For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 4/11/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 4/11/11

Welcome to longest running, action-adventure, passive aggressive extremely fond of rules column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I am your host Andrew Wheeler (http://twitter.com/awheeler316), and let’s get down to business.

“The Champ is Here.”

We open with the crowd and spotlights as Michael Cole is introduced as the only undefeated WWE Superstar. Well, assuming you don’t count Sin Cara. Cole dances his way down to the ring, clearly stealing Teddy Long’s thuggin’ and buggin’, much to the disdain of Jerry Lawler.

Speaking of disdain, here comes Stars & Bars John Cena. Most of the fans boo him, but that could be because they saw the Confederate Flag and thought the Freebirds were heading out to the ring. Sadly, there is no mullet and chest hair, only the clean-shaven Cena.

John gets booed as soon as the music hits, which he calls chaos and excitement. The entire arena is a Slim Jim to John Cena’s vegetable. Cena talks about the announcement last week regarding Cena and The Rock. He says that it’s generation against generation, which makes me feel ridiculously old.

The fans chant for The Rock, which is like me chanting for winning lottery numbers…it ain’t happening. Cena proclaims that next year at Wrestlemania, it’ll be for the WWE Championship. This of course means that Miz having the title is a mere formality, something John is nice enough to point out. He points to the back and challenges The Miz, and this brings out…

That red man who hears voices. No, not Tatanka. It’s Randal K. Orton, and he is as pissed as he is tanned. Randy walks out in his giant t-shirt, making him look like a perturbed girlfriend being woken up in the middle of the night. Randy says that with all due respect, any business that he had at Wrestlemania has been settled. To be fair, Cena did say last week that he never wants to face The Miz again.

Randy demands that Cena step aside and let someone who won at Wrestlemania get a shot…Snooki. Oh wait, he meant himself.

This gets interrupted by John Slo-Mo-Rrison, who I guess is free from his lower midcard wheel-spinning and is getting a seat at the big kids table. John talks about how this feels like a rerun. I guess he feels that a subpar new show is better than a rerun. John feels he’s in the discussion for the title since he…uh…lost clean to The Miz?

Excuse me, but here comes Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler. Oh yeah, he’s on RAW. Guerrero reminds us that even she holds a victory over John, which is why Dolph deserves a shot. Dolph and his spiffy new shirt says that he didn’t waste his time to mess with Snooki, and that he’s the most talented Superstar in the ring. Also, he never faced The Miz, so much like the deli, the line forms behind him.

Sweet merciful crap, here comes Resurrection Truth. Is there absolutely no security at the curtain? Who the hell is playing the music cues? Truth lets us know that they’re in Bridgeport, which I guess means they’re in Phoenix. Yes, the joke is tired, but not as tired as R-Truth. Truth says that he’s never gotten a one-on-one WWE Title Shot. Yeah, there’s a reason for that. Primo’s never gotten one either.

The GMail goes off before Yoshi Tatsu can come out, and I paraphrase…Cole gives all of them a shot at being the #1 Contender in a 5-Man Gauntlet Match. Two men at random will start the match, and the winner will face the next random Superstar until all five men are in the match. The person who goes the distance will face The Miz at Extreme Rules. I’m sorry, but isn’t that the rules for EVERY Gauntlet Match? What makes this so innovative?

Later tonight, Jerry Lawler will face Kurt SwAngle…again.

Commercial.

We’re back with an amazing Awesome Kong video in which she flicks the head off of a doll. That is fantastic.

Tramp Stamp Title: Cheesy Bella v. Eve

Apparently this feud stems from Twitter, because the Divas don’t even get a WWE.com feud. Eve comes down to the ring with a black marker, and she demands that Brie mark her arm. That was actually a smart move, which checks off one of the three requirements to be a Diva: Smart, Sexy and Not from Concentrate.

Brie jumps Eve and apparently the brutality is too much for the fans because a lot of them seem to be leaving. Eve comes back with a bulldog and a dropkick before kicking her in the face and connecting with the standing moonsault for two.

Eve charges the corner but no one’s home. Eve decides to just not sell this and tie Brie up in the tree of woe. They do the ole’ switcheroo, but she gets dropkicked. The ref realizes it’s the wrong Bella…which should be a disqualification. Brie comes in and drops Eve to win the Tramp Stamp Title.

Commercial.

Did you know a lot of people watched the WWE? Well, now you do. Use that information wisely.

Eve is in the back and she looks sweaty and upset. Gail Kim shows up to comfort Eve. Natalya (she’s still there?) shows up but Eve says that all the Divas care about are themselves. Snukette walks in and leaves and I’m confused.

