That Being Said: TNA Impact Report for 05.12.2011 – Hogan, Sting, Angle, Jarrett, Chyna

Before we get into the show this week, I have to say that I have been spoiled as to the BIG SURPRISE. Part of the BIG SURPRISE is that it’s… actually a BIG SURPRISE for once. Which is rare for a TNA BIG SURPRISE. Anyway, I tried not to be spoiled. I wasn’t going on websites. I wasn’t going on Twitter. But stupid Hargrove put it as a comment on M.C. Brown’s “10 Thoughts On TNA” article. I won’t spoil it here, for anyone who doesn’t know, although I doubt that there’s that many people who bother to stay spoiler-free. I mostly just do it because I write this recap though. Otherwise I wouldn’t care too much. Hargrove sucks.

I think we covered WaterDrip .vs. Gary The “Lawyer” in the comments last week, and there’s not really a lot more we can do there until / unless more details come out. So we’re gonna move on to…

The People .vs. Swayze In The Matter Of Bill Goldberg

* Earlier This Week *
Hey Swayze. That Goldberg thing took all the heat off me! Thanks dude.
Swayze: Oh awesome. Everyone hates me now?
Well, just several people who seem to take issue with your Goldberg comment.
Goldberg? What the fuck did I say?
You don’t remember? You said “Goldberg wouldn’t fucking spit on TNA, much less go work for them.”
Holy shit, did TNA get Goldberg?!?
No.
Oh… THEN TELL THOSE FUCKS TO SUCK MY COCK!!!
Is… is that really what you want me to put in there?
Well, you can add “FIST PUMP!” to it or something. But other than that, yes. Everyone turned on me. Over Goldberg. Of all people. So when Goldberg shows up to TNA, they can say whatever. But he’s never showing up. Ever.
So, you… you don’t even want to try to clean that up a bit?
My official statement is “Goldberg is never coming to TNA. He never was. He never will. Go eat a bag of dicks. Swayze loves you all. Except Fuj. That guy is a real douche. He enrages me. Fist pump!”
* End Scene *

Interinactivity

CB: Next week’s Interinactivity is going to be EPIC.
Blair: WRONG!!!

CB: Blair, I FIGURED IT OUT. WINTER is the SMOKE MONSTER from LOST. Drugged up Angelina is JOHN LOCKE, being hypnotized and manipulated into thinking this is her destiny. Velvet is Jack Shepherd, the only person TRYING TO DO ANYTHING LOGICAL, questioning Angelina’s decisions and paying the price for being on the side of actual practicality in this strange and twisting saga. And, wait for it… TNA is our ‘ISLAND’. That’s right, this isn’t about wrestling, it’s about HUMANITY. And who will SAVE US? The Best Fu#%ing TNA Team Ever!, that’s who! Now here’s the thing though, WE HAVE TO GET TO THEM BEFORE THE FUJ DOES. Otherwise, THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT WILL BECOME ENDLESS, MINDLESS, THOUGHTLESS, HEARTLESS WINTER. (End scene)
Blair: So you started doing drugs while watching TNA? Good for you man.

Pavillion Dv9000 Battery: So its now 2am, catering at 9, that sucks, i guess its time for bed. happy cinco de mayo all
Blair: You should try to get the catering girl from TNA. According to Karen Angle, she’s a huge whore. Which is funny because Karen Angle herself is a huge whore who once did a lap dance for Kurt Angle, then Kurt Angle married her and had some kids with her. Then she wanted a job with TNA so Kurt got her in, then she started fucking everything that wasn’t nailed down so they split up. Now she fucks Jeff Jarrett, who is part-owner of TNA and one of the biggest running jokes in the history of pro-wrestling and couldn’t get a job with a wrestling company so had to start his own. Then everyone found out about it so they made everyone involved, including the kids, do a storyline about it. And that storyline is now seen by some as the BEST STORYLINE IN WRESTLING. I know this has nothing to do with anything in your question. I just wanted to rant about how dumb everyone involved is.

