For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 7/11/11

For Your Consideration…The RAW Judicial Review for 7/11/11

“You’re fired.”

CM Punk comes out with a megaphone as he makes his way down to the ring for one final time. He now has a terrifying porn mustache. Punk sits Tatanka-Style and decides to recap our story. Punk talks about the stupidity of the McMahon Family. He got in trouble for having the balls for saying things he shouldn’t have said. The company is full of ass-kissers.

Punk demonstrates the power of the megaphone by making wacky noises that get the fans to chant his name. CM Punk says that he was offered a new contract but he is now the hottest property and made the WWE socially relevant. Punk says that he got them relevance in the “real world”. He is a YouTube sensation, ESPN wants him on their programming and Jimmy Kimmel wants to book him.

If Vince gave Punk everything he wanted five years ago, he wouldn’t have anything to say. Punk tells Vince McMahon to have the first ever live contract negotiation in the ring. The fans go nuts as they are HUGE contract law fans. Punk offers Vince to join the CM Punk Kiss My Ass club.

John Cena comes out now in his menacing jorts. Punk says that he’s going to beat Cena for the title and change the ugly looking belt. Punk mocks the “fire John Cena” angle.

Cena says that Punk has balls but John isn’t a pushover. John says the word “wrestler” and didn’t burst into flames. Cena says he’s the best because he has the WWE Title and he earned it. He congratulates Punk on being the best wrestler, but a lot of guys thought that, including Kurt Angle and Eddie Guerrero. John concludes by saying he’s gonna whip Punk’s ass.

The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase…Vince is on his way to negotiate. Must be a long car ride from the curtain. The GMail books John Cena in a match…next.

Commercial.

Handicap Match: John Cena v. David Otunga & Slightly Perfect

Cena and Otunga start out doing chain wrestling. Try not to picture it. John runs the ropes and comes out with a hiptoss and a dropkick as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and SP has a resthold locked in. He tags in Otunga, who chokes the life out of John and the crowd. Cena fights back with a suplex. SP gets tagged in but winds up taking the Five Moves of Mediocrity. He goes for the FU but Otunga breaks it up and they double-team him with a dropkick. SP props Cena on the turnbuckle but John headbutts himself free. John hits the Rocker Dropper and locks in the STFU. Otunga breaks up the hold and hammers away on John.

Cena has PuNexus play the Keystone Kops and then hits the FU on SP for the win. Well, so much for a tag division.

Commercial.

Cole reminds us that this is Boston…Massachusetts. Not to be confused with Austin Massachusetts.

We get a Big Show/Mark Hey-Hey Henry video package. Henry is a scary, scary dude.

Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler are in the back rehearsing them talking to Vince McMahon. Drew McIntyre pops up to mock Vince McMahon. They all rip on him and then Vince pops up. He books them in a handicap match with The Big Show. Scott Stanford pops up to ask what Vince thinks about the contract negotiation and he tells the world to go to hell.

Kelly Kelly is walking to the ring as we head to…

Commercial.

Melina v. Kelly Kelly

Melina and Kelly lock up and Melina drops her with a snapmare and kicks her in the back. Kelly fights back and connects with a handstand elbow and a Stinkface. She hits a neckbreaker for two. Kelly picks her up and hits a FameASSer for the win.

The Bella Twins mock Kelly for being thin. One of the Bellas said she was malnurtured. Yes, you read that right. The Bellas beat down Kelly but Eve runs in for the save. One of them drops her with an X-Factor and they leave triumphant.

We get another graphic for the Vince/Punk contract signing, though the graphic shows a 1040 and not a contract.

The Miz is heading to the ring as we go to…

Commercial.

We get a spot for the Captain America video game but all I keep thinking is that the guy from Not Another Teen Movie is kicking some serious Nazi ass.

Awesome, here comes The Miz. He climbs up a ladder and talks about looking down on everyone. The Miz says that he still has what it takes to be a champion. He is the future, he is The Miz and he…

Gets interrupted by Kurt SwAngle. SwAngle points out that he won MITB and won the title. Evan Bourne interrupts to say he’s gonna win. Kofi arrives to say that this is a crazy match. Kingston points out that Edge was retired because of matches like this. Resurrection-Truth comes out to remind us that he beat John Cena. Truth has a fear of heights and he thinks that this is a conspiracy. He says that he has a fear of spiders also.