Sin Cara v. Primo Colon

There are two kids in the crowd with Sin Cara masks as he does his trampoline leap (again almost botching it). His opponent is…oh come on…Primo. I thought they cancelled Superstars. Isn’t it time to trim el fat?

Primo leaps at him for a while before they lock up. We get some chain wrestling, because nothing gets over a new guy like a hammer lock. The fans chant Sin Cara anyway, and he responds with a kick.

Primo hammers away on Blue Beetle, but Sin Cara pulls out some Dusty Rhodes-esque Flippy Moves. Cara leaps over the top rope and hits a hurricarana on the outside of the ring! That was pretty damn impressive.

Primo kicks him out of the ring before whipping him back in and just punching him. A lot. He dropkicks Sin Cara down for two before locking in a resthold, brought to you by K-Mart.

Sin Cara gets chopped in the corner but avoids a big splash (which Primo completely oversells) and Cara fires back with chops of his own. Cara hits another hurricarana, which Matthews calls “pure athleticism”. Primo then kicks him and goes for a powerbomb but is small-packaged for two.

Primo catches Sin Cara with boots in the corner but gets kicked in the head. Primo and Cara go to the top rope and they botch it pretty badly. He goes do the top and hits his impressive finisher for the pin (though after screwing that up I doubt they’ll let him do that ever again).

Sin Cara heads to the back, no doubt to be chastised for an hour by Vince. Then again, by the time he goes to the back, Vince will have probably forgotten who he is.

Commercial.

Team Hilary Swank are in the ring and they look upset. At least they actually WEAR their titles. Wade Barrett talks about the Cena/Rock match as being history-making, but they decided to attack them. Sadly, it did about as well as Your Highness at the box office. Wade said that he used to see everyone in his group as equals, but he then starts to berate his team. Gabriel grabs the mic, flubs his line and then says that he’s the most talented guy in the ring. Slater and his mouth-full-of-milk says that he’s a 3-time champion. Ezekiel Jackson says that he’s the most powerful man in the world.

This gets interrupted by Santino, Mark Hey-Hey Henry, Evan Bourne and Daniel Bryan. Santino calls this group The Apple: Allied People Powered By Loathing Everything…they stand for. In the name of Kozlov, they challenge them to a fight. So basically it’s the 21st Century JOB Squad.

Team Hilary Swank v. The Apple

Commercial.

We’re back with Daniel Bryan being worked over by Slater and Gabriel. Jackson is tagged in and he wallops Bryan, who is slammed hard into the lower card…I mean mat. Ezekiel tags in Wade, who continues to beat on him. Slater is tagged in, to hammer home that they are a cohesive unit.

Heath locks in a rest hold, because those tags took a lot out of them. Bryan breaks free and tags in Santino, who does some Wacky Offense. Everyone takes out everyone as Santino goes for The Cobra but Gabriel boots Marella and Slater gets the pin. So much for The Union…I mean Apple.

Here comes Jim Ross, who will be in Jerry Lawler’s corner. Cole mocks him for a little while, so Jim Ross reaches over the Cole Mile and hits him with his hat. SwAngle comes out for the save but he and Lawler go at it.

Commercial.

Jerry Lawler w/ Jim Ross v. Kurt SwAngle w/ Michael Cole

So the stip here is that if SwAngle wins, Cole never wrestles Lawler. If Jerry wins, he CAN wrestle Cole. I’m torn as to who to root for.

Lawler gets hammered for a while but he comes back and does the SwAngle celebration. Cole and Ross yell at each other on the outside, which does nothing but give me a headache. SwAngle locks in a resthold as Cole yells repetitively like Walter Sobchak.

SwAngle gets a SwAngle Lock but Jerry makes it to the ropes. SwAngle gets another rest hold, which allows Ross to point out that he went from working the ankle to working the wrist and that this is why he is a fool. Brilliant.

Jerry gets worked over in the corner as the fans beg for this to just be over. Lawler gets a comeback, drops the strap but gets caught for a slam. Jerry breaks free and dropkicks him into the corner.

Cole distracts Lawler long enough for Jerry to get dropped. Jim Ross takes out Cole, which allows Jerry to roll him up for the pin. The look of shock on SwAngle’s face will be an avatar for decades to come.

After the match, Cole berates SwAngle for paying him really good money (fresh, crisp bills) and then he slaps him. Cole then rolls out of the ring before the roid rage really sets in. Lawler gets on the mic and says that at Extreme Rules they will wrestle in a tag match: Jerry and Jim Ross versus Michael Cole and Kurt SwAngle.

We get a Triple H/Undertaker packages as we fade to…

Commercial.