Daniel Gianni: Given Blair’s policy on spoilers, whats the likelihood someone is gonna reveal next week’s spoiler in these comments?
WaterDrip: Daniel, that’s not so much a spoiler as it is a nightmare. I don’t know what Blair’s policy is on nightmares.
Blair: I am actually quite surprised that no one put it in the comments. Not everyone takes spoilers all that seriously, so I appreciate that. Have I mentioned that Hargrove sucks though?

Pozguy: Have an STD and are having trouble finding a date as a consequence? You should visit the STD dating site Positivechats.com. Here you’ll find people who have the same conserns and issues as yourself, and perhaps find a great partner as well.
Blair: … hey, I don’t have…

Julia: If you have been recently diagnosed with STD, you may be upset and confused and think your sexual life is over. However, it’s not the end of the world, and it’s not the end of your social life. You are not alone! Check STDmingle. com. Many cities in the US and around the world have herpes/HIV/HPV social and support groups that you can join to meet others who are in the same situation.
Blair: … thanks, but I don’t need…

The Fuj: A couple of talking points: 1 – Miss Tessmacher……..DAMN! 2 – a fantastiv debut for Sangrieto. I was rather fascianted by this newcomer from Mexico. 3 – Tommy Dreamer FTW. Why, Tommy WHY? 4 – Man, this Jarrett / Angle feud is getting juicer by the week. Best storyline in wrestling.
Blair: Swayze volunteered for Fuj duty this week.

1) You wanna get nuts with Swayze?!? Then come on! Let’s get nuts!!! FUJ, youre gay as evidenced by your comments about Rob Terry and Crimson. The Tessmacher cover doesn’t work. 2) Either you read the recap and know its fucking Amazing Red, and still posted that dumb shit, which makes you a * EXPLETIVE DELETED BY TEAM LAWYER *, or you didn’t read the recap and just post your stupid shit in here, which also makes you a * EXPLETIVE DELETED BY TEAM LAWYER *. Either way… you’re a * EXPLETIVE DELETED BY TEAM LAWYER *. 3) Shut the fuck up about Tommy Dreamer, you * EXPLETIVE DELETED BY TEAM LAWYER *. 4) Go eat a bag of dicks. Oh… and fist pump!

Limodriver: When one of your story lines starts to steal elements of the WWE Heroes Timequake comic book series, you know you’ve gone just a little bit too far.
Blair: The Fuj and Joseph Hargrove will eat your soul for saying that.

Big Lou From The Bronx: Man, I like this Gunner guy. He looks pretty good out there in the ring. I am also becoming a big fan of Crimson. Crimson and Gunner are tow young guys TNA can hang there hats on. They are the future of the business.
Blair: I’ve never understood the rationale behind people blowing their loads prematurely on guys who have been around for a couple of months and have not had any good matches or promos yet. Gunner had one okay outing, but that was against Daniels, who, despite your opinion of his potential, is a guy known for having really good matches. Gunner sticks his tounge and eyes out. That’s his gimmick. Crimson’s gimmick is basically a babyface version of that exact thing. A couple weeks ago I said that Crimson had potential but that it was WAY too early to pass judgement on the guy.

How about this? Can I ask what your opinion is on some of the guys that TNA have had for YEARS like AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Samoa Joe, The Motor City Machine Guns, and Beer Money? Do you not think that those guys are capable of having hats hung on them? (Some stuff, I have a hard time responding to without feeling like people will think I’m just being sarcastic. That’s probably my own fault. But I’m not being sarcastic here. I’m legitimately interested to hear your opinion on those guys.)

B. Brown: I say Fuj should be STD. Actual Fuj > Made-up Fuj.
STD: *Sniff * All I can be is myself. * Sobs *
Blair: Ah man, look what you’ve done to him! He’ll be sulking for hours now. Thanks a lot, B. Brown. You know I got a show to do here right? Do you have any idea how many Rob Terry posters it takes to cheer this thing up? And I could NEVER afford Fuj.

AS: The BEST FUCKING TNA TEAM EVER is the new best thing in wrestling. And we haven’t even heard Crystal or Cam yet. (See, if other marks can just pretend that everything in TNA is awesome, then I can do the same for this.)
Blair: I totally had to post this. AS always has the nicest comments.

