Welcome back to “That Being Said”, the red-headed stepchild of Inside Pulse recaps. But TNA is the red-headed step-child of the wrestling industry, so that’s not really as depressing as one might think. No one wants to comment on my recaps anymore. No one invites me to the Roundtables anymore. I have scared everyone away. I am alone. Alone and watching TNA Impact. That’d make a lesser man bulemic, but here I am. This kind of effort under these circumstances makes me more dedicated to TNA than Hulk Hogan. Not that that’s all that impressive. BUT HULK HOGAN WILL BE BACK ON MARCH 3RD!!! THEY PROMISE FOR REAL THIS TIME!!! THINK OF THE TWITTER TRENDING SUCH AN EVENT WILL BRING!
Wow, that was a dark intro. This does not bode well.
QÂ & A
I guess I scared everyone off of being interactive up in here. Or everyone stopped caring about TNA. Eh, either way. So instead…
Random Thoughts Before We Cross The Line:
- I fast-forwarded through RAW on Monday. WWE really seems to bring out the big guns this time of year. I have to hand it to them, regardless of what you think about their product, they RARELY screw up ‘Mania. The buildup anyway.
- Am I the only one who thought that people liked Triple H more than Undertaker on RAW?
- How did Undertaker miss his cue to come through the curtain on RAW? Was he afraid of getting ignited again?
- Hacksaw Jim Duggan in Hall Of Fame is long overdue. First wrestling toy I ever had as a kid was the foam 2X4.
- I still haven’t read Chris Jericho’s book. I really, really want to but life has gotten in the way. Someone tell me, is it as good as I hear it is?
- Anyone else watching Ring Of Honor’s Anniversary Show this weekend?
- JERSEY SHORE AGAIN?!?!?!
- Is WWE un-PG’ing themselves? Based on Cena on RAW and what I’ve heard is on SmackDown this week, it seems like it. Everyone wins there, if that is what’s going on. The idea that you can’t have a mature storyline that won’t offend kids is ludicrous.
- I can’t wait for the Ring Of Honor show this weekend.
Intro
So I was definitely not a fan of the overall direction of the show last week, and I can’t imagine that many people were. They gave a match with a 6-month buildup away for free on TV. Then they threw away THAT finish so that they could make Ken Anderson be Steve Austin. Which he really cannot do. At all. Now they’re going to put Rob Van Dam in Matt Morgan’s spot from a couple months ago and make us watch that for 2 months while Jeff Hardy has sex with himself while singing his way down the ramp.
I am looking a little bit forward to AJ Styles and Ric Flair, but again… is that the sort of thing that, first time ever, they should be giving away for free on TV? TNA can’t do anything right. So of course not. But still, I’m looking somewhat forward to it. Am I looking as forward to that as I am to the Ring Of Honor iPPV on the weekend? Also of course not. What I’m not looking forward to is another 5 segments involving how much Karen Angle Jarrett likes having sex with Jeff Jarrett.
Also, apparently tonight at the end of the show, there will be a HUGE SHOCKING ANNOUNCEMENT THAT WILL CHANGE TNA FOREVER. So to compare it to sometime in the last year or so, it will be like January 4th 2010 when Hogan and Bischoff took over, or March 8th 2010 when Rob Van Dam debuted, or April 19th 2010 when Rob Van Dam won the TNA World Title, or October 10th 2010 when “They” were revealed. Or 2 weeks ago when another “They” was revealed. Or NEXT week when Hogan returns.Â
They seriously need to cut that right out before they descent even FURTHER into self-parody. If that’s even fucking possible.
“Hot At Teacher” (Fuck. Seriously?)
Stone Cold Ken Anderson comes out with a chair. Mr. Anderson says he doesn’t care who’s calling the shots, he has a rematch clause in his contract and he is going to sit in his chair and wait for his rematch. Then he pretends that people don’t like him because he says “asshole” and tries to be funny about it, because swearing is so cool and edgy and can’t be found anywhere else on TV. Then he has a spastic fit and yells “asshole” a lot. He says Rob Van Dam is not a law-abiding citizen.
Rob Van Dam comes out and takes an issue with Anderson saying he is not a law-abiding citizen. Van Dam asks what about the code of ethics regarding what Anderson did to him last week. Apparently RVD and Anderson were best friends or something, which we’ve never heard before, but now RVD’s feelings are hurt. Van Dam says he owes Anderson some payback. Anderson starts talking and RVD punches him. Anderson punches back, and they brawl. Officials come out.
