The SmarK RAW Rant – August 15 2011

The SmarK RAW Rant – August 15 2011

Live from San Diego, Ca.

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

COOHHH joins us to start, apologizing for inadvertently screwing John Cena over at Summerslam, and assuring us that he had nothing to do with Kevin Nash being there.  But he did text Nash and invite him to be here.  I’m surprised he didn’t say he tweeted Nash so that he could plug the Twitter feed.  And with that said, he introduces the guy who actually is the undisputed WWE champion now, Alberto Del Rio.  Hopefully that will be the end of the “follow the bouncing WWE title” silliness, but I’m not holding my breath.  Especially since there’s no nameplate on the belt yet.  Anyway, he’s great, it was his destiny, etc.  He’s a man of the people, though, and he’ll be signing autographs and taking pictures in the lobby after the show.  His insincere smarm is pretty great.  Tonight, it’s ADR v. Rey Mysterio in his first title defense, but it’s no big thing because he wakes up every morning and assures himself that he’ll beat Rey Mysterio.

Falls Count Anywhere:  R-Truth v. John Morrison

JoMo actually gets an 80s cut-in promo during his entrance!  Why did they ever stop doing that?  They slug it out to start and Truth gets a rollup, as does Morrison.  JR brings up the former partnership between them, but that only lasted a couple of weeks.  Morrison dumps him and follows with a corkscrew plancha to the floor for two.  Truth ducks a high kick, so Morrison springboards off the railin for two.  THE POWER OF PARKOUR!  Truth reverses a suplex attempt into a gourdbuster on the floor for two, and we take a break.  Back with Morrison wiping out on replay as Truth takes over with a running knee to the head for two.  Truth, getting increasingly agitated, crotches Morrison on the railing.  My wife’s assessment of Truth:  “He looks scary.”  HD does him no favors, facially, but I guess that means he’s doing his job correctly.  They fight into the crowd, and Truth gets two.  Back to ringside, where Morrison gets an enzuigiri for two, but eats STEEL steps.  Truth grabs the timekeeper’s chair for something never explored, as Morrison clotheslines and them suplexes him onto the chair and knees him to the floor for the pin at 7:12.  Fun opener, and I’m glad to see Morrison winning again.  They seem to be easing back into the more violent gimmick matches again for some reason.  ***

Meanwhile, CM Punk is here.

The Miz comes out to welcome Jared The Subway Guy to the show.  Kinda reaching for celebrities tonight.  He decides that he can be a better spokesman, and cuts a promo with Jared’s chicken sub to prove it.  And, uh, that’s it.

Meanwhile, Big Kev is in the house.

Kelly Kelly & Eve v. The Bella Twins

Given that the Divas of Doom squashed the NXT chicks on Smackdown, you’d expect this one to set up Kelly & Eve for the showdown with them.  Kelly gets caught in the twin corner and double-teamed, and one of the twins gets two.  Kelly has her own foot shoved in her face in one of those spots that only women and Jack Evans can do, but Kelly fights it off and makes the tag to Eve.  She too falls victim to the nefarious twins, but comes back with a neckbreaker and finishes with a moonsault at 3:04.  Decent enough.  *1/2  And as expected, the DIVAS OF DOOM come out for the staredown.

Kevin Nash, with no music but lots of hair dye and looking more like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler with every passing year, comes out to explain himself.  He was there watching, and got a text from COOHHH, who asked him to punk out the winner of the match.  Nothing personal.  CM Punk of course comes out to offer a rebuttal, accusing Nash of not actually knowing what’s good business.  I don’t know if that’s a “shoot comment that’s not supposed to be a shoot comment” thing, but I like it.  Punk thinks that perhaps Nash is the liar, so Kev offers to show Punk the text from COOHHH.  Punk reads a text from his little sister:  “OMG Kevin Nash, thought he was dead, LOL.”  Punk clarifies:  Nash isn’t dead, just his career.  Big “ooooh” from the crowd on that one.  Punk thinks that maybe COOHHH is just bringing in his cronies now that he’s in power.  He even references Nash calling Eddie Guerrero a “vanilla midget”, but Nash says Punk should shut his mouth and thank him for introducing guaranteed money to the business.  And Punk should also take a shower, and hit the weights.  Punk has had enough of the snarky comments and wants a fight, but Nash has security.  Great promo, but it was REALLY insider and the match is gonna suck.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash is looking for COOHHH, but Executive Vice President of Talent Relations Johnny Ace runs interference and wants a word instead.