Mike Gojira: I love your columns, Blair. They make me feel all tingly inside. On a serious note, this is the only way I get my TNA news as I refuse to watch the shitfest in any way, shape, or form. Hell, I barely reference it in my column.
Blair: That’s why your columns are good, and why mine are crawling with trolls.

Jeremy Spoke In…: Seriously though – I know Hogan, Russo and Bischoff’s ego’s far exceed their brain power but they are dropping the ball big time on Styles and Daniels – hell the real stable should be Styles, Daniles and Joe they are the most over guys in TNA and the fans would get behind them in a heart beat.
Blair: … and The Motor City Machine Guns. And Jay Lethal. And Kaz. Not Eric Young though. Fuck that guy.
Cam: Cam here, yellow cast member of THE BEST F#$%ING TNA TEAM EVER! Blair clearly didn’t really think about how he was going to manage yellow font when he brought me on board. He’s going to try to work on that for next week. That’s cool though, I like the idea that people have to highlight my text to read my words. You should be so lucky. Anyway, Bischoff knows what he’s doing.  He’s making a craft beer, and he’s also making a Scott Baio sitcom.  TNA’s consistently shitty product and Scott Baio’s sitcom will make TNA and Scott Baio fans reach for Bischoff’s beer, thus increasing interest in drinking games for both TNA and Scott Baio’s sitcom.  The drinking games will then increase interest in Bischoff’s beer. Bischoff can’t have Joe, Daniels and Styles making TNA watchable!  That would interfere with the grand plan!  You think you know business better than one-half of the team behind Ninja Star Wars?  Now down two beers any time you see Gunner make an angry face!  Also, Scott Baio is The Network…’cause he’s IN CHARGE.  GET IT!?!?!?!?!?!?

Owangotang: I tried to watch this abortion of a wrestling show. It’ll never happen again. Here’s why: Kurt Angle looks, and sounds, like someone from Bumfights. He’s not the gold medal winner we all knew and loved. The guy is not well. Jeff Jarrett. The IWC should all collectively move forward and replace “X-pac heat” with “Jeff Jarrett heat”. Angelina Love looks like the female Gremlin from Gremlins 2. Brian Kendrick. Sorry pal but you’re half as talented as you think you are and twice as amusing. I’ve never understood his appeal. Great column Blair, this week has just reinforced the notion I held that I’m not missing a single thing by avoiding TNA, your columns are the goods.
I love dudes saying they’ll never watch a show again. I hate TNA and I am fairly confident in my abilities to avoid it. But, I also find it silly to have this big epiphany that they need to stop watching. I also love the bitching about Angle. Welcome to what people should have complained about way more in 2005. Dude was good in ’01-’02, but learning…then when he took off, misabuse of the term “workrate” was all the rage and it stuck. “Jeff Jarrett heat” sounds an awful lot like “Goldberg’s not coming to TNA Heat.” Oh, it doesn’t? Either way, Swayze is right. Is this dude saying he would bang the female Gremlin from Gremlins 2? Really, you know how talented Kendrick is based on what? His TNA performances? His Price is Right moment? I don’t really like Kendrick either, but, I’ve recently seen is ’05 run of ROH matches and I dug that. Terrible column.* Blair, this week has just reinforced the notion I held that people should have given up on TNA way, way earlier. *complete lie
Fuck yeah!!! Fist pump!!!
I pretty much agree with WaterDrip on this one, except for his take on the “Fuck this show. I’m never watching this stupid shit again.” mentality that some people have. WaterDrip is too smart to watch TNA. But people who aren’t experience this emotion a lot. So I do understand where that comes from. And I don’t think Kurt Angle is over-rated – fucked up to be sure, but not over-rated.

