Welcome to theÂ fourth edition of what I have been told is “the shittiest, amateurish and retarded review of a wrestling programÂ you have ever read”, or, as I like to call it,Â “That Being Said”,Â your weekly recap of TNA Impact. I’m trying out a new format this week. We’ll see how it works.
Beadle: When it comes to TNA, you can want them to drop the mindless crap all you like. Itâ€™s never going to happen. Welcome to the world of Turgid Nonsensical Arseholes.
Blair: Yes. Congratulations on hitting the “acceptance” stage. That’s the one that comes right before the one that I’m at – laughing uncontrollably atÂ TNA’s many failures and marvelling at the fact that they’re still in business.
Seriously though. Are you a TNA fan? I’m not being sarcastic. I can’t tell for sure. If you are, then good for you. Honestly. TNA needs people like you. I’m not insulting you. I’m serious. I don’t know how anyone has stuck with TNA after everything they’ve doneÂ for all these years. So good for you for sticking with it. I mean that. I certainly couldn’t do it. What do you see in them? I don’t see what TNA fans see. I think TNA fans are seeing something that isn’t there.
I see you’re an AJ Styles fan. WOOOOO!Â But, I am too. Always have been, since his ROH days. And, in case you also didn’t read my Final Thought, I’dÂ LOVE to see AJ fight the power in TNA.Â IF I thought they were actually gonna go through with it this time. But, this is, like, the sixth time they’ve given AJ a high-profile spot. They only EVER do it because someone worse than him who came from WWE bailed on them or let them down. Or when someone gets injured.Â So then they give it to him. Then they take it away and send him back to the X Division and turn him back into a bitch, as soon as other ex-WWE guys get there. It’s not that he doesn’t deserve it or that he can’t do it. He does, and he can.. It’s just that the people in TNA, historically… don’t think he deserves it or can do it.
No one hopes I’m wrong more than I do, kids.
PerhapsÂ I should have written this before now – I’m not trying to offend any TNA fans withÂ my articles. I don’t hate TNA. I just find it funny, and I think I’ve done a pretty decent job of at least partially explaining why. No one would be happier than me if TNA actually started living up to even half the potential that it has. I want to see AJ main eventing PPV’s. I want to see Angle wreck shit and kill. I want to see an alternative product. What I don’t want to seeÂ is WWE castoffs like Matt Morgan and Ken Anderson main-eventing a TNA PPV whileÂ Samoa Joe gets kidnapped by ninjas.
So, if you have something more specific and constructiveÂ to say than “go soak you mouth with Cenaâ€™s balls” (amazing), I’d love to hear it. Debate is good, and it’s interesting to hear other points of view. That’s why I like reading Wheeler’s articles – I don’t agree with a lot of his opinions, but his articles are great, and it’s an interesting read.
Again, thanks for all the comments.Â Including the ones from nutjobs.Â Those are lotsÂ of fun too.
So I’ve been watching over the site for Impact reactions over the last little while. I must say, it’s odd to see positive reactions to anything TNA does. Not that it’s a bad thing.Â People seem pretty optimistic about this new storyline. I wish I shared the optimism. I think any rational person would agree that they’ve been let down too many times by TNA, with too many promises of letting AJ keep the torch, and with too many promises of finally letting the actual TNA guys run with TNA.
Everyone is right about one thing, though. ThisÂ is MILES better than anything involving the Main Event Mafia, assuming they execute it right. I just wish they had steered the story this way on purpose rather than coming up with it as a stopgap. And I also wishÂ I knew why Fortune waited this long to move against Bischoff. And I wish I knew why Crimson choked out AJ withÂ that wire. And I wish I knew how Scott Steiner was supposed to fit into this whole thing now.Â And I wish I had faith in TNA that they’ll actually do this right.
But hey – maybe this will be the first time ever that TNAÂ DOES doÂ something right, even if they fell into it by accident. There’s always a first time for everything. Right?Â
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I crack myself up. But I can dream, right? At least, one way or another, it’ll be interesting.Â Allright, enough out of me. Let’s watch some stupid wrestling.Â AJ STYLESSS! WOOOO!
