Welcome to “That Being Said”.  I’m Blair, and I will be your guide through the abysmal black hole that promises to drag all of us under, to a lower level of polluted soul, where the only thing whiter than the noise is the wrestlers. Also known as Impact Wrestling. If you like to be bored and annoyed into a kind of submission that can only be alleviated by hitting any sequence of numbers on the remote control as fast as you can, this show is for you.
Let’s get the pleasantries out of the way first. This show has hit bottom. I don’t say that lightly, because that’s quite the statement for a company with a history the likes of TNA. Yeah, they’ve had some high points, but they’ve had WAY more low points. At this point, the only fans left of this show are people that will defend TNA no matter what stupid shit they pull. Seriously, this is the only show I could possibly cover that has fans that are this blindly loyal.Â
TNA fans are claiming that SmackDown is losing viewers BECAUSE OF TNA. And those same fans were actually fucking with Mick Foley on his Twitter for getting fired from TNA Wrestling. You read that right. They are heckling him for getting fired when he DIDN’T GET FIRED. TNA is planning on making Crimson, Gunner and Roode the main-eventers of TNA, and TNA fans are using this as a reason why TNA is better than WWE, even though those 3 guys are basically exact templates of every generic WWE-produced wrestler to appear in the last decade, and Crimson and Gunner have less than 20 TV matches in TNA combined. Chyna would rather do porn that work in TNA. Eric Bischoff is answering questions that no one is asking. Hulk Hogan is blaming fans for the death of WCW.
Worse than that is what some people who dislike TNA’s current product are doing. Some guy actually wants to get the hashtag “Fire Bischoff” going on Twitter during Impact tonight. And people are actually going for it. While I’m not a Bischoff fan by any means, nor do I think that losing him would be any great loss, it’s a bit mark-ish to blame him and only him for TNA’s many current woes. There are problems that go WAY beyond Bischoff.
Anyway, it’s all pretty unreal. This leads me to…
Earlier This Week…
* Begin Scene. The BEST F#$%ING TNA TEAM EVER meets at their secret underground lair.*
Blair: Hey guys, thanks for coming.
WaterDrip: What’s this all about?
Well, I think we may have a problem.
Cam: Make it quick. I’ve got a hooker waiting out back.
Crystal: Wait… wait, I still can’t understand Cam. You didn’t figure a way around the yellow font?
Not really. No one is going to bother to highlight text just to read what he’s saying. I was thinking he could be like the guy that no one understands. That could be funny.
Like that Asian kid Toshi from American Dad?
Exactly.
I fucked your Mom.
Cam’s right, it’ll be awesome.
Okay, so what’s this about?
I don’t think we can cover Impact Wrestling this week.
Seriously? No more?
Well, I think it’s starting to become a hazard to our health.
STD: Blair, I know I’m just a robot that you and Swayze created from DNA collected from The Fuj’s hair samples, Incognito’s toenail clippings, and Corey Yuen’s skin flakes, but come on. I know you like to make jokes. But to say that Impact Wrestling is a hazard to anyone’s health is an exaggerat…
No. I’m serious. It’s a hazard to our health. Look at Swayze.
TUMS.
… whoa.
What happened to him?!?!
TNA has struck him deaf and dumb. He’s been watching Impact for weeks.
HA!
TUMS.
Something’s wrong with his thumbs? Is that what he’s saying?
No, TUMS. It’s a kind of stomach antacid that… it’s not important. He’s messed up really bad.
TUMS.
Swayze, I’ve looked everywhere. I don’t even think they make them anymore.
TNA has ruined him. He’s ruined!
I think he looks GREAT! He looks like he’s ready to make an IMPACT BABY! If anyone can cure him, it’s Christy Hemme… BOING!!! Give him a couple hours on IMPACT with her and I’ll have him singing in the choir!!!
… no. This is bad.
TUMS.
I’m kind of worried about him. I think we should take him to the hospital. Unfortunately, this means we’ll have to miss Impact.
Wait… how long has he been like this?
A few days.
So why are we just taking him now?
Because Blair just doesn’t want to watch Impact Wrestling.
… well, I…
Oh, come on… you don’t mean…
What?
You know what. You’ve delayed getting a mentally ill Swayze the help he needs so you have an excuse not to watch Impact.
I have not!
TUMS.
Yes you have.
You know what then, fine, I’ll take him, and YOU stay here and watch Impact Wrestling.
Whoa, whoa, I wasn’t saying…
No. No! You’re right. Impact isn’t so bad. So you and Crystal and Cam stay here, and watch Impact with STD.