And also…

Steven Gepp: Hey, TNA Impact is back on here in Australia! You know what that means? I have to miss out on re-repeats of Two And A Half Men to watch The Jeff Jarrett Loves Hulk Hogan Show! At least Charlie Sheen is winning. Sigh… With WWE screwing us over on Smackdown, TNA just being screwy and everything else… bring on the indies!
Charlie Sheen is not “winning.”  The man made more than $1.5 million an episode for a show that’s about as funny as the comedy segments on WWE, and through his meticulous budgeting, he’s either snorted, drank or fucked his money away.  People booed him at stops of Charlie Sheen’s Magic Tiger Blood Pink Torpedo of Awesomeness or whatever the hell that tour’s name is. Having said that, Sheen at least promotes his shit better than Vince McMahon, Jeff Jarrett and Hulk Hogan.  He’s probably a better money manager, too.

M.C. Brown: Ouch. lol. This is the dark side of the moon.
Blair: Join us, M.C. You know you’re getting sick of trying to polish this excrement.

All right, before we get into the show this week, I want to mention something that impresses me – first of all, for the first time in the longest time I can remember, TNA is not advertising this week’s BIG SURPRISE as something that WILL CHANGE TNA AND THE UNIVERSE FOREVER UNTIL THE END OF TIME. Because doing that and then having it be something like a face turn for Fortune which they pretty much forget about a week later is fucking stupid. So this is pretty refreshing. Also, TNA has actually put a bit of promotion behind this week’s episode, even going so far as to having some of their stars put previews on their Twitter. I don’t think TNA stars are forced to put stuff up like that, so you have to give them credit for getting behind a promotion that lets them down time and time again as well. That’s dedication.

All right, let’s watch some wrestling. Put on your anti-Hogan goggles and apply some Bischoff-blocking cream. AND WE CAN BUILD THIS THING TOGETHER, STANDING STRONG FOREVER, NOTHING’S GONNA STOPS US NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW…

“The Network’s Revenge”

 

Hulk Hogan is backstage with a lead pipe. Bischoff asks what he’s doing. Hogan says he’s going to kill the network rep. Bischoff tells him that’s fucking stupid. Hogan realizes he’s being fucking stupid. Bischoff says they need to play the game. Hogan agrees. He leaves.

Karen / Velvet / Jarrett / Kurt / Winter / Angelina / Mystery Woman video recap.

Hogan / Bischoff / Flair / Sting / RVD / Immortal / Goldberg / Network video recap.

Jeff Jarrett and Karen come to the ring. Jeff says that he and Karen have decided to come out and call a truce. He says that this time, his offer is sincere. He talks about Karen for a while. He says for her to be in a match at Sacrifice is wrong. He’s right there. Crowd is chanting for Angle. He talks for another couple of minutes. GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!! They should recast the character of Jeff Jarrett.

Karen gets the mic. She yells at Kurt for a while. She talks about how awesome she is. She talks about their kids. She says everything is a big misunderstanding, including the restraining order. Then she says…

SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kurt Angle’s music hits. He comes out. He grabs a mic. Kurt says that it’s over, and that after being married to him for 10 years, that she should have learned not to push him. He calls Jarrett “Mr. Douchebag” and says that they’ve been pushing all the right buttons, and that so far he’s tolerated it. What? No he hasn’t.

He says “it’s like I don’t even know you anymore.” Fucking seriously? Now he says that he doesn’t even know why he married her, and says they’re going to have the mixed tag at Sacrifice. He says that Karen is going to do the same thing to Jarrett that she did to Angle. Jarrett appears to consider this.

Now Angle is saying that this girl deserves a proper intro, so we gotta wait ’till later to see her. He says he can’t wait to see Karen’s reaction when she sees her, and that he can’t wait to see Jarrett’s reaction when he sees her, because Jarrett knows who she is.

His music hits. He leaves. Segment built up the surprise nicely, although again, Jarrett and Karen should have had about 1/3 of the time they had to make their point. Commercial.

RVD / Sting Title Match video package. That match has been given a nice, slow build.

Madison Rayne & Tara .vs. Mickie James & Miss Tessmacher

Madison and Tara come out. Tara wants to punch this bitch right in the sex.

