For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 6/13/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 6/13/11

Welcome back to the longest running, action-adventure, passive-aggressive, three hours of show but one hour of wrestling column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your all-star host Andrew Wheeler, and…uh…

If the WWE isn’t a company just going through the motions, than I don’t know what is. They have been running RAWs for the past few weeks that have absolutely no zeal, no zest, no nothing. I’m thrilled with the fact that they are trying someone new in the main event, and am even pleasantly surprised that Resurrection-Truth has worked out as a heel. With that being said, I don’t think they’re going to turn around business with a Truth/Cena program. And that’s fine. No one expects the wrestling world to be lit on fire by those two. With that being said, the disastrous numbers for Over the Limit are going to scare Vince enough that he’s going to go into panic mode and do something drastic. The question is now…what will that drastic move be?

The RAW Judicial Review for 6/13/11

“Everyone has a price.”

It’s three hours of Sports Entertainment, and how better to start than with the blindingly awful sounds of Nickelback. Yes, they’re so bad that you’ll start losing other senses.

There’s pyro, there’s ballyhoo and there are some jacked up Long Islanders. Tonight’s show is hosted by Steve Austin, who gets his own graphic. Apparently Austin booked John Cena v. CM Punk, so maybe we will finally get an Austin/Punk segment before Punk heads for greener pastures.

Awesome, here comes The Miz. He is once again proving he can wear the hell out of a suit. Miz reminds us that this is the flagship show of the WWE, in case you’re new to all of this. Miz calls himself the WWE All-Star. Better than being called the MVP, because he wouldn’t fare well in Japan.

If you don’t realize that Miz is an all-star, you have to be a complete fucking fool…like the Mizfit. Miz promises to expose him like (insert topical joke about disgraced political figure who has a name that also means penis).

The Miz is pissed about how Steve Austin and The Rock and all the other old Attitude Era stars are jealous of him. And sure enough, here comes Steve Austin. Hope Miz didn’t have too much at catering because he’s probably gonna wind up eating a Stunner.

Miz looks like he just swallowed a lemon (or is doing his duck-face impersonation from “Full House”) as Austin points out that The Miz called him out. Steve mocks The Miz’s handkerchief, continuing his long legacy of hating magic. Austin said that The Miz isn’t allowed to talk Stone Cold then puts over Alex Riley, which is just bizarre to watch.

Steve grabs Miz’s tie to point out that Miz will be in the ring with Rowdy Roddy Piper in a Piper’s Pit. Did we really just have an opening promo hyping a promo?!

Austin kicks Miz to the curb and he points out that he’s in charge, which now brings out Alberto Del Rio. Guess this is Del Rio’s chance to avenge that awful promo from last week.

Alberto lets him know what his name is, with some real gusto. Del Rio calls Estonecoal the greatest superstar of his time and wants the passing of a torch. He talks about density for a bit but Austin interrupts him. Steve books him in the first match of the night against…

Alberto Del Rio v. Kane

Commercial.

We get a replay of Big Show jobbing to a car before coming back to hear the bell ring. How considerate of them to wait for us. Really, you could have started a Kane match during the commercial break and I think we all would have lived.

Del Rio fires off some kicks to Kane and hits an arm breaker for two. Alberto stomps him for another two count before he rolls into an armbar. Kane flips Del Rio to the outside and when Alberto runs back in, he takes some punches and kicks before eating a sidewalk slam for two.

Kane leaps off the top rope but Alberto moves out of the way and locks in the cross armbreaker. Kane makes it to the ropes, but Del Rio won’t break the hold and…that’ll do it. Maybe he just didn’t understand the count because it was in English.

Well, here comes The Big Show. He books it down the ring and wails on Del Rio. Ricardo runs in to make the save and he gets walloped. Kane pulls him off and this brings out Steve Austin…again. He’s earning his money tonight. Austin books Big Show/Del Rio for the PPV.

We focus on the lifeless body of Ricardo Rodriguez

Commercial.

Ezekiel Jackson, Daniel Bryan & Sin Cara v. Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase & Wade Barrett

Sin Cara and Rhodes roll around for a bit before Bryan gets tagged in. He will be your face in peril. Wade gets tagged in and grabs a resthold. Wade goes for Baba O’Reilly but Bryan kicks out. Daniel tags in Jackson, who hits Wade with some shoulderblocks. Then it’s time for a series of bodyslams followed by the Torture Wrack. Rhodes and DiBiase break it up but they get dumped to the outside. Jackson does a fastball special with Daniel Bryan. Sin Cara then jumps from out of nowhere with a crossbody for the pin.

Well that was…succinct.

Commercial.

