Every Monday morning, InsidePulse Movies Czar Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings an irreverent and oftentimes hilarious look at pop culture, politics, sports and whatever else comes to mind. And sometimes he writes about movies.
I had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine this weekend. He had just heard that Jim Harbaugh, then Stanford University Head Football Coach and soon to be Head Coach of the San Francisco 49ers, had interviewed for over five hours. Considering neither of us have had an interview lasting over 90 minutes, including the drive to the place, it’s a bit odd to fathom being at a place for five hours to talk about why you want that particular job.
Considering that the 49ers committed $25 million to the guy, I can’t say I blame them for wanting to spend five hours discussing everything. My buddy wondered what on Earth they could talk about for five hours and I kindly pointed out to him that there’s a lot more to a head coaching interview in the NFL than just “why are you qualified to do this job?” types that populate most interviews. I mean you have a coaching philosophy to map out, who you’d hire as assistants and what kind of connections you have throughout the league, which players currently on the roster you like and whom you don’t and would replace, etc. There are lots to chat about it in that regards but something came to mind. What if it was 20 minutes of actual conversation about the job and four hours of them putzing around?
Listen to me now and believe me later.
I can only imagine what they discussed, but what if it turned into a couple of guys who just got along so well that they opted to just talk? I can see it happening, but I can also see a number of other things happening. So, in the interest of cheeky shenanigans, I present another of my famously hilarious lists.
5. Football Stuff
The odds on favorite, but this is kind of boring to think about. I mean who really gets worked up over the minutia of pro football outside of those paid to do so? I certainly don’t.
4. The Latest Episode of The Bachelor
Football coaches are generally hard-asses, which makes me think somehow Harbaugh is a HUGE closet fan of The Bachelor. And maybe Baalke, too. So why can I imagine them gushing over the episode like a pair of school girls?
3. What both of them thought of Black Swan
Everyone’s been seeing this film and maybe they both loved or hated it so much they just had to talk it out.
2. Girls they’ve both nailed
One of the beauties of The League is new awesome catchphrases. Like the term “Eskimo brother,” which is another guy who has had sexual relations with the same gal you have. See below:
Maybe they were whittling out their Eskimo family tree?
1. Funny YouTube Videos
What happens when you get a bunch of guys with a computer and free time? Dumb Youtube videos. I can only imagine Harbaugh and those two spending hours going “oh yeah, check this out!” repeatedly. We can laugh now, but we all have spent hours watching stupid Youtube videos en masse. So why can’t a couple of meatheads like these two do it?
Then again, these are probably at least five reasons why I didn’t get into the good colleges.
Random Thoughts of the Week
One of the downsides of writing a review is that sometimes a great idea can come to mind that you want to expand upon and can’t. Something popped into mind that was a great introduction but got me thinking. Thus spawned this column, too, as the career of Nicolas Cage has got me thinking. Maybe some actors are really born into the wrong era; this era is filled with lots of ‘em. Preeminently would have to be Nicolas Cage, star of the recent Season of the Witch, who I really think was born about 20 years too late.
Nic Cage should’ve been the biggest exploitation star who has ever lived, as opposed to being an A-list talent with a shocking lack of script-reading ability.
He should’ve been a bigger version of Warren Oates, I think, the kind of guy who does crappy exploitation flicks and has no qualms with the material. Considering the sheer volume of bad films he’s done he seems to really enjoy it. It would be one thing if he just took a lot of bad films for the money. Considering his recent money troubles making the news on the tabloid circuit, it wouldn’t make it surprising if he took Season of the Witch after seeing the check they were willing to pay him as opposed to the actual script . But I am beginning to think his zest in promotion of his films shows that he has a weird joy in making bad cinema. He has a weird joy when he’s making a bad film, like the way he seems to be intensely devoted to greatness in the remake of The Wicker Man. If he’d been his current age in 1975 he’d be the guy making the original Gone in Sixty Seconds because it sounded “cool” to do as opposed to giving him a paycheck. And the more I keep thinking about it the more I begin to realize there’s a handful of actors and actresses who are currently working who should’ve been born in another era besides Cage:
George Clooney – He is always referred to as one of the last real movie stars, in terms of glamour, and he should’ve been a competitor to a guy like Clark Gable as opposed to being reminiscent of him. One can imagine him being the guy Sinatra ripped off, I think.
Megan Fox – Frankly she’d have been a great silent film star. Why? Because actually no one wants to hear her speak in a film, just stand around and look pretty. So if you removed the inability for her to sound remotely interesting for longer than 10 seconds, she could’ve been a massive silent star.
I open the floor now to everyone else: who do you think arrived to the mainstream a bit late?
A Movie A Week – The Challenge
This Week’s DVD – O’Horten
Odd Horten (Bard Owe) is at the end of his career as a railroad engineer. But what will he do from there forward? That’s his dilemma, as forty plus years or so on the job has left him a relic. From here it’s an exploration of his life and his final ride as an engineer. O’Horten, a bit of a quirky film, focuses on Odd’s post-retirement life. A 2007 film from Norway, this is a bit of a relic of film-making too. Why?
Because it’s a quiet contemplative piece about a man reflecting on his life that has just enough quirk in it to keep it interesting.
O’Horten is a film that’s tough to get into because it doesn’t give as much early on as it probably could. There’s nothing that sucks you into the film; it’s almost a war of attrition to keep your interest. This is a tough film to get into but it’s worth it if you make it through the first 20 minutes or so.
Mild recommendation
What Looks Good This Weekend, and I Don’t Mean the $2 Pints of Bass Ale and community college co-eds with low standards at the Alumni Club
The Dilemma – Vince Vaughn has a secret: he knows the wife (Winona Ryder) of his best buddy (Kevin James) is getting stuffed by some other dude. What does he do?
Skip It – The only dilemma about this film is how quickly to run away from it. This is Ron Howard and company slumming it for a paycheck, a MASSIVE one considering how bad this looks.
The Green Hornet – Seth Rogen and a sidekick are superheroes taking on Christoph Waltz.
See It – This has been kicking around for some time, bouncing from a ton of directors and actors in both the roles of Kato and the Green Hornet. I’m curious what Michael Gondry will do with a commercial vehicle.
The Heart Specialist – A romantic comedy involving a hospital, apparently, this is somehow opening wide despite not advertising anywhere of note.
Skip it – This looks like the 35mm film cost more than this ode to romance.
Do you have questions about movies, life, love, or Branigan’s Law? Shoot me an e-mail at Kubryk@Insidepulse.com and you could be featured in the next “Monday Morning Critic.” Include your name and hometown to improve your odds.
Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings his trademarked irreverence and offensive hilarity to Twitter in 140 characters or less. Follow him @MMCritic_Kubryk.