That entrance alone is what makes Madison Rayne the best talent in TNA. She does so much for the show jsut by screaming and acting like a bitch. Not just anyone could do that! TNA!!! TNA!!! TNA!!!

Tara and Tessmacher start out. Tara hits an armlock and Tess does some gymnastics. Tara locks it back in and does some of her own. Tess tags Mickie. Mickie comes in and shakes hands with Tara. Again, this bitch tried to KILL MICKIE ON A BIKE A MONTH AGO. Madison is screaming. I guess she doesn’t get it either. So Tara tags Madison in, and Mickie kicks her ass, until Madison and her dropkick each other at the same time. Madison gives her a kneelift and a clothesline. Then she laughs and screams. Mickie gives her a couple big boots, then gives her a victory roll. Pin.

Winners: Mickie James & Miss Tessmacher

Wait, they’re saying Tessmacher got the pin now? They must have tagged at some point when I wasn’t looking. I thought I was paying decent attention. I’m going to go ahead and blame the camera work because obviosuly it couldn’t have been my fault. Anyway, my apologies. I’m not going back though, and it’s not like anyone gives a rat’s ass. Why did I even mention it? No one would have noticed.

Backstage, Flair walks into Hogan’s locker room. Hogan starts yelling at him and says that he knows that Flair is the network rep. Hogan says that he knows that Flair cancelled a doctor’s apointment. Apparently this has led him to the inescapable conclusion that despite bleeding like a stuck pig in a cage match two weeks ago, that Flair is a sabateur. Flair tells him he’s retarded and starts yelling back at him. For the second time this show and in half an hour, Hogan realizes that he’s being retarded and apologizes for being retarded. Then Flair and Hogan forgive each other, and verbally blow each other for a few minutes. Bischoff tells them that maybe they should get focused or something? They continue to verbally blow each other.

A limo pulls up. Commercial.

Tara tells a camera that she can’t wait to be free from Mickie James. She fucking RACES through this promo and doesn’t make any sense at all. I can’t tell what the fuck she’s saying. Anyway, Madison hears this and walks up and yells at her says that after she beats Mickie, that Tara’s life is going to be hell.

Tommy Dreamer walks in the building. Someone is trying to ask him about something. He says he’s on the phone. Someone asks him why he piledrove AJ. Tommy says that he has a personal life and that stuff goes on after the show. The guy tells him that doesn’t answer anything. Tommy just stares at the guy. AJ comes out of his trailer, and tries to get some answers out of him. Tommy says that AJ is too young and innocent to understand what Tommy is going through. AJ says that’s ridiculous. AJ thinks this is about EV2.0, and that Tommy is Bully Ray’s best friend again. Tommy says that’s not it. AJ is still trying to get an answer, until he gives up, and asks Tommy for a match at Sacrifice. Tommy says that AJ doesn’t know what’s going on, and AJ tells him to back off or he’ll get his ass kicked. Tommy walks away, and AJ tells him that the real Tommy Dreamer wouldn’t walk away. Tommy tells him he’s gotta walk a mile in his shoes and knocks down a barricade before walking away. You don’t know why he’s knocking down barricades AJ!!!

People are taking pictures of Sting. Someone asks him about Rob Van Dam, and Sting puts over RVD and says that he hopes that he’s fast enough to deal with him. He says he can’t wait for the NETWORK REP to get there tonight.

Sting is like Ziggy Stardust now.

Commercial.

Beer Money / Matt Hardy / MYSTERY PARTNER video package. Half the wrestlers at Sacrifice are MYSTERY OPPONENTS. Some of the TNA video packages are terrible. They’re like parodies of a good video package.

Beer Money hits the ring in suits. I forgot that they forget how to run matches during these big shows. And no, I’m not counting the Knockout match. Roode calls out Matt Hardy. Matt Hardy comes out and says that Roode actually impressed him last week, and that Roode is a man now. Matt says he’s taking Beer Money very seriously. Then he gets on Storm for being drunk all the time. Now he’s calling them nobodies. He just said he was impressed with them. The crowd is chanting “boring”. Matt Hardy is awful at speaking. He runs them down for a bit. I’m not typing all of it.