Eric Bischoff comes out with Immortal. He says he was gonna give Anderson his rematch tonight, but that he thinks that Anderson and Van Dam should be the main event. At this, RVD and Anderson start brawling again? Bischoff starts talking about ratings and makes the Anderson / RVD match official. Jarrett whispers something to Bischoff and he babbles for a minute, and then Bischoff makes it a Triple Threat and adds Kurt Angle.
Scott Steiner is in the back, and he’s talking. As usual, a translation will not be possible at this juncture, but it has something to do with his posedown with Rob Terry, and it’s hilarious. Steiner says he is drinking a “James Storm Beer” but does he have time to explain what in the world that means? Of course not, because Eric Young is in the back, also flexing, and talking about how he loves posedowns. Steiner yells at him to get out and tells him he looks terrible. Then he yells at him to shut up like 4 more times before hitting his head on a cage of some sort. I don’t understand why they keep putting Eric Young in things sporadically that make no sense. I guess the point of this was to tell us that no one cares about Eric Young. That’s what I got out of it.
Earlier this week, Jeff Jarrett and Karen are shopping for dresses. So of course, we get to see it. They go over some dresses in what I’m assuming is supposed to be a comedic bit, which is naturally the best way to get a super-serious adultery / broken family / worked shoot angle over with fans.
Someone asks Kurt what he thinks about Karen and Jeff preparing for their wedding vows. He says he won’t be able to give Karen away quick enough, and that he has a surprise for the wedding. Another surprise! He also says to RVD and Anderson that he is not in a good mood tonight.
Wow, they have a match going on now! I don’t even care what it is, as long as it isn’t Eric Young and it makes some kind of sense.
Eric Young & Orlando Jordan .vs. Gunner & Murphy
FUCK!!!
Orlando Jordan is still fucking employed??? Okay, I’ll make this short. Beer Money comes out for commentary. Then Eric Young and Gunner run the ropes continuously for no reason at all. I understand Eric Young is supposed to be retarded now. But there’s no reason for the other guy to be doing it. At all. This isn’t funny, and it’s painful to watch. People are cheering, but those people are retarded as well. That’s the only explanation.
Eventually Gunner & Murphy take control of Eric Young. They double team him for a while and switch in and out. Beer Money talk about Gunner & Murphy. Eventually EY reverses a suplex, but G & M make a tag and Eric Young hits some punches. Then Eric Young takes his shorts off and he is wearing his Team Canada trunks underneath. Then G & M knock Orlando down and give Eric Young an elbow off the top while one of them hold him down. They pin.
Winners: Gunner & Murphy
Apparently Gunner & Murphy are fighting Beer Money for the Tag Titles next week. This would be an impressive accomplishment if they hadn’t already jobbed clean to Ink fucking Inc.
Angelina and Velvet are in the back. Angelina is trying to talk Velvet out of her career match against Sarita. She is talking about all that they have accomplished individually and together, but doesn’t elaborate because there is nothing to elaborate on. She tells Angelina she needs to be alone. Angelina leaves. 10 to 1 that Winter hits her with the lead pipe in the study.
Now D-Von is coming out. He is still going for an Emmy. People are chanting for him, and this Team 3D breakup thing is possibly the only thing better that TNA has done better than WWE did. He apologizes to his sons, and says that any father’s worst dream is not being able to protect his kids and that’s what he went through at Against All Odds. He tells Bully Ray that the kids have been with them their entire careers, and that they looked up to him as a father. He promises his sons that this will not go unanswered. Brother Ray shows up on the screen, and he has beaten up a producer of some sort? He asks D-Von how his kids are and calls him a sorry excuse for a father. He says that to make D-Von always remember what Ray did to his kids, that Ray will put one of his own “people” (he grabs the producer… who is black… nice…) through a table. Tommy Dreamer shows up in the back, and starts beating up Ray. Ray and Dreamer brawl out into the arena. D-Von goes after Ray with a chair, but misses and Ray is able to escape to the back when security comes out. D-Von tries to fight them off and hits Tommy by accident.
So D-Von is supposed to defend all the black staff members now. Shouldn’t security do that? Of course not, because security is too busy dealing with D-Von, even though Ray is the one kicking the shit out of black staff members, commiting hate crimes, and smacking kids around. Eh, I complain about the logic, but it wasn’t all that bad a segment.
