Oh my, we kick things off with a Wrestlemania piñata…and with Booker T! He looks awfully dapper, as it is announced that he will be the newest member of the announce team. He crawls inside the ring, and busts a move! But it’s over quickly, as Vickie walks out.
We will get qualifying matches , and she addresses the ridiculous excuse for a championship match (Edge and Kelly Kelly against Dolph and LayCool). I loathe sharing a name with her, so she’ll forever be known by her rightful moniker of Joan Cena. She orders Joan into the ring, and blames her for Dolph’s loss. She claims firing her would be too easy, and she wants to go all “Dr. Cox†on her and break her spirit. Oh no, Joan begins talking now. She threatens to quit…don’t tease me! She’s screeching a bunch of adjective, and Dolph thankfully cuts her off. He orders her out, but Joan bitch slaps like she just had her nails done, and shoves Vickie down. This brings out LayCool, and then Edge. They go their separate ways, and we go to…
Commercial.
It’s been a good chunk of time since I last said this, but I STILL hate this Greenday nonsense.
Santino and Kozlov time! I forgot we even had tag team belts. Tamina looks smashing tonight, as well. We get a quick recap of Raw’s shenanigans with the horrible punt from Orton. Finally, J-Gabe and Slater walk out.
Bell rings, and we start with Kozlov and J-Gabe. Gabriel already on his back (ha) and tags in Slater, but he suffers the same fate. Santino in, rolling Slater all around. A TBS-style ad for Triple H’s movie hogs the screen, and Slater in control. Reversal, and Kozlov is in, landing some solid kicks and tossing Slater around. Gabriel breaks up the tag, Santino tosses him out, Santino is thrown out, Slater hits backward DDT, tags Gabriel, to the top rope, 450, and it’s over.
Grade: D+
I think this match had good moments but the length was a joke. I really like the two Corre members and would like to see them prove themselves as more than just minions. Not to mention, Santino and Kozlov are the champs, shouldn’t there have been a bit more of a struggle? I think this match could have been graded higher had we been given more.
Commercial.
And now, our first Elimination Chamber qualifying match. First out, Kofi Kingston. Next, Drew McIntyre.
They circle each other, lock up, back into a corner, Kofi on the top rope and strikes, and this match starts off with a bang. Drew pounces, attacking Kofi. Quick reversal and Kofi is in control. Kofi to the top rope, misses the tall crossbody, but ejects Drew from the ring. Their fight moves to the announce table, and then to the steel steps which Kofi is thrown onto. But wait…
Commercial.
Come back and Drew is still on fire. They slow things back down in the center of the ring. Drew keeps outsmarting Kofi, but can’t keep his shoulders down for three seconds. Although the announcers keep babbling about Raw, the Smackdown boys are tearing it up, as Kofi reverses from a clothesline, whipping around into a DDT, but takes too long for the cover. Kofi getting fired up, Boom Drop, signals for Trouble in Paradise, misses as Drew launches himself towards the ropes. But wait, on the TitanTron, it’s Alberto del Rio watching, which allows Drew to get the Futureshock for the win.
Grade: C+
I enjoyed this match and thought it had all the different elements it needed. It was not five star by any means, but it was wonderful to watch. I always admired Drew for his commitment to his performance. It’s easy to portray your character through movement but his body language while standing still sells it for me, and Kofi is always devoting himself to making it work. This wasn’t off-the-wall fantastic, but it was good enough.
Commercial.
Reyburt makes his way out, followed by Jack Swagger. I hate when they do this! It’s blatantly obvious who will win. Raw does this a lot, but Smackdown was always good about keeping you guessing.
Boom, here we go. Quick-paced right off the bat, Rey in control. Swagger tossed out of the ring and slides like a bar of soap, buttt…
Commercial.
Both men back in the ring, Rey with Jack in the corner, and some very graceful offense from both men. Crossbody from Rey, solid kick, 619 position, but Swagger rolls out. Rey gets hung up on the middle rope, and Swagger uses that inconvenience to attack the knee by bending it hard. He jumps back in the ring, and continues the knee-assault on the mat. Then the ring post. Then the ropes. And both men are out, Rey’s skull kissing the announce table. Swagger goes for a pin, for two. Finally, Rey sneaks some offense in, but Swagger still smothering him. Rey, barely able to stand, goes to the top rope, DDT! 619 position once more, caught by Swagger, Ankle Lock, flips around launching Swagger into the turnbuckle, kick to the face, and pins Swagger for the victory.
Grade: C
Even with Rey’s fast-paced lucha style, Swagger finally had an opponent that complemented him. Swagger’s biggest downfalls have consisted of going against men like Kofi Kingston, who overshadow him with their high-flying maneuvers and flashy spots. Swagger really is great in the ring, and we were able to see that tonight thanks to Rey. I think both men fed off of each other quite well.
Edge backstage with Joan. He shows his nervousness about the match because she’s outnumbered. She’s offended and throws a tantrum.
Commercial.
Cole is yapping again about Lawler, and we’re reminded of his very odd match, before Hornswoggle approaches the ring with the newest Jersey Shore recruit, Rosa. Ricardo announces his hetero life partner, Alberto del Rio. Time for a fiesta!
