For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 4/4/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 4/4/11

Welcome to longest running, action-adventure, passive aggressive Post-Wrestlemania column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I am your double-duty host Andrew Wheeler (http://twitter.com/awheeler316), and let’s get down to business.

The RAW Judicial Review for 4/4/11

“Wrestlemania.”

We kick off the post-Mania RAW with the always welcome (if your deaf) Nickelback theme, followed by pyro, ballyhoo and some exhausted Georgians. The crowd cheers are interrupted by JIM ROSS, which brings a smile to my face.

Sure enough, there’s Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler on my screen. And all was right with the world.

Here comes Triple H, who may be hurt but at least not too hurt to chew him some gum. Hunter stole the show last night…by default. While I may think that eight combined finishers would kill the business, I was relieved to find out that it’s no longer wrestling so I was totally cool with everything.

Triple H says this is the most tired and beat up he’s ever been…and this is coming from a man who used to have familiar relations with Chyna. Hunter talks about when he heard the gong that he was nervous before finally admitting that he faced Taker at Wrestlemania before. I love how nonchalantly he mentions this despite the fact that there was an edict that the match could never be mentioned.

Hunter says he beat Taker worse than he’s ever beat on anyone. I’m sure GLAAD is thrilled to be partners with them. HHH says he left everything in the ring last night, but he wasn’t good enough.

Triple H talks about how Undertaker has supernatural powers to kick out of finishers. Either that or he’s an indie worker. However, when Taker got carried out of the ring, he was a man. A real man’s man.

Hunter says that people think this is the last time Undertaker will ever wrestle, but he’s not buying it. However, should this really be his final time, Hunter wants to say thank you. He then says he believes Undertaker will come back for “the magic”, which I guess is code for pain pills.

JR says that Cole is going to challenge Lawler to a rematch. Really? Was this the rematch we were clamoring for? Wait, Jim Ross just looked us right in the camera and, like a man, threw us to…

Commercial.

Tonight Steve Austin will introduce us to the Tough Enough crew.

Cole comes out in that stupid singlet again. Seriously, the tattoos are disturbing. Cole talks about being victorious and how he overcame every obstacle, including the inability to keep the fans from chanting “boring”.

Cole calls himself the new Mr. Wrestlemania before Grandpa Lawler tells him to shut his pie hole. Jerry said he made Cole cry like a little girl, or someone who had to sit through their whole match.

Michael Cole points out that Steve Austin manhandled him and he plans to prove that he’s the better man. He challenges Lawler to a rematch and Jerry says that they should do it right now.

The Worst Wrestlemania Rematch: Jerry Lawler v. Michael Cole

Oh wait, Cole demands a rematch for Jerry’s match last week against Kurt SwAngle. Damnit, and I already went to the trouble of typing out the heading.

The Rematch From Last Week’s Match: Jerry “The King” Lawler v. Kurt SwAngle

SwAngle and Cole do stereo pushups, which would have probably blown up Bobby Lashley. SwAngle hammers Lawler to start but Jerry comes back with those Memphis Punches (which are like regular punches but just a little slower).

SwAngle rams Lawler into the corner but misses a blind charge. SwAngle then slams Jerry but misses a legdrop. Lawler is left prone for a Vader Bomb, but moves out of the way just in time. He fires back with punches and then hits that slow motion dropkick.

Jerry decides to chase Cole but gets caught in an Angle Lock for the win. However, because he goes all Jim Ross on the ankle, they reverse the decision. Cole goes into the Cole Mine where he finds some BBQ sauce. He squirts the sauce at Jim Ross. That sauce goes well with everything, including Men’s Wearhouse clothing.

Later tonight Rey Mysterio and Randy Orton take on CM Punk and Cody Rhodes.

Commercial.

Did You Know that Wrestlemania 27 was the highest attended entertainment event at the Georgia Dome even though it wasn’t?

Sweet Jesus no, Cole’s back.

It’s now Booker T, Josh Matthews and Michael Cole. That’s like going from Ruth’s Chris to a pile of rotting garbage.

Randy Orton & Rey Mysterio v. CM Punk & Cody Rhodes

Rey Mysterio is dressed like the world’s smallest and most confused Klansman. Rhodes is out decked in his weird hoodie/mask thing, which is admittedly cool. Punk comes out without the PuNexus shirt and arm band, but his graphic still says Nexus.

