Bring it on home, guys and dolls. And by home, I do mean my humble abode we’ve come to call “Kue’s Korner”. I’m your main resident, Jonah Kue, and we’ve got a pretty brisk column for you today. Consider it a decent manifestation of the current state of ‘rasslin’. In any case, let’s begin with the latest edition of Kue’s ReKall in Autotune! This week, our beat pays homage to the Palace of Wisdon and John Morrison.
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Jonah’s Jumpstart
Anonymity, thy name be…Fruity Pebbles?
To be honest, this boy tries to steer clear of fantasy booking. It’s not for the sake of it being overdone (let’s face it, oversaturation is as common as a botched move in a Diva’s match), nor for the sake of my being “too good†for it. The reason is more based around the idea of fantasy booking getting my hopes up for an angle I can get invested in (to say the least) only to realize, in the current state of pro wrestling, it will never come to pass. However, my containment of this little imaginative booking failed. So, if you wouldn’t mind my borrowing your imaginations for a bit.
So, the notion being pushed down our gullets is that R-Truth is our esteemed lunatic, raving about pretend conspiracies and whatnot. But what if they turned out to be true? What if, through some odd turn of events, it’s revealed that the anonymous GM turned out to be none other than….John Cena.
Now, think about this, friends. Truth has been speaking of conspiracies concocted by Cena and the fans to keep him down. But what if the real conspiracy was Cena keeping up this overtly fan-friendly persona to keep those merchandise sales going and that, as the kids say, dough rolling in? With this cover being blown, Cena can embrace a heel role that, not only bested the blindly-cheering marks, but the supposed smarks who jeered him as well. And in an economy such as this, no heel will garner more heat than a manipulative, scheming cover artist who played the public for fools for a steep profit. And as the Raw GM, Cena can also embrace a roll that will keep him in power, preferably keep him away from the title picture, and boast a maniacal megalomaniac not seen since Mr. McMahon himself. Think about it, ladies and gents.
Total Nonstop Articulation
I can’t talk about TNA this week. I try to keep a relatively level headed persona when it comes to this ‘rassling thing. But this past Impact (fuck you, I’m not calling it ‘Impact Wrestling’) was a giant middle finger to any of us who felt a hint of optimism for the future in this potential competition for Vince. Instead, it was a shitfest. A bonafide toilet.
Blair, Swayze, you were right, guys.
Blue Streak
It’s finally come to pass. For weeks, we’ve pined for it, and it’s finally come. Christian has turned. And the reaction was….muted. Well, more like piped. Apparently, from what I’ve heard through those in attendance, there was a huge pop for Capt. Charisma when he branded Orton with the belt. There was even an audible “Christian†chant. However, through the magic of non-live television, apparently, production piped in a good amount of jeering when the events occurred.
Look, I’m all for manipulating a few things for the sake of story. But the fact that crowd reaction is being completely overturned is a horrible backwards move, especially for this particular angle where Christian is validated to a freaking fault. I suppose we can’t have the crowd validating Christian, since it legitimizes him. That would make him a ‘tweener. And we all know that shades of gray is the first step towards TV-14.
So, arguably the four best wrestlers on the blue brand are in the same program? I love it. Obviously, they’re building to Bryan/Rhodes for the next PPV, but the involvement of Sin Cara and DiBiase makes this exciting on a weekly basis. I’m rather looking forward to the tag match that will inevitably occur on a Smackdown involving these four.
I know I sound like a guy who voted for Obama for all the wrong face value reasons, but it’s good to finally see a brown guy getting a push who is actually a pretty decent worker. Jinder Mahal, keep it going, man. Brown power!
Seeing Red
Nice to see Vince back on television. But the show stealer was, once again, the Truth. The opening promo, involving Vince, Austin, Miz, Truth, A-Ri, and Cena, was definitely a more exciting one than others in recent memory. It set the stage for this edition of Raw to be a spectacle sort of show. This was fine, but we’ll get more of the same next week due to the three hour special. Redundancy has become a rather predictable pattern in ‘E.
However, one redundancy I will not get tired of is Mysterio and Punk. The chemistry here is undeniable, and it seems fresh every time these two mix it up.
Finally…FINALLY, ZACK RYDER HAS COME BACK TO….job? Really? Well….damn, should we take what we can get here? I’m not sure if I should be outraged or contempt.
Booker T is in the ring and going over actual wrestling talent. Eh, beats hearing him on commentary. Right there.
This episode was more inclined to give people a feel-good feeling rather than advance storylines and have the right people go over. The trouble with this setup being on RAW is that it feels a bit cheap. The weekly shows should be used as build up towards a PPV or some type of ending where the face extravaganza happens.
Also, this appears to be an episode where everyone has forgotten how to sell Stunners.
‘Round the Bend
Cock back and unload the first shot of the Ryder Revoltion! As told on “The O’Really Reportâ€, courtesy of Rhett “Radman†Davis.
Optimism in darker days is the theme of Mike Gojira’s “The Stomping Ground†this week.
Joel Leonard takes a stab at some analysis of the Divas division in ‘E via “No Chanceâ€.
Homegirl Kelly Floyd gives a lush breakdown all her own of the completion of Christian’s heel turn in her Smackdown Recap.
Blair A. Douglas and THE BEST F$^*ING TNA TEAM EVER had the displeasure of recapping the vomit that was this past week’s Impact, and their commentary is, as always, blindingly hilarious. Check out That Being Said. Guys, thank you for your sacrifice.
And finally, James Alsop has a phenomenal and rather unique perspective on our favorite cult leader, CM Punk on his “Keynotes and Keyholdsâ€.
Klosing Thoughts
Can I be frank? Nah, I’ll just be Jonah (wakka, wakka). Maybe it’s simply due to the newly-busy schedule in my life, or maybe it’s simply old age coming to claim me, but it just seems that nothing stands out anymore. Besides Truth and Christian as heels, nothing in pro wrestling is attention grabbing as it should be. Everything seems like backwash, running through a routine so overused, it’s like Pam Anderson at a has-been rock star convention. It’s not a lack of talent. The fault lies in, you guessed it, the booking. Start and stop pushes get frustrating, and seeing Cena and Orton lose the belts only to know they’ll inevitably get their lengthy reigns back within a matter of a couple of months is just…..rancid. I know if I’m getting a bit fed up with this, I can only imagine how the rest of you cynical bastards of the IWC are feeling. Here’s hoping for change.
Adieu.