James Storm cuts him off, and says he’s wasting everyone’s time. Crowd cheers. James Storm talks about how awesome he is, and he and Hardy argue about who is disrespecting who. This goes on a tad too long, and I like Beer Money and all, but yeah. Beer Money get out of the ring, Storm finishes his beer, and says that he will punch Hardy in the face, take his girlfriend home, and do her while Matt watches after Matt buys him a case of beer. HA, that’s awesome.

Anyway, Hardy sucks up to them, and says that fans have to pay to see them wrestle. Matt says that his partner is not Jeff Hardy, but is someone who knows James Storm very well. He then tries to do Storm’s catchphrase, but Storm knocks the mic out of his hand and does the catchphrase himself.

Then music hits, and Chris Harris walks out.

He. Looks. Terrible.

Like, really terrible. I used to dig Harris, I’m not sure what he’s like now, but I’m not exaggerating here. I get that this could be considered a nice touch, but this dude is out of shape. Anyway, he and Storm stare each other down. And no, I will not be surprised when Storm turns on Roode to reform AMW and join Immortal. And by the way, Harris bailed on TNA to go to WWE, before WWE fired him for being out of shape after like a month. So now we have yet another guy that WWE won’t ever employ again. Whatever. I’m just saying. Commercial.

Not Amazing Red .vs. Suicide

I really don’t fucking get why they would put Amazing Red under a mask when they could just put Red out there. They keep telling us that this guy is huge in Mexico. If people actually care enough to look that up, they’ll pretty much figure out right away that that’s not true, and who this guy really is. So I’m just gonna call him Red. Fuck it.

This show is like emotional torture.

These guys lock up and do some exchanges, Red hits a dropkick and a hurricanrana. Suicide bails out of the ring, and Red does a signature flip out of the ring that looks oddly similar to something that Amazing Red would do. He rolls Suicide into the ring and hits a nice missle dropkick. He hits a clothesline in the corner, but Suicide gives him a big boot and some punches. Mike Tenay is putting serious effort into pronouncing Red’s new name with some Mexican in it.

They battle back and forth with chops. Red does a roll and goes under a kick from Suicide, and hits an enziguri. Nice spin-kick to the corner and a swinging DDT gets him a 2-count. Red up to the top rope, misses a senton splash, and Suicide gives him a wierd-looking suplex that gets him 2. Big boot counter by Red, who then hits a nice flying DDT. Sidekick, followed by that nice springboard RKO.

Winner: Not Amazing Red

Good match, and the crowd was into it, AND they gave it more time than I thought they would. I was pleasantly surprised. It would have been the exact same if they had used Amazing Red as Amazing Red though. That Sangriento thing is really, really stupid. Especially when he does all of Amazing Red’s moves that people have been watching for years, just with a different finisher. Anyway, it was a good match on Impact. I really shouldn’t complain.

Hogan, Biscoff, and Flair come out. Red leaves. Flair kicks Suicide in the balls for some reason. Hogan says the games are over. Hogan starts yelling about iPhones or something, and says he wants the NETWORK REP out there. Commercial.

We’re back. Karen and Jeff Jarrett are down in the ring with them now. Goody. Hogan calls out the NETWORK REP again.

Mick Foley comes out. He has a mic and starts talking right away, and he talks about how things are unravelling for Immortal, starting when Jeff Hardy went down and Sting came back. Foley talks about how he’s been matching Hogan every step of the way, and how Foley won’t let them take control of TNA.

Bischoff gets shoved down by Foley. He dares Hogan to hit him. Foley says that if anyone touches him, they’ll be fired. Foley says this show is no longer about Hogan or any of them, and that this show is about WRESTLING now.

Foley re-iterates that everyone grew up on actual wrestling, so that wrestling is what they need to go back to.

Then he changes the name of the show to Impact Wrestling.

Then he says they have a new main event, a 25-man battle royal to determine who will be the number-one contender for the TNA World Heavyweight Title. I thought Van Dam was the number one contender? Maybe he means after Sacrifice.