Cody and Randy start it off and five bucks says they’ll forget to mention that these two were in Legacy. Orton takes Rhodes down with a Thez Press and some punches to…the mask. Randy tags in Mysterio, who immediately becomes the giant white moth in peril as we head to…

Commercial.

Orton and Cody are in the ring before he tags in Rey with a springboard leg drop for two. Punk gets tagged in, and I stand corrected because he is in fact wearing a Nexus armband. Punk and Cody double-team White Lightning but Rey rolls up Cody for two and makes the quick tag to Orton.

Randy and Cody trade punches and stomps, which is something Orton is always going to win. Punk distracts Randy, allowing Rhodes to take control. Cody tags in Punk, who goes to work on that intermittently hurt knee. Randy goes for the RKO but it gets blocked with a knee chop and Punk stomps his knee into a…

Commercial.

Orton is trapped in a leg lock by Punk but he battles out with some punches. Orton hits a belly-to-back suplex, which he has the strength to do despite the fact he can’t trot across a ring to punt anyone.

Randy tags in Rey, who hits a seated senton and a moonsault for two. Rey goes for the knockout kick and he just gets picked up and carried into the corner like an elderly woman carrying trash to the curb.

Orton takes out Rhodes and Rey goes for the 619 but Cody comes out of nowhere with a knee to the face and Punk gets a two count. Cody is in now and he stomps away on Mysterio.

Cody and Punk double-team Rey and that gets two. CM Punk latches on an arm bar and goes for a powerbomb but gets hurricaranad into the corner. Randy and Cody now get tagged in and Orton hits the Vintage Scoop Slam.

Orton hits the Angle Slam on Rhodes for two but Punk breaks it up. Rey dumps Punk to the outside and Cody gets set up for the 619 into the RKO to kill him dead.

Austin is walking in the back and he shakes Hunter’s hand before heading to…

Commercial.

Sin Cara is still in the mythical temple of Mexican wrestling.

Glass breaks and here comes Steve Austin. Cole promises to get his revenge next year at Wrestlemania. Um…no.

Steve Austin STARTS by saying “Hell yeah”, which pretty much shows that he’s just going through the motions. The Tough Enough stars come out and while some have charisma, some are just vacuums that suck out the personality. I miss AJ Lee.

Austin is going to bring out the trainers while also bringing back the “what” chant. Tremendous. Everyone introduces themselves. The first guy is literally stealing Heath Slater’s rockstar gimmick. The first woman sounds like a fool. You know what, it isn’t even worth saying anything about these people. What the hell happened to Erick Watts?

The fans are chanting for Steve Austin to stun them all. Awesome, out comes The Miz and Mizfit (who is wearing a tux). The Miz says that when he was on Tough Enough all he heard were people telling him to go to The Real World. Miz runs through his catchphrases before calling himself the face of the WWE. He calls Watts Buckwheat, which is classic southern wrestl…entertainment racism.

The Miz asks if Austin wants to hold his belt before asking if Steve has one more run. Miz asks if Austin is…Tough Enough. Stop. The. Pain.

The crowd chants for “one more match” and Miz asks him if he’s game. Austin tells the reality stars to clear the ring. Mizfit jumps Austin from behind, and it’s suddenly rednecks versus prom kings.

Austin busts out the Thez Press and the Middle Finger Elbow before stunning Mizfit out of the ring. He then gets four beers but decides to toss them to all of the Tough Enough kids. This draws boos. They all toast their beers and the audience just isn’t buying it.

Steve Austin dumps beer on Michael Cole, which Booker T calls a baptism. What is with all the religious stuff this week? Holy crap.

Commercial.

Did you know a lot of people came from all over the world to be disappointed?

Alberto Del Rio w/ Brodus Clay v. Evan Bourne

Del Rio has no car tonight, so file that gimmick under the same file as MVP’s inflatable ramp.

Bourne starts off with Token Offense but eats a giant boot to the face. Alberto beats on him like a complete jobber for a while, which gets a “Del Rio” chant. Booker tells him to get on his bicycle WHILE he’s already in control. How the hell does he get a live microphone?