He says the piñata is just for Hornswoggle, and he wants to share the contents with all his friends. Ricardo puts the blindfold on him, spins him around, and he swings wildly. He swings once more, connecting with Alberto’s man parts, who then attacks the little man. Kofi runs out as the attack is about to begin, and takes Alberto out. Kofi checks on Swoggle, which Alberto uses to run back in and break the piñata stick on Kofi’s mid-section. Cross Arm Breaker and the officials come pouring out.
Commercial.
And we’re back! Booker announces his new gig of being a coach on the Tough Enough revival. Chavo is in the ring, and then Kane enters. Really? Really? This is worse than Reyburt/Swagger. Like Chavo even has a damn chance at this.
Chavo already caught by Kane, but fights his way out. Tosses the big man into the turnbuckle, to the top rope but Kane wraps his fingers around his throat and climbs. Chavo counters, and knocks him down as he again climbs to the top rope. Splash attempt, but Kane catches him again, Chokeslam, it’s over.
Grade: F
This was painfully obvious, painfully short, and yet another misuse of Mr. Guerrero. Smackdown is brimming with talented midcarders. Why not pair up Chavo and Trent Barreta to be the R-Truth style filler, and let the big boys battle it out elsewhere, with creative finishes. Anything works, really. But passing off Kane/Chavo as a qualifying match is like someone trying to decide between champagne and Squirt.
Triple H’s horrendously unpromising-looking movie preview, and we’re back to the nitty gritty. McIntyre, Mysterio, Kane, and Ziggler already qualify, along with the champ himself. Who will get the last spot?
Show enters, I’m guessing he’s facing Wade? Yes, I’m right. He has his minions with him, of course.
Immediately after the bell rings, Show charges, but Barrett hides behind the ropes. Loud chop after loud chop, but Barrett regains control. Show gets backed into the corner, but fights his way out. Show tosses Barrett into the referee, uses Barrett to take out Slater, fights off Gabriel, but Big Zeke clotheslines the hell out of Show. Barrett pins for two! DDT from Wade, pin, for three.
Grade: D
It was cool that although Corre got involved, Show still kicked out and it was Barrett’s DDT that solidified the victory. I think Wade has immense potential, and feuding with Big Show is a bit of a Kiss of Death, but I think he can pull it off for now. I’d like to see this feud end clean, and both of them move on to something else. People tend to get lost in Show’s shadow because he’s too large for their finishers, and he is too powerful for any real struggle. Regardless, this match was awfully short, but was done pretty well considering.
Big Show attacks afterward, but Zeke takes him out. Zeke grabs a mic and says something awfully cryptic. “The end has come, it has awakened against you.†Hopefully this is the end of the feud I was just talking about.
Commercial.
Dolph enters with LayCool and Vickie. Then, Joan Cena enters, followed immediately by Edge. This might be the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. The woman in me is thrilled to see the ladies used as a threat, but the wrestling fan in me is rolling her eyes. We’ll see if they can make this work.
After introductions, Vickie announces that the Spear is banned once more. Here we go!
Dolph’s frustration is evident as he pounces on Edge but it doesn’t last long as Edge is fired up. Eyes bulge a bit before he remembers he cannot use the Spear. Fight moves outside the ring, and quickly back in. The women are tagged in, and they go after Edge but he has to tag Joan. He taunts them a bit before finally tagging. “Ladies and gentleman, Kelly Kelly is defending the World Heavyweight Championship…†How odd does that sound?
Commercial.
Michelle has Joan in the corner, but Joan lands a kicks and climbs onto Michelle’s shoulders. She falls backwards into a handstand over the ropes, legs wrapped around Michelle’s neck still while the ref counts. She dismounts, and does her signature move of shaking Michelle’s head, but Michelle picks her up and smashes her into the barricade HARD. Back in the ring and she stomps Joan. Layla tags in, taking Joan out with a clothesline. Michelle back in, belly to belly suplex, but Joan counters with move number two in her arsenal—the bitch slap. Layla tags in, puts her in a submission but Joan fights out and counters. She crawls towards Edge but Ziggler distracts the ref so that he is unaware of the tag. The ladies work on Joan as Dolph is taken out by Edge, but Michelle’s kick finds Layla instead. “Spear†chants echo, and she Spears Layla…for the victory.
Grade: B-
I thought this was really strange, really exciting, really weird, really boring, and really fun. On the one hand, I think it’s great to see the women shine in a main event on Smackdown, and hope this means there will be hope for their division. But to see the women do the dirty work for the men, kind of feels like a slap in the face as the two elite stars: the champion and the contender. The finish was pretty great, seeing Joan use the maneuver that Edge was banned from using, but I still think the men should have been the ones to win. But, negatives aside, I could barely tear my eyes away and thought it was pretty good overall. Girl power!
Vickie has a scowl on her face as she approaches the ring. She congratulates Kelly Kelly on her final victory and promptly fires her. Tears pour from her eyes as she walks away. My heart is singing right now, but moving on…
Vickie’s not done. There will be a rematch next week on Smackdown, but with a special guest referee who is…Vickie! Zig Zag from Dolph, and the credits roll.