Oh for the love of… they’re going with ROBERT ROODE?!?!
nWo Immortal is here, and Bischoff has stopped trying to dress up for this show.Â Jeff Jarrett and Miss Elizabeth 2.0 are here.Â Jeff Hardy appears as though he just watched Avatar for the first time while high and was like “WHOAAAAAAAAAAAA” beforeÂ sending hisÂ baby mommaÂ out for enoughÂ blue paint to coat the fucking Epcot Centre. Still no Ric Flair. Bischoff says Immortal will not miss a beat without Fortune. Bischoff said that for the last 15 years, he’s been doing nothing but building stars. Like Goldberg, and… um… yeah. Goldberg. Bischoff says that Fortune was only brought on board as a favor to Ric Flair. Then he says that Ric Flair owes him a phone call, really quick. Then Bischoff says that Robert Roode will never be a star. He’s right there. Then he calls Kaz the Clay Aiken of pro wrestling… okay, that’s not bad either. But Kaz is still awesome.
He gives the mic to Jarrett, who calls Fortune out. They come out to a good reaction, and Jarrett tells them to get into the ring. Fortune does so, and Jeff Jarrett apologizes to Bischoff for bringing Fortune on board. Jarrett calls them “son of a bitches” which reminds me of some of the comments I get. Jarrett says they’ve emberassed him and Hulk Hogan. Then he runs each of them down.
Roode grabs the mic and yells “CUT THE HORSE *BOOP*!!!” Roode agrees that Jarrett gave them the opportunity (because they were the only ones willing to work for the money that TNA was offering?) but that they built TNA. Roode says that Fortune are the heart and soul of TNA. But then they started coming to work and seeing washed up old has-beens who came and left, while they were over-looked time and time again. Roode says that they had all kinds of opportunities to go other places, which I seriously doubt, but they they wanted to stay because they love TNA.Â I think Roode is boring as sin, and I didn’t believe that “other places” part, but this was a really solid promo. Then he calls Jarrett “slapnuts” and a brawl breaks out.
Crimson, Angle and Steiner come out to even the numbers. Immortal bails. Jarrett stares down Angle.
I black out for a moment, which I do when girls talk or yell over each other.Â It turns out it’s The Beautiful People and The Ultimate Warrior.Â They’re pushing their chests up against each other and screaming at the same time. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, GIRLS!!! I can’t tell what they’re saying at all until Angelina tells them both to shut up and re-introduces them to each other? Sure, that’ll fix it. Angelina says that basically she just wants her ghost to get along with her BFF. Seems reasonable, she works part-time at the Sunglass Hut and she doesn’t need this kind of stress. Anyway, they startÂ screaming over each other again and then Angelina REALLY screams at them to shut up and that if they don’t get on the same page tonight, that they are going to get killed.Â And in the Knockout division in TNA, that actually seems possible given the last few months. Commercial.
Now we’re in Bischoff’s office, and he’s talking to Hernandez. HERNANDEZ IS BACK!!! I love Hernandez. I guess they finallyÂ remembered they were still paying him.Â Anyway, Bischoff says that he and Hogan (Hogan mention count: 2) always believed in him and that Dixie Carter never did. Bischoff says that he and Hulk (Hogan mention count: 3) want to make Hernandez a superstar, and they know he can do it because he did it on his own in Mexico. He says he just wants Hernandez to hurt a few people along the way. Hernandez says he understands, gives Bischoff a fist pound, and leaves. He doesn’t seem miffed that they left him in Mexico at all, he’s a chill guyÂ like that. So Hernandez is in Immortal now? Good babyface, over with TNA fans since his arrival… sure, why not turn him with no explanation.
6-Man Table Match
Fatt Hardy, The Pope, & Bully Ray .vs. Rob Van Dam, Samoa Joe From Her Majesty’s Secret Service & D-Von
Uh… okay. So Joe chases The Pope out of the arena. Matt Hardy is choking out Van Dam, and D-Von and Ray are brawling on the outside. Van Dam takes control and starts kicking Hardy around, and gives him the Rolling Thunder. D-Von slams Ray into the steps. Van Dam kicks Hardy out of the ring. Hardy grabs a chair but RVD kicks it into him, then dives but Hardy gets the chair up. D-Von and Ray get into the ring, D-Von charges but Ray kicks him and then gives him a low blow. Ray’s sideburns that aren’t attached to his actual hair are pretty awesome.