Alex Riley v. Jack Swagger

Dolph Ziggler and Vickie are bickering on commentary for this, which can’t possibly be worse than Michael Cole.  I hope.  Swagger stomps a mudhole in the corner, but Riley fires back and puts him down with a lariat.  Swagger goes after the knee and follows with a pump splash for two.  Swagger pounds away while the commentary gets increasingly uncomfortable with Dolph and Vickie.  Riley comes back with a spinebuster and STO for two, while Vickie steals JR’s hat for some reason.  She distracts the ref while Riley gets the visual pinfall on Swagger, but Swagger uses the distraction to get the world’s worst powerbomb for the pin at 4:33, after THREE aborted attempts.  This was pretty brutal, with the melodrama on commentary completely sucking the life out of the match, and the completely botched finish ruining the match as well.  ½*  Move on.

Meanwhile, Jack Swagger offers advice to Vickie about managing other people.

Meanwhile, Stephanie McMahon makes an unwelcome return to my screen, promising CM Punk that everyone will eventually get what they deserve.

David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty v. Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston

Are these two seriously still the tag team champions?  Was there literally no one else on the roster who could have won them by now?  Bourne and Kofi get a cool double-team on MM, but Bourne gets caught in the Not-Nexus corner and worked over while Lawler complains about how boring the champions are.  Otunga gets a clothesline for two.  Is it me, or is it incredibly weird that they’d just drop the Nexus thing entirely while 2 members were tag champions?   When do you ever see champions suddenly getting repackaged like that?  Chinlock from Michael as the commentary goes off the rails completely, and Kofi gets the hot tag.  Flying clothesline gets two while Ross mocks Cole (“Vintage save from Otunga!”) and Bourne finishes with the Shooting Star at 4:42.  You’d think someone would have put Bourne and Kingston together ages ago.  This was dull stuff, made worse by the commentary.  *

WWE Title:  Alberto Del Rio v. Rey Mysterio

Rey takes ADR down for a seated dropkick that gets two, but Del Rio kicks him in the leg to take over right away.  Rey gets a flying headscissor, but Del Rio bails to escape a 619, and we take a break.  Back with ADR holding a bodyscissors on the mat, but Rey dropkicks him into the corner.  They fight to the top, where Rey gets the most overblown tornado DDT I’ve seen in years, and a bodypress gets two.  Rollup gets two.  ADR punts him down again and goes back to the bodyscissors on the mat.  Rey fights out, so Del Rio charges and hits the floor as a result.  Rey follows with a quebrada for the double KO spot on the floor, and they head back in.  Rey with the senton and he goes for the finish, but ADR clotheslines him to block the 619 for two.  Rey fights back, but walks into a backbreaker for two.  Alberto slugs away on the mat and throws kicks in the corner, then puts him on top and hits an amazing top rope enzuigiri for two.  That’s a cool spot.  He goes for the armbar, but Rey counters to a rollup for two.  Another armbar is reversed into the 619 this time and Rey goes up to finish, but the splash hits knee and ADR gets the pin at 9:58 to retain.  Took a while to get going, but the finishing sequence was really good.  Surprised no one has thought of doing that before, in fact.  ***  ADR lays the beatdown on Rey afterwards and adds the armbar, but SuperCena makes the save as my DVR cuts out.  Even my cable box is bored of Cena.  Funny how we go through all that, and Cena is once again back chasing the title despite losing title matches to Punk twice.  Dana White would totally make him coach a season of Ultimate Fighter and earn another title shot.

The Pulse

Pretty good show to kick off the return of my reviewing career, although the second hour kind of dragged for me, but I like that they’re gonna hopefully take their time with the Nash/Punk/COOHHH stuff instead of shooting 400 angles in one show.   We’ve already got some direction for Night of Champions, with Generic Cena Feud #20184 and Nash v. Punk looking like the top matches, so there’s that too.  But who would want to pay money for either of those matches?  And  I don’t know why they’ve got such a hard-on for Cena v. Del Rio, since they’ve been trying to get there FOREVER for some reason, but all of you who have been waiting anxiously will now apparently have your wish.

Next week:  RAW is live in Edmonton, Alberta!  I will not be there this time, although I will be attending the house show here in Saskatoon on Saturday and providing a report on that.  I’m in section Z, row 6 if anyone feels like coming by to say hi.