The Mizfit runs out to a massive non-pop and Miz flees. Del Rio finally arrives to remind us that he won the #1 Contender Match and then talks about density.

The GMail goes off, and I paraphrase…let’s have a match.

Miz, Kurt SwAngle & Resurrection-Truth v. Evan Bourne, Alex Riley & Kofi Kingston

Commercial.

We’re back with shots of Big Show on Burn Notice.

Kurt SwAngle has Bourne in a rest hold. Miz gets tagged in and he kicks Evan in the head for two. Truth gets tagged in and he drops a knee across Evan’s throat for two. Truth hits an inverted suplex for two.

Truth connects with the Suplex/Stunner for two. He goes for a scissor kick but gets caught with a knee to the jaw. Kofi gets tagged in and hits the Boom Boom Boom. He claps for TIP but SwAngle cuts him off.

Kofi goes to the top rope and connects with a crossbody for two. Miz gets tagged in as we go to…

Commercial.

Miz connects with a high elbow on Kofi before tagging in Truth. They double-suplex Kingston before Truth locks in a resthold. SwAngle gets tagged in but Kofi suddenly fights back. He hits a double-DDT to make the slow crawl. He makes the hot tag to Riley, who elbows SwAngle. He hits a Double-A Spinebuster but Miz takes him out. SwAngle goes for the Vader Bomb but Mizfit gets his knees up and hits the Impaler DDT for the win.

Miz hits the SCF on Riley and everyone attacks everyone. Bounre goes for AirBourne on Truth but Del Rio runs in and knocks him off the apron. Alberto hits everyone with a ladder.

We get a Cena/Vince package

Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntyre w/ Vickie Guerrero v. The Big Show

Commercial.

Big Show knocks Dolph off the apron and smacks around Drew. McIntyre gets slammed by Show and yells “Yer killin’ me.” Show tosses him up the ramp and it ends in a very fast countout. Drew gets tossed into the giant WWE sign. Show was going to Chokeslam Drew but Mark Henry charged out of nowhere and knocked them both off the stage and fell with them. Holy crap that didn’t look fun.

Commercial.

Henry fights off the referees because he don’t need no help.

We get a MITB highlight package. Damn Shelton Benjamin was good.

Commercial.

Did you know Smackdown is the top rated show on SyFy? Take that, Twilight Zone.

Vince keeps walking out of the curtain over and over again. McMahon says he won’t kiss CM Punk’s ass tonight. Vince correctly states that contracts shouldn’t be negotiated in public.

CM Punk comes out and he does his own wacky Vince walk. Vince says that Punk’s lawyers have been through this several times and he should sign it. Punk mocks Vince’s “what a maneuver”. Punk says that Vince has no faith in Cena.

McMahon says that he’s going to make Punk a rich man. Punk says that there’s a new contract that’s been drawn up. CM Punk signed it and all Vince has to do is sign it. Punk says that provision number one is that he can push Vince.

Punk demands his own jet because Vince’s jet smells. He wants them to bring back the WWE Ice Cream Bars. He wants Chaperone 2, but this time it’ll be funny and successful. Punk demands that his Wrestlemania match be the main event. Oh, and Vince should apologize for suspending him. He calls Vince one of the biggest bullies he ever met.

CM Punk says that he had talented friends work for the company but they were fired because Vince doesn’t know what the people want. He says that Vince punishes guys who like pro wrestling like Colt Cabana and Luke Gallows.

Punk knocks the table over and the fans chant “we want wrestling.” Punk’s problem is that he cares too much. Vince apologizes and Punk gets the fans to clap for it. McMahon goes to sign the contract but John Cena comes out.

Cena calls it a fine speech but calls them spoiled brats. Jesus, putting Cena and Punk in the ring doing promos lets you see how much better CM Punk is than everyone else in the business. John points out that The Rock pulled the same crap before and he walked out.

Punk says that he’s going to take the title and walk out because he’s the underdog. He talks about being on the gangster car at Wrestlemania several years ago. Punk says that this is where he talks them into the building by saying that Cena, like Boston sports teams, portrays himself as an underdog. He calls John Cena a dynasty and he is the Yankees.

CM Punk goes to the top of the ramp and assumes the position. He said it hit him like a bolt of lightning. He’s tired of John Cena and he’s just tired. Punk says that Sunday Night is the end of CM Punk. He rips up the contract and says he’ll be the best in the world somewhere else.