Ray is going for a table. Taz says this is a table match, which is the first time anyone has called attention to this. Now I have to go edit the above paragraph. Like this isn’t hard enough to keep up with. And I’m using up time complaining about it. But all I missed was Ray calling D-Von’s kids bastards. What’s with all the child abuse on this show?!?! D-Von’s kids jump the barrier and hold Ray on the apron, and D-Von knocks him off into the table.
Winners: Rob Van Dam, Samoa Joe & D-Von
Karen tells Double J he looks handsome. Jarrett says he can’t wait until Angle finds out about the clause he put into the contract. After hearing that, could Angle not just refuse to sign the contract? And aren’t they supposed to be renewing their vows tonight? I hope they brought the kids. Commercial.
Elizabeth and Lex Luger are in the ring now. There’s a ton of TNA security behind them.Â Elizabeth says she hopes that everyone enjoyed last week’s segments, and says… that it was a pleasure for her and Lex to see their own family behind closed doors like that… well, that’s just fucking absurd. She could see them behind closed doors anytime she wanted to.Â Then she says something about being on another show and calls other families dysfunctional. They are getting crazy boos.
Kurt hits the ring to a great reaction. Karen says she wants the kids to see Daddy Kurt and Daddy Jeff and Mommy Karen all getting along and that Kurt doesn’t need to be so hostile. Kurt just says that he wants to sign the damn papers. Double J tells him to watch his mouth, and that the last time they had a match, things got out of control and that Jarrett had to hurt Angle. Jarrett says that if Angle beats Jarrett, he can have full custody of the kids. Karen starts freaking out, even though she was clearly in on what was going on in the segment before. TNA is fucking awesome. Then Jarrett says that if he wins, that during he and Karen’sÂ vow-renewing thing next week, that Kurt has to give Karen away.
Jarrett then signs the contract. He hands it to Kurt, along with a pen. Kurt signs it. Jarrett is very pleased. Karen looks less pleased. Commercial.
HARDCORE COUNTRY, Angelina Love, Velvet Sky &Â Winter .vs. Madison Rayne, Tara, Sarita, & Rosita
This is going to be insane. Rosita is Sarita’s cousin, and this is our first glimpse of her. They dance with each other when they get to the ring. Madison and Tara come to the ring together to Madison’s Goo Goo Dolls cover band ripoff, Tara is dressed like the Oddjob-looking dude that Joe has hired at MI6. They kiss when they get to the ring, then dance around like crazy. HAHAHAHAHA, Winter messes up TBP’s entrance, that was pretty funny. Mickie James comes out to her ripped-off version of “I Love Rock’N’Roll”.Â The intros for this match take longer than the entire 6-man table match.
Angelina starts off with Sarita. They toss each other around and kick each other, and Angelina ends up on the apron and hits Sarita with a cross-body. Rosita gives Angelina a forearm from the floor, then tags in and hits a clothesline. Then Sarita picks up Rosita and tosses her on top of Angelina. They beat her up, and keep tagging each other in and out while they kick Angelina’s ass. Angelina eventually catches a crossbody by Rosita and gives her a bad slam. Velvet tags in, then starts fighting with Winter. Good timing. Rosita grabs Velvet by the hair, and Velvet… drops to the mat? Then stays down for some reason, soÂ Rosita hits her with a nice moonsault, and pins. Mickie, Winter, Tara and Madison never entered the match.
Winners: Madison Rayne, Tara, Sarita and Rosita
Mickie James calls Madison to the ring. Madison starts walking to the ring. Commercial. How is 20 minutes not enough time to make coffee? Or is that guy just REALLY trying to justify what has clearly become a crippling 5-Hour Energy Shot addiction? That’s not as much a commercial as much asÂ it is a cautionary tale or advisory warning.