YEAH!!! It’ll be fun guys!!! Impact is going to stop dropping in ratings this week! Those numbers DON’T LIE!!! Will Mr. Anderson be HILARIOUS again this week??? Will Easy E pin more X-Division wrestlers this week??? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!!!
TUMS.
I’d rather a train run over my testicles.
I’d rather be buried up to my neck in sand while fire ants eat my face.
I’d rather have my fingernails pulled out one by one with a pair of rusty pliers and shoved directly into my eyeballs while I shower in sulfuric acid.
TUMS.
Well, you guys said that…
No. Fuck you. You listen to me. This is serious.
It is serious.
Don’t you fucking threaten us with Impact Wrestling.
Don’t you fucking dare.
…
Whoa, maybe this has gone a bit…
I will fuck you ’till your ass bleeds.
Do you understand?
Do you understand that if you ever threaten us with Impact like this ever again, I will make it my life’s mission to find you, hunt you down, destroy you and everyone you know, burn your house down, and hire a family that for many generations will visit the ashen remains in the middle of the night and piss on them?
TUMS.
M… maybe we should get Swayze to a hospital?
Yeah. Maybe we should. Asshole.
Let’s go.
STD, I guess you’re in charge of the recap. Good luck.
REALLY?!?! I won’t let you down guys!!! Maybe if you get back in time we can still watch some of IMPACT WRESTLING, BAB…
* Door slams. STD is alone. End scene. *
“TNA Has an STD”
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! This is gonna be so much fun!!! Who’s ready to make an IMPACT?!?! NOT TOO SHABBY!!!
First, we see the AMAZING SWERVE from last week where MICK FOLEY GOT FIRED. Silly motherfucker, wanting TNA to help out his charity. He knows as well as I do that TNA doesn’t have any money, and he knows that TNAÂ needs to use ALLÂ their ad-time to let everyone know that WRESTLING MATTERS. Not like WWE – they don’t even have tag teams!Â
Followed by that we get Impact Wrestling’s AMAZING intro.
To open, we get DA MAN Hulk Hogan and EASY E coming to the ring. Quite fantastic. Hulk welcomes all of us to IMPACT WRESTLING, where he tells us that nothing has changed. He says the network now realizes they don’t need a watch dog like that charity money-grubber Foley anymore. Hulk says that they now have the full confidence of THE NETWORK. Easy E says that some things THE NETWORK did like was Impact Wrestling’s new name. He also says that The Network loves Spike TV, so that they will present the X-Division in a fair and balanced manner.
Easy E also tells us that they are going to do something about the Title match at Slammiversary in 3 days. He calls out Mr. Anderson. Man, I bet this guy is glad he quit WWE so he wouldn’t have to work with hacks like Orton and Cena. I bet Vince McMahon CRIES watching this show. Over a million people watch Mr. Anderson every Thursday now! Those numbers don’t lie. Oh yeah, then Sting comes out. Hulk thanks them for coming out, and tells them now that they’re on a roll, that he wants to make one thing clear. Hogan says they won’t go through again what the went through before with The Network. He says he promised to run the show in the most professional manner possible. He says there will be no interferance at the PPV on Sunday. HOGAN!!! HOGAN!!! HOGAN!!!
Mr. Anderson grabs the mic. BUSINESS JUST PICKED UP! Anderson tells Sting he is a joke. Mr. Anderson says he is ASSHOLE enough to admit that he is in this for him, and only him. WWE CAN’T SAY ASSHOLE!!! ANDERSON IS SHOOTING!!! TAKE THAT YOU PG-PUPPETS!!! People boo Anderson. Sting grabs the mic. He says that he isn’t going to lose, and that his title is the only thing that stands between Bischoff and Hogan making a joke of the company. Sting says he is not leaving TNA until he makes Hogan and Bischoff’s lives so miserable that they disappear, or until the real Hulk Hogan stands up again. He talks about what babyface Hulk Hogan used to be like, and says that Bischoff is the parasite that is bringing him down. He says Hogan needs to cut Bischoff out before it’s too late, and that Hogan has a choice.
Commercial. So tired. I hate mornings. Only 20 minutes. No time for coffee. I need to get a 5-Hour Energy shot!
Mickie James & Tara .vs. Angelina Love & Winter
A MATCH ALREADY!!! AND IT’S KNOCKOUTS!!! SUCK IT WWE DIVAS!!! WRESTLING MATTERS HERE!!! Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that energy shot. Winter and Angelina’s entrance just shot them to the top of the TNA roster. And Mickie totally didn’t get fired from WWE, she left so she could compete with THE BEST IN THE WORLD.
