with a flying elbow for two. This crowd is dead silent. Not that I blame them, this match blows. Barrett with a headbutt for two. And it’s the chinlock we were all waiting for. Barrett with a pumphandle slam for two. They fight to the floor again and Barrett puts Orton down with a big boot, and back in for two. And back to the chinlock again, before Orton fights back with the dropkick. He sets up for the DDT, but the ref is bumped. Really? A ref bump? REALLY? Cena tries to get involved, but Orton knocks him off the apron, and it’s time for Nexus to run in again. Cena fights off Nexus because he’s such a damn good guy and loves Orton like a brother. With Nexus gone, Orton makes the comeback with the powerslam and DDT, but Cena comes in and gives Barrett the FU, thus giving him the win by DQ. So Barrett wins the match by DQ at 17:00, but not the title, thus saving Cena’s job. Nyuk nyuk. Boring match with a convoluted finish. When you need a scorecard to understand the stips, you’re not likely to become involved in the match. *
The Pulse
Strong start with the Bryan-Ziggler match, but it was all downhill from there. In particular the Kane-Undertaker atrocity might have been one of the worst matches ever put on PPV in recent years, and the main event was the nail in the coffin. Nothing to brag about here, indeed. Strong recommendation to avoid.