Edge comes out amidst rumors that he’s retiring. He says that he’s going ramble and not make much sense, which I guess means he’s leaving to go book TNA. Edge says that what he does hurts and that there are consequences. Eight years ago he broke his neck, and that meant he was wrestling on borrowed time. For the past little while he’s been in a lot of pain and losing feeling in his arms. Because of this, he went for tests. Based on the MRIs, he has to retire. He says that he won’t wind up in a wheelchair now before pausing to tear up. A “Thank You Edge” chant breaks out at this point.

Edge says that he talked to Christian, who is his best friend (and sometimes brother). He was angry that he let everyone down and that he wasn’t ending on his own terms, but he’s competed his whole career on his own terms. Edge is still a huge WWE fan and he used to go to the Maple Leaf Gardens to see all of his favorites, including the Hulk Hogan namedrop. Then, after seeing Hogan/Warrior, he decided to be a wrestler. Years later he would main event against Taker and win more titles than anyone in the WWE. He says that having his last match at Wrestlemania and retiring as the World Champion is the best way to go out.

Edge started wrestling at 23 and said he made a lot of mistakes in front of the fans. He went from the guy in a trench-coat to a member of The Brood, to the E&C Days, to being despised, to having “sex” with Lita live on television and in the end earning everyone’s respect.

He says that he is going to miss everything about the business but he is going to go eat a lot of ice cream. Edge says that he would do it all again and then thanks the fans. I will give my thoughts on all of this later in the week, but suffice to say the WWE is losing one of its most valuable wrestlers.

Commercial.

We go to a shot in the back where all of the locker-room is there to see Edge off. Thankfully there’s no Paul London to smile and ruin it.

Josh Matthews, Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross all give him a nice sendoff.

Awesome, here comes The Miz and The Mizfit. The Miz is on commentary to ensure that we can’t enjoy Jim Ross for even one segment.

Gauntlet Match: Randy Orton v. Dolph Ziggler v. John Cena v. John Slo-Mo-Rrison v. Resurrection Truth

Orton and Ziggler start it out with some mat wrestling. Randy hits an uppercut for two. Dolph comes back with a dropkick and a fameASSer for two. Ziggler hammers him down and then tries to grab a rest hold.

Randy breaks free and hits the Vintage Slam for two. Randy sets him up for the Second-Rope DDT, which drops Dolph. Orton starts to hump the mat but PuNexus runs in and distracts Orton and he gets pinned.

PuNexus lay out Orton as Mason Ryan botches taking off his shirt. Ryan powerbombs Orton into a…

Commercial.

We’re back with Ziggler and Truth. Dolph locks in a rest hold for a while but Truth breaks out. Ziggler goes for a Stinger Splash but Truth moves out of the way and fires off some Token Offense. He connects with an inverted suplex for two.

Dolph takes over only to get dropped by Truth with a Downward Spiral for the pin. This brings out John Slo-Mo-Rrison, who is still without that stupid fur coat.

Commercial.

Truth and Morrison lock up as we come back from commercial. Truth goes for a sunset flip and they trade pins for a while. Miz mockingly claps for that as they go back to the pinfalls again. Truth gets flapjacked by the King of Artificial Butter, who drops a leg for two.

Morrison locks in a resthold of his own. Truth hits a jawbreaker but gets clotheslined to the outside. Morrison gets dragged outside and they double-clothesline each other. What is this, Mania?

Both guys make it back in and John fires off some clotheslines and a kick for two. Truth hits hiis inverted suplex into a stunner for two. Morrison leaps off the second rope with a flash kick and goes for Starship Pain but Truth moves and drops him for the pin.

They…they can’t really go for Miz/Truth, can they? Can they?

Here comes John Cena and a…

Commercial.

We’re back and the two of them lock up. Cena hits a gutwrench for a two count. John connects with a dropkick (?!) for two. Cena connects with a fisherman suplex for another two count. John goes for a belly-to-back for yet another two.

Cena scoops up Truth for the ugliest slam of the night, which gets…a two count. John looks all flummoxed at this, so he responds with another suplex. If only he had some sort of move that would finish him…a finishing move, if you will.

John goes to the top rope and barely connects with the Rocker Dropper for two. Truth fires back with one right hand, knocking Cena out apparently. Truth comes out with more Minstrel Offense, capping it off with the twirling shoulder-block for two.

John comes back with Five Moves of Mediocrity, before letting The Miz know he cannot see him. Cena hits the FU but The Miz and Mizfit run in and attack both of them. This is a double-disqualification, which according to The Miz means there is no #1 Contender.

The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase, there are two number one contenders: John Cena and Resurrection Truth. Cena and Truth attack Miz and Mizfit, ending with Mizfit taking an FU.

John and Truth shake hands and hug before getting into a slap fight.

This has been for your consideration.