Lockup… armlock by Tara. She tags Mickie. Crowd is going NUTS! Tara is screaming all excited. Mickie with an armlock, and she tags Tara back. PSYCHOLOGY!!! SIDE SLAM by Tara, and Taz says it was IMPACTFUL! I AGREE!!! She tags Mickie back, but Angelina jumps her and tags Winter. Taz talks about how Angelina hasn’t been doing a lot of moves because of her mental state? SEE YOU TNA HATERS?!?! IT’S NOT BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW ANY MOVES!!!
Oh yeah, the match. It was too fast and furious to keep up with. Winter dominated Mickie for a while, then tagged Angelina who slammed her for 2. Angelina tags Winter back, and they double team her while the ref is distracted with Tara. Mickie battles out of the corner, and gets out of there, and goes for a tag, but MADISON RAYNE comes down and DOMINATES TARA!!! This allows Angelina to perform a GREAT MOVE on Mickie for the pin.
Winners: Angelina Love & Winter
Backstage, Roode is talking to Shelley and Storm. Tonight, Shelley and Storm fight Mexican America. Roode says Shelley is the perfect guy to take his place. He warns that they have to watch out for Mexican America because there is FOUR of them. Mexican America is still a HUGE THREAT despite them being jobbed out to the first two of two minor threats they faced. Which is exactly what Hernandez screams in Spanish at a camera after a commercial.
Oh MAN, they showed a HARDCORE brawl in a BAR with Samoe Joe and the FUTURE OF TNA, Crimson!!! They are kicking the shit out of each other and swearing!!! Fans are being shoved!!! Crimson sells this like a CHAMPION. The kid is becoming a star before my eyes. I can’t wait for him to beat Sloppy Joe. No one pays money to see Joe. People pay money to see Crimson. Eat your heart out with your babyface Cena, WWE marks. Crimson is the future!
BIG DADDY DOUBLE J walks in the building, and refuses to talk to a cameraman who asks him how the Queen Of The Mountain (HUBBA HUBBA!!!!) is. He’s way too distraught to answer. I hope Karen being hurt won’t distract him from beating Angle and being the #1 contender and winning the TNA World Heavyweight Title again. Putting Jarrett as the champ and letting him run over babyfaces is a formula that WORKS! Just being honest.
Gun Money (w/ Robert Roode)Â .vs. Mexican America (w/ Sarita & Rosita)
British Invasion On Commentary
BOTH racial stereotypes in the same match! Talk about MONEY! No wonder SmackDown is losing ratings. Like my homie Mike Tenay says, GET YOUR FRIENDS ON THE PHONE and get them to TUNE IN! WWE doesn’t even HAVE tag-teams anymore! They put up the Mexican Flag. ARRIBA LA RAZA!!! I always wanted to say that.
Anarquia chops down that midget Shelley. I hope he cripples him like he did that loser Sabin. No one wants to see those guys. They should push Anarquia to the top along with Gunner & Crimson. Shelley powers him down and does a double stomp, then tags storm who drops a legdrop and an elbow. He tags Shelley back in, and some double-teaming happens. Shelley does a nice kick followed by a codebreaker from Storm. Anarquia jumps from behind, then delivers a suplex. Shelley does power up but eats a shoulder from Hernandez. Slam by Hernandez, but he misses a Frog Splash. Shelley tags Storm and beats up Anarquia when he gets tagged in. He hits a DDT, but Hernandez saves. Storm clotheslines him over the rope, then stands on the rope so that Shelley can suicide dive onto him. Then Storm hits his finish on Anarquia but the girls distract the ref.
Storm spits beer in the girls’ face. Shelley slides in and tries a superkick, but misses and hits Storm. Anarquia tosses him out of the ring and pins Storm.
Winners: Mexican America
Sidenote: During that match, you will hear a lot from TNA-haters like my buddy Blair about what British Invasion said on commentary. Rest assured they did NOT say anything along these lines: making fun of how stupid it is for two guys that arent the champs to defend the titles, making fun of Hogan and Bischoff for being on the show a lot, or making fun of TNA’s continuity and how MCMG and Beer Money fight each other to the death months ago, and now are friends. Nothing of the sort.
Gunner walks into Anderson’s locker room. These two guys do nothing but show why they are the BEST promo men in the business. Future of the industry. Just being honest. Hey, it’s not just me – over a million people who watch Impact with me agree. JUST BEING HONEST!