We’re back and That Fuckin’ Midget is shooting t-shirts at the fans. Thankfully, here comes Resurrection-Truth. He talks about how fun the t-shirt gun looks like before reminding us that he’s going to become the new WWE Champion. He tells the fans that they should be booing themselves, though to be fair they were saying Boo-uth. That Fuckin’ Midget shot him with the t-shirt gun, which is how Ned Flanders’s wife died. Truth grabs him and…hugs him. Dude always had a thing for shorties. He then kicks the midget in the head.

Steve is on the Titantron with…John Slo-Mo-Rrison. Hey, guess he’s back. Lawler goes in the ring to care for the midget.

Commercial.

We’re back with a replay of Truth booting the midget, which should be a gif any second now.

Sheamus v. Santino Marella

Santino does some kicks at the air and Sheamus just beats the crap out of him. For some reason neither of them got an entrance, and sadly for me, Sheamus didn’t get a promo. Sheamus props Santino on the second rope and hits him with a running knee. A loud “We want Ryder” chant starts as Santino busts out some Wacky Offense and hits the Cobra for two. Sheamus takes over and debuts his submission hold for the win.

We now get a preview for “Suits”, which I hoped was about clothing that defended clients. This then cuts to Randy Orton, who is walking. He may head to the ring, but he’ll go to the papers if he has to.

Commercial.

We’re back with a replay of Christian hitting Randy Orton in the head with the title…like twelve times.

Here comes Randy Orton, complete with his Eddie Munster stubble. Orton’s microphone apparently wasn’t working. His name is Randy Orton and you killed his microphone, prepare to die. He has the opportunity to cause Christian a tremendous amount of pain…by making him watch Impact. He isn’t satisfied because Christian is in this building and he wants him to come out to the ring. Christian doesn’t show up.

Christian shows up on the Tron and asks why Randy is so angry since his career was handed to him. Christian, on the other hand, had to fight for everything he got in the WWE. Christian says he’s sorey and that he won’t come out there. Randy says that Edge could carry him to the ring since he was carrying him for 17 years. Christian starts walking to the ring and he even gets entrance music. Christian stops halfway down the ramp when security runs out to hold back Orton.

The GMail goes off, which is odd since Austin is the guy running the show. And I paraphrase…even though Steve’s in charge, I have to make a judgment call. Orton was hit in the head for a second week with the title and he has a concussion. Ugh. He has to wait until the PPV, and if he does anything tonight, he’ll be stripped of the title.

Steve Austin appears on the Tron with a beer and he makes a match between Christian and Rey Mysterio.

Commercial.

We’re back and I hear Harlem Heat music, which means it’s time for Bookah T.

Christian v. Rey Mysterio

Christian takes a cheapshot to start, showing that he still remembers how to work as a heel. Rey kicks back but Christian tosses him into the turnbuckle. Christian has Rey on his shoulders but Rey tosses him into 619 position but he bounces back and hits a clothesline.

Christian slams Rey to the canvas and starts cranking the neck. Rey breaks free and tries to springboard off the second rope but gets shoved to the outside and crashes into a…

Commercial.

Christian has a rest hold on and then flings Rey into the turnbuckle before standing on his neck. The ref then calls for the bell because he didn’t break the hold. Really? We’re doing that finish again?

Christian goes to the top rope but Rey crotches him. They both try for suplexes and Christian gets back bodydropped and is on the top rope but Punk comes running out and Rey leaps onto him. This brings out PuNexus. Christian goes for the Killswitch but Rey sets him up for the 619. Mason Ryan catches him and slams Rey into the ringpost. He hits a backbreaker and tosses Mysterio back into the ring.

Christian hits the Killswitch after FOUR MEN took out Rey. Yeah, that’s a great way to build up your number one contender.

Austin is in the back on his cell phone when Dolph Ziggler and Vickie appear. She asks how Steve is and then asks for Ziggler to have a US Title Match on the PPV. Austin grants it, but Dolph needs to drop Vickie as his manager. Steve demands that he answer, and Dolph says he’ll cut her loose. Turns out Austin was just ribbing him, and we get more Vickie shrieking. Awesome.

Commercial.

Did you know that more people follow WWE than random companies?

Resurrection-Truth v. John Slo-Mo-Rrison

We get some video highlights of Truth laying out Morrison in Miami last month. Truth stands in the ring waiting for John to come out, but there’s no one there. His music stops and restarts but still no Morrison. Truth asks him what’s up and then talks some of that funky jive.

Truth runs to the back to go look for Morrison and this has effectively killed the audience. Truth is in the back and he found Morrison laid out on the back. R-Truth berates him while he’s holding his neck. He says that we’ll never get to see this match. Truth then gets a metal cart and rams it into the napping Morrison.

Commercial.

Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero & Kurt SwAngle v. Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne

Oh man, this is Ghanna be good. Kofi and Dolph start it out with some rope running but SwAngle strikes Kofi from behind and Dolph tries for a pin before tagging in Kurt.