We are back, and Mickie and Madison are yelling over each other. Madison says that Mickie only came to TNA to be the champion, but hasn’t done it. She runs down Mickie for a few more minutes and leaves.
Jeff Hardy’s avatar, which he is controlling, possibly from prison,Â is talking about Morgan and Anderson fighting each other for the TNA World Title tonight (?!?!?!) and that he is facing the winner on Sunday in a Ladder Match. He says that he will descend the ladder this Sunday, to retrieve the belt… which is literally the exact opposite of how a ladder match works. Commercial.
Angle goes into Fortune’s locker room. He tells AJ and Roode that in their tag-team match tonight, to break Jarrett’s leg. Roode says that if Angle wants, that he will back out of the match to let Angle in it. Angle agrees and thanks him and AJ.
TNA World Heavyweight Title Match
WWE Castoff Ken Anderson .vs. WWE Castoff Matt Morgan
Jeff Hardy has sent his malfunctioning Avatar out to ringside, but he hasn’t managed to fully take control of it yet because he’s stumbling a LOT.Â He’s dragging a neon-painted ladder behind him. He sets the ladder up at ringside and climbs it so we can watch him singing his own entrance music.
So listen, I believe that everyone has a Matt Morgan quota. And I’m sorry, but mine is maxed out for February. So this one just gets the Coles Notes. Matt Morgan pretends that he is a good wrestler. Anderson tries to make some sort of a match out of this while Jeff Hardy has sex with his neon ladder. I gave up making Hogan reference counts by the way, there were way too many, he gets more mentions that people who actually show up to the arena.Â Wow, Matt Morgan really is one terrible wrestler.
So after a ref bump, Hernandez comes in and beats the shit out of Morgan, tosses him into a ringpost,Â and rolls him in the ring.Â That apparently is enough to pin him. Ken Anderson never saw Hernandez.
Winner And Still TNA World Heavyweight Champion: Ken Anderson
Hernandez hits Anderson from behind and throws him to the mat.Â Swanton by Neon Aquaman followed by singing and posing with the Pandora Unobtanium Title. Commercial.
Bully Ray runs down D-Von. He wants D-Von to bring his “two bastard kids” to the PPV with him, and Ray will fight all 3 of them in a street fight, because TNA LOVES child abuse.
Triple Threat TNA X-Division Qualifying Match
Robbie E .vs. Christopher Daniels As Suicide .vs. Bryan Kendrick As An Ex-WWE Guy That They Never Had Any Idea What To Do With And Most Likely Regret Hiring
So they explained how this tournament works now – whoever wins this is in a Triple Threat against the last two winners, the Buck’s. Seems like odd choices, but maybe they have something good planned.
I heard Suicide is Christopher Daniels again, that’s pretty cool… or would be if they didn’t make him be Suicide. Robbie E says something generic, and Suicide takes control. Kendrick wants to wrestle in his robe and also brawls with Robbie. This moves pretty fast, and isn’t all that good. Suicide is working hard though, and Kendrick hits him with some kicks and an enziguri, then a clothesline into the corner. Suicide is unfazed and hits him with a big boot.
Suicide with a reverse move that I can’t name, but it was cool. Robbie E hits Suicide from behind, and pins a downed Kendrick. Suicide couldn’t win in his re-debut?
Winner: Robbie E
So at the PPV, we have Robbie E .vs. The Generation ME kids in a Triple Threat. Welcome to the X Division.Â Phew. Commercial. That new Chrysler Detroit ad with the Eminem beat in it is really well done. Sure, Detroit totally fucking cannibalized ITSELF, but this willÂ help people forget about that (if they haven’t already.) Easily the best ad I’ve seen from them in years.
Tenay and Taz tell us that the PPV this Sunday will determine the future course of TNA. So it’s like every other TNA PPV basically.
Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal are stoned. They talk for minutes, yet discuss absolutely nothing. There was some talk of tattoos.
D-Von is talking with his kids. He says Ray is a jerk. He is bringing his kids to the PPV. LET’S CROSS THE CHILD ABUSE LINE!!! TESTIFY!!! I’ll bet anyone a Coke that D-Von’s kids turn on him.