Commercial.
Backstage, Mexican America are talking to Hulk Hogan about why they don’t have a tag team title shot. They’ve won one match, they deserve a tag-team title shot!!! They think it’s because they’re Mexican. Hulk Hogan tells them how wrong they are and that they haven’t earned anything. Hernandez says “when you least expect it” to Hogan and the crew walk out the door. They’re turning my man Hogan face!
They recap the AMAZING Jeff Jarrett / Kurt Angle feud. Best fued in the business, of all time. Ever. The Renissance? This is better. OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL CHALLENGE THIS SUNDAY!
Commercial. My man Hulk Hogan talks about how you can finance a TV from Rent-A-Center without using credit! Future of the capital markets right there. This is the way to get the economy back. Don’t ask Blair “Mr. Financial Consultant” about that. He caused the financial collapse.
Big Daddy Double J comes to the ring. For anyone to call him a joke is hilarious. Kurt Angle comes to the ring. Big Daddy says that they’re not going to go back and forth, and that Kurt just needs to listen to Jeff. Jeff says that Karen is gone. He says that Karen will not be at Slammiversary. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Anyway, he talks about how it’s Big Daddy’s fault that Kurt is even in TNA, and how he saved Kurt from WWE. He says he stepped aside to let Kurt be the centerpiece of TNA, and he didn’t get a “thank you” and Kurt was ungreatful, and that he tried to erase Jeff Jarrett from people’s minds. He says he put a plan in place at that point, to take everything away from Kurt Angle, and that he did it. He says he took Kurt’s wife, his kids, and his integrity. Then he DECIDED to be a better wrestler than Kurt, and then he beat Kurt Angle a bunch of times. He says now he is going to take Angle’s medals, as that’s the last thing he has left. Jarrett says that he is the better man.
Kurt takes the mic. He says he wants to thank him, for doing the one thing that no one could ever do, which was take Karen out of his life for good. He says all he ever wanted was him and Jeff in the ring, alone. He says he’s not going to waste time talking, and at Slammiversary he’s going to let his WRESTLING do the talking. Amazing segment. Not 8 minutes too long as those WWE marks would say. THEY DON’T EVEN SAY WRESTLING IN WWE ANY MORE!!! THEY’RE DESTROYING THE INDUSTRY!
ODB says that Velvet Sky was just the first skinny bitch to get in her way.
Backstage, Kaz is walking to the ring with JANICE and Kendrick. One of these two things with Kendrick is way more over than the other. Try to guess which one! It’s Kendrick, obviously.
Bully Ray is in the ring, talking about his Last Man Standing Match on Sunday with AJ Styles. Blair told me that even he is looking forward to that one. Bully Ray says he is going to do what any real man would do, which is to throw out an open challenge. He says he will fight anyone on the roster except D-Von.
Rob Van Dam .vs. Bully Ray
Ray jumps RVD from behind and stays on him. Tenay uses this match for what it should be for, hyping everyone up for Velvet Sky’s match and the Sting / Gunner match! Ray staying on RVD, running into him in the corner and dropping an elbow. AJ Styles is in the crowd. A few people chant for him, but it’s a very small minority. Those people are there to see CRIMSON. Just being honest. Ray spots AJ and they have a staredown. RVD uses the distraction to hit a spinkick, then a springboard kick. Van Dam then hits a 5-Star splash. Pin.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Blair will probably tell you that it should have taken more than 2 kicks, a splash, and 4 minutes to pin Ray. I say the match was too long, if anything. WWE DOESN’T EVEN DO MATCHES ANYMORE!!! THOSE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE WWE HEADQUARTERS WAS A GREAT IDEA!!! GO CRYING BACK TO VINCE, FOLEY!!!
Velvet Sky says that ODB can talk about her all she wants with her eyeliner and fake tits, but that ODB is worse with her BAM and something with her crotch. The action was way too fast and furious for me to tell.
Backstage, Abyss walks up to Kendrick and Kaz and challenges them both for the X-Division Title. He walks away, but Kaz calls him an idiot and thinks this is great. Kendrick is concerned.
Velvet Sky .vs. ODB
ODB is not under contract, so she has to enter from ringside. SEE TNA HATERS, IT MAKES PERFET SENSE!!! Velvet Sky jumps her from behind and kicks her ass against the ramp. ODB then slams Velvet into the steel steps. ODB tosses her into the ring, and demands the bell be rung. It is, and she gets a 2-count. Mike Tenay explains the rich history of this feud, and ODB’s overwhelming physical presence. Taz talks about how much thicker ODB is and how no man should ever under-perform with ODB. ODB deominates until Velvet turns it around, but ODB powers her down and chokes her. Velvet powers up, and hits a DDT for the pin.