Then he brings Chyna out. She appears to have been in a collagen silicone fire since last you saw her having sex with X-Pac.

Thoughts on all this at the end of the show. Commercial.

Foley is backstage with Chyna. He says he’s glad to be back and making an Impact on a show where wrestling matters. Foley continues to talk for a while, and says he wants Chyna to be anywhere Jeff Jarrett is. Then he talks about the sexual tension between him and Chyna.

Ken Anderson is on camera now. He wasn’t on the show last week. That was nice. Ken Anderson says that wrestling is real, but that Foley is fake because Foley has been holding him back.

Abyss .vs. Samoa Joe .vs. Crimson

Abyss is back! I phoned this one in. It’s been s stacked show so far. Typical 3-way action, nothing too special, all 3 looked strong at different points in the match. Abyss hits a Blackhole Slam on Joe, Crimson knocks Abyss down and pins Joe.

Winner: Crimson

Then Abyss jumps Crimson from behind. Joe doesn’t care. He leaves. Abyss kicks Crimson’s ass. Abyss’ teeth are fucked up now. I hope RVD feels bad about that.

Van Dam says he’s got a front-row seat for the Battle Royal. He says that if things go his way at Sacrifice, he wants to know who his future opponent will be.

25-Man Battle Royal To Crown New #1 Contender

Battle royals are tough to recap. Dreamer is in it. Immortal is in it. Morgan is in it. Steiner is in it. Fortune is in it. The Pope is in it. Anderson is in it. Angle is in it. Jarrett is in it. And a lot of other guys who don’t matter are in it. This is a nice touch to highlight multiple feuds at the same time going into a PPV though.

Matt Morgan dumps the British Invasion. Orlando Jordan tries to have sex with Matt Morgan, so Morgan tosses him. Then Morgan tosses Anarchia out before Anarchia can cripple anyone else. Guys brawl… yeah i can’t keep up with this. I’m not saying it’s bad or anything. But there’s too much to type. Eric Young is being retarded. Tommy and Ray are teaming up. Hernandez tosses Jesse Neal. Then Hernandez tosses Shannon Moore onto him. See ya, losers. Matt Morgan tosses Robbie E. Eric Young tosses out Gunner (hah, yeah this guy is on the fast track all right.) and continues being retarded before eliminating himself. Then he thinks he’s won Gunner’s TV Title. Not funny. I don’t know how long EY has to be like this before they just give it up. Fuck Eric Young. 

Commercial. One of them I’m pretty sure was for a club full of hookers. Not strippers. Hookers. Classy.

We’re back. Jeff Jarrett eliminates Kazarian, and Kaz may have hurt his leg. Good work if so, Jeff. We need more guys who can barely work to injure more guys who can actually work. Hardy and Storm eliminate each other. Hardy pulls Roode out despite not being in the match anymore. Beer Money chases Matt Hardy to the back.

Foley has joined commentary. Daniels is out. Morgan eliminates Hernandez. Steiner dumps Morgan. Ray dumps Steiner. Foley is talking about how much wrestling matters again. Tenay and Taz eat this up. Pope skins the cat and D-Von is out. Pope giving D-VOn a crotch shot. Angle takes Pope out. Commercial.

Tenay is a tool. He’s like Fuj’s idol. 

Dreamer tosses AJ. He high-fives Ray. Then Ray tosses Dreamer. AJ kicks Dreamer’s ass on the floor. We’re down to Jarrett, Ray, Anderson and Angle. Please not Anderson, please not Anderson, please not Anderson, no Emmy no Emmy no Emmy BAM. Karen is back out now, bringing her segment total to way too many yet again.

Ray and Anderson both get knocked THROUGH the ropes, so neither are eliminated. Angel starts wrecking Jarrett with clotheslines and some snap suplexes. Angle is trying to jump Jarrett, but Karen stops him. Then she grabs Kurt’s leg and Jarrett eliminates him. Chyna already sucks at her assigned duties.

