For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 5/16/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 5/16/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, repetitive-yet-still-innovative column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your host Andrew Wheeler, and tonight’s RAW brings us one step closer to another in a long line of Rock-free PPVs.

Over the Limit follows a familiar WWE pattern of giving us the Wrestlemania main event for three consecutive shows, each with a bit of a twist. The upcoming Cena/Miz “I quit” match should hopefully bring closure to the feud, though it does highlight a major problem with the RAW brand. With the exception of John Cena, there isn’t any true big name face on the show. Yes, there’s Rey Mysterio, but Vince has shown time and time again that he doesn’t view Mysterio as the true “guy” for the brand. There’s also The Big Show, who does tend to gravitate from jokey upper midcarder to main event threat, but no one is tuning in to the flagship show to see his ridiculously large leather bomber jacket. With Morrison out, that only leaves Kofi Kingston, who hasn’t had a main event push since he defaced Randy Orton’s racecar. Once Miz comes back down to Earth after his Cena feud, who is there really for him to feud with? Hmm…maybe those rumors about turning him face will come to fruition sooner rather than later.

Anyway, since I’m pressed for time, let me get my plugs out of the way and dive right into the show. You can follow me on Twitter (, friend me on Facebook and post in the comment section down below. So without further ado…

The RAW Judicial Review for May 16, 2011

“Everyone has a price.”

We go right to Nickelback, because the kids love hearing a song that says the word “balls”.

There’s pyro, there’s ballyhoo and there are some bright signs out there in Texas. The show opens with the Confederate Flag loving John Cena. John slides into the ring and gets interrupted by Alex Riley. Riley comes out and does his own John Cena promo, as if they’re repetitive or something.

Riley throws to a video package of The Miz beating the crap out of John Cena before introducing Miz, who comes out in a dapper suit. Riley talks about how the fans always underestimated The Miz, and you have to love that the only guy who can cut a promo has his own manager.

Alex makes an obligatory local sports reference before making an obligatory “Miz will prove you all wrong” reference. Oh, also he can’t utter the words “I quit.” Cena calls The Mizfit stupid and useless before making a dated Jonas Brothers joke. Cena then mocks Miz for not having any balls. John then says that he sees fear in Miz’s eyes and that Miz is worried about getting hurt and that at the PPV he’ll say “I’m The Miz and I quit.”

The GMail goes off and I paraphrase…Miz can pick Cena’s opponent tonight, and he’s gonna be awesome.


Kofi Kingston v. CM Punk w/ PuNexus

Why does Kofi’s entire color palate have to feature a highlighter color? It’s painful to look directly at him. Punk and Kofi lock up and run the ropes for a little while until Kingston hits a spinning elbow that knocks CM Punk out of the ring.

The PuNexus try to interfere but Punk calls them off. In the ring, Punk delivers elbows to Kofi’s head and gets a two count. Punk gets up and drops a knee across Kofi’s face for another two. He goes to the top rope but gets kicked in the skull and drops to the mat.

Kofi goes to the top rope and connects with a stoned cross body for two. Kofi goes for Trouble in Paradise but Punk turns it into a GTS attempt but Kofi rolls him up for two. Kingston leaps off the top rope but gets knocked off and laid out with a GTS for the pin.

Punk goes to the top of the ramp and sits Indian Style. He points out that this is leadership by example. CM punk heard the rumors and he’s doing things his way until PuNexus is the most dominant force in the WWE Universe.

The Miz is talking with Vickie and Dolph. Later tonight, there will be a contract signing.


Kelly Kelly v. Brie Bella

And the Kharma countdown…begins…now.

Kelly and Brie lock up and Brie grabs an arm bar. Kelly breaks free and tackles Brie, but gets distracted by Nikki and is rolled up for two. Kelly breaks free and slaps Brie on the ass before connecting with her flying headscissor and springboard elbow for two.

Kelly rolls Brie up and wins with a four count. The Bellas double-team Kelly, which of course brings out Kharma. By the way, this week was Lawler’s first fat joke at Kharma’s expense, for those of you completists.

Kharma walks over to Kelly’s lifeless body, so of course one of the Bellas jumps her. Khamra throws one down and catches another off the top rope and slams her. One of the Bellas flees as the other one takes an Implant Buster.

Kharma then walks to Kelly Kelly and picks her up by her cheek. She brushes Kelly’s blonde hair and flicks her on the forehead before walking away.

Miz is in the back talking to The Big Show, but we can’t hear it because apparently the cameraman is hiding behind crates. Or something.


We get a shot of The Alamo, which of course leads us to “That’s What I Am”.

Rey Mysterio comes out and babbles in Spanish for a bit before saying he is going to speak the truth. He says that he likes to call out the man who jumped him and handle his business like a man. Mysterio calls out Resurrection-Truth so he can show him why he didn’t deserve to be in the main event.