Jeff Hardy’sÂ AvatarÂ & Jeff Jarrett .vs. Kurt Angle & How CanÂ I Forget AJ STYLESSS! WOOOO!
AJ has sweet new ring attire. People go nuts for him and Angle. I find myself actually wondering if Flair is with Fortune or Immortal. Commercial after the entrances, then Angle and Hardy start. Angle wrestles him down, then Hardy backs Angle into a corner and starts kicking him down. Angle hits a hard suplex for a 2-count, and tosses Hardy into the corner where he tags Jarrett. Jarrett backs down, so Angle keeps kicking Hardy’s ass and tags AJ. They toss him off the ropes and hit a double backdrop. AJ gets a 2-count.
Hardy backs AJ into a corner, and people are chanting for him. Jarrett tags in and beats down Jarrett until AJ reverses a whip and hits a hip toss and an armlock, then tags Angle in. Jarrett bails out of the ring, tagging Hardy on the way out. Angle hits the ropes but Jarrett grabs him from outside, and Hardy hits a clothesline. Hardy punishes him and locks on a sleeper. Now Jarrett is saying he wants in, so Hardy tags him.
Jarrett punching Angle down, with Elizabeth yelling at him. Jarrett reverses a kick and tries an enziguri, which Angle turns into an Ankle Lock.Â Hardy from behind, and he breaks it up. Hardy tags in, and dominates Angle. Angle tries to fight back, but Hardy rakes the eyes and hits another sleeper. Commercial.
Hardy hits a clothesline on Jarrett, and Angle hits back. Both tag their partners, AJ comes in like fire and hits a suplex for a 2-count. Tries a Styles Clash but Jarrett reverses, but AJ gets off a pele. Another 2 count. Hardy from behind with a front suplex. Angle hits him withÂ a German and takes down the straps and starts stalking Jarrett. He goes for the Angle slam but Jarrett slithers out of the ring and Angle chases. Jarrett slides into the ring, but AJ hits a springboard off the rope and pins Jarrett.
Winners: Kurt Angle & AJ Styles
That was a good match that definitely served its purpose and made sense. I call attention to that fact because there wasn’t much else of that on the show. That being said, it was the only match tonight that I enjoyed. Jarrett in from behind and hits the Stroke on both Angle and Styles. Hardy slides back in and hits a Twist Of Hate on Hardy. They keep beating them down, Karen in the ring. Fortune and Angle’s half-MEM come out. Then Immortal comes out. Giant brawl in the ring.
Immortal looks like they have the better of them. RVD eventually hits the ring, and cleans house, until Matt Hardy takes his leg out from behind and keeps working the leg, apparently these two have a match this Sunday. Now Jarrett is working on Roode and yelling at him. Then Mr. Anderson comes out, and he drills a couple Immortal guys. Then they bail.
Well, I’ve seen a lot worse, I’ll tell you that for sure. The PPV will probably be more telling in terms of where they’re going with all this. I don’t quite get why they gave the episode title to Roode and then Roode didn’t do anything besides yell and give his match spot to Angle. Hopefully it doesn’t mean they gave up on AJ already afterÂ negative one weeks, but I don’t think so, the main event of this episode leads me to believe that they’re building to AJ and Hardy for the belt. But then Jarrett was going specifically after Roode. I don’t know.Â OnlyÂ one good match tonight, but you can’t really be too hard on them for that going into a PPV, especially oneÂ that they had likeÂ NO matches lined up forÂ before tonight.
So, I’m going to let it rest and see where the PPV takes us. This has been “That Being Said”. See you on Sunday for the PPV, but until then, remember, if you don’t love everything that TNA does, you areÂ a moron and a WWE mark. You heard it here first.
Tags: Abyss, Anderson, Angle, beer money, Bischoff, Bully Ray, D-Von, Dreamer, Flair, Hardy, Hogan, Jarrett, Kaz, Rob Van Dam, Sabin, Shelley, Steiner, Styles, suicide, Team 3D, TNA, tna impact, tna impact report, TNA Wrestling