Madison Rayne and Tara are in the back. Madison says that no matter what, Tara should stay in the back tonight because she is sick of people assuming that she needs Tara to retain her title.
AJ Styles says he is not standing in anyone’s shadow any more. He says he built this company and tonight he is gonna take care of business.
Magnus .vs. Crimson
WHAT’S WITH THE FUCKING MATCHES TONIGHT?!?! Magnus is still here?!?! Magnus grabs the mic and says they are alike in a lot of ways and cuts a generic heel promo. He says he’s not the one carrying Kurt Angle’s bags. Apparently this is enough to piss Crimson off and he beats him with punches and a snap suplex. Then he knees him in the face and hits a neckbreaker. Magnus rolls out of the ring and takes Crimson’s neck across the ropes. Big boot by Magnus. Magnus goes for his finish, but Crimson hits his. I have no idea what to call it, but it wasn’t bad. Tenay had a name for it. I missed it. This match was about 3 minutes long.
Winner: Crimson
RVD is in the back, and he says he doesn’t care what tonight’s match is about anymore. He says he knows it’ll entertain Bischoff, but that it’ll also get him closer to the belt, and get him some revenge against Ken Anderson.
POSEDOWN WACKINESS
Scott Steiner .vs. Rob Terry
Terry comes out lifting weights. Taz says that this illustrates that Rob Terry “picks a lot of things up and puts a lot of things down.” Taz has given up. I think Rob Terry is an okay, but honestly, I think he could use some more time in the gym. I also think he could benefit from some steroids. Just a thought. Where the fuck are his shoes?!?! More scary is, he has a mic, and he is saying that is the future, he is the Freak, and the best built man in the business, and the genetic freak of TNA. Scott Steiner comes out in a suit. Rob Terry is already flexing in the ring.
YES, Steiner has a mic. He says the best thing that Terry could have hoped for was for Stiener to come to the ring in a good mood, but Terry calling himself a genetic freak pisses him off. He then tires himself out yelling at Terry and says that he’s been the genetic freak since Terry was sucking at his Mom’s tit. He says that Terry should call himself Chernobyl, because he looks like he’s a vitamin away from a chemical disaster. Okay, that’s pretty funny. Steiner says that he’s not going to come out in workout trunks like a Chip’N’Dale (HA!) so he’s just going to go back, get his wrestling gear on, and if Terry is still here when he gets back, he’s gonna kick his ass.
Rob Terry says Americans are cowards. You know, because he’s a foreign heel. Steiner takes the bait and takes his jacket off. Terry hits him with a weight from behind, then lays in some punches. Then he takes his workout cord and chokes Steiner out with it. Then he punches them some more. The security comes out to stop him but they can’t keep him from hitting Steiner a couple more times because they’re not giving Terry the D-Von treatment.
Winner: All Wrestling Fans
Velvet runs into Winter. Winter wants bygones to be bygones and that Velvet has more important things to worry about. Winter says that people are doubting her abilities, but not Winter. Winter wants to see Velvet go out and prove herself like the time Winter & Angelina won the tag titles. Velvet says that when she’s done with Sarita, she’s coming for Winter… BITCH.
Ric Flair is backstage and walking in a suit, because TNA has issues with delivering what it advertises. At least he didn’t show up on RAW. Yet.
Jeff Jarrett and Karen are in a church for Jeff / Karen Segment TWO. The priest wants to know about them. Karen calls Jeff “Big Daddy” and says that she wants Kurt Angle and the world to see their wedding. Karen doesn’t know if the Priest saw Against All Odds. The priest has no idea what they are talking about or who Kurt is. So they explain it to him, and he is mortified. He brings up the kids and says what we’re all thinking. He then says this is blasphemy. Jarrett says it’s non-denominational.
Ric Flair comes to the ring. Flair says it’s hard to be humble when you are the Nature Boy. He calls himself God again. Then he tells a girl in the crowd that she gets to ride Space Mountain tonight. Flair is so old he probably ejaculates cobwebs, but it’s a nice thought. People chant for Flair but he tells them to save it. Flair says AJ has been avoiding him all day, and that there are two Gods… one up in the sky, and one in the ring. He wants AJ to walk “through” the ring and apologize to him.