We’re back and Rey Mysterio literally stood there for the entire commercial break. Out comes…the wrong minority heel. It’s Alberto Del Rio. He reminds us what his name is before blaming Mysterio for costing him his shot at John Cena. Apparently he’s a full-blooded Mexican, which is a source of great pride for him. America apparently begged him to come to his country, unlike the rest of us who came here like rats.

Rey Mysterio v. Alberto Del Rio

Rey starts off with some fast offense but gets caught on the top rope during his opening flurry with an arm-breaker as we fade to…


We’re back as Del Rio’s rest hold gets broken. Rey tries to fight back but gets tossed into the corner so that Alberto can work his arm. Del Rio grabs an arm bar, clearly stealing from the Stinko Malenko playbook. Rey breaks free and tries to counter but gets kicked in the face for two.

Del Rio grabs another rest hold for a while but Rey catches him with an elbow to the jaw and flips out of the hold. Del Rio charges Rey but misses and slips through the second rope and crashes on the outside. Rey starts his charge but R-Truth appears in the stands to berate Mysterio. He calls Rey a thief, but the distraction winds up helping Rey, who sets Alberto up for a 619. Ricardo Rodriguez jumps up to take the move, and this causes a disqualification.

After the match, Del Rio drops Rey. Truth then jumps Rey from behind and throws punches that miss by a county mile. He then hits the Lie Detector, which is both a devastating finisher and a pun.

Truth asks who Rey thinks he is because no one challenges The Truth. Apparently he makes the challenges as he stomps on Rey.

The Miz is in the back with CM Punk and Mason Ryan. Ryan would be the ideal choice, since he’d probably botch a move and injure Cena.


Did you know a lot of people went to WWE Live Events?

Lawler, Cole and SwAngle are all in the ring in the official contract signing positions. Cole demands that Lawler say out loud the stipulations for the match, which are probably not enforceable under Statute of Frauds. Jerry signs the contract without reading the stipulations. It’s apparently a “Kiss My Foot” match.

Lawler says that Bret Hart was a superior athlete and that SwAngle was a former world champion. Cole says that people forgot that SwAngle was ever World Champion, which pisses him off so SwAngle bails. Lawler grabs Cole by his tie and slams him onto the table so he can promise to make him kiss his foot.

The Miz is in the back with Isaac Yankem…I mean Kane. Big Show shows up and the tag champs leave for a…


We’re back and Cole is all pissy in his cave.

Kane & Big Show v. PuNexus

Otunga and Slightly Perfect will be representing the PuNexus here, so this one should be a doozey. SP and Kane start out and it’s a lot of SP bouncing off of the good dentist.

Big Show gets tagged in and he slaps the hell out of SP. He tries for a blind tag but gets a boot to the face. SP goes after Show’s leg and tags in Otunga. David Otunga dropkicks Big Show and gets a two count. He then tags in SP, who stomps away on Show.

SP gets tagged back in and he works the leg while Punk berates Big Show on the outside. Show counters with a leg drop but Otunga manages to tag himself in. Otunga stomps away and tags SP back in. Big Show powers out and tags in Kane, who hits a sidewalk slam for two.

Mason Ryan runs into the ring for no reason but gets shoulderblocked by Big Show on the outside. Punk kicks Kane in the head and SP hits a swinging neckbreaker for the pin.

The Miz and R-Truth are talking in the back. It’s as exciting as it sounds.


Scott Stanford is in the back with Big Show & Kane, who talk about how they’re going to retain the tag belts on Sunday. Yep, that’s it.

John Cena is walking in the back and he heads right past Zack Ryder and straight into a…


Awesome, here comes The Miz. Tonight’s match is No Holds Barred, so I guess bring on Zeus.

John Cena v. Kurt SwAngle

SwAngle jumps Cena on the top of the ramp. He drags Cena into the ring and delivers a series of elbows and a leg drop. SwAngle slams Cena down and hits a Vader Bomb for two and we fade to…


We’re back and SwAngle has one hell of a resthold locked in. During the break, Cena tossed SwAngle into some cushy chairs, which looked like it hurt. SwAngle grabs a steel chair and goes for a Vader Bomb, which connects.

SwAngle props a chair in the turnbuckle, but this allows Cena to come back with some shoulderblocks until SwAngle catches him in midair and drives him into the mat. He locks in the AngleLock but Cena rolls through. SwAngle runs face-first into the steel chair and we do a slow double-count.

Cena comes back with the Five Moves of Mediocrity and hits the FU and the STFU for the win.

The Miz says that it’s very impressive, but he should cherish the thrill of victory, because at the PPV this Sunday he’ll feel emptiness, regret and maybe some hunger. Miz promises to make him say “I quit.” Miz then smashes a camera into the stage. Mizfit pulls a pipe out from under the ring to illustrate something Miz won’t use. This is the worst game of Clue ever.

Miz runs in the ring and wails on Cena with a steel pipe, but Cena fights back and uses it on him and Mizfit. Cena promises that The Miz will say “I quit” for like the millionth time tonight.

This has been for your consideration.

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