Winner: Velvet Sky
LET THE PIGEONS LOOSE!!! SINCE 2007!!!
Backstage, the Will Ferrell of profressional wrestling is being silly with Sting. He wants to merge the world titles and be intergalactic world champion. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!! Sting asks if Eric saw what happened earlier. Eric said he was watching Who’s The Boss. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE WHO’S THE BOSS IS AN OLD SHOW!!! Man, I bet Blair and Swayze would have loved this. Anyway, Sting says that he needs Eric to put aside the comedy and help him tonight. Because it’s not that he’s mentally damaged despite the storyline on this very show that led you to believe that very thing. The continuity is there, you just have to accept that everything they’re telling you as it happens is the most correct thing! It’s a lot better than THE MIZ AND ALBERTO DEL RIO!
Commercial. Everyone go buy a Chrysler. It’s blue-collar work ethic with a white-collar style. Can’t get that anywhere else! They should get Matt Morgan as their spokesperson if they really want to CONNET with their audience. I am rather fascinated by this big man that is the future of TNA.
We get to recap the D-Von / Pope situation on TNA’s highly acclaimed program, X-Plosion. I obviously don’t need to tell anyone about it because anyone who’s anyone watches X-Plosion. At least *THEY* don’t just run ads for their shitty movies!
Sting & Will Ferrell .vs. Mr. Anderson & Gunner
Gunner’s totally non-generic entrance shows why he is the future of TNA. I feel like I want to pay money just to watch any match he is in. Everyone in this ring needs to step aside for Gunner. I heard Vince wants to hire Gunner and put him right in WWE films, but Gunner slapped him in his face and said “NO THANKS MAN! I’D RATHER WRESTLE!” Nice try Vince! LOLS.
Gunner and Sting lock up. Gunner slams Sting into the corner and hits him with some hard shots. Sting powers out of the corner and slams Gunner into the opposite side and hits a Stinger Splash, and hits two of them. Anderson hits him from behind. Gunner tags Anderson, and Anderson works Sting over. Anderson > Austin. It’s true. Look it up. He tags Gunner again, who hits a few more strikes. MAN that Gunner has a diverse offense! To illustrate this, he tries a pin. 1-count. MOVE ASIDE FOR THE YOUNG GUNS ALREADY STING!!!
Then Gunner hits an abdoninal stretch. THAT’S STORYTELLING!!! TAKE THAT FLIPPY STYLES!!! Tag to Anderson. Anderson stomps him a couple times. His stomps are better than Rock’s. That’s not just my opinion, check Twitter! Sting powers back out for the clothesline. Both men down. Sting tags EY. Eric hits some clotheslines as the crowd goes WILD FOR EY!!! EY with a flying elbow. Anderson spins him around but hits a chop and a dropkick. Gunner hits him from behind. This knocks him in to Sting which is a tag.
Then Gunner hits an F5-ish move on Sting and PINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After ONE MOVE!!! GUNNER RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!Â
Winner: Gunner
GUNNER JUST PINNED STING!!!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!! EAT THAT YOU SLOPPY JOE DUMMIES, EYELINER-WEARING DANIELS FANS AND STUPID WWE MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! THE NEXT GENERATION IS HERE!!!
I can’t wait ’till the team hears about this. Sting shoves EY. Commercial.
Backstage, EY is IMPROVING some awesome comedy with Sting. Sting is just upset because these young guys are upstaging him on a weekly basis.
That loser Flippy Styles thinks he got in a real wrestler’s head. Bully Ray comes up to him and tells him how wrong he is.
Sting grabs some makeup out of his trailer. Mr. Anderson shows why he is the best promo man since Ric Flair. He talks about how Gunner beat Sting. Then Sting comes up, and he chases Gunner into a trailer. Sting follows him in and they brawl. Sting, being upset about having to step aside for the YOUNG GUNS that WRESTLING MATTER to, trash-talks Anderson while he puts the Sting makeup on Anderson. Then he puts a sleeper on Anderson. Anderson slowly goes down.
I quite enjoyed this episode of Impact. I am rather intrigued by the storylines heading into what will be the biggest PPV of the year. WrestleMania WISHES they could do this kind of business. Talk about making an IMPACT, BABY!!!
This has been “That Being Said” and I am STD.