AJ comes to the ring. Flair tries to get the ring girl to help him in the ring but AJ waves her away. He grabs a mic. They talk over each other for a minute, and AJ says that he was avoiding him because he wanted to kick Flair’s ass. He says he’s not going to do that, because he’s not gonna let Flair get to him. Flair says that Fortune should have never moved without talking to Flair. They talk about James Storm, apparently he wouldn’t let Flair buy him drinks??? I got nothing. AJ says that if he had told Flair what they were thinking, he would have tried to talk them out of it. Flair says he would have talked them out of it because he wanted to teach them how to be a man and a champion. Then he slaps AJ.
Then AJ knocks him down and starts punching him. Hernandez hits the ring and Taz sounds shocked for some reason. Hernandez tosses AJ around the ring, then charges him but AJ tosses him out of the ring. AJ goes right back after Flair, kicking his ass until Hernandez can hit him from behind again. AJ ducks a charge and gives Flair a low blow and Hernandez a pele kick. AJ chases Flair out of the ring, knocking him into the guardrail. Flair is busted open and tries to get away, his pants are split for some reason. Hernandez hits AJ from behind AGAIN, and tosses him into the ring apron. Flair yells at Hernandez to keep on him.
Hernandez tosses Styles back into the ring, but AJ dropkicks him right back out. AJ hits Flair but this time goes right after Hernandez, diving over the rope. Then he jumps Flair one more time and tries to strip him naked. Flair does his signature bump and begs off Styles. Styles goes for the Styles Clash and yells that this is for Fortune, until Hernandez hits him from behind AGAIN?!?! Speaking of Fortune, WHERE ARE THEY exactly? Oh, here they are. They chase Flair and Hernandez off. Hernandez goes up the crowd, and he runs into Hernandez. Morgan beats Hernandez good.
Decent segment. Don’t know why Fortune wouldn’t have helped AJ sooner, or why Immortal wouldn’t have helped Flair and Hernandez, but AJ looked good.
Mr. Anderson cuts a promo. He wants to win. Et cetera.
They reacp the Hogan / Bischoff / Dixie / Hardy / Jarrett saga. Hulk Hogan and Dixie Carter will both be on Impact next week. Which is exactly what they said about 3 weeks ago. But this time, it will be different. It will be a new beginning. Of a new end. Of the beginning. Everything will change. Again.
Madison Rayne is coming to the ring. Apparently she is challenging a mystery opponent. Angelina says she has beaten everyone in the Knockout division. She talks for a couple minutes. Then ODB comes out. Is this the surprise? Please tell me it is. ODB drinks and yells “EAT MY COOCH YOU WHORE” (I’m not making that up) and no one censors it. I really wish they would have though. ODB rushes the ring.
ODB .vs. Madison Rayne
ODB kicks Madison Rayne’s ass. The announcers don’t care what is going on even though ODB is back. All they care about is Hulk Hogan coming next week. Madison dodges a bronco buster and puts that between-legged head-stomp thing on her. ODB drops her with some terrible move and tries to do the head-stomp thing AGAIN because she’s run out of moves, but ODB doesn’t like this idea so she kicks her in the head. ODB punches Madison a few times, hard. ODB gives Madison a fallaway slam and a bronco buster. She puts Madison on her shoulders but Madison knees her. Then Madison hits her finish for the pin. ODB lost in her re-debut. I would say that’s confusing, but I don’t care.
Winner: Madison Rayne
Velvet is telling the camera but she wants this “documented”. The greatest Knockout ever Rosita tries to say something but Velvet cuts her off and says that she accepts Sarita’s challenge to a career match. Sarita says she’s impressed and that the match will be 1-on-1. They shake hands. Velvet gets 3 feet away, then Sarita and Rosita bust out laughing despite Velvet not even being out of the frame yet. They couldn’t even get THAT right. Sarita says that she is going to screw Velvet so hard that Velvet will not be able to walk properly. Do they just not censor the chicks anymore? If not… WHY NOT?!?!?! Also, I sure hope that no one tells Velvet about that segment before next week or Sarita’s plan will be for nothing.
Matt Morgan cuts a promo on Hernandez. I don’t recap Matt Morgan promos.
Now Jarrett / Karen segment number THREE, and Jarrett is inquiring about fitting Kurt Angle for a tux. Karen is trying to talk over both of them. Jarrett says that Karen’s “Princess” mode is annoying him. Karen says she is in “Queen” mode now. Karen is talking about Kurt having to walk her down the aisle. Jarrett says that Kurt is going to think that Jarrett has taken his bride and his pride. Jarrett shows us his tux.