SwAngle hammers away at Kingston for a bit before ramming him into the turnbuckle. He goes for a running Vader Bomb but gets booted in the face. Kingston tags in Bourne, who hits some Token Offense. He dropkicks Dolph to the outside and gets a roll-up for two. SwAngle reverses it into an Angle Lock but it gets reversed into the corner. Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise while the ref wasn’t looking and Evan hits AirBourne for the pin.

Commercial.

And here comes Rowdy Roddy Piper, who has clearly been tanning with Mason Ryan. Piper points out that in that very ring he beat Mr. T. They wisely send out The Miz, who saves us from a ten minute unscripted Piper rant. He says that he hates being called a modern Roddy Piper, but Piper cuts him off and says that there will never be another Roddy Piper. Mainly because there’s not enough cocaine left on the planet.

Miz points out that he’s nothing like Piper because he’s been WWE Champion and won in the main event of Wrestlemania. He also points out that Real World did better than “They Live”. Roddy introduces Alex Riley, who inexplicably gets some sort of pop.

Riley comes out, and would it kill that guy to put on a tie? The fans start an “Alex Riley” chant. Maybe hell really did freeze over. Miz points out that Piper used Bob Orton for years and that Miz wised up and fired Alex Riley. Riley says that Roddy could beat The Miz right now. Miz says “Really” a lot before saying he’ll put up a thousand bucks and will wear the suit. Roddy ups it to five thousand dollars.

Steve Austin appears on the Tron and books Piper and Miz with Alex Riley as ref.

Commercial.

The Miz w/ Suit v. Roddy Piper w/ Mizfit as ref

Piper pokes Miz in the eyes and goes for the sleeper. Miz rams him into the corner and wails on him. Mizfit flings Miz off of him and Miz clocks Mizfit. Piper rolls up The Miz and wins the five grand.

Commercial.

The Bella Twins, Rosa Mendes, Tamina, Alicia Fox, Melina & Maryse v. Kelly Kelly, Beth Phoenix, Eve, Gail Kim, Natalya, Kaitlyn & AJ

Kelly and Brie start off but Brie tags in Rosa. Rosa gets tackled by Kelly who then spanks her and hits a stinkface. Rosa gets bulldogged down for two before everyone runs into the ring. Rosa gets kicked in the stomach and is dropped by a FameASSer for the pin.

Eve has the microphone and points out that the Tony Awards were in New York so we get a kickline.

Andy and Steve Austin are in the back and they are drinking beers. CM Punk shows up and Steve offers him a beer. Punk offers to give him a breathalyzer and Steve offers to whip his ass. He bans PuNexus and walks off to a…

Commercial.

Hey, here comes Steve Austin on an ATV. He says it’s been a hell of a Monday Night RAW before the GMail goes off. Cole pensively asks for our attention, and I paraphrase…all good things must come to an end. The GMail will be back next week. Steve makes an announcement about next week…it’ll be another three hour show. Next week is about the power of the people because it’ll be fake Cyber Sunday. The GMail keeps going off so Austin breaks the lectern and asks for beers. He pours beer all over the laptop and then runs it over with his ATV.

We get more Obama wackiness, complete with Christian, Cody Rhodes, Sheamus, Great Khali and That Fuckin’ Midget.

Commercial.

Did you know a lot of people watched Tough Enough and RAW?

CM Punk v. John Cena

It’s clobberin’ time.

The fans are chanting for CM Punk as the bell rings. Punk gets a waist lock but Cena powers out. Punk grabs a headlock and takes John down. Punk goes for the GTS but Cena reverses it into an FU attempt but Punk breaks free.

Punk goes for an Irish Whip but it’s reversed. Punk drops Cena across the top rope and kicks him to the outside as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Punk gets Cena in an abdominal stretch. Cena breaks free and rolls to the outside so Punk responds by leaping over the top rope and smashing into John. Punk now climbs to the top rope and connects with a shoulder block before informing us that he cannot see us.

Punk gets the cover but only gets two. He locks in a body scissor but Cena reverses into the STFU but Punk gets to the ropes. Cena charges Punk but gets caught with a running boot for two.

CM Punk drapes Cena across the second rope and hits a running leg drop for two. Punk whips Cena into the corner and hits the high knee. He goes for the bulldog but Cena blocked it.

Cena tries for the shoulder block but Punk misses and John winds up on the outside. John makes it back into the ring but Punk stomps on him. Punk goes for the top rope springboard clothesline but Cena moves out of the way.

Cena firs up the Five Moves of Mediocrity but out comes Resurrection-Truth. Truth steals a kid’s hat and Punk hits the GTS on Cena for the pin. After the match, R-Truth hits the Downward Spiral on Cena. Truth says that he’s gonna beat John Cena for the WWE Championship, and that’s the tooth.

Well, there was no Ryder, so we expect to see a riot.

This has been for Your Consideration.