For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 7/4/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 7/4/11

Welcome back to the longest running action-adventure, passive-aggressive, pro-America and anti-spoiler column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. I’m your patriotic host Andrew Wheeler, and I just got back from seeing some fine Florida fireworks and am ready for…

The RAW Judicial Review for 7/4/11

“It is electric.”

We open with a recap of last week’s live RAW in Las Vegas followed by some abysmal and un-American (since they’re Canadian) Nickleback and a boatload of fireworks because it’s “the Fourth of July” winkwinknudgenudge. It’s just a coincidence that the same people were there.

John Cena comes out to say that there’s major unrest because of CM Punk’s promo. He has been suspended indefinitely and he has lost his chance to face Cena at the Money in the Bank PPV. Tonight, like a Jason Mraz song, have come up with a remedy.

We are apparently supposed to sweep CM Punk under the rug and pretend he never existed, like the WWF scratch logo. Cena says that the WWE’s decision sucks. He might not agree with what CM Punk says, but damnit he’ll die for his right to say it. Or something. Cena is pissed that Punk was suspended for speaking his mind. He knows it’s a PG show and he wants to know where it stops.

Cena brings up Daniel Bryan being fired and the WWE taking fan-made signs. The fans start chanting “First Amendment” because those people love their right to assemble. John didn’t sign up for this to tell people what they have to do. He signed up to sleep with ring rats and get a giant spinning title.

John calls out Vince McMahon and informs us that Vince is on his way in his private jet, which apparently can fit right behind the curtain in the Gorilla Position.

Kelly and Eve are walking in the back and combined they have slept with 10 Superstars.

Commercial.

The Bella Twins v. Kelly Kelly & Eve Eve

It’s the Fourth of July and as a proud American I am embracing my patriotic duty to fast-forward through a taped show. In the end Kelly hit a FameASSer on one of the Bellas for the win.

There’s an Andy Leavine package talking about how non-bland and non-Test-like he is.

Resurrection-Truth is in the back on his cell phone talking about how he doesn’t get discounts on his insurance. Apparently he’s talking to Flo from the Progressive ads before Scott Stanford appears. Truth says he should be awarded the title match and there’s a conspiracy and lather, rinse, repeat.

Del Rio pops up to remind us about his density.

Commercial.

WWE Tag Team Title Match: Borscht Marinara v. PuNexus

Otunga and Santino start out with some wacky comedy spots before Otunga hits him with a short-arm clothesline. This is why we demanded freedom from England. Slightly Perfect comes in and gets Atomic Dropped. Kozlov comes in and hits a belly-to-belly and some headbutts. Santino comes in and they do a Fastball Special for two.

Kozlov drops SP on the top rope and kicks him in the stomach. He tries for a running slam but gets distracted by Otunga’s stupid hair and gets clipped. PuNexus double-team him until Santino comes in for the “hot” tag. He does Wacky Offense for a while but his Cobra gets blocked and SP drops him for the win.

Zack Ryder comes out to say “WooWooWoo You Know It”.

Commercial.

The Miz is in the back and he says that since CM Punk was suspended, there was a chance for him to be WWE Champion. However, he didn’t get a shot at the title because of The Mizfit.

Evan Bourne and Sgt. Slaughter are in the back. Yes, you read that right. Kurt SwAngle pops up to make old person jokes and reminds us that Slaughter sided with Iraq before challenging him to a match.

Commercial.

Kurt SwAngle v. Sgt. Slaughter

Slaughter looks strange with a bald head. He also looks strange wrestling in the 21st Century. SwAngle pounds on him for a while and hits the running Vaderbomb for the pin. The less said about all this, the better.

Postmatch he locks in the AngleLock but Evan Bourne makes the save.

Commercial.

Alberto Del Rio v. Resurrection-Truth v. Rey Mysterio

Del Rio takes out Truth and then wails on Rey for a bit but Rey dodges a blind charge. He runs towards a downed Truth but gets dropkicked by Del Rio. Alberto then hits a flying kick to the head to knock Truth out of the ring.

Truth gets back into the ring and hits his spinning minstrel move to knock Rey down before asking what’s up now. Rey gets a moment of hope but is taken down with a spinning backbreaker. Mysterio then hits a modified Doomsday Device on Truth as we head to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Del Rio is choking Rey on the second rope. Del Rio hits a backbreaker on Truth for two. Rey sets Truth up for a 619 and then hits the top rope splash but Del Rio breaks it up and gets the Cross-Armbreaker for the tap-out.

Commercial.

We get a Money in the Bank video package from 2005.

Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler are out with a cake. Wonder how this is going to end. It’s apparently Dolph’s birthday and she wants everyone to sing “Happy Birthday” to him. You know, it took two people to write that song. Dolph says that his title is the only title that matters and he’s all they need to make RAW perfection.

Kofi Kingston comes out to waste time until he can smash Vickie’s face into the cake. As it turns out, Vickie wound up ass-first in the cake before Kofi and Dolph brawled. They bump Vickie again and she winds up face-first in ass cake. That was probably delicious cake.

Commercial.

We get another Money in the Bank highlight package from last year’s show.

Here comes The Miz, who just got to relieve the highpoint of his career in a video package. We now get an Alex Riley video package. Riley charges Miz and knocks him to the outside. Once out there, he slams him into the railing. Miz got hit so hard that he thought he just saw a Riley video package.

Riley goes back in the ring but Miz cheapshots him and locks in a rest hold. He wears down Riley but Alex gets a quick flurry before being dropped by an elbow. Miz hits his reverse DDT as we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Riley hits a backbreaker on Miz. Miz whips Riley into the corner and hits the leaping clothesline and attempts a Reality Check but Riley rolls him up for a pin.

After the match, The Miz beats down Riley. He knocks him over the barricade and rams him into the railing. He then rams him into the steel steps. Miz says he made him and then starts to cry.

Vince McMahon arrives in a limo in the back as we head to…

Commercial.

We’re back with Cole and Lawler using the super-cereal voices to throw us to a package rehashing Punk’s promo.

And here comes Vince McMahon, complete with his McWalk. Vince says that he suspended CM Punk because he deserved it. When Punk said what he said, he left Vince with no chance but to suspend him. Vince runs down all of CM Punk’s demands but Vince says that Punk didn’t deserve a DVD.

John Cena comes out and talks about how much Vince loves the First Amendment. Cena mocks Vince’s crazy walk, because this is a serious promo that needed comedy to kill any momentum. John points out that Vince beat Ted Turner and that he’s the fighter.

Cena wants to fight CM Punk and if Vince doesn’t feel like fighting that he should hang it up. Vince says that if Punk beats Cena, he’s going to walk into another wrestling promotion with the title. Vince doesn’t want to be embarrassed.

Cena says that Money in the Bank is the biggest show of the year before pointing out that Punk was one of the extras at Wrestlemania 22. Vince tells Cena not to piss him off. He says not to be Hogan. Vince says that he isn’t going to jeopardize his company. He does what’s right for the company and for the fans.

John says that if this is how the WWE is going to operate, he doesn’t want to be champion. Vince says Cena’s no different than the rest, they walked out on him and he replaced everyone.

Vince says that Cena can get his match with CM Punk. If Punk wins the title, John Cena is fired.

This has been for your consideration.