Jarrett thinks he’s won. He hasn’t, Ray and Anderson are still in this. Chyna hits the ring. Crowd pops. She eliminates Jeff Jarrett. She’s awfully late to be of any use. She goes after Karen, Jarrett pulls her out and he and Karen run through the crowd. Chyna and Angle give chase.

Ray and Anderson back in the ring exchanging punches. Foley is talking about Bully Ray’s insecurities? Anderson tries to hit a Senton, but Ray gets his knees up and that looked particularly nasty. They’re wrestling for the elimination, and people are chanting for Anderson for some reason. Anderson tosses Ray.

Fuck. I knew it.

Winner & New #1 Contender: Ken Anderson

Anderson gets the mic and sucks at yet another promo. He actually says that he is to Sting what the Navy Seals were to Bin Laden. He says he’s going to give Sting a “head shot”. Amazing. That’s SO fucking amazing.

Anderson winning I am not a fan of. For a longer Battle Royal, it wasn’t great, but… it wasn’t bad either, I guess. Eliminations happened way too easily.

Backstage, Sting is happy that Anderson won the match because WRESTLING MATTERS. Vam Dam walks in, and says not to overlook him. Then Ken Anderson walks in and continues to be a waste. Show over.

Closing Thoughts

I’m not going to get too far into the Foley, the name change, the WE’RE ALL ABOUT WRESTING NOW claim, or the Chyna thing this week. It’s been a long recap. Here are some quick thoughts:

I will say that Chyna is actually a surprise that somewhat delivered though, in terms of… well, a surprise… and that’s saying something when we’re talking about a company who rarely delivers on surprises. Whatever your opnion is of her (and mine isn’t high) Chyna actually meant something to a lot of people during wrestling’s hottest period. Which is more than you can say for Ken Anderson, Matt Morgan, or Orlando Jordan. So I will say that for this whole thing. It’s not all positive though with Chyna being here now though, that’s for sure. 

Foley as the Network Rep? Sure, why not. It makes sense. Sort of. And it could be a lot worse.

And at least SAYING that the focus of the show is wrestling makes perfect sense, given what WWE is doing right now, and also just for the reason that it’s a WRESTLING SHOW. So yeah, great idea. But, delivering on this is a different story though, especially given that the company is TNA. They’ve given the “we’re FOR REAL this time really, for real, not like those last 8 or 9 times we’ve said we were FOR REAL over the last few years and then forgot about it 2 weeks later!” speech before, and they quite often fail to deliver. So it was a lovely thing to say, but until they actually start delivering, NO ONE should get excited. No one would be happier than me if they actually followed through this time though. It MAY not be too late.

The name change? Whatever, it’s really not that big a deal. I think I was confused as to whether they were changing the name of the company, or just the name of the Impact show. It sounds like it’s just the Impact show. Changing the name of the company would be one thing. Just changing the name of the TNA show to a name without TNA in it is… kinda dumb. In a way though, anything where they actually take “TNA” out of their name is a good move. Unless they were actually getting rid of the “TNA” name entirely though, it won’t make much difference, and if they’re not, then why wouldn’t they want “TNA” attached to the name of TNA’s only wrestling show? I don’t really get it. No one will really notice or remember though, and to anyone who thinks that it will and that it is a bad move, remember that this company was called NWA-TNA about five or so years ago, and no one remembers THAT. So there. I remember a year or so ago when Hogan was claiming that everyone in WWE wanted to come work for TNA. I can picture Kozlov or DiBiase Jr. in WWE going “Hey guys, has this Jarrett guy been calling anyone else a lot wanting them to go work somewhere, I think it’s called like Tits Championship Wrestling or something? Ha, that’s stupid. I never called him back.” (At least until WWE fires them.) So they should have just axed the “TNA” name altogether.

Maybe I’ll get more into all this next week. I’d love to hear everyone’s reaction to Chyna coming in, Foley returning, the name change, the recap, and Impact in general though, so as always, comments are much appreciated. You guys do that, and I’ll pass opinions from myself and the team along next week.

This has been “That Being Said”. For me and for The BEST F#$%ING TNA TEAM EVER, thanks for reading, remember to comment and remember www.Twitter.com/BlairADouglas.