Evan Bourne goes for the AirBourne but gets kicked in the head off the top rope and taps to the Cross-Arm-Breaker.

Oh good, another DX DVD. CM Punk DVDs: 0. DX: 30.

Commercial.

In case you didn’t know, they’re in Atlanta. Still.

There was something that didn’t look right about Stryker yelling “Sold” with JTG standing next to him.

Excuse me, but here comes Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler. She says that Snooki beat LayCool, but Dolph is full-out perfection. Ziggler says that Slo-Mo-Rrison got his big win at the hands of Snooki and he wants a rematch, after this…

Commercial.

Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero v. John Slo-Mo-Rrison & Trish Stratus

Morrison is now rocking a leather jacket, which is a vast improvement from the Muppet he used to wear.

John and Dolph start and after one sequence get more action than they did all last night. Dolph tags in Vickie, which brings in Trish. Vickie tries to do the headstand but gets rolled up for two. Trish does the MaTrish and that gets a roll-up for two. Stratus chops Vickie a few times but gets distracted and has her face bounced off the mat.

Vickie gets a two count before trying for a double-let drop, but Trish moves out of the way and makes the tag. John bounces off of Dolph several times and goes for the Pele Kick but Dolph Moves and hits an inverted backbreaker for two.

Trish slaps Ziggler in the face, which allows Morrison to hit the Flying Pele Kick. Morrison hits Starship Pain for the pin as Vickie screeches from the outside.

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes the US Title match we’ve waited months for.

United States Champion: Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan

Sheamus is decked out in red, white and blue…just like Cena. How did they not catch that. Daniel Bryan is out next and he’s dropped his t-shirt for a hooded jacket. Makes him look a million times more credible.

Sheamus backs Bryan into the corner and peppers him with some elbows and then connects with the double-axe handle for two. Sheamus connects with a short-arm clothesline before yelling for no reason in particular.

Sheamus continues to club Bryan on the apron and hits a running knee to exert his dominance. A weak Daniel Bryan chant starts as Sheamus locks in a Rest Hold. Bryan rolls out but gets caught with a crazy backbreaker for two.

Bryan fights back with some kicks and a clothesline. He boots Sheamus in the face and hits a running kick for two. Bryan goes for the Patti LaBelle Lock but Sheamus blocks it and turns it into another backbreaker. He hits a weak looking Bicycle Kick for the pin.

Sheamus stomps the hell out of Bryan after the match is over, but this brings out Sin Cara…who looks like a gay firefly. Cara takes Sheamus to the outside and hits a leap onto the outside.

Commercial.

And here comes John Cena, complete with his new Confederate Flag logo. Cena says that if The Rock didn’t do what he did, Wrestlemania would have ended with a draw, which would have sucked donkeys. John won’t complain but rather congratulate The Miz, before saying he’s annoying.

Cena is pissed that The Rock got involved in his business. That business? Entertainment.

Finally, we smell what’s cooking, and it’s leftovers from Wrestlemania. The Rock gets in the ring as a Fruity Pebbles chant starts. Rock asks what the hell Cena thought was going to happen at Mania before making an allegory between poking a shark and messing with The Rock. Cena is apparently wrong about respect because The Rock respects him because he lives and breathes the WWE. However, The Rock doesn’t like him.

The Rock says that both of them want to do it the best, so they are very similar. Rock takes another shot at Cena’s clothing, so John responds by calling him the Tooth Fairy. Cena says that the fans want a match between the two of them.

Cena starts to take off his shirt but The Rock says he has no idea what he asked for. I’m pretty sure it was for a match, but I could be wrong. The Rock says that this isn’t just any match as it will be at Wrestlemania 28.

After they shake hands, Team Hilary Swank show up and jump The Rock and John Cena. Didn’t they just job to Santino Marella? Cena and The Rock turn them into complete jokes, ending it with a Rock Bottom and People’s Elbow onto Wade Barrett. Cena one-ups him by FUing Heath Slater, which means HE gets played out. No, wait, now Rock Rock Bottoms Wade Barrett. It’s now dueling finishers.

Cena and The Rock end with a handshake as John heads up the ramp.

This has been for your consideration.

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