They recap J-Wow from Jersey Shore going after Cookie 3 months ago. My mind had completely blocked that out. This is most unwelcome. The music they are playing during this promo is very fast and catchy. Actually very catchy. I totally feel like getting up and dancing right now. Anyway, we get to relive this magic again. J-Wow then tells us that she has TNA fever and that she could definitely see herself doing this again in the future. Now we are talking to Robbie E and Cookie. Apparently someone called Angelina from Jersey Shore is going to be showing up next week to show up to call out J-Woww. Are you fucking serious??? WHY?!?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DO TNA HATE WRESTLING FANS?!?!?!?!??!! AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s one thing to try dumb things and hope beyond reason that it works. That’s bad enough. It’s completely another to try a dumb thing beyond reason, have it not get you anything, and then do it again FOUR MONTHS LATER. And the last Jersey Shore segment did nothing for anyone. It would be one thing if the segment had done any one thing for any one person that TNA had plans for and that segment had advanced something that someone would tune back in to see. But it didn’t and no one in that segment went on to do anything even remotely important. So it did nothing for them. And they paid that girl 15K to be there. Now they’re bringing two girls in at once.
It’s just fucking surreal.
Kurt Angle .vs. Mr. Anderson .vs. Rob Van Dam
RVD and Angle go after Anderson together. They beat him up for a bit, and RVD does the corner shoulderblocks. Then Angle charges him, but Anderson moves out of the way. Van Dam is still on him, and people are chanting for Anderson? Now more people are chanting for RVD. Spin kick onto Anderson from RVD, then hits both Angle and Anderson with a Rolling Thunder. RVD and Anderson battle back and forth until Anderson hits a neckbreaker for 2. Angle slides in and hits a snap suplex and Anderson rolls outside the ring. Angle and RVD face off. Angle with a shoulderblock, but he hits the ropes and Anderson pulls him out and climbs in the ring to take a kick to the face and a spinning legdrop from RVD.
RVD with an irish whip, but Angle pulls him out and they trade punches. Van Dam hits them with a hilo over the ropes. Nice spot. After a break, Angle sends RVD off the ropes but RVD leapfrogs him and Vam Dam gets caught in the ropes by accident so Angle stands there waiting to take a thrust kick. Would have been a good spot if he hadn’t botched it – no sarcasm, it actually would have been a good spot, but accidents happen. Van Dam tosses Angle to the outside, but Anderson is in from behind and hits a drop suplex and a kneedrop. 2 count on RVD from Anderson.
Anderson with an armlock, and then RVD reverses and hits another second-rope thrust kick. Angle hits the ring and starts handing out clotheslines. Van Dam hits a high boot but gets belly-to-belly’d. Angle then hits Anderson with 3 german suplexes in tandem, and hits a RELEASE overhead german suplex on Vam Dam. VERY nice spot. Angle then hits Anderson and eats a high kick from Anderson. RVD hits the top rope but Angle jumps to the second rope and belly-to-belly’s him from the second rope. RVD goes out of the ring. Angle goes for an Ankle Lock.
Wedding music hits. Jarrett and Karen walk out in their wedding gear drinking champagne. Angle is distracted. Jarrett and Karen make out. Anderson hits a mic check. Pin.
Winner: Ken Anderson
Wow.
FOUR segments with Jarrett and Karen. I was close. And they didn’t do AJ .vs. Flair.
Now Tenay and Taz are talking about “the most impactful Impact” next week. They run down the whole thing. Someone named Bart Scott is coming to Impact next week. Whoever that is. Taz says he’s a linebacker. Or something. I don’t know. I don’t understand anything anymore.
Now it is raining and there is thunder. Someone is walking up stairs. There are voices in the background. I’m pretty sure I saw a bat, but I’m not positive. So it’s Sting basically. Now something EXACTLY like The Undertaker’s “2.24.11” thing comes on the screen, except that it’s blue and it says “3.3.11”. I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s exactly like it. It’s exactly like it. The color is the only thing different.
Are they fucking serious?
ARE THEY F… recap over.
Tune into next week’s TNA Wrestling Impact to see linebackers and people who are reality TV stars (translation: not actors) trying to act.